the magic skin(驴皮记)-第20章

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for　great　things；　and　yet　I　felt　myself　to　be　nothing。　I　had　need　of
other　men；　and　I　was　friendless。　I　found　I　must　make　my　way　in　the
world；　where　I　was　quite　alone；　and　bashful；　rather　than　afraid。

〃All　through　the　year　in　which；　by　my　father's　wish；　I　threw　myself
into　the　whirlpool　of　fashionable　society；　I　came　away　with　an
inexperienced　heart；　and　fresh　in　mind。　Like　every　grown　child；　I
sighed　in　secret　for　a　love　affair。　I　met；　among　young　men　of　my　own
age；　a　set　of　swaggerers　who　held　their　heads　high；　and　talked　about
trifles　as　they　seated　themselves　without　a　tremor　beside　women　who
inspired　awe　in　me。　They　chattered　nonsense；　sucked　the　heads　of　their
canes；　gave　themselves　affected　airs；　appropriated　the　fairest　women；
and　laid；　or　pretended　that　they　had　laid　their　heads　on　every　pillow。
Pleasure；　seemingly；　was　at　their　beck　and　call；　they　looked　on　the
most　virtuous　and　prudish　as　an　easy　prey；　ready　to　surrender　at　a
word；　at　the　slightest　impudent　gesture　or　insolent　look。　I　declare；
on　my　soul　and　conscience；　that　the　attainment　of　power；　or　of　a　great
name　in　literature；　seemed　to　me　an　easier　victory　than　a　success　with
some　young；　witty；　and　gracious　lady　of　high　degree。

〃So　I　found　the　tumult　of　my　heart；　my　feelings；　and　my　creeds　all　at
variance　with　the　axioms　of　society。　I　had　plenty　of　audacity　in　my
character；　but　none　in　my　manner。　Later；　I　found　out　that　women　did
not　like　to　be　implored。　I　have　from　afar　adored　many　a　one　to　whom　I
devoted　a　soul　proof　against　all　tests；　a　heart　to　break；　energy　that
shrank　from　no　sacrifice　and　from　no　torture；　THEY　accepted　fools　whom
I　would　not　have　engaged　as　hall　porters。　How　often；　mute　and
motionless；　have　I　not　admired　the　lady　of　my　dreams；　swaying　in　the
dance；　given　up　my　life　in　thought　to　one　eternal　caress；　expressed
all　my　hopes　in　a　look；　and　laid　before　her；　in　my　rapture；　a　young
man's　love；　which　should　outstrip　all　fables。　At　some　moments　I　was
ready　to　barter　my　whole　life　for　one　single　night。　Well；　as　I　could
never　find　a　listener　for　my　impassioned　proposals；　eyes　to　rest　my
own　upon；　a　heart　made　for　my　heart；　I　lived　on　in　all　the　sufferings
of　impotent　force　that　consumes　itself；　lacking　either　opportunity　or
courage　or　experience。　I　despaired；　maybe；　of　making　myself
understood；　or　I　feared　to　be　understood　but　too　well；　and　yet　the
storm　within　me　was　ready　to　burst　at　every　chance　courteous　look。　In
spite　of　my　readiness　to　take　the　semblance　of　interest　in　look　or
word　for　a　tenderer　solicitude；　I　dared　neither　to　speak　nor　to　be
silent　seasonably。　My　words　grew　insignificant；　and　my　silence　stupid；
by　sheer　stress　of　emotion。　I　was　too　ingenuous；　no　doubt；　for　that
artificial　life；　led　by　candle…light；　where　every　thought　is　expressed
in　conventional　phrases；　or　by　words　that　fashion　dictates；　and　not
only　so；　I　had　not　learned　how　to　employ　speech　that　says　nothing；　and
silence　that　says　a　great　deal。　In　short；　I　concealed　the　fires　that
consumed　me；　and　with　such　a　soul　as　women　wish　to　find；　with　all　the
elevation　of　soul　that　they　long　for；　and　a　mettle　that　fools　plume
themselves　upon；　all　women　have　been　cruelly　treacherous　to　me。

〃So　in　my　simplicity　I　admired　the　heroes　of　this　set　when　they
bragged　about　their　conquests；　and　never　suspected　them　of　lying。　No
doubt　it　was　a　mistake　to　wish　for　a　love　that　springs　for　a　word's
sake；　to　expect　to　find　in　the　heart　of　a　vain；　frivolous　woman；
greedy　for　luxury　and　intoxicated　with　vanity；　the　great　sea　of
passion　that　surged　tempestuously　in　my　own　breast。　Oh！　to　feel　that
you　were　born　to　love；　to　make　some　woman's　happiness；　and　yet　to　find
not　one；　not　even　a　noble　and　courageous　Marceline；　not　so　much　as　an
old　Marquise！　Oh！　to　carry　a　treasure　in　your　wallet；　and　not　find
even　some　child；　or　inquisitive　young　girl；　to　admire　it！　In　my
despair　I　often　wished　to　kill　myself。〃

