the magic skin(驴皮记)-第21章

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myself　with　glory；　and　to　work　in　silence　for　the　mistress　I　hoped　to
have　one　day。　Women　for　me　were　resumed　into　a　single　type；　and　this
woman　I　looked　to　meet　in　the　first　that　met　my　eyes；　but　in　each　and
all　I　saw　a　queen；　and　as　queens　must　make　the　first　advances　to　their
lovers；　they　must　draw　near　to　meto　me；　so　sickly；　shy；　and　poor。
For　her；　who　should　take　pity　on　me；　my　heart　held　in　store　such
gratitude　over　and　beyond　love；　that　I　had　worshiped　her　her　whole
life　long。　Later；　my　observations　have　taught　me　bitter　truths。

〃In　this　way；　dear　Emile；　I　ran　the　risk　of　remaining　companionless
for　good。　The　incomprehensible　bent　of　women's　minds　appears　to　lead
them　to　see　nothing　but　the　weak　points　in　a　clever　man；　and　the
strong　points　of　a　fool。　They　feel　the　liveliest　sympathy　with　the
fool's　good　qualities；　which　perpetually　flatter　their　own　defects；
while　they　find　the　man　of　talent　hardly　agreeable　enough　to
compensate　for　his　shortcomings。　All　capacity　is　a　sort　of
intermittent　fever；　and　no　woman　is　anxious　to　share　in　its
discomforts　only；　they　look　to　find　in　their　lovers　the　wherewithal　to
gratify　their　own　vanity。　It　is　themselves　that　they　love　in　us！　But
the　artist；　poor　and　proud；　along　with　his　endowment　of　creative
power；　is　furnished　with　an　aggressive　egotism！　Everything　about　him
is　involved　in　I　know　not　what　whirlpool　of　his　ideas；　and　even　his
mistress　must　gyrate　along　with　them。　How　is　a　woman；　spoilt　with
praise；　to　believe　in　the　love　of　a　man　like　that？　Will　she　go　to　seek
him　out？　That　sort　of　lover　has　not　the　leisure　to　sit　beside　a　sofa
and　give　himself　up　to　the　sentimental　simperings　that　women　are　so
fond　of；　and　on　which　the　false　and　unfeeling　pride　themselves。　He
cannot　spare　the　time　from　his　work；　and　how　can　he　afford　to　humble
himself　and　go　a…masquerading！　I　was　ready　to　give　my　life　once　and
for　all；　but　I　could　not　degrade　it　in　detail。　Besides；　there　is
something　indescribably　paltry　in　a　stockbroker's　tactics；　who　runs　on
errands　for　some　insipid　affected　woman；　all　this　disgusts　an　artist。
Love　in　the　abstract　is　not　enough　for　a　great　man　in　poverty；　he　has
need　of　its　utmost　devotion。　The　frivolous　creatures　who　spend　their
lives　in　trying　on　cashmeres；　or　make　themselves　into　clothes…pegs　to
hang　the　fashions　from；　exact　the　devotion　which　is　not　theirs　to
give；　for　them；　love　means　the　pleasure　of　ruling　and　not　of　obeying。
She　who　is　really　a　wife；　one　in　heart；　flesh；　and　bone；　must　follow
wherever　he　leads；　in　whom　her　life；　her　strength；　her　pride；　and
happiness　are　centered。　Ambitious　men　need　those　Oriental　women　whose
whole　thought　is　given　to　the　study　of　their　requirements；　for
unhappiness　means　for　them　the　incompatibility　of　their　means　with
their　desires。　But　I；　who　took　myself　for　a　man　of　genius；　must　needs
feel　attracted　by　these　very　she…coxcombs。　So；　as　I　cherished　ideas　so
different　from　those　generally　received；　as　I　wished　to　scale　the
heavens　without　a　ladder；　was　possessed　of　wealth　that　could　not
circulate；　and　of　knowledge　so　wide　and　so　imperfectly　arranged　and
digested　that　it　overtaxed　my　memory；　as　I　had　neither　relations　nor
friends　in　the　midst　of　this　lonely　and　ghastly　desert；　a　desert　of
paving　stones；　full　of　animation；　life；　and　thought；　wherein　every　one
is　worse　than　inimical；　indifferent　to　wit；　I　made　a　very　natural　if
foolish　resolve；　which　required　such　unknown　impossibilities；　that　my
spirits　rose。　It　was　as　if　I　had　laid　a　wager　with　myself；　for　I　was
at　once　the　player　and　the　cards。

〃This　was　my　plan。　The　eleven　hundred　francs　must　keep　life　in　me　for
three　yearsthe　time　I　allowed　myself　in　which　to　bring　to　light　a
work　which　should　draw　attention　to　me；　and　make　me　either　a　name　or　a
fortune。　I　exulted　at　the　thought　of　living　on　bread　and　milk；　like　a
hermit　in　the　Thebaid；　while　I　plunged　into　the　world　of　books　and
ideas；　and　so　reached　a　lofty　sphere　beyond　the　tumult　of　Paris；　a
sphere　of　silent　labor　where　I　would　entomb　myself　like　a　chrysalis　to
await　a　brilliant　and　splendid　new　birth。　I　imperiled　my　life　in　order
to　live。　By　reducing　my　requirements　to　real　needs　and　the　barest
necessaries；　I　found　that　three　hundred　and　sixty…five　francs　sufficed
for　a　year　of　penury；　and；　in　fact；　I　managed　to　exist　on　that　slender
sum；　so　long　as　I　submitted　to　my　own　claustral　discipline。〃

