a personal record-第19章

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womanand　with　one　of　your　family；　too。　　I　simply　cannot　bear　to



think　of　it。〃







He　was　absolutely　wringing　his　hands。　　My　uncle　looked　at　him　in



silence。







〃Thank　you　for　this　warning。　　I　assure　you　that　even　if　she　were



dying　she　would　be　carried　out　to　the　carriage。〃







〃Yesindeedand　what　difference　would　it　maketravel　to　Kiev



or　back　to　her　husband？　　For　she　would　have　to　godeath　or　no



death。　　And　mind；　Mr。　B。；　I　will　be　here　on　the　day；　not　that　I



doubt　your　promise；　but　because　I　must。　　I　have　got　to。　　Duty。



All　the　same　my　trade　is　not　fit　for　a　dog　since　some　of　you



Poles　will　persist　in　rebelling；　and　all　of　you　have　got　to



suffer　for　it。〃







This　is　the　reason　why　he　was　there　in　an　open　three…horse　trap



pulled　up　between　the　house　and　the　great　gates。　　I　regret　not



being　able　to　give　up　his　name　to　the　scorn　of　all　believers　in



the　right　of　conquest；　as　a　reprehensibly　sensitive　guardian　of



Imperial　greatness。　　On　the　other　hand；　I　am　in　a　position　to



state　the　name　of　the　Governor…General　who　signed　the　order　with



the　marginal　note　〃to　be　carried　out　to　the　letter〃　in　his　own



handwriting。　　The　gentleman's　name　was　Bezak。　　A　high　dignitary；



an　energetic　official；　the　idol　for　a　time　of　the　Russian



patriotic　press。







Each　generation　has　its　memories。











IV







It　must　not　be　supposed　that；　in　setting　forth　the　memories　of



this　half…hour　between　the　moment　my　uncle　left　my　room　till　we



met　again　at　dinner；　I　am　losing　sight　of　〃Almayer's　Folly。〃　



Having　confessed　that　my　first　novel　was　begun　in　idlenessa



holiday　taskI　think　I　have　also　given　the　impression　that　it



was　a　much…delayed　book。　　It　was　never　dismissed　from　my　mind；



even　when　the　hope　of　ever　finishing　it　was　very　faint。　　Many



things　came　in　its　way：　daily　duties；　new　impressions；　old



memories。　　It　was　not　the　outcome　of　a　needthe　famous　need　of



self…expression　which　artists　find　in　their　search　for　motives。　



The　necessity　which　impelled　me　was　a　hidden；　obscure　necessity；



a　completely　masked　and　unaccountable　phenomenon。　　Or　perhaps



some　idle　and　frivolous　magician　（there　must　be　magicians　in



London）　had　cast　a　spell　over　me　through　his　parlour　window　as　I



explored　the　maze　of　streets　east　and　west　in　solitary　leisurely



walks　without　chart　and　compass。　　Till　I　began　to　write　that



novel　I　had　written　nothing　but　letters；　and　not　very　many　of



these。　　I　never　made　a　note　of　a　fact；　of　an　impression；　or　of　an



anecdote　in　my　life。　　The　conception　of　a　planned　book　was



entirely　outside　my　mental　range　when　I　sat　down　to　write；　the



ambition　of　being　an　author　had　never　turned　up　among　those



gracious　imaginary　existences　one　creates　fondly　for　oneself　at



times　in　the　stillness　and　immobility　of　a　day…dream：　yet　it



stands　clear　as　the　sun　at　noonday　that　from　the　moment　I　had



done　blackening　over　the　first　manuscript　page　of　〃Almayer's



Folly〃　（it　contained　about　two　hundred　words　and　this　proportion



of　words　to　a　page　has　remained　with　me　through　the　fifteen　years



of　my　writing　life）；　from　the　moment　I　had；　in　the　simplicity　of



my　heart　and　the　amazing　ignorance　of　my　mind；　written　that　page



the　die　was　cast。　　Never　had　Rubicon　been　more　blindly　forded



without　invocation　to　the　gods；　without　fear　of　men。







That　morning　I　got　up　from　my　breakfast；　pushing　the　chair　back；



and　rang　the　bell　violently；　or　perhaps　I　should　say　resolutely；



or　perhaps　I　should　say　eagerlyI　do　not　know。　　But　manifestly



it　must　have　been　a　special　ring　of　the　bell；　a　common　sound　made



impressive；　like　the　ringing　of　a　bell　for　the　raising　of　the



curtain　upon　a　new　scene。　　It　was　an　unusual　thing　for　me　to　do。　



