the turn of the screw-第22章

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〃What　do　you　mean　by　all　the　rest？〃



〃Oh；　you　know；　you　know！〃



I　could　say　nothing　for　a　minute；　though　I　felt；　as　I　held

his　hand　and　our　eyes　continued　to　meet；　that　my　silence

had　all　the　air　of　admitting　his　charge　and　that　nothing

in　the　whole　world　of　reality　was　perhaps　at　that　moment

so　fabulous　as　our　actual　relation。　　〃Certainly　you　shall　go

back　to　school；〃　I　said；　〃if　it　be　that　that　troubles　you。

But　not　to　the　old　placewe　must　find　another；　a　better。

How　could　I　know　it　did　trouble　you；　this　question；

when　you　never　told　me　so；　never　spoke　of　it　at　all？〃

His　clear；　listening　face；　framed　in　its　smooth　whiteness；

made　him　for　the　minute　as　appealing　as　some　wistful

patient　in　a　children's　hospital；　and　I　would　have　given；

as　the　resemblance　came　to　me；　all　I　possessed　on　earth　really

to　be　the　nurse　or　the　sister　of　charity　who　might　have　helped

to　cure　him。　　Well；　even　as　it　was；　I　perhaps　might　help！

〃Do　you　know　you've　never　said　a　word　to　me　about　your　school

I　mean　the　old　one；　never　mentioned　it　in　any　way？〃



He　seemed　to　wonder；　he　smiled　with　the　same　loveliness。

But　he　clearly　gained　time；　he　waited；　he　called　for　guidance。

〃Haven't　I？〃　　It　wasn't　for　ME　to　help　himit　was　for

the　thing　I　had　met！



Something　in　his　tone　and　the　expression　of　his　face；　as　I

got　this　from　him；　set　my　heart　aching　with　such　a　pang　as　it

had　never　yet　known；　so　unutterably　touching　was　it　to　see　his

little　brain　puzzled　and　his　little　resources　taxed　to　play；

under　the　spell　laid　on　him；　a　part　of　innocence　and　consistency。

〃No；　neverfrom　the　hour　you　came　back。　　You've　never

mentioned　to　me　one　of　your　masters；　one　of　your　comrades；

nor　the　least　little　thing　that　ever　happened　to　you　at　school。

Never；　little　Milesno；　neverhave　you　given　me　an　inkling

of　anything　that　MAY　have　happened　there。　　Therefore　you

can　fancy　how　much　I'm　in　the　dark。　　Until　you　came　out；

that　way；　this　morning；　you　had；　since　the　first　hour　I　saw　you；

scarce　even　made　a　reference　to　anything　in　your　previous　life。

You　seemed　so　perfectly　to　accept　the　present。〃　　It　was

extraordinary　how　my　absolute　conviction　of　his　secret　precocity

（or　whatever　I　might　call　the　poison　of　an　influence　that　I

dared　but　half　to　phrase）　made　him；　in　spite　of　the　faint

breath　of　his　inward　trouble；　appear　as　accessible　as　an

older　personimposed　him　almost　as　an　intellectual　equal。

〃I　thought　you　wanted　to　go　on　as　you　are。〃



It　struck　me　that　at　this　he　just　faintly　colored。　　He　gave；　at　any　rate；

like　a　convalescent　slightly　fatigued；　a　languid　shake　of　his　head。

〃I　don'tI　don't。　I　want　to　get　away。〃



〃You're　tired　of　Bly？〃



〃Oh；　no；　I　like　Bly。〃



〃Well；　then？〃



〃Oh；　YOU　know　what　a　boy　wants！〃



I　felt　that　I　didn't　know　so　well　as　Miles；　and　I　took　temporary　refuge。

〃You　want　to　go　to　your　uncle？〃



Again；　at　this；　with　his　sweet　ironic　face；　he　made　a　movement　on　the　pillow。

〃Ah；　you　can't　get　off　with　that！〃



I　was　silent　a　little；　and　it　was　I；　now；　I　think；　who　changed　color。

〃My　dear；　I　don't　want　to　get　off！〃



〃You　can't；　even　if　you　do。　　You　can't；　you　can't！〃

he　lay　beautifully　staring。　　〃My　uncle　must　come　down；

and　you　must　completely　settle　things。〃



〃If　we　do；〃　I　returned　with　some　spirit；　〃you　may　be　sure　it

will　be　to　take　you　quite　away。〃



〃Well；　don't　you　understand　that　that's　exactly　what　I'm　working　for？

You'll　have　to　tell　himabout　the　way　you've　let　it　all　drop：

you'll　have　to　tell　him　a　tremendous　lot！〃



The　exultation　with　which　he　uttered　this　helped

me　somehow；　for　the　instant；　to　meet　him　rather　more。

〃And　how　much　will　YOU；　Miles；　have　to　tell　him？

There　are　things　he'll　ask　you！〃



He　turned　it　over。　　〃Very　likely。　　But　what　things？〃



〃The　things　you've　never　told　me。　　To　make　up　his　mind　what　to　do　with　you。

He　can't　send　you　back〃



〃Oh；　I　don't　want　to　go　back！〃　he　broke　in。　　〃I　want　a　new　field。〃



