the magic skin(驴皮记)-第28章

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in　showers　as　we　went　out。　Foedora's　carriage　was　unable　to　reach　the
doorway　of　the　theatre。　At　the　sight　of　a　well…dressed　woman　about　to
cross　the　street；　a　commissionaire　held　an　umbrella　above　us；　and
stood　waiting　at　the　carriage…door　for　his　tip。　I　would　have　given　ten
years　of　life　just　then　for　a　couple　of　halfpence；　but　I　had　not　a
penny。　All　the　man　in　me　and　all　my　vainest　susceptibilities　were
wrung　with　an　infernal　pain。　The　words；　'I　haven't　a　penny　about　me；
my　good　fellow！'　came　from　me　in　the　hard　voice　of　thwarted　passion；
and　yet　I　was　that　man's　brother　in　misfortune；　as　I　knew　too　well；
and　once　I　had　so　lightly　paid　away　seven　hundred　thousand　francs！　The
footman　pushed　the　man　aside；　and　the　horses　sprang　forward。　As　we
returned；　Foedora；　in　real　or　feigned　abstraction；　answered　all　my
questions　curtly　and　by　monosyllables。　I　said　no　more；　it　was　a
hateful　moment。　When　we　reached　her　house；　we　seated　ourselves　by　the
hearth；　and　when　the　servant　had　stirred　the　fire　and　left　us　alone；
the　countess　turned　to　me　with　an　inexplicable　expression；　and　spoke。
Her　manner　was　almost　solemn。

〃　'Since　my　return　to　France；　more　than　one　young　man；　tempted　by　my
money；　has　made　proposals　to　me　which　would　have　satisfied　my　pride。　I
have　come　across　men；　too；　whose　attachment　was　so　deep　and　sincere
that　they　might　have　married　me　even　if　they　had　found　me　the
penniless　girl　I　used　to　be。　Besides　these；　Monsieur　de　Valentin；　you
must　know　that　new　titles　and　newly…acquired　wealth　have　been　also
offered　to　me；　and　that　I　have　never　received　again　any　of　those　who
were　so　ill…advised　as　to　mention　love　to　me。　If　my　regard　for　you　was
but　slight；　I　would　not　give　you　this　warning；　which　is　dictated　by
friendship　rather　than　by　pride。　A　woman　lays　herself　open　to　a　rebuff
of　some　kind；　if　she　imagines　herself　to　be　loved；　and　declines；
before　it　is　uttered；　to　listen　to　language　which　in　its　nature
implies　a　compliment。　I　am　well　acquainted　with　the　parts　played　by
Arsinoe　and　Araminta；　and　with　the　sort　of　answer　I　might　look　for
under　such　circumstances；　but　I　hope　to…day　that　I　shall　not　find
myself　misconstrued　by　a　man　of　no　ordinary　character；　because　I　have
frankly　spoken　my　mind。'

〃She　spoke　with　the　cool　self…possession　of　some　attorney　or　solicitor
explaining　the　nature　of　a　contract　or　the　conduct　of　a　lawsuit　to　a
client。　There　was　not　the　least　sign　of　feeling　in　the　clear　soft
tones　of　her　voice。　Her　steady　face　and　dignified　bearing　seemed　to　me
now　full　of　diplomatic　reserve　and　coldness。　She　had　planned　this
scene；　no　doubt；　and　carefully　chosen　her　words　beforehand。　Oh；　my
friend；　there　are　women　who　take　pleasure　in　piercing　hearts；　and
deliberately　plunge　the　dagger　back　again　into　the　wound；　such　women
as　these　cannot　but　be　worshiped；　for　such　women　either　love　or　would
fain　be　loved。　A　day　comes　when　they　make　amends　for　all　the　pain　they
gave　us；　they　repay　us　for　the　pangs；　the　keenness　of　which　they
recognize；　in　joys　a　hundred…fold；　even　as　God；　they　tell　us；
recompenses　our　good　works。　Does　not　their　perversity　spring　from　the
strength　of　their　feelings？　But　to　be　so　tortured　by　a　woman；　who
slaughters　you　with　indifference！　was　not　the　suffering　hideous？

〃Foedora　did　not　know　it；　but　in　that　minute　she　trampled　all　my　hopes
beneath　her　feet；　she　maimed　my　life　and　she　blighted　my　future　with
the　cool　indifference　and　unconscious　barbarity　of　an　inquisitive
child　who　plucks　its　wings　from　a　butterfly。

〃　'Later　on；'　resumed　Foedora；　'you　will　learn；　I　hope；　the　stability
of　the　affection　that　I　keep　for　my　friends。　You　will　always　find　that
I　have　devotion　and　kindness　for　them。　I　would　give　my　life　to　serve
my　friends；　but　you　could　only　despise　me；　if　I　allowed　them　to　make
love　to　me　without　return。　That　is　enough。　You　are　the　only　man　to
whom　I　have　spoken　such　words　as　these　last。'

〃At　first　I　could　not　speak；　or　master　the　tempest　that　arose　within
me；　but　I　soon　repressed　my　emotions　in　the　depths　of　my　soul；　and
began　to　smile。

