treatises on friendship and old age-第8章

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The　second　doctrine　is　that　which　limits　friendship　to　an　exact
equality　in　mutual　good　offices　and　good　feelings。　But　such　a　view
reduces　friendship　to　a　question　of　figures　in　a　spirit　far　too　narrow
and　illiberal；　as　though　the　object　were　to　have　an　exact　balance　in
a　debtor　and　creditor　account。　　True　friendship　appears　to　me　to　be
something　richer　and　more　generous　than　that　comes　to；　and　not　to
be　so　narrowly　on　its　guard　against　giving　more　than　it　receives。　In
such　a　matter　we　must　not　be　always　afraid　of　something　being
wasted　or　running　over　in　our　measure；　or　of　more　than　is　justly
due　being　devoted　to　our　friendship。

But　the　last　limit　proposed　is　the　worst；　namely；　that　a　friend's
estimate　of　himself　is　to　be　the　measure　of　our　estimate　of
him。　It　often　happens　that　a　man　has　too　humble　an　idea　of
himself；　or　takes　too　despairing　a　view　of　his　chance　of　bettering
his　fortune。　　In　such　a　case　a　friend　ought　not　to　take　the　view　of
him　which　he　takes　of　himself。　Rather　he　should　do　all　he　can　to
raise　his　drooping　spirits；　and　lead　him　to　more　cbeerful　hopes　and
thoughts。

We　must　then　find　some　other　limit。　But　I　must　first　mention　the
sentiment　which　used　to　call　forth　Scipio's　severest　criticism。　　He
often　said　that　no　one　ever　gave　utterance　to　anything　more
diametrically　opposed　to　the　spirit　of　friendship　than　the　author　of
the　dictum；　〃You　should　love　your　friend　with　the　consciousness
that　you　may　one　day　hate　him。〃　He　could　not　be　induced　to
believe　that　it　was　rightfully　attributed　to　Bias；　who　was　counted
as　one　of　the　Seven　Sages。　　It　was　the　sentiment　of　some　person
with　sinister　motives　or　selfish　ambition；　or　who　regarded
everything　as　it　affected　his　own　supremacy。　How　can　a　man　be
friends　with　another；　if　he　thinks　it　possible　that　be　may　be　his
enemy？　　Why；　it　will　follow　that　he　must　wish　and　desire　his　friend
to　commit　as　many　mistakes　as　possible；　that　he　may　have　all　the
more　handles　against　him；　and；　conversely；　that　he　must　be
annoyed；　irritated；　and　jealous　at　the　right　actions　or　good　fortune
of　his　friends。　　This　maxim；　then；　let　it　be　whose　it　will；　is　the　utter
destruction　of　friendship。　　The　true　rule　is　to　take　such　care　in　the
selection　of　our　friends　as　never　to　enter　upon　a　friendship　with　a
man　whom　we　could　under　any　circumstances　come　to　hate。　　And
even　if　we　are　unlucky　in　our　choice；　we　must　put　up　with
it…according　to　Scipio…in　preference　to　making　calculations　as　to　a
future　breach。

17。　The　real　limit　to　be　observed　in　friendship　is　this：　the
characters　of　two　friends　must　be　stainless。　There　must　be
complete　harmony　of　interests；　purpose；　and　aims；　without
exception。　　Then　if　the　case　arises　of　a　friend's　wish　（not　strictly
right　in　itself）　calling　for　support　in　a　matter　involvmg　his　life　or
reputation；　we　must　make　some　concession　from　the　straight
path…on　condition；　that　is　to　say；　that　extreme　disgrace　is　not　the
consequence。　　Something　must　be　conceded　to　friendship。　And　yet
we　must　not　be　entirely　careless　of　our　reputation；　nor　regard　the
good　opinion　of　our　fellow…citizens　as　a　weapon　which　we　can
afford　to　despise　in　conducting　the　business　of　our　life；　however
lowering　it　may　be　to　tout　for　it　by　flattery　and　smooth　words。　We
must　by　no　means　abjure　virtue；　which　secures　us　affection。

