a personal record-第5章

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visions。　　But　I　admit　that　outwardly　I　resembled　sufficiently　a



man　who　could　make　a　second　officer　for　a　steamer　chartered　by　a



French　company。　　I　showed　no　sign　of　being　haunted　by　the　fate　of



Nina　and　by　the　murmurs　of　tropical　forests；　and　even　my　intimate



intercourse　with　Almayer　（a　person　of　weak　character）　had　not　put



a　visible　mark　upon　my　features。　　For　many　years　he　and　the　world



of　his　story　had　been　the　companions　of　my　imagination　without；　I



hope；　impairing　my　ability　to　deal　with　the　realities　of　sea



life。　　I　had　had　the　man　and　his　surroundings　with　me　ever　since



my　return　from　the　eastern　waterssome　four　years　before　the　day



of　which　I　speak。







It　was　in　the　front　sitting…room　of　furnished　apartments　in　a



Pimlico　square　that　they　first　began　to　live　again　with　a



vividness　and　poignancy　quite　foreign　to　our　former　real



intercourse。　　I　had　been　treating　myself　to　a　long　stay　on　shore；



and　in　the　necessity　of　occupying　my　mornings　Almayer　（that　old



acquaintance）　came　nobly　to　the　rescue。







Before　long；　as　was　only　proper；　his　wife　and　daughter　joined　him



round　my　table；　and　then　the　rest　of　that　Pantai　band　came　full



of　words　and　gestures。　　Unknown　to　my　respectable　landlady；　it



was　my　practice　directly　after　my　breakfast　to　hold　animated



receptions　of　Malays；　Arabs；　and　half…castes。　　They　did　not



clamour　aloud　for　my　attention。　They　came　with　a　silent　and



irresistible　appealand　the　appeal；　I　affirm　here；　was　not　to　my



self…love　or　my　vanity。　　It　seems　now　to　have　had　a　moral



character；　for　why　should　the　memory　of　these　beings；　seen　in



their　obscure；　sun…bathed　existence；　demand　to　express　itself　in



the　shape　of　a　novel；　except　on　the　ground　of　that　mysterious



fellowship　which　unites　in　a　community　of　hopes　and　fears　all　the



dwellers　on　this　earth？







I　did　not　receive　my　visitors　with　boisterous　rapture　as　the



bearers　of　any　gifts　of　profit　or　fame。　　There　was　no　vision　of　a



printed　book　before　me　as　I　sat　writing　at　that　table；　situated



in　a　decayed　part　of　Belgravia。　　After　all　these　years；　each



leaving　its　evidence　of　slowly　blackened　pages；　I　can　honestly



say　that　it　is　a　sentiment　akin　to　pity　which　prompted　me　to



render　in　words　assembled　with　conscientious　care　the　memory　of



things　far　distant　and　of　men　who　had　lived。







But；　coming　back　to　Captain　Froud　and　his　fixed　idea　of　never



disappointing　ship　owners　or　ship…captains；　it　was　not　likely



that　I　should　fail　him　in　his　ambitionto　satisfy　at　a　few



hours'　notice　the　unusual　demand　for　a　French…speaking　officer。　



He　explained　to　me　that　the　ship　was　chartered　by　a　French



company　intending　to　establish　a　regular　monthly　line　of　sailings



from　Rouen；　for　the　transport　of　French　emigrants　to　Canada。　



But；　frankly；　this　sort　of　thing　did　not　interest　me　very　much。　



I　said　gravely　that　if　it　were　really　a　matter　of　keeping　up　the



reputation　of　the　Shipmasters'　Society　I　would　consider　it。　　But



the　consideration　was　just　for　form's　sake。　　The　next　day　I



interviewed　the　captain；　and　I　believe　we　were　impressed



favourably　with　each　other。　　He　explained　that　his　chief　mate　was



an　excellent　man　in　every　respect　and　that　he　could　not　think　of



dismissing　him　so　as　to　give　me　the　higher　position；　but　that　if



I　consented　to　come　as　second　officer　I　would　be　given　certain



special　advantagesand　so　on。







I　told　him　that　if　I　came　at　all　the　rank　really　did　not　matter。







〃I　am　sure；〃　he　insisted；　〃you　will　get　on　first　rate　with　Mr。



Paramor。〃







I　promised　faithfully　to　stay　for　two　trips　at　least；　and　it　was



in　those　circumstances　that　what　was　to　be　my　last　connection



with　a　ship　began。　　And　after　all　there　was　not　even　one　single