〃　'If　I　own　that　I　love　you；'　I　said；　'you　will　banish　me　at　once；　if
I　plead　guilty　to　indifference；　you　will　make　me　suffer　for　it。　Women；
magistrates；　and　priests　never　quite　lay　the　gown　aside。　Silence　is
non…committal；　be　pleased　then；　madame；　to　approve　my　silence。　You
must　have　feared；　in　some　degree；　to　lose　me；　or　I　should　not　have
received　this　friendly　admonition；　and　with　that　thought　my　pride
ought　to　be　satisfied。　Let　us　banish　all　personal　considerations。　You
are　perhaps　the　only　woman　with　whom　I　could　discuss　rationally　a
resolution　so　contrary　to　the　laws　of　nature。　Considered　with　regard
to　your　species；　you　are　a　prodigy。　Now　let　us　investigate；　in　good
faith；　the　causes　of　this　psychological　anomaly。　Does　there　exist　in
you；　as　in　many　women；　a　certain　pride　in　self；　a　love　of　your　own
loveliness；　a　refinement　of　egoism　which　makes　you　shudder　at　the　idea
of　belonging　to　another；　is　it　the　thought　of　resigning　your　own　will
and　submitting　to　a　superiority；　though　only　of　convention；　which
displeases　you？　You　would　seem　to　me　a　thousand　times　fairer　for　it。
Can　love　formerly　have　brought　you　suffering？　You　probably　set　some
value　on　your　dainty　figure　and　graceful　appearance；　and　may　perhaps
wish　to　avoid　the　disfigurements　of　maternity。　Is　not　this　one　of　your
strongest　reasons　for　refusing　a　too　importunate　love？　Some　natural
defect　perhaps　makes　you　insusceptible　in　spite　of　yourself？　Do　not　be
angry；　my　study；　my　inquiry　is　absolutely　dispassionate。　Some　are　born
blind；　and　nature　may　easily　have　formed　women　who　in　like　manner　are
blind；　deaf；　and　dumb　to　love。　You　are　really　an　interesting　subject
for　medical　investigation。　You　do　not　know　your　value。　You　feel
perhaps　a　very　legitimate　distaste　for　mankind；　in　that　I　quite　concur
to　me　they　all　seem　ugly　and　detestable。　And　you　are　right；'　I
added；　feeling　my　heart　swell　within　me；　'how　can　you　do　otherwise
than　despise　us？　There　is　not　a　man　living　who　is　worthy　of　you。'

〃I　will　not　repeat　all　the　biting　words　with　which　I　ridiculed　her。　In
vain；　my　bitterest　sarcasms　and　keenest　irony　never　made　her　wince　nor
elicited　a　sign　of　vexation。　She　heard　me；　with　the　customary　smile
upon　her　lips　and　in　her　eyes；　the　smile　that　she　wore　as　a　part　of
her　clothing；　and　that　never　varied　for　friends；　for　mere
acquaintances；　or　for　strangers。

〃　'Isn't　it　very　nice　of　me　to　allow　you　to　dissect　me　like　this？'　she
said　at　last；　as　I　came　to　a　temporary　standstill；　and　looked　at　her
in　silence。　'You　see；'　she　went　on；　laughing；　'that　I　have　no　foolish
over…sensitiveness　about　my　friendship。　Many　a　woman　would　shut　her
door　on　you　by　way　of　punishing　you　for　your　impertinence。'

〃　'You　could　banish　me　without　needing　to　give　me　the　reasons　for　your
harshness。'　As　I　spoke　I　felt　that　I　could　kill　her　if　she　dismissed
me。

〃　'You　are　mad；'　she　said；　smiling　still。

〃　'Did　you　never　think；'　I　went　on；　'of　the　effects　of　passionate
love？　A　desperate　man　has　often　murdered　his　mistress。'

〃　'It　is　better　to　die　than　to　live　in　misery；'　she　said　coolly。　'Such
a　man　as　that　would　run　through　his　wife's　money；　desert　her；　and
leave　her　at　last　in　utter　wretchedness。'

〃This　calm　calculation　dumfounded　me。　The　gulf　between　us　was　made
plain；　we　could　never　understand　each　other。

〃　'Good…bye；'　I　said　proudly。

〃　'Good…bye；　till　to…morrow；'　she　answered；　with　a　little　friendly
bow。

〃For　a　moment's　space　I　hurled　at　her　in　a　glance　all　the　love　I　must
forego；　she　stood　there　with　than　banal　smile　of　hers；　the　detestable
chill　smile　of　a　marble　statue；　with　none　of　the　warmth　in　it　that　it
seemed　to　express。　Can　you　form　any　idea；　my　friend；　of　the　pain　that
overcame　me　on　the　way　home　through　rain　and　snow；　across　a　league　of
icy…sheeted　quays；　without　a　hope　left？　Oh；　to　think　that　she　not　only
had　not　guessed　my　poverty；　but　believed　me　to　be　as　wealthy　as　she
was；　and　likewise　borne　as　softly　over　the　rough　ways　of　life！　What
failure　and　deceit！　It　was　no　mere　question　of　money　now；　but　of　the
fate　of　all　that　lay　within　me。

〃I　went　at　haphazard；　going　over　the　wor