the turn of the screw-第18章

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had　indiscreetly　opened。　　All　roads　lead　to　Rome；　and　there

were　times　when　it　might　have　struck　us　that　almost　every　branch

of　study　or　subject　of　conversation　skirted　forbidden　ground。

Forbidden　ground　was　the　question　of　the　return　of　the　dead

in　general　and　of　whatever；　in　especial；　might　survive；

in　memory；　of　the　friends　little　children　had　lost。

There　were　days　when　I　could　have　sworn　that　one　of　them　had；

with　a　small　invisible　nudge；　said　to　the　other：

〃She　thinks　she'll　do　it　this　timebut　she　WON'T！〃　To　〃do　it〃

would　have　been　to　indulge　for　instanceand　for　once　in　a　way

in　some　direct　reference　to　the　lady　who　had　prepared　them　for

my　discipline。　　They　had　a　delightful　endless　appetite　for　passages

in　my　own　history；　to　which　I　had　again　and　again　treated　them；

they　were　in　possession　of　everything　that　had　ever　happened　to　me；

had　had；　with　every　circumstance　the　story　of　my　smallest　adventures

and　of　those　of　my　brothers　and　sisters　and　of　the　cat　and　the　dog

at　home；　as　well　as　many　particulars　of　the　eccentric　nature

of　my　father；　of　the　furniture　and　arrangement　of　our　house；

and　of　the　conversation　of　the　old　women　of　our　village。

There　were　things　enough；　taking　one　with　another；　to　chatter　about；

if　one　went　very　fast　and　knew　by　instinct　when　to　go　round。

They　pulled　with　an　art　of　their　own　the　strings　of　my　invention

and　my　memory；　and　nothing　else　perhaps；　when　I　thought

of　such　occasions　afterward；　gave　me　so　the　suspicion　of　being

watched　from　under　cover。　　It　was　in　any　case　over　MY　life；

MY　past；　and　MY　friends　alone　that　we　could　take　anything

like　our　easea　state　of　affairs　that　led　them　sometimes　without

the　least　pertinence　to　break　out　into　sociable　reminders。

I　was　invitedwith　no　visible　connectionto　repeat　afresh

Goody　Gosling's　celebrated　mot　or　to　confirm　the　details

already　supplied　as　to　the　cleverness　of　the　vicarage　pony。



It　was　partly　at　such　junctures　as　these　and　partly　at　quite

different　ones　that；　with　the　turn　my　matters　had　now　taken；

my　predicament；　as　I　have　called　it；　grew　most　sensible。

The　fact　that　the　days　passed　for　me　without　another　encounter　ought；

it　would　have　appeared；　to　have　done　something　toward　soothing　my　nerves。

Since　the　light　brush；　that　second　night　on　the　upper　landing；

of　the　presence　of　a　woman　at　the　foot　of　the　stair；　I　had　seen　nothing；

whether　in　or　out　of　the　house；　that　one　had　better　not　have　seen。

There　was　many　a　corner　round　which　I　expected　to　come　upon　Quint；

and　many　a　situation　that；　in　a　merely　sinister　way；　would　have　favored

the　appearance　of　Miss　Jessel。　　The　summer　had　turned；　the　summer　had　gone；

the　autumn　had　dropped　upon　Bly　and　had　blown　out　half　our　lights。

The　place；　with　its　gray　sky　and　withered　garlands；　its　bared　spaces

and　scattered　dead　leaves；　was　like　a　theater　after　the　performance

all　strewn　with　crumpled　playbills。　　There　were　exactly　states　of　the　air；

conditions　of　sound　and　of　stillness；　unspeakable　impressions

of　the　KIND　of　ministering　moment；　that　brought　back　to　me；

long　enough　to　catch　it；　the　feeling　of　the　medium　in　which；

that　June　evening　out　of　doors；　I　had　had　my　first　sight　of　Quint；

and　in　which；　too；　at　those　other　instants；　I　had；　after　seeing　him

through　the　window；　looked　for　him　in　vain　in　the　circle　of　shrubbery。

I　recognized　the　signs；　the　portentsI　recognized　the　moment；　the　spot。

But　they　remained　unaccompanied　and　empty；　and　I　continued　unmolested；

if　unmolested　one　could　call　a　young　woman　whose　sensibility　had；

in　the　most　extraordinary　fashion；　not　declined　but　deepened。

I　had　said　in　my　talk　with　Mrs。　Grose　on　that　horrid　scene　of　Flora's

by　the　lakeand　had　perplexed　her　by　so　sayingthat　it　would　from

that　moment　distress　me　much　more　to　lose　my　power　than　to　keep　it。

I　had　then　expressed　what　was　vividly　in　my　mind：　　the　truth　that；

whether　the　children　really　saw　or　notsince；　that　is；　it　was