He　said　it　with　admirable　serenity；　with　positive　unimpeachable　gaiety；

and　doubtless　it　was　that　very　note　that　most　evoked　for　me　the　poignancy；

the　unnatural　childish　tragedy；　of　his　probable　reappearance　at　the　end　of

three　months　with　all　this　bravado　and　still　more　dishonor。　　It　overwhelmed　me

now　that　I　should　never　be　able　to　bear　that；　and　it　made　me　let　myself　go。

I　threw　myself　upon　him　and　in　the　tenderness　of　my　pity　I　embraced　him。

〃Dear　little　Miles；　dear　little　Miles！〃



My　face　was　close　to　his；　and　he　let　me　kiss　him；　simply　taking　it

with　indulgent　good　humor。　　〃Well；　old　lady？〃



〃Is　there　nothingnothing　at　all　that　you　want　to　tell　me？〃



He　turned　off　a　little；　facing　round　toward　the　wall　and　holding

up　his　hand　to　look　at　as　one　had　seen　sick　children　look。

〃I've　told　youI　told　you　this　morning。〃



Oh；　I　was　sorry　for　him！　　〃That　you　just　want　me　not　to　worry　you？〃



He　looked　round　at　me　now；　as　if　in　recognition　of　my　understanding　him；

then　ever　so　gently；　〃To　let　me　alone；〃　he　replied。



There　was　even　a　singular　little　dignity　in　it；　something　that　made

me　release　him；　yet；　when　I　had　slowly　risen；　linger　beside　him。

God　knows　I　never　wished　to　harass　him；　but　I　felt　that　merely；　at　this；

to　turn　my　back　on　him　was　to　abandon　or；　to　put　it　more　truly；　to　lose　him。

〃I've　just　begun　a　letter　to　your　uncle；〃　I　said。



〃Well；　then；　finish　it！〃



I　waited　a　minute。　　〃What　happened　before？〃



He　gazed　up　at　me　again。　　〃Before　what？〃



〃Before　you　came　back。　　And　before　you　went　away。〃



For　some　time　he　was　silent；　but　he　continued　to　meet　my　eyes。

〃What　happened？〃



It　made　me；　the　sound　of　the　words；　in　which　it　seemed　to　me

that　I　caught　for　the　very　first　time　a　small　faint　quaver

of　consenting　consciousnessit　made　me　drop　on　my　knees　beside

the　bed　and　seize　once　more　the　chance　of　possessing　him。

〃Dear　little　Miles；　dear　little　Miles；　if　you　KNEW　how　I

want　to　help　you！　　It's　only　that；　it's　nothing　but　that；

and　I'd　rather　die　than　give　you　a　pain　or　do　you　a　wrong

I'd　rather　die　than　hurt　a　hair　of　you。　　Dear　little　Miles〃

oh；　I　brought　it　out　now　even　if　I　SHOULD　go　too　far〃I

just　want　you　to　help　me　to　save　you！〃　　But　I　knew　in　a　moment

after　this　that　I　had　gone　too　far。　　The　answer　to　my　appeal

was　instantaneous；　but　it　came　in　the　form　of　an　extraordinary

blast　and　chill；　a　gust　of　frozen　air；　and　a　shake　of　the　room

as　great　as　if；　in　the　wild　wind；　the　casement　had　crashed　in。

The　boy　gave　a　loud；　high　shriek；　which；　lost　in　the　rest

of　the　shock　of　sound；　might　have　seemed；　indistinctly；　though　I

was　so　close　to　him；　a　note　either　of　jubilation　or　of　terror。

I　jumped　to　my　feet　again　and　was　conscious　of　darkness。

So　for　a　moment　we　remained；　while　I　stared　about　me　and　saw

that　the　drawn　curtains　were　unstirred　and　the　window　tight。

〃Why；　the　candle's　out！〃　　I　then　cried。



〃It　was　I　who　blew　it；　dear！〃　said　Miles。







　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　XVIII





The　next　day；　after　lessons；　Mrs。　Grose　found　a　moment　to　say　to　me　quietly：

〃Have　you　written；　miss？〃



〃YesI've　written。〃　　But　I　didn't　addfor　the　hourthat　my　letter；

sealed　and　directed；　was　still　in　my　pocket。　　There　would　be　time

enough　to　send　it　before　the　messenger　should　go　to　the　village。

Meanwhile　there　had　been；　on　the　part　of　my　pupils；　no　more　brilliant；

more　exemplary　morning。　　It　was　exactly　as　if　they　had　both　had　at　heart

to　gloss　over　any　recent　little　friction。　　They　performed　the　dizziest　feats

of　arithmetic；　soaring　quite　out　of　MY　feeble　range；　and　perpetrated；

in　higher　spirits　than　ever；　geographical　and　historical　jokes。

It　was　conspicuous　of　course　in　Miles　in　particular　that　he　appeared

to　wish　to　show　how　easily　he　could　let　me　down。　　This　child；　to　my　memory；

really　lives　in　a　setting　of　beauty　and　misery　that　no　words　can　translate；

there　was　a　distinction　all　his　own　in　every　impulse　he　revealed；

never　was　a　small　natural　creature；　to