poor miss finch-第95章

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seeings…feelings　has　got　used　to　one　anodder；　your　seeings　will　stay
where　he　is；　your　feelings　will　come　back　to　where　they　was；　one　will
balance　the　odder；　you　will　feel　as　you　did；　you　will　see　as　you　didn't；
all　at　the　same　times；　all　jolly…nice　again　as　before。　You　have　my
opinions。　Now　let　me　walk　out　my　blue　devil。　I　swear　to　come　back　again
with　a　new　inside。　By…bye…my…Feench…good…bye。〃

Saying　all　this　in　a　violent　hurry；　as　if　he　was　eager　to　get　away；　he
gave　me　a　kiss　on　the　forehead；　snatched　up　his　shabby　hat；　and　ran　out
of　the　room。

What　did　it　mean？

Does　he　persist　in　thinking　me　seriously　ill？　I　am　too　weary　to　puzzle　my
brains　in　the　effort　to　understand　my　dear　old　surgeon。　It　is　one　o'clock
in　the　morning；　and　I　have　still　to　write　the　story　of　all　that　happened
later　in　the　day。　My　eyes　are　beginning　to　ache；　and；　strange　to　say；　I
have　hardly　been　able　to　see　the　last　two　or　three　lines　I　have　written。
They　look　as　if　the　ink　was　fading　from　them。　If　Grosse　knew　what　I　am
about　at　this　moment！　His　last　words　to　me；　when　he　went　back　to　his
patients　in　London；　were：〃No　more　readings！　no　more　writings　till　I
come　again！〃　It　is　all　very　well　to　talk　in　that　way。　I　have　got　so　used
to　my　Journal　that　I　can't　do　without　it。　Nevertheless；　I　must　stop
nowfor　the　best　of　reasons。　Though　I　have　got　three　lighted　candles　on
my　table；　I　really　cannot　see　to　write　any　more。

To　bed！　to　bed！

＇Note。I　have　purposely　abstained　from　interrupting　Lucilla's　Journal
until　my　extracts　from　it　had　reached　this　place。　Here　the　writer　pauses；
and　gives　me　a　chance；　and　here　there　are　matters　that　must　be　mentioned；
of　which　she　had　personally　no　knowledge　at　the　time。

You　have　seen　how　her　faithful　instinct　still　tries　to　reveal　to　my　poor
darling　the　cruel　deception　that　is　being　practiced　on　herand　still
tries　in　vain。　In　spite　of　herself；　she　shrinks　from　the　man　who　is
tempting　her　to　go　away　with　himthough　he　pleads　in　the　character　of
her　betrothed　husband。　In　spite　of　herself；　she　detects　the　weak　places
in　the　case　which　Nugent　has　made　out　against　methe　absence　of
sufficient　motive　for　the　conduct　of　which　he　accuses　me；　and　the　utter
improbability　of　my　plotting　and　intriguing　（without　anything　to　gain　by
it）　to　make　her　marry　the　man　who　was　not　the　man　of　her　choice。　She
feels　these　hesitations　and　difficulties。　But　what　they　really　signify　it
is　morally　impossible　for　her　to　guess。

Thus　far；　no　doubt；　her　strange　and　touching　position　has　been　plainly
revealed　to　you。　But　can　I　feel　quite　so　sure　that　you　understand　how
seriously　she　has　been　affected　by　the　anxiety；　disappointment；　and
suspense　which　have　combined　together　to　torture　her　at　this　critical
interval　in　her　life？

I　doubt　it；　for　the　sufficient　reason　that　you　have　only　had　her　Journal
to　enlighten　you；　and　that　her　Journal　shows　she　does　not　understand　it
herself。　As　things　are；　it　seems　to　be　time　for　me　to　step　on　the　stage；
and　to　discover　to　you　plainly　what　her　surgeon　really　thought　of　her；　by
telling　you　what　passed　between　Grosse　and　Nugent；　when　the　German
presented　himself　at　the　hotel。

I　am　writing　now　（as　a　matter　of　course）　from　information　given　to　me；　at
an　after…period；　by　the　persons　themselves。　As　to　particulars；　the
accounts　vary。　As　to　results；　they　both　agree。

The　discovery　that　Nugent　was　at　Ramsgate　necessarily　took　Grosse　by
surprise。　With　his　previous　knowledge；　however；　of　the　situation　of
affairs　at　Dimchurch；　he　could　be　at　no　loss　to　understand　in　what
character　Nugent　had　presented　himself　to　Lucilla；　and　he　could　certainly
not　fail　to　understandafter　what　he　had　seen　and　what　she　had　herself
told　himthat　the　deception　was；　under　present　circumstances；　producing
the　worst　possible　effect　on　her　mind。　Arriving　at　this　conclusion；　he
was　not　a　man　to　hesitate　about　the　duty　that　lay　before　him。　When　he
entered　the　room　at　the　hotel　in　which　Nugent　was　waiting；　he　announced
the　object　of　his　visit　in　these　four　plain　words；　as　follows：