〃Finely　tragical　to…night！〃　cried　Emile。

〃Let　me　pass　sentence　on　my　life；〃　Raphael　answered。　〃If　your
friendship　is　not　strong　enough　to　bear　with　my　elegy；　if　you　cannot
put　up　with　half　an　hour's　tedium　for　my　sake；　go　to　sleep！　But；　then；
never　ask　again　for　the　reason　of　suicide　that　hangs　over　me；　that
comes　nearer　and　calls　to　me；　that　I　bow　myself　before。　If　you　are　to
judge　a　man；　you　must　know　his　secret　thoughts；　sorrows；　and　feelings；
to　know　merely　the　outward　events　of　a　man's　life　would　only　serve　to
make　a　chronological　tablea　fool's　notion　of　history。〃

Emile　was　so　much　struck　with　the　bitter　tones　in　which　these　words
were　spoken；　that　he　began　to　pay　close　attention　to　Raphael；　whom　he
watched　with　a　bewildered　expression。

〃Now；〃　continued　the　speaker；　〃all　these　things　that　befell　me　appear
in　a　new　light。　The　sequence　of　events　that　I　once　thought　so
unfortunate　created　the　splendid　powers　of　which；　later；　I　became　so
proud。　If　I　may　believe　you；　I　possess　the　power　of　readily　expressing
my　thoughts；　and　I　could　take　a　forward　place　in　the　great　field　of
knowledge；　and　is　not　this　the　result　of　scientific　curiosity；　of
excessive　application；　and　a　love　of　reading　which　possessed　me　from
the　age　of　seven　till　my　entry　on　life？　The　very　neglect　in　which　I
was　left；　and　the　consequent　habits　of　self…repression　and　self…
concentration；　did　not　these　things　teach　me　how　to　consider　and
reflect？　Nothing　in　me　was　squandered　in　obedience　to　the　exactions　of
the　world；　which　humble　the　proudest　soul　and　reduce　it　to　a　mere
husk；　and　was　it　not　this　very　fact　that　refined　the　emotional　part　of
my　nature　till　it　became　the　perfected　instrument　of　a　loftier　purpose
than　passionate　desires？　I　remember　watching　the　women　who　mistook　me
with　all　the　insight　of　contemned　love。

〃I　can　see　now　that　my　natural　sincerity　must　have　been　displeasing　to
them；　women；　perhaps；　even　require　a　little　hypocrisy。　And　I；　who　in
the　same　hour's　space　am　alternately　a　man　and　a　child；　frivolous　and
thoughtful；　free　from　bias　and　brimful　of　superstition；　and　oftentimes
myself　as　much　a　woman　as　any　of　them；　how　should　they　do　otherwise
than　take　my　simplicity　for　cynicism；　my　innocent　candor　for
impudence？　They　found　my　knowledge　tiresome；　my　feminine　languor；
weakness。　I　was　held　to　be　listless　and　incapable　of　love　or　of　steady
purpose；　a　too　active　imagination；　that　curse　of　poets；　was　no　doubt
the　cause。　My　silence　was　idiotic；　and　as　I　daresay　I　alarmed　them　by
my　efforts　to　please；　women　one　and　all　have　condemned　me。　With　tears
and　mortification；　I　bowed　before　the　decision　of　the　world；　but　my
distress　was　not　barren。　I　determined　to　revenge　myself　on　society；　I
would　dominate　the　feminine　intellect；　and　so　have　the　feminine　soul
at　my　mercy；　all　eyes　should　be　fixed　upon　me；　when　the　servant　at　the
door　announced　my　name。　I　had　determined　from　my　childhood　that　I
would　be　a　great　man；　I　said　with　Andre　Chenier；　as　I　struck　my
forehead；　'There　is　something　underneath　that！'　I　felt；　I　believed；
the　thought　within　me　that　I　must　express；　the　system　I　must
establish；　the　knowledge　I　must　interpret。

〃Let　me　pour　out　my　follies；　dear　Emile；　to…day　I　am　barely　twenty…six
years　old；　certain　of　dying　unrecognized；　and　I　have　never　been　the
lover　of　the　woman　I　dreamed　of　possessing。　Have　we　not　all　of　us；
more　or　less；　believed　in　the　reality　of　a　thing　because　we　wished　it？
I　would　never　have　a　young　man　for　my　friend　who　did　not　place　himself
in　dreams　upon　a　pedestal；　weave　crowns　for　his　head；　and　have
complaisant　mistresses。　I　myself　would　often　be　a　general；　nay；
emperor；　I　have　been　a　Byron；　and　then　a　nobody。　After　this　sport　on
these　pinnacles　of　human　achievement；　I　became　aware　that　all　the
difficulties　and　steeps　of　life　were　yet　to　face。　My　exuberant　self…
esteem　came　to　my　aid；　I　had　that　intense　belief　in　my　destiny；　which
perhaps　amounts　to　genius　in　those　who　will　not　permit　themselves　to
be　distracted　by　contact　with　the　world；　as　sheep　that　leave　their
wool　on　the　briars　of　every　thicket　they　pass　by。　I　meant　to　cover
myself　with　glory；　and　to　work　in　silence　for　the　mistress　I　hoped　to
have　one　day。　Women　for　me　were　resumed　into　a　single　type；　and　this
woman