〃Impossible！〃　cried　Emile。

〃I　lived　for　nearly　three　years　in　that　way；〃　Raphael　answered；　with　a
kind　of　pride。　〃Let　us　reckon　it　out。　Three　sous　for　bread；　two　for
milk；　and　three　for　cold　meat；　kept　me　from　dying　of　hunger；　and　my
mind　in　a　state　of　peculiar　lucidity。　I　have　observed；　as　you　know；
the　wonderful　effects　produced　by　diet　upon　the　imagination。　My
lodgings　cost　me　three　sous　daily；　I　burnt　three　sous　more　in　oil　at
night；　I　did　my　own　housework；　and　wore　flannel　shirts　so　as　to　reduce
the　laundress'　bill　to　two　sous　per　day。　The　money　I　spent　yearly　in
coal；　if　divided　up；　never　cost　more　than　two　sous　for　each　day。　I　had
three　years'　supply　of　clothing；　and　I　only　dressed　when　going　out　to
some　library　or　public　lecture。　These　expenses；　all　told；　only
amounted　to　eighteen　sous；　so　two　were　left　over　for　emergencies。　I
cannot　recollect；　during　that　long　period　of　toil；　either　crossing　the
Pont　des　Arts；　or　paying　for　water；　I　went　out　to　fetch　it　every
morning　from　the　fountain　in　the　Place　Saint　Michel；　at　the　corner　of
the　Rue　de　Gres。　Oh；　I　wore　my　poverty　proudly。　A　man　urged　on　towards
a　fair　future　walks　through　life　like　an　innocent　person　to　his　death；
he　feels　no　shame　about　it。

〃I　would　not　think　of　illness。　Like　Aquilina；　I　faced　the　hospital
without　terror。　I　had　not　a　moment's　doubt　of　my　health；　and　besides；
the　poor　can　only　take　to　their　beds　to　die。　I　cut　my　own　hair　till
the　day　when　an　angel　of　love　and　kindness　。　。　。　But　I　do　not　want　to
anticipate　the　state　of　things　that　I　shall　reach　later。　You　must
simply　know　that　I　lived　with　one　grand　thought　for　a　mistress；　a
dream；　an　illusion　which　deceives　us　all　more　or　less　at　first。　To…day
I　laugh　at　myself；　at　that　self；　holy　perhaps　and　heroic；　which　is　now
no　more。　I　have　since　had　a　closer　view　of　society　and　the　world；　of
our　manners　and　customs；　and　seen　the　dangers　of　my　innocent　credulity
and　the　superfluous　nature　of　my　fervent　toil。　Stores　of　that　sort　are
quite　useless　to　aspirants　for　fame。　Light　should　be　the　baggage　of
seekers　after　fortune！

〃Ambitious　men　spend　their　youth　in　rendering　themselves　worthy　of
patronage；　it　is　their　great　mistake。　While　the　foolish　creatures　are
laying　in　stores　of　knowledge　and　energy；　so　that　they　shall　not　sink
under　the　weight　of　responsible　posts　that　recede　from　them；　schemers
come　and　go　who　are　wealthy　in　words　and　destitute　in　ideas；　astonish
the　ignorant；　and　creep　into　the　confidence　of　those　who　have　a　little
knowledge。　While　the　first　kind　study；　the　second　march　ahead；　the　one
sort　is　modest；　and　the　other　impudent；　the　man　of　genius　is　silent
about　his　own　merits；　but　these　schemers　make　a　flourish　of　theirs；
and　they　are　bound　to　get　on。　It　is　so　strongly　to　the　interest　of　men
in　office　to　believe　in　ready…made　capacity；　and　in　brazen…faced
merit；　that　it　is　downright　childish　of　the　learned　to　expect　material
rewards。　I　do　not　seek　to　paraphrase　the　commonplace　moral；　the　song
of　songs　that　obscure　genius　is　for　ever　singing；　I　want　to　come；　in　a
logical　manner；　by　the　reason　of　the　frequent　successes　of　mediocrity。
Alas！　study　shows　us　such　a　mother's　kindness　that　it　would　be　a　sin
perhaps　to　ask　any　other　reward　of　her　than　the　pure　and　delightful
pleasures　with　which　she　sustains　her　children。

〃Often　I　remember　soaking　my　bread　in　milk；　as　I　sat　by　the　window　to
take　the　fresh　air；　while　my　eyes　wandered　over　a　view　of　roofs
brown；　gray；　or　red；　slated　or　tiled；　and　covered　with　yellow　or　green
mosses。　At　first　the　prospect　may　have　seemed　monotonous；　but　I　very
soon　found　peculiar　beauties　in　it。　Sometimes　at　night；　streams　of
light　through　half…closed　shutters　would　light　up　and　color　the　dark
abysses　of　this　strange　landscape。　Sometimes　the　feeble　lights　of　th