〃Pack　up；　and　go！〃

Nugent　coolly　offered　him　a　chair；　and　asked　what　he　meant。

Grosse　refused　the　chairbut　consented　to　explain　himself　in　terms
variously　reported　by　the　two　parties。　Combining　the　statements；　and
translating　Grosse　（in　this　grave　matter）　into　plain　English；　I　find　that
the　German　must　have　expressed　himself　in　these；　or　nearly　in　these；
words：

〃As　a　professional　man；　Mr。　Nugent；　I　invariably　refuse　to　enter　into
domestic　considerations　connected　with　my　patients　with　which　I　have
nothing　to　do。　In　the　case　of　Miss　Finch；　my　business　is　not　with　your
family　complications。　My　business　is　to　secure　the　recovery　of　the　young
lady's　sight。　If　I　find　her　health　improving；　I　don't　inquire　how　or　why。
No　matter　what　private　and　personal　frauds　you　may　be　practicing　upon
her；　I　have　nothing　to　say　to　themmore；　I　am　ready　to　take　advantage　of
them　myselfso　long　as　their　influence　is　directly　beneficial　in　keeping
her　morally　and　physically　in　the　condition　in　which　I　wish　her　to　be。
But；　the　instant　I　discover　that　this　domestic　conspiracy　of　yoursthis
personation　of　your　brother　which　once　quieted　and　comforted　heris
unfavorably　affecting　her　health　of　body　and　her　peace　of　mind；　I
interfere　between　you　in　the　character　of　her　medical　attendant；　and　stop
it　on　medical　grounds。　You　are　producing　in　my　patient　a　conflict　of
feeling；　whichin　a　nervous　temperament　like　herscannot　go　on　without
serious　injury　to　her　health。　And　serious　injury　to　her　health　means
serious　injury　to　her　eyes。　I　won't　have　thatI　tell　you　plainly　to　pack
up　and　go。　I　meddle　with　nothing　else。　After　what　you　have　yourself　seen；
I　leave　you　to　decide　whether　you　will　restore　your　brother　to　Miss
Finch；　or　not。　All　I　say　is；　Go。　Make　any　excuse　you　like；　but　go　before
you　have　done　more　mischief。　You　shake　your　head！　Is　that　a　sign　that　you
refuse？　Take　a　day　to　think；　before　you　make　up　your　mind。　I　have
patients　in　London　to　whom　I　am　obliged　to　go　back。　But　the　day　after
to…morrow；　I　shall　return　to　Ramsgate。　If　I　find　you　still　here；　I　shall
tell　Miss　Finch　you　are　no　more　Oscar　Dubourg　than　I　am。　In　her　present
state；　I　see　less　danger　in　giving　her　even　that　serious　shock　than　in
leaving　her　to　the　slow　torment　of　mind　which　you　are　inflicting　by　your
continued　presence　in　this　place。　My　last　word　is　said。　I　go　back　by　the
next　train；　in　an　hour's　time。　Good　morning；　Mr。　Nugent。　If　you　are　a
wise　man；　you　will　meet　me　at　the　station。〃

After　this；　the　accounts　vary。　Nugent's　statement　asserts　that　he
accompanied　Grosse　on　his　way　back　to　Miss　Batchford's　lodging；　arguing
the　matter　with　him；　and　only　leaving　him　at　the　door　of　the　house。
Grosse's　statement；　on　the　other　hand；　makes　no　allusion　to　this。　The
disagreement　between　them　is；　however；　of　no　consequence　here。　It　is
admitted；　on　either　side；　that　the　result　of　the　interview　was　the　same。
When　Grosse　took　the　train　for　London；　Nugent　Dubourg　was　not　at　the
station。　The　next　entry　in　the　Journal　shows　that　he　remained　that　day
and　night；　at　least；　at　Ramsgate。

You　now　know；　from　the　narrative　of　the　surgeon's　own　proceedings；　how
seriously　he　thought　of　his　patient's　case；　and　how　firmly　he　did　his
duty　as　a　professional　man。　Having　given　you　this　necessary　information；
I　again　retire；　and　leave　Lucilla　to　take　up　the　next　link　in　the　chain
of　events。P。＇

_September_　5th。　_Six　o'clock　in　the　morning。_A　few　hours　of　restless；
broken　sleepdisturbed　by　horrid　dreams；　and　waking　over　and　over　again
with　startings　that　seemed　to　shake　me　from　head　to　foot。　I　can　bear　it
no　longer。　The　sun　is　rising。　I　have　got　upand　here　I　am　at　the
writing…table；　trying　to　finish　the　long　story　of　yesterday　still
uncompleted　in　my　Journal。

I　have　just　been　looking　at　the　view　from　my　windowand　I　notice　one
thing　which　has　struck　me。　The　mist　this　morning　is　the　thickest　mist　I
have　yet　seen　here。

The　sea…view　is　almost　invisible；　it　is　so　dim　and　dull。　Even　the　objects
about　me　in　my　room　are　nothing　like　so　plain　as　usual。　The　mist　is
stealing　in　no　doubt　through　my　open　window。　It　gets　between　me　and　my
paper；　and　obliges