But　to　return　again　to　Scipio；　the　sole　author　of　the　discourse　on
friendship。　He　used　to　complain　that　there　was　nothing　on　which
men　bestowed　so　little　pains：　that　every　one　could　tell　exactly　how
many　goats　or　sheep　he　had；　but　not　how　many　friends；　and　while
they　took　pains　in　procuring　the　former；　they　were　utterly　careless
in　selecting　friends；　and　possessed　no　particular　marks；　so　to
speak；　or　tokens　by　which　they　might　judge　of　their　suitability　for
friendship。　　Now　the　qualities　we　ought　to　look　out　for　in　making
our　selection　are　firmness；　stability；　constancy。　There　is　a　plentiful
lack　of　men　so　endowed；　and　it　is　difficult　to　form　a　judgment
without　testing。　　Now　this　testing　can　only　be　made　during　the
actual　existence　of　the　friend…ship；　for　friendship　so　often　precedes
the　formation　of　a　judgment；　and　makes　a　previous　test　impossible。
If　we　are　prudent　then；　we　shall　rein　in　our　impulse　to　affection　as
we　do　chariot　horses。　　We　make　a　preliminary　trial　of　horses。　　So
we　should　of　friendship；　and　should　test　our　friends'　characters　by
a　kind　of　tentative　friendship。　　It　may　often　happen　that　the
untrustworthiness　of　certain　men　is　completely　displayed　in　a
small　money　matter；　others　who　are　proof　against　a　small　sum　are
detected　if　it　be　large。　But　even　if　some　are　found　who　think　it
mean　to　prefer　money　to　friendship；　where　shall　we　look　for　those
who　put　friendship　before　office；　civil　or　military　promotions；　and
political　power；　and　who；　when　the　choice　lies　between　these
things　on　the　one　side　and　the　claims　of　friendship　on　the　other；　do
not　give　a　strong　preference　to　the　former？　It　is　not　in　human
nature　to　be　indifferent　to　political　power；　and　if　the　price　men
have　to　pay　for　it　is　the　sacrifice　of　friendship；　they　think　their
treason　will　be　thrown　into　the　shade　by　the　magnitude　of　the
reward。　　This　is　why　true　friendship　is　very　difficult　to　find　among
those　who　engage　in　politics　and　the　contest　for　office。　Where　can
you　find　the　man　to　prefer　his　friend's　advancement　to　his　own？　
And　to　say　nothing　of　that；　think　how　grievous　and　almost
intolerable　it　is　to　most　men　to　share　political　disaster。　You　will
scarcely　find　anyone　who　can　bring　himself　to　do　that。　And　though
what　Ennius　says　is　quite　true；…〃　the　hour　of　need　shews　the　friend
indeed；〃…yet　it　is　in　these　two　ways　that　most　people　betray　their
untrustworthiness　and　inconstancy；　by　looking　down　on　friends
when　they　are　themselves　prosperous；　or　deserting　them　in　their
distress。　　A　man；　then；　who　has　shewn　a　firm；　unshaken；　and
unvarying　friendship　in　both　these　contingencies　we　must　reckon
as　one　of　a　class　the　rarest　in　the　world；　and　all　but　superhuman。

18。　Now；　what　is　the　quality　to　look　out　for　as　a　warrant　for　the
stability　and　permanence　of　friendship？　　It　is　loyalty。　Nothing　that
lacks　this　can　be　stable。　We　should　also　in　making　our　selection
look　out　for　simplicity；　a　social　disposition；　and　a　sympathetic
nature；　moved　by　what　moves　us。　　These　all　contribute　to　maintain
loyalty。　You　can　never　trust　a　character　which　is　intricate　and
tortuous。　　Nor；　indeed；　is　it　possible　for　one　to　be　trustworthy　and
firm　who　is　unsympathetic　by　nature　and　unmoved　by　what　affects
ourselves。　　We　may　add；　that　he　must　neither　take　pleasure　in
bringing　accusations　against　us　himself；　nor　believe　them　when
they　are　brought。　　All　these　contribute　to　form　that　constancy
which　I　have　been　endeavouring　to　describe。　And　the　result　is；
what　I　started　by　saying；　that　friendship　is　only　possible　between
good　men。

Now　there　are　two　characteristic　features　in　his　treatment　of　his
friends　that　a　good　（which　may　be　regarded　as　equivalent　to　a
wise）　man　will　always　display。　First；　he　will　be　entirely　without
any　make…believe　or　pretence　of　feeling；　for　the　open　display　even
of　dislike　is　more　becommg　to　an　ingenuous　character　than　a
studied　concealment　of　sentiment。　　Secondly；　he　will　not　only
reject　all　accusations　brought　against　his　friend　by　another；　but　he
will　not　be　suspicious　himself　either；　nor　be　always　thinking　that
his　friend　has　acted　improperly。　Besides　this；　there　should　be　a
certain　pleasantness　in　word　and　manner　which　adds　no　little
flavour　to　friendship。　A　gloomy　temper　and　unvarying　gravity
may　be　very　impressive；　but　friendship　should　be　a　little　less
unbending；　more　indulgent　and　gracious；　and　more　inclined　to　all
kinds　of　good…fellowship　and　good…nature。

19。　But　here　arises　a　question　of　some　little　difficulty。　Are　there
any　occasions　on　which；　assuming　their　worthiness；　we　should
prefer　new　to　old　friends；　just　as　we　prefer　young　to　aged　horses？　
The　answer　admits　of　no　doubt　whatever。　　For　there　should　be　no
satiety　in　friendship；　as　there　is　in　other　things。　The　older　the
sweeter；　as　in　wines　that　keep　well。　And　the　proverb　is　a　true　one；
〃You　must　eat　many　a　peck　o