not　yet　definitely　provedI　greatly　preferred；　as　a　safeguard；

the　fullness　of　my　own　exposure。　　I　was　ready　to　know　the　very　worst

that　was　to　be　known。　　What　I　had　then　had　an　ugly　glimpse　of　was

that　my　eyes　might　be　sealed　just　while　theirs　were　most　opened。

Well；　my　eyes　WERE　sealed；　it　appeared；　at　present

a　consummation　for　which　it　seemed　blasphemous　not　to　thank　God。

There　was；　alas；　a　difficulty　about　that：　　I　would　have　thanked

him　with　all　my　soul　had　I　not　had　in　a　proportionate　measure　this

conviction　of　the　secret　of　my　pupils。



How　can　I　retrace　today　the　strange　steps　of　my　obsession？

There　were　times　of　our　being　together　when　I　would　have　been　ready

to　swear　that；　literally；　in　my　presence；　but　with　my　direct　sense

of　it　closed；　they　had　visitors　who　were　known　and　were　welcome。

Then　it　was　that；　had　I　not　been　deterred　by　the　very　chance　that

such　an　injury　might　prove　greater　than　the　injury　to　be　averted；

my　exultation　would　have　broken　out。　　〃They're　here；　they're　here；

you　little　wretches；〃　I　would　have　cried；　〃and　you　can't　deny　it　now！〃

The　little　wretches　denied　it　with　all　the　added　volume　of　their

sociability　and　their　tenderness；　in　just　the　crystal　depths　of　which

like　the　flash　of　a　fish　in　a　streamthe　mockery　of　their　advantage

peeped　up。　　The　shock；　in　truth；　had　sunk　into　me　still　deeper

than　I　knew　on　the　night　when；　looking　out　to　see　either　Quint

or　Miss　Jessel　under　the　stars；　I　had　beheld　the　boy　over　whose

rest　I　watched　and　who　had　immediately　brought　in　with　him

had　straightway；　there；　turned　it　on　methe　lovely　upward　look　with　which；

from　the　battlements　above　me；　the　hideous　apparition　of　Quint　had　played。

If　it　was　a　question　of　a　scare；　my　discovery　on　this　occasion

had　scared　me　more　than　any　other；　and　it　was　in　the　condition

of　nerves　produced　by　it　that　I　made　my　actual　inductions。

They　harassed　me　so　that　sometimes；　at　odd　moments；　I　shut　myself

up　audibly　to　rehearseit　was　at　once　a　fantastic　relief　and　a

renewed　despairthe　manner　in　which　I　might　come　to　the　point。

I　approached　it　from　one　side　and　the　other　while；　in　my　room；

I　flung　myself　about；　but　I　always　broke　down　in　the　monstrous

utterance　of　names。　　As　they　died　away　on　my　lips；　I　said　to　myself

that　I　should　indeed　help　them　to　represent　something　infamous；

if；　by　pronouncing　them；　I　should　violate　as　rare　a　little　case

of　instinctive　delicacy　as　any　schoolroom；　probably；　had　ever　known。

When　I　said　to　myself：　　〃THEY　have　the　manners　to　be　silent；

and　you；　trusted　as　you　are；　the　baseness　to　speak！〃

I　felt　myself　crimson　and　I　covered　my　face　with　my　hands。

After　these　secret　scenes　I　chattered　more　than　ever；　going　on

volubly　enough　till　one　of　our　prodigious；　palpable　hushes　occurred

I　can　call　them　nothing　elsethe　strange；　dizzy　lift　or　swim

（I　try　for　terms！）　into　a　stillness；　a　pause　of　all　life；　that　had

nothing　to　do　with　the　more　or　less　noise　that　at　the　moment　we

might　be　engaged　in　making　and　that　I　could　hear　through　any　deepened

exhilaration　or　quickened　recitation　or　louder　strum　of　the　piano。

Then　it　was　that　the　others；　the　outsiders；　were　there。

Though　they　were　not　angels；　they　〃passed；〃　as　the　French　say；

causing　me；　while　they　stayed；　to　tremble　with　the　fear　of　their

addressing　to　their　younger　victims　some　yet　more　infernal　message

or　more　vivid　image　than　they　had　thought　good　enough　for　myself。



What　it　was　most　impossible　to　get　rid　of　was　the　cruel　idea　that；

whatever　I　had　seen；　Miles　and　Flora　saw　MOREthings　terrible

and　unguessable　and　that　sprang　from　dreadful　passages　of　intercourse

in　the　past。　　Such　things　naturally　left　on　the　surface；

for　the　time；　a　chill　which　we　vociferously　denied　that　we　felt；

and　we　had；　all　three；　with　repetition；　got　into　such　splendid

training　that　we　went；　each　time；　almost　automatically；　to　mark

the　close　of　the　incident；　through　the　very　same　movements。

It　was　striking　of　the　children；　at　all　events；　to　kiss　me　inveterately

with　a　kind　of　wild　irrelevance　and