the turn of the screw-第19章

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with　a　kind　of　wild　irrelevance　and　never　to　failone　or　the　other

of　the　precious　question　that　had　helped　us　through　many　a　peril。

〃When　do　you　think　he　WILL　come？　　Don't　you　think　we　OUGHT

to　write？〃there　was　nothing　like　that　inquiry；　we　found

by　experience；　for　carrying　off　an　awkwardness。　　〃He〃　of　course

was　their　uncle　in　Harley　Street；　and　we　lived　in　much　profusion

of　theory　that　he　might　at　any　moment　arrive　to　mingle　in　our　circle。

It　was　impossible　to　have　given　less　encouragement　than　he　had　done

to　such　a　doctrine；　but　if　we　had　not　had　the　doctrine　to　fall　back　upon

we　should　have　deprived　each　other　of　some　of　our　finest　exhibitions。

He　never　wrote　to　themthat　may　have　been　selfish；　but　it　was　a　part

of　the　flattery　of　his　trust　of　me；　for　the　way　in　which　a　man

pays　his　highest　tribute　to　a　woman　is　apt　to　be　but　by　the　more

festal　celebration　of　one　of　the　sacred　laws　of　his　comfort；

and　I　held　that　I　carried　out　the　spirit　of　the　pledge　given　not

to　appeal　to　him　when　I　let　my　charges　understand　that　their　own

letters　were　but　charming　literary　exercises。　　They　were　too　beautiful

to　be　posted；　I　kept　them　myself；　I　have　them　all　to　this　hour。

This　was　a　rule　indeed　which　only　added　to　the　satiric　effect　of　my　being

plied　with　the　supposition　that　he　might　at　any　moment　be　among　us。

It　was　exactly　as　if　my　charges　knew　how　almost　more　awkward

than　anything　else　that　might　be　for　me。　　There　appears　to　me；

moreover；　as　I　look　back；　no　note　in　all　this　more　extraordinary

than　the　mere　fact　that；　in　spite　of　my　tension　and　of　their　triumph；

I　never　lost　patience　with　them。　　Adorable　they　must　in　truth

have　been；　I　now　reflect；　that　I　didn't　in　these　days　hate　them！

Would　exasperation；　however；　if　relief　had　longer　been　postponed；

finally　have　betrayed　me？　　It　little　matters；　for　relief　arrived。

I　call　it　relief；　though　it　was　only　the　relief　that　a　snap　brings

to　a　strain　or　the　burst　of　a　thunderstorm　to　a　day　of　suffocation。

It　was　at　least　change；　and　it　came　with　a　rush。







　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　XIV





Walking　to　church　a　certain　Sunday　morning；　I　had　little　Miles　at　my　side

and　his　sister；　in　advance　of　us　and　at　Mrs。　Grose's；　well　in　sight。

It　was　a　crisp；　clear　day；　the　first　of　its　order　for　some　time；

the　night　had　brought　a　touch　of　frost；　and　the　autumn　air；　bright　and　sharp；

made　the　church　bells　almost　gay。　　It　was　an　odd　accident　of　thought

that　I　should　have　happened　at　such　a　moment　to　be　particularly

and　very　gratefully　struck　with　the　obedience　of　my　little　charges。

Why　did　they　never　resent　my　inexorable；　my　perpetual　society？

Something　or　other　had　brought　nearer　home　to　me　that　I　had　all　but　pinned

the　boy　to　my　shawl　and　that；　in　the　way　our　companions　were　marshaled

before　me；　I　might　have　appeared　to　provide　against　some　danger　of　rebellion。

I　was　like　a　gaoler　with　an　eye　to　possible　surprises　and　escapes。

But　all　this　belongedI　mean　their　magnificent　little　surrender

just　to　the　special　array　of　the　facts　that　were　most　abysmal。

Turned　out　for　Sunday　by　his　uncle's　tailor；　who　had　had　a　free

hand　and　a　notion　of　pretty　waistcoats　and　of　his　grand　little　air；

Miles's　whole　title　to　independence；　the　rights　of　his　sex　and　situation；

were　so　stamped　upon　him　that　if　he　had　suddenly　struck　for　freedom

I　should　have　had　nothing　to　say。　　I　was　by　the　strangest　of　chances

wondering　how　I　should　meet　him　when　the　revolution　unmistakably　occurred。

I　call　it　a　revolution　because　I　now　see　how；　with　the　word　he　spoke；

the　curtain　rose　on　the　last　act　of　my　dreadful　drama；　and　the　catastrophe

was　precipitated。　　〃Look　here；　my　dear；　you　know；〃　he　charmingly　said；

〃when　in　the　world；　please；　am　I　going　back　to　school？〃



Transcribed　here　the　speech　sounds　harmless　enough；

particularly　as　uttered　in　the　sweet；　high；　casual　pipe　with　which；

