the turn of the screw-第29章

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the　effect　upon　me　of　an　implication　of　surrender　even　so　faint。

It　was　as　if　what　I　had　yearned　for　had　come　at　last　only　to

astonish　me。　　〃Well；　yesI　may　as　well　make　a　clean　breast　of　it。

it　was　precisely　for　that。〃



He　waited　so　long　that　I　supposed　it　for　the　purpose　of　repudiating　the

assumption　on　which　my　action　had　been　founded；　but　what　he　finally　said　was：

〃Do　you　mean　nowhere？〃



〃There　couldn't　be　a　better　place　or　time。〃　　He　looked　round　him　uneasily；

and　I　had　the　rareoh；　the　queer！impression　of　the　very　first　symptom　I　had

seen　in　him　of　the　approach　of　immediate　fear。　　It　was　as　if　he　were　suddenly

afraid　of　mewhich　struck　me　indeed　as　perhaps　the　best　thing　to　make　him。

Yet　in　the　very　pang　of　the　effort　I　felt　it　vain　to　try　sternness；

and　I　heard　myself　the　next　instant　so　gentle　as　to　be　almost　grotesque。

〃You　want　so　to　go　out　again？〃



〃Awfully！〃　　He　smiled　at　me　heroically；　and　the　touching　little

bravery　of　it　was　enhanced　by　his　actually　flushing　with　pain。

He　had　picked　up　his　hat；　which　he　had　brought　in；　and　stood

twirling　it　in　a　way　that　gave　me；　even　as　I　was　just　nearly

reaching　port；　a　perverse　horror　of　what　I　was　doing。

To　do　it　in　ANY　way　was　an　act　of　violence；　for　what　did

it　consist　of　but　the　obtrusion　of　the　idea　of　grossness

and　guilt　on　a　small　helpless　creature　who　had　been　for　me

a　revelation　of　the　possibilities　of　beautiful　intercourse？

Wasn't　it　base　to　create　for　a　being　so　exquisite　a　mere

alien　awkwardness？　　I　suppose　I　now　read　into　our　situation

a　clearness　it　couldn't　have　had　at　the　time；　for　I　seem　to　see

our　poor　eyes　already　lighted　with　some　spark　of　a　prevision

of　the　anguish　that　was　to　come。　　So　we　circled　about；

with　terrors　and　scruples；　like　fighters　not　daring　to　close。

But　it　was　for　each　other　we　feared！　　That　kept　us　a　little

longer　suspended　and　unbruised。　　〃I'll　tell　you　everything；〃

Miles　said〃I　mean　I'll　tell　you　anything　you　like。

You'll　stay　on　with　me；　and　we　shall　both　be　all　right；

and　I　WILL　tell　youI　WILL。　　But　not　now。〃



〃Why　not　now？〃



My　insistence　turned　him　from　me　and　kept　him　once　more　at　his　window

in　a　silence　during　which；　between　us；　you　might　have　heard　a　pin　drop。

Then　he　was　before　me　again　with　the　air　of　a　person　for　whom；

outside；　someone　who　had　frankly　to　be　reckoned　with　was　waiting。

〃I　have　to　see　Luke。〃



I　had　not　yet　reduced　him　to　quite　so　vulgar　a　lie；　and　I　felt

proportionately　ashamed。　　But；　horrible　as　it　was；　his　lies　made

up　my　truth。　　I　achieved　thoughtfully　a　few　loops　of　my　knitting。

〃Well；　then；　go　to　Luke；　and　I'll　wait　for　what　you　promise。

Only；　in　return　for　that；　satisfy；　before　you　leave　me；

one　very　much　smaller　request。〃



He　looked　as　if　he　felt　he　had　succeeded　enough　to　be　able　still

a　little　to　bargain。　　〃Very　much　smaller？〃



〃Yes；　a　mere　fraction　of　the　whole。　　Tell　me〃oh；　my　work　preoccupied　me；

and　I　was　offhand！〃if；　yesterday　afternoon；　from　the　table　in　the　hall；

you　took；　you　know；　my　letter。〃







　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　XXIV





My　sense　of　how　he　received　this　suffered　for　a　minute　from　something

that　I　can　describe　only　as　a　fierce　split　of　my　attention

a　stroke　that　at　first；　as　I　sprang　straight　up；　reduced　me　to

the　mere　blind　movement　of　getting　hold　of　him；　drawing　him　close；

and；　while　I　just　fell　for　support　against　the　nearest　piece

of　furniture；　instinctively　keeping　him　with　his　back　to　the　window。

The　appearance　was　full　upon　us　that　I　had　already　had　to　deal　with　here：

Peter　Quint　had　come　into　view　like　a　sentinel　before　a　prison。

The　next　thing　I　saw　was　that；　from　outside；　he　had　reached　the　window；

and　then　I　knew　that；　close　to　the　glass　and　glaring　in　through　it；

he　offered　once　more　to　the　room　his　white　face　of　damnation。

It　represents　but　grossly　what　took　place　within　me　at　the　sight

to　say　that　on　the　second　my　decision　was　made；　yet　I　believe　that　no