trip。　　It　may　be　that　it　was　simply　the　fulfilment　of　a　fate；　of



that　written　word　on　my　forehead　which　apparently　for　bade　me；



through　all　my　sea　wanderings；　ever　to　achieve　the　crossing　of



the　Western　Oceanusing　the　words　in　that　special　sense　in　which



sailors　speak　of　Western　Ocean　trade；　of　Western　Ocean　packets；



of　Western　Ocean　hard　cases。　　The　new　life　attended　closely　upon



the　old；　and　the　nine　chapters　of　〃Almayer's　Folly〃　went　with　me



to　the　Victoria　Dock；　whence　in　a　few　days　we　started　for　Rouen。　



I　won't　go　so　far　as　saying　that　the　engaging　of　a　man　fated



never　to　cross　the　Western　Ocean　was　the　absolute　cause　of　the



Franco…Canadian　Transport　Company's　failure　to　achieve　even　a



single　passage。　　It　might　have　been　that　of　course；　but　the



obvious；　gross　obstacle　was　clearly　the　want　of　money。　　Four



hundred　and　sixty　bunks　for　emigrants　were　put　together　in　the



'tween　decks　by　industrious　carpenters　while　we　lay　in　the



Victoria　Dock；　but　never　an　emigrant　turned　up　in　Rouenof



which；　being　a　humane　person；　I　confess　I　was　glad。　　Some



gentlemen　from　ParisI　think　there　were　three　of　them；　and　one



was　said　to　be　the　chairmanturned　up；　indeed；　and　went　from　end



to　end　of　the　ship；　knocking　their　silk　hats　cruelly　against　the



deck　beams。　　I　attended　them　personally；　and　I　can　vouch　for　it



that　the　interest　they　took　in　things　was　intelligent　enough；



though；　obviously；　they　had　never　seen　anything　of　the　sort



before。　　Their　faces　as　they　went　ashore　wore　a　cheerfully



inconclusive　expression。　　Notwithstanding　that　this　inspecting



ceremony　was　supposed　to　be　a　preliminary　to　immediate　sailing；



it　was　then；　as　they　filed　down　our　gangway；　that　I　received　the



inward　monition　that　no　sailing　within　the　meaning　of　our　charter



party　would　ever　take　place。







It　must　be　said　that　in　less　than　three　weeks　a　move　took　place。　



When　we　first　arrived　we　had　been　taken　up　with　much　ceremony



well　toward　the　centre　of　the　town；　and；　all　the　street　corners



being　placarded　with　the　tricolor　posters　announcing　the　birth　of



our　company；　the　petit　bourgeois　with　his　wife　and　family　made　a



Sunday　holiday　from　the　inspection　of　the　ship。　　I　was　always　in



evidence　in　my　best　uniform　to　give　information　as　though　I　had



been　a　Cook's　tourists'　interpreter；　while　our　quartermasters



reaped　a　harvest　of　small　change　from　personally　conducted



parties。　　But　when　the　move　was　madethat　move　which　carried　us



some　mile　and　a　half　down　the　stream　to　be　tied　up　to　an



altogether　muddier　and　shabbier　quaythen　indeed　the　desolation



of　solitude　became　our　lot。　　It　was　a　complete　and　soundless



stagnation；　for　as　we　had　the　ship　ready　for　sea　to　the　smallest



detail；　as　the　frost　was　hard　and　the　days　short；　we　were



absolutely　idleidle　to　the　point　of　blushing　with　shame　when



the　thought　struck　us　that　all　the　time　our　salaries　went　on。　



Young　Cole　was　aggrieved　because；　as　he　said；　we　could　not　enjoy



any　sort　of　fun　in　the　evening　after　loafing　like　this　all　day；



even　the　banjo　lost　its　charm　since　there　was　nothing　to　prevent



his　strumming　on　it　all　the　time　between　the　meals。　　The　good



Paramorhe　was　really　a　most　excellent　fellowbecame　unhappy　as



far　as　was　possible　to　his　cheery　nature；　till　one　dreary　day　I



suggested；　out　of　sheer　mischief；　that　he　should　employ　the



dormant　energies　of　the　crew　in　hauling　both　cables　up　on　deck



and　turning　them　end　for　end。







For　a　moment　Mr。　Paramor　was　radiant。　〃Excellent　idea！〃　but



directly　his　face　fell。　　〃Why　。　。　。　　Yes！　　But　we　can't　make　that



job　last　more　than　three　days；〃　he　muttered；　discontentedly。　　I



don't　know　how　long　he　expected　us　to　be　stuck　on　the　riverside



outskirts　of　Rouen；　but　I　know　that　the　cables　got　hauled　up　and



turned　end　for　end　according