poor miss finch-第97章

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His　views　on　politics　and　religion　are　（in　a　clergyman）　simply
detestable。　Still　he　is　your　father；　and　it　is　a　duty　on　my　part；　after
what　that　rude　foreigner　has　said　about　your　health；　to　offer　to　restore
you　to　your　father's　roofor；　at　least；　to　obtain　your　father's　sanction
to　your　continuing　to　remain　under　my　care。　This　course；　in　either　case
you　will　observe；　relieves　me　from　the　entire　responsibility。　I　am　doing
nothing　to　compromise　my　position。　My　position　is　quite　plain　to　me。　I
should　have　formally　accepted　your　father's　hospitality　on　the　occasion
of　your　weddingif　I　had　been　well　enough　and　if　the　wedding　had　taken
place。　It　follows　as　a　matter　of　course　that　I　may　formally　report　to
your　father　what　the　medical　opinion　is　of　your　health。　However　brutally
it　may　have　been　given；　it　is　a　medical　opinionand　as　such　I　am　bound
to　communicate　it。

Knowing　but　too　well　how　bitterly　my　aunt's　aversion　to　him　is
reciprocated　by　my　father；　I　did　my　best　to　combat　Miss　Batchford's
resolutionwithout　making　matters　worse　by　telling　her　what　my　motives
really　were。　With　some　difficulty　I　prevailed　on　her　to　defer　the
proposed　report　of　me　for　a　day　or　twoand　we　parted　for　the　night　（the
old　lady's　fits　of　temper　are　soon　over）　as　good　friends　as　usual。

This　little　episode　in　my　narrative　of　events　diverted　my　mind　for　the
time　from　Oscar's　strange　conduct　yesterday　evening。　But　once　up　here　by
myself　in　my　own　room；　I　have　been　thinking　of　it；　or　dreaming　of　it
（such　horrid　dreamsI　cannot　write　them　down！）　almost　incessantly　from
that　time　to　this。　When　we　meet　again　to…dayhow　will　he　look？　what　will
he　say？

He　was　right　yesterday。　I　_am_　cold　to　him；　there　is　some　change　in　me
towards　him；　which　I　don't　understand　myself。　My　conscience　accuses　me；
now　I　am　aloneand　yet；　God　knows；　it　is　not　my　fault。　Poor　Oscar！　Poor
me！　I　have　never　longed　to　see　himsince　we　met　at　this　placeas　I　long
now。　He　sometimes　comes　to　breakfast。　Will　he　come　to　breakfast　to…day？
Oh；　how　my　eyes　ache！　and　how　obstinately　the　mist　stops　in　the　room！
Suppose　I　close　the　window；　and　go　back　to　bed　again　for　a　little　while？

_Nine　o'clock。_The　maid　came　in　half　an　hour　since；　and　woke　me。　She
went　to　open　the　window　as　usual。　I　stopped　her。

〃Is　the　mist　gone？〃　I　asked。

The　girl　stared；　〃What　mist；　Miss？〃

〃Haven't　you　seen　it？〃

〃No；　Miss。〃

〃What　time　did　you　get　up？〃

〃At　seven；　Miss。〃

At　seven　I　was　still　writing　in　my　Journal；　and　the　mist　was　still　over
everything　in　the　room。　Persons　in　the　lower　ranks　of　life　are　curiously
unobservant　of　the　aspects　of　Nature。　I　never　（in　the　days　of　my
blindness）　got　any　information　from　servants　or　laborers　about　the　views
round　Dimchurch。　They　seemed　to　have　no　eyes　for　anything　beyond　the
range　of　the　kitchen；　or　the　ploughed　field。　I　got　out　of　bed；　and　took
the　maid　myself　to　the　window；　and　opened　it。

〃There！〃　I　said。　〃It　is　not　quite　so　thick　as　it　was　some　hours　since。
But　there　is　the　mist　as　plain　as　can　be！〃

The　girl　looked　backwards　and　forwards　in　a　state　of　bewilderment　between
me　and　the　view。

〃Mist？〃　she　repeated。　〃Begging　your　pardon；　Miss；　it's　a　beautiful　clear
morningas　I　see　it。〃

〃Clear？〃　I　repeated　on　my　side。

〃Yes；　Miss！〃

〃Do　you　mean　to　tell　me　it's　clear　over　the　sea？〃

〃The　sea　is　a　beautiful　blue；　Miss。　Far　and　near；　you　can　see　the　ships。〃

〃Where　are　the　ships？〃

She　pointed；　out　of　the　window；　to　a　certain　spot。

〃There　are　two　of　them；　Miss。　A　big　ship；　with　three　masts。　And　a　little
ship　just　behind；　with　one。〃

I　looked　along　her　finger；　and　strained　my　eyes　to　see。　All　I　could　make
out　was　a　dim　greyish　mist；　with　something　like　a　little　spot　or　blur　on
it；　at　the　place　which　the　maid's　finger　indicated　as　the　position
occupied　by　the　two　ships。