Generally；　I　dawdled　over　my　breakfast　and　I　seldom　took　the



trouble　to　ring　the　bell　for　the　table　to　be　cleared　away；　but　on



that　morning；　for　some　reason　hidden　in　the　general



mysteriousness　of　the　event；　I　did　not　dawdle。　　And　yet　I　was　not



in　a　hurry。　I　pulled　the　cord　casually；　and　while　the　faint



tinkling　somewhere　down　in　the　basement　went　on；　I　charged　my



pipe　in　the　usual　way　and　I　looked　for　the　match…box　with　glances



distraught　indeed；　but　exhibiting；　I　am　ready　to　swear；　no　signs



of　a　fine　frenzy。　　I　was　composed　enough　to　perceive　after　some



considerable　time　the　match…box　lying　there　on　the　mantelpiece



right　under　my　nose。　　And　all　this　was　beautifully　and　safely



usual。　　Before　I　had　thrown　down　the　match　my　landlady's　daughter



appeared　with　her　calm；　pale　face　and　an　inquisitive　look；　in　the



doorway。　　Of　late　it　was　the　landlady's　daughter　who　answered　my



bell。　　I　mention　this　little　fact　with　pride；　because　it　proves



that　during　the　thirty　or　forty　days　of　my　tenancy　I　had　produced



a　favourable　impression。　　For　a　fortnight　past　I　had　been　spared



the　unattractive　sight　of　the　domestic　slave。　　The　girls　in　that



Bessborough　Gardens　house　were　often　changed；　but　whether　short



or　long；　fair　or　dark；　they　were　always　untidy　and　particularly



bedraggled；　as　if　in　a　sordid　version　of　the　fairy　tale　the



ash…bin　cat　had　been　changed　into　a　maid。　　I　was　infinitely



sensible　of　the　privilege　of　being　waited　on　by　my　landlady's



daughter。　　She　was　neat　if　anemic。







〃Will　you　please　clear　away　all　this　at　once？〃　　I　addressed　her



in　convulsive　accents；　being　at　the　same　time　engaged　in　getting



my　pipe　to　draw。　　This；　I　admit；　was　an　unusual　request。　



Generally；　on　getting　up　from　breakfast　I　would　sit　down　in　the



window　with　a　book　and　let　them　clear　the　table　when　they　liked；



but　if　you　think　that　on　that　morning　I　was　in　the　least



impatient；　you　are　mistaken。　　I　remember　that　I　was　perfectly



calm。　　As　a　matter　of　fact　I　was　not　at　all　certain　that　I　wanted



to　write；　or　that　I　meant　to　write；　or　that　I　had　anything　to



write　about。　　No；　I　was　not　impatient。　　I　lounged　between　the



mantelpiece　and　the　window；　not　even　consciously　waiting　for　the



table　to　be　cleared。　　It　was　ten　to　one　that　before　my　landlady's



daughter　was　done　I　would　pick　up　a　book　and　sit　down　with　it　all



the　morning　in　a　spirit　of　enjoyable　indolence。　　I　affirm　it　with



assurance；　and　I　don't　even　know　now　what　were　the　books　then



lying　about　the　room。　　What　ever　they　were；　they　were　not　the



works　of　great　masters；　where　the　secret　of　clear　thought　and



exact　expression　can　be　found。　Since　the　age　of　five　I　have　been



a　great　reader；　as　is　not　perhaps　wonderful　in　a　child　who　was



never　aware　of　learning　to　read。　　At　ten　years　of　age　I　had　read



much　of　Victor　Hugo　and　other　romantics。　　I　had　read　in　Polish



and　in　French；　history；　voyages；　novels；　I　knew　〃Gil　Blas〃　and



〃Don　Quixote〃　in　abridged　editions；　I　had　read　in　early　boyhood



Polish　poets　and　some　French　poets；　but　I　cannot　say　what　I　read



on　the　evening　before　I　began　to　write　myself。　　I　believe　it　was



a　novel；　and　it　is　quite　possible　that　it　was　one　of　Anthony



Trollope's　novels。　　It　is　very　likely。　　My　acquaintance　with　him



was　then　very　recent。　　He　is　one　of　the　English　novelists　whose



works　I　read　for　the　first　time　in　English。　　With　men　of　European



reputation；　with　Dickens　and　Walter　Scott　and　Thackeray；　it　was



otherwise。　　My　first　introduction　to　English　imaginative



literature　was　〃Nicholas　Nickleby。〃　　It　is　extraordinary　how　well



Mrs。　Nickleby　could　chatter　disconnectedly　in　Polish　and　the



sinister　Ralph　rage　in　that　language。　　As　to　the　Crummles　family



and　the　family　of　the　learned　Squeers　it　seemed　as　natural　to



them　as　their　native　speech。　　It　was；　I　have　no　doubt；　an