woman　so　overwhelmed　ever　in　so　short　a　time　recovered　her　grasp

of　the　ACT。　　It　came　to　me　in　the　very　horror　of　the　immediate

presence　that　the　act　would　be；　seeing　and　facing　what　I　saw

and　faced；　to　keep　the　boy　himself　unaware。　　The　inspiration

I　can　call　it　by　no　other　namewas　that　I　felt　how　voluntarily；

how　transcendently；　I　MIGHT。　　It　was　like　fighting　with　a　demon

for　a　human　soul；　and　when　I　had　fairly　so　appraised　it　I　saw　how

the　human　soulheld　out；　in　the　tremor　of　my　hands；　at　arm's　length

had　a　perfect　dew　of　sweat　on　a　lovely　childish　forehead。

The　face　that　was　close　to　mine　was　as　white　as　the　face　against

the　glass；　and　out　of　it　presently　came　a　sound；　not　low　nor　weak；

but　as　if　from　much　further　away；　that　I　drank　like　a　waft　of　fragrance。



〃YesI　took　it。〃



At　this；　with　a　moan　of　joy；　I　enfolded；　I　drew　him　close；

and　while　I　held　him　to　my　breast；　where　I　could　feel　in　the　sudden

fever　of　his　little　body　the　tremendous　pulse　of　his　little　heart；

I　kept　my　eyes　on　the　thing　at　the　window　and　saw　it　move　and　shift

its　posture。　　I　have　likened　it　to　a　sentinel；　but　its　slow　wheel；

for　a　moment；　was　rather　the　prowl　of　a　baffled　beast。

My　present　quickened　courage；　however；　was　such　that；　not　too

much　to　let　it　through；　I　had　to　shade；　as　it　were；　my　flame。

Meanwhile　the　glare　of　the　face　was　again　at　the　window；　the　scoundrel

fixed　as　if　to　watch　and　wait。　　It　was　the　very　confidence

that　I　might　now　defy　him；　as　well　as　the　positive　certitude；

by　this　time；　of　the　child's　unconsciousness；　that　made　me　go　on。

〃What　did　you　take　it　for？〃



〃To　see　what　you　said　about　me。〃



〃You　opened　the　letter？〃



〃I　opened　it。〃



My　eyes　were　now；　as　I　held　him　off　a　little　again；

on　Miles's　own　face；　in　which　the　collapse　of　mockery

showed　me　how　complete　was　the　ravage　of　uneasiness。

What　was　prodigious　was　that　at　last；　by　my　success；

his　sense　was　sealed　and　his　communication　stopped：

he　knew　that　he　was　in　presence；　but　knew　not　of　what；

and　knew　still　less　that　I　also　was　and　that　I　did　know。

And　what　did　this　strain　of　trouble　matter　when　my　eyes

went　back　to　the　window　only　to　see　that　the　air　was　clear

again　andby　my　personal　triumphthe　influence　quenched？

There　was　nothing　there。　　I　felt　that　the　cause　was　mine

and　that　I　should　surely　get　ALL。　　〃And　you　found　nothing！〃

I　let　my　elation　out。



He　gave　the　most　mournful；　thoughtful　little　headshake。　　〃Nothing。〃



〃Nothing；　nothing！〃　　I　almost　shouted　in　my　joy。



〃Nothing；　nothing；〃　he　sadly　repeated。



I　kissed　his　forehead；　it　was　drenched。　　〃So　what　have　you　done　with　it？〃



〃I've　burned　it。〃



〃Burned　it？〃　　It　was　now　or　never。　　〃Is　that　what　you　did　at　school？〃



Oh；　what　this　brought　up！　　〃At　school？〃



〃Did　you　take　letters？or　other　things？〃



〃Other　things？〃　　He　appeared　now　to　be　thinking　of　something　far

off　and　that　reached　him　only　through　the　pressure　of　his　anxiety。

Yet　it　did　reach　him。　　〃Did　I　STEAL？〃



I　felt　myself　redden　to　the　roots　of　my　hair　as　well　as　wonder　if　it　were

more　strange　to　put　to　a　gentleman　such　a　question　or　to　see　him　take　it

with　allowances　that　gave　the　very　distance　of　his　fall　in　the　world。

〃Was　it　for　that　you　mightn't　go　back？〃



The　only　thing　he　felt　was　rather　a　dreary　little　surprise。

〃Did　you　know　I　mightn't　go　back？〃



〃I　know　everything。〃



He　gave　me　at　this　the　longest　and　strangest　look。　　〃Everything？〃



〃Everything。　　Therefore　DID　you？〃　But　I　couldn't　say　it　again。



Miles　could；　very　simply。　　〃No。　I　didn't　steal。〃



My　face　must　have　shown　him　I　believed　him　utterly；　yet　my　hands

but　it　was　for　pure　tendernessshook　him　as　if　to　ask　him　why；

if　it　was　all　for　nothing；　he　had　condemned　me　to　months　of　torment。

〃What　then　did　you　do？〃



He　looked　in　vague　pain　all　round　the　top　of　the　room　and　drew　his　breath；

two　or　three　times　over；　as　if　with　difficulty。　　He　might　have　been　standing

at　the　bottom　of　the　sea　and　raising　his　eyes　to　s