The　idea　struck　me　for　the　first　time　that　the　dimness　which　I　had
attributed　to　the　mist；　was；　in　plain　truth；　the　dimness　in　my　own　eyes。
For　the　moment　I　was　a　little　startled。　I　left　the　window；　and　made　the
best　excuse　that　I　could　to　the　girl。　As　soon　as　it　was　possible　to
dismiss　her；　I　sent　her　away；　and　bathed　my　eyes　with　one　of　Grosse's
lotions；　and　then　tried　them　again　in　writing　this　entry。　To　my　relief；　I
can　see　to　write　better　than　I　did　earlier　in　the　morning。　Still；　I　have
had　a　warning　to　pay　a　little　more　attention　to　Grosse's　directions　than
I　have　hitherto　done。　Is　it　possible　that　he　saw　something　in　the　state
of　my　eyes　which　he　was　afraid　to　tell　me　of？　Nonsense！　Grosse　is　not　the
sort　of　man　who　shrinks　from　speaking　out。　I　have　fatigued　my　eyesthat
is　all。　Let　me　shut　up　my　book；　and　go　down…stairs　to　breakfast。

_Ten　o'clock。_For　a　moment；　I　open　my　Journal　again。

Something　has　happened　which　I　must　positively　set　down　in　the　history　of
my　life。　I　am　so　vexed　and　so　angry！　The　maid；　（wretched　chattering
fool！）　has　told　my　aunt　what　passed　between　us　this　morning　at　my　window。
Miss　Batchford　has　taken　the　alarm；　and　has　insisted　on　writing；　not　only
to　Grosse；　but　to　my　father。　In　the　present　embittered　state　of　my
father's　feelings　against　my　aunt；　he　will　either　leave　her　letter
unanswered；　or　he　will　offend　her　by　an　angry　reply。　In　either　case；　I
shall　be　the　sufferer：　my　aunt's　sense　of　injurywhich　cannot　address
itself　to　my　fatherwill　find　a　convenient　object　to　assail　in　me。　I
shall　never　hear　the　last　of　it。　Being　already　nervous　and　dispirited；
the　prospect　of　finding　myself　involved　in　a　new　family　quarrel　quite
daunts　me。　I　feel　ungratefully　inclined　to　run　away　from　Miss　Batchford；
when　I　think　of　it！

No　signs　of　Oscar；　and　no　news　of　Oscaryet。

_Twelve　o'clock。_But　one　trial　more　was　wanted　to　make　my　life　here
quite　unendurable。　The　trial　has　come。

A　letter　from　Oscar　（sent　by　a　messenger　from　his　hotel）　has　just　been
placed　in　my　hands。　It　informs　me　that　he　has　decided　on　leaving　Ramsgate
by　the　next　train。　The　next　train　starts　in　forty　minutes。　Good　God！　what
am　I　to　do？

My　eyes　are　burning。　I　know　it　does　them　harm　to　cry。　How　can　I　help
crying？　It　is　all　over　between　us；　if　I　let　Oscar　go　away　alonehis
letter　as　good　as　tells　me　so。　Oh；　why　have　I　behaved　so　coldly　to　him？　I
ought　to　make　any　sacrifice　of　my　own　feelings　to　atone　for　it。　And　yet；
there　is　an　obstinate　something　in　me　that　shrinksWhat　am　I　to　do？　what
am　I　to　do？

I　must　drop　the　pen；　and　try　if　I　can　think。　My　eyes　completely　fail　me。
I　can　write　no　more。

＇Note。I　copy　the　letter　to　which　Lucilla　refers。

Nugent's　own　assertion　is；　that　he　wrote　it　in　a　moment　of　remorse；　to
give　her　an　opportunity　of　breaking　the　engagement　by　which　she
innocently　supposed　herself　to　be　held　to　him。　He　declares　that　he
honestly　believed　the　letter　would　offend　her；　when　he　wrote　it。　The
other　interpretation　of　the　document　is；　that　finding　himself　obliged　to
leave　Ramsgateunder　penalty　（if　he　remained）　of　being　exposed　by　Grosse
as　an　impostor；　when　the　surgeon　visited　his　patient　on　the　next
dayNugent　seized　the　opportunity　of　making　his　absence　the　means　of
working　on　Lucilla's　feelings；　so　as　to　persuade　her　to　accompany　him　to
London。　Don't　ask　me　which　of　these　two　conclusions　I　favor。　For　reasons
which　you　will　understand　when　you　have　come　to　the　end　of　my　narrative；
I　would　rather　not　express　my　opinion；　either　one　way　or　the　other。

Read　the　letterand　determine　for　yourselves：

〃MY　DARLING；After　a　sleepless　night；　I　have　decided　on　leaving
Ramsgate；　by　the　next　train　that　starts　after　you　receive　these　lines。
Last　night's　experience　has　satisfied　me　that　my　presence　here　（after
what　I　said　to　you　on　the　pier）　only　distresses　you。　Some　influence　that
is　too　strong　for　you　to　resist　has　changed　your　heart　towards　me。　When
the　time　comes　for　you　to　determine　whether　you　will　be　my　wife　on　the
conditions　that　I　have　proposed；　I　see　but　too　plainly　that　you　will　say
No。　Let　me　make　it　less　hard　for　you；　my　love；　to　do　that；　by　leaving　you
to　write　the　wordinstead　of　saying　it　to　me。　If　you　wish　for　your
freedom；　cost　me　what　it　may；　I　will　absolve　you　from　your　engagement。　I
love　you　too　dearly　to　blame　you。　My　address　in　London　is　on　the　other
leaf。　Farewell！