the turn of the screw-第27章
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〃She may be different? She may be free?〃 I seized her almost with joy。
〃Then; in spite of yesterday; you BELIEVE〃
〃In such doings?〃 Her simple description of them required;
in the light of her expression; to be carried no further;
and she gave me the whole thing as she had never done。
〃I believe。〃
Yes; it was a joy; and we were still shoulder to shoulder: if I might
continue sure of that I should care but little what else happened。
My support in the presence of disaster would be the same as it had
been in my early need of confidence; and if my friend would answer
for my honesty; I would answer for all the rest。 On the point of
taking leave of her; nonetheless; I was to some extent embarrassed。
〃There's one thing; of courseit occurs to meto remember。
My letter; giving the alarm; will have reached town before you。〃
I now perceived still more how she had been beating about the bush and
how weary at last it had made her。 〃Your letter won't have got there。
Your letter never went。〃
〃What then became of it?〃
〃Goodness knows! Master Miles〃
〃Do you mean HE took it?〃 I gasped。
She hung fire; but she overcame her reluctance。 〃I mean that I saw yesterday;
when I came back with Miss Flora; that it wasn't where you had put it。
Later in the evening I had the chance to question Luke; and he declared
that he had neither noticed nor touched it。〃 We could only exchange; on this;
one of our deeper mutual soundings; and it was Mrs。 Grose who first brought
up the plumb with an almost elated 〃You see!〃
〃Yes; I see that if Miles took it instead he probably will have read it
and destroyed it。〃
〃And don't you see anything else?〃
I faced her a moment with a sad smile。 〃It strikes me that by this
time your eyes are open even wider than mine。〃
They proved to be so indeed; but she could still blush; almost; to show it。
〃I make out now what he must have done at school。〃 And she gave;
in her simple sharpness; an almost droll disillusioned nod。 〃He stole!〃
I turned it overI tried to be more judicial。 〃Wellperhaps。〃
She looked as if she found me unexpectedly calm。
〃He stole LETTERS!〃
She couldn't know my reasons for a calmness after all
pretty shallow; so I showed them off as I might。
〃I hope then it was to more purpose than in this case!
The note; at any rate; that I put on the table yesterday;〃
I pursued; 〃will have given him so scant an advantage
for it contained only the bare demand for an interview
that he is already much ashamed of having gone so far
for so little; and that what he had on his mind last evening
was precisely the need of confession。〃 I seemed to myself;
for the instant; to have mastered it; to see it all。
〃Leave us; leave us〃I was already; at the door; hurrying her off。
〃I'll get it out of him。 He'll meet mehe'll confess。
If he confesses; he's saved。 And if he's saved〃
〃Then YOU are?〃 The dear woman kissed me on this;
and I took her farewell。 〃I'll save you without him!〃
she cried as she went。
XXII
Yet it was when she had got offand I missed her on the spot
that the great pinch really came。 If I had counted on
what it would give me to find myself alone with Miles;
I speedily perceived; at least; that it would give me a measure。
No hour of my stay in fact was so assailed with apprehensions
as that of my coming down to learn that the carriage containing
Mrs。 Grose and my younger pupil had already rolled out of the gates。
Now I WAS; I said to myself; face to face with the elements;
and for much of the rest of the day; while I fought
my weakness; I could consider that I had been supremely rash。
It was a tighter place still than I had yet turned round in;
all the more that; for the first time; I could see in
the aspect of others a confused reflection of the crisis。
What had happened naturally caused them all to stare;
there was too little of the explained; throw out whatever we might;
in the suddenness of my colleague's act。 The maids and the men
looked blank; the effect of which on my nerves was an aggravation
until I saw the necessity of making it a positive aid。
It was precisely; in short; by just clutching the helm
that I avoided total wreck; and I dare say that; to bear up
at all; I became; that morning; very grand and very dry。
I welcomed the consciousness that I was charged with much to do;
and I caused it to be known as well that; left thus to myself;
I was quite remarkably firm。 I wandered with that manner;
for the next hour or two; all over the place and looked;
I have no doubt; as if I were ready for any onset。
So; for the benefit of whom it might concern; I paraded
with a sick heart。
The person it appeared least to concern proved to be;
till dinner; little Miles himself。 My perambulations had
given me; meanwhile; no glimpse of him; but they had tended
to make more public the change taking place in our relation
as a consequence of his having at the piano; the day before;
kept me; in Flora's interest; so beguiled and befooled。
The stamp of publicity had of course been fully given by her
confinement and departure; and the change itself was now ushered
in by our nonobservance of the regular custom of the schoolroom。
He had already disappeared when; on my way down; I pushed
open his door; and I learned below that he had breakfasted
in the presence of a couple of the maidswith Mrs。 Grose
and his sister。 He had then gone out; as he said; for a stroll;
than which nothing; I reflected; could better have expressed
his frank view of the abrupt transformation of my office。
What he would not permit this office to consist of was yet
to be settled: there was a queer relief; at all eventsI mean
for myself in especialin the renouncement of one pretension。
If so much had sprung to the surface; I scarce put it too
strongly in saying that what had perhaps sprung highest
was the absurdity of our prolonging the fiction that I had
anything more to teach him。 It sufficiently stuck out that;
by tacit little tricks in which even more than myself he carried
out the care for my dignity; I had had to appeal to him to let me
off straining to meet him on the ground of his true capacity。
He had at any rate his freedom now; I was never to touch it again;
as I had amply shown; moreover; when; on his joining me in
the schoolroom the previous night; I had uttered; on the subject
of the interval just concluded; neither challenge nor hint。
I had too much; from this moment; my other ideas。
Yet when he at last arrived; the difficulty of applying them;
the accumulations of my problem; were brought straight home to me
by the beautiful little presence on which what had occurred
had as yet; for the eye; dropped neither stain nor shadow。
To mark; for the house; the high state I cultivated I
decreed that my meals with the boy should be served;
as we called it; downstairs; so that I had been awaiting
him in the ponderous pomp of the room outside of the window
of which I had had from Mrs。 Grose; that first scared Sunday;
my flash of something it would scarce have done to call light。
Here at present I felt afreshfor I had felt it again and again
how my equilibrium depended on the success of my rigid will;
the will to shut my eyes as tight as possible to the truth
that what I had to deal with was; revoltingly; against nature。
I could only get on at all by taking 〃nature〃 into my
confidence and my account; by treating my monstrous
ordeal as a push in a direction unusual; of course;
and unpleasant; but demanding; after all; for a fair front;
only another turn of the screw of ordinary human virtue。
No attempt; nonetheless; could well require more tact than
just this attempt to supply; one's self; ALL the nature。
How could I put even a little of that article into a suppression
of reference to what had occurred? How; on the other hand; could I
make refe