at　all　interlocutors；　but　above　all　at　his　eternal　governess；

he　threw　off　intonations　as　if　he　were　tossing　roses。

There　was　something　in　them　that　always　made　one　〃catch；〃　and

I　caught；　at　any　rate；　now　so　effectually　that　I　stopped　as　short

as　if　one　of　the　trees　of　the　park　had　fallen　across　the　road。

There　was　something　new；　on　the　spot；　between　us；　and　he　was

perfectly　aware　that　I　recognized　it；　though；　to　enable　me　to　do　so；

he　had　no　need　to　look　a　whit　less　candid　and　charming　than　usual。

I　could　feel　in　him　how　he　already；　from　my　at　first　finding

nothing　to　reply；　perceived　the　advantage　he　had　gained。

I　was　so　slow　to　find　anything　that　he　had　plenty　of　time；

after　a　minute；　to　continue　with　his　suggestive　but　inconclusive　smile：

〃You　know；　my　dear；　that　for　a　fellow　to　be　with　a　lady　ALWAYS！〃

His　〃my　dear〃　was　constantly　on　his　lips　for　me；　and　nothing

could　have　expressed　more　the　exact　shade　of　the　sentiment　with

which　I　desired　to　inspire　my　pupils　than　its　fond　familiarity。

It　was　so　respectfully　easy。



But；　oh；　how　I　felt　that　at　present　I　must　pick　my　own　phrases！

I　remember　that；　to　gain　time；　I　tried　to　laugh；　and　I　seemed　to　see　in

the　beautiful　face　with　which　he　watched　me　how　ugly　and　queer　I　looked。

〃And　always　with　the　same　lady？〃　　I　returned。



He　neither　blanched　nor　winked。　　The　whole　thing　was　virtually　out

between　us。　　〃Ah；　of　course；　she's　a　jolly；　‘perfect'　lady；　but；　after　all；

I'm　a　fellow；　don't　you　see？　that'swell；　getting　on。〃



I　lingered　there　with　him　an　instant　ever　so　kindly。

〃Yes；　you're　getting　on。〃　　Oh；　but　I　felt　helpless！



I　have　kept　to　this　day　the　heartbreaking　little　idea

of　how　he　seemed　to　know　that　and　to　play　with　it。

〃And　you　can't　say　I've　not　been　awfully　good；　can　you？〃



I　laid　my　hand　on　his　shoulder；　for；　though　I　felt　how　much

better　it　would　have　been　to　walk　on；　I　was　not　yet　quite　able。

〃No；　I　can't　say　that；　Miles。〃



〃Except　just　that　one　night；　you　know！〃



〃That　one　night？〃　　I　couldn't　look　as　straight　as　he。



〃Why；　when　I　went　downwent　out　of　the　house。〃



〃Oh；　yes。　　But　I　forget　what　you　did　it　for。〃



〃You　forget？〃he　spoke　with　the　sweet　extravagance　of　childish　reproach。

〃Why；　it　was　to　show　you　I　could！〃



〃Oh；　yes；　you　could。〃



〃And　I　can　again。〃



I　felt　that　I　might；　perhaps；　after　all；　succeed　in　keeping

my　wits　about　me。　　〃Certainly。　　But　you　won't。〃



〃No；　not　THAT　again。　　It　was　nothing。〃



〃It　was　nothing；〃　I　said。　　〃But　we　must　go　on。〃



He　resumed　our　walk　with　me；　passing　his　hand　into　my　arm。

〃Then　when　AM　I　going　back？〃



I　wore；　in　turning　it　over；　my　most　responsible　air。

〃Were　you　very　happy　at　school？〃



He　just　considered。　　〃Oh；　I'm　happy　enough　anywhere！〃



〃Well；　then；〃　I　quavered；　〃if　you're　just　as　happy　here！〃



〃Ah；　but　that　isn't　everything！　　Of　course　YOU　know　a　lot〃



〃But　you　hint　that　you　know　almost　as　much？〃　　I　risked　as　he　paused。



〃Not　half　I　want　to！〃　　Miles　honestly　professed。

〃But　it　isn't　so　much　that。〃



〃What　is　it；　then？〃



〃WellI　want　to　see　more　life。〃



〃I　see；　I　see。〃　　We　had　arrived　within　sight　of　the　church　and

of　various　persons；　including　several　of　the　household　of　Bly；

on　their　way　to　it　and　clustered　about　the　door　to　see　us　go　in。

I　quickened　our　step；　I　wanted　to　get　there　before　the　question

between　us　opened　up　much　further；　I　reflected　hungrily　that；

for　more　than　an　hour；　he　would　have　to　be　silent；　and　I　thought

with　envy　of　the　comparative　dusk　of　the　pew　and　of　the　almost

spiritual　help　of　the　hassock　on　which　I　might　bend　my　knees。

I　seemed　literally　to　be　running　a　race　with　some　confusion

to　which　he　was　about　to　reduce　me；　but　I　felt　that　he　had　got

in　first　when；　before　we　had　even　entered　the　churchyard；

he　threw　out



〃I　want　my　own　sort！〃



It　literally　made　me　bound　forward。　　〃There　are　not　many　of　your

own　sort；　Miles！〃　　I　laughed。　　〃Unless　perhaps　dear　little　Flora！〃



〃You　really　compare　me　to　a　baby　girl？〃



This　found　me　singularly　weak。　　〃Don't　you；　then；　LO