poor miss finch-第86章

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＇Note。That　innocent　letter　did　its　fatal　mischief。　It　ended　the
struggle　against　himself　which　had　kept　Nugent　Dubourg　in　Paris。　On　the
morning　when　he　received　it；　he　started　for　England。　Here　is　the　entry　in
Lucilla's　journal。P。＇

_August_　31st。A　telegram　for　me　at　breakfast…time。　I　am　too　happy　to
keep　my　hand　steadyI　am　writing　horribly。　It　doesn't　matter：　nothing
matters　but　my　telegram。　（Oh；　what　a　noble　creature　the　man　was　who
invented　telegrams！）　Oscar　is　on　his　way　to　Ramsgate！


CHAPTER　THE　FORTY…THIRD

Lucilla's　Journal；　continued

_September_　1st。

I　AM　composed　enough　to　return　to　my　Journal；　and　to　let　my　mind　dwell　a
little　on　all　that　I　have　thought　and　felt　since　Oscar　has　been　here。

Now　that　I　have　lost　Madame　Pratolungo；　I　have　no　friend　with　whom　I　can
talk　over　my　little　secrets。　My　aunt　is　all　that　is　kind　and　good　to　me；
but　with　a　person　so　much　older　than　I　amwho　has　lived　in　such　a
different　world　from　my　world；　and　whose　ideas　seem　to　be　so　far　away
from　minehow　can　I　talk　about　my　follies　and　extravagances；　and　expect
sympathy　in　return！　My　one　confidential　friend　is　my　JournalI　can　only
talk　about　myself　to　myself；　in　these　pages。　My　position　feels　sometimes
like　a　very　lonely　one。　I　saw　two　girls　telling　all　their　secrets　to　each
other　on　the　sands　to…dayand　I　am　afraid　I　envied　them。

Well；　my　dear　Journal；　how　did　I　feelafter　longing　for　Oscarwhen
Oscar　came　to　me？　It　is　dreadful　to　own　it；　but　my　book　locks　up；　and　my
book　can　be　trusted　with　the　truth。　I　felt　ready　to　cryI　was　so
unexpectedly；　so　horribly；　disappointed。

No。　〃Disappointed〃　is　not　the　word。　I　can't　find　the　word。　There　was　a
momentI　hardly　dare　write　it：　it　seems　so　atrociously　wickedthere　was
a　moment　when　I　actually　wished　myself　blind　again。

He　took　me　in　his　arms；　he　held　my　hand　in　his。　In　the　time　when　I　was
blind；　how　I　should　have　felt　it！　how　the　delicious　_tingle_　would　have
run　through　me　when　he　touched　me！　Nothing　of　the　kind　happened　now。　He
might　have　been　Oscar's　brother　for　all　the　effect　he　produced　on　me。　I
have　myself　taken　his　hand　since；　and　shut　my　eyes　to　try　and　renew　my
blindness；　and　put　myself　back　completely　as　I　was　in　the　old　time。　The
same　result　still。　Nothing；　nothing；　nothing！

Is　it　that　he　is　a　little　restrained　with　me　on　his　side？　He　certainly
is！　I　felt　it　the　moment　he　came　into　the　roomI　have　felt　it　ever
since。

No：　it　is　not　that。　In　the　old　time；　when　we　were　only　beginning　to　love
each　other；　he　was　restrained　with　me。　But　it　made　no　difference　then。　I
was　not　the　insensible　creature　in　those　days　that　I　have　become　since。

I　can　only　account　for　it　in　one　way。　The　restoration　of　my　sight　has
made　a　new　creature　of　me。　I　have　gained　a　senseI　am　no　longer　the　same
woman。　This　great　change　must　have　had　some　influence　over　me　that　I
never　suspected　until　Oscar　came　here。　Can　the　loss　of　my　sense　of
feeling　be　the　price　that　I　have　paid　for　the　recovery　of　my　sense　of
sight？

When　Grosse　comes　next；　I　shall　put　that　question　to　him。

In　the　meanwhile；　I　have　had　a　second　disappointment。　He　is　not　nearly　so
beautiful　as　I　thought　he　was　when　I　was　blind。

On　the　day　when　my　bandage　was　taken　off　for　the　first　time；　I　could　only
see　indistinctly。　When　I　ran　into　the　room　at　the　rectory；　I　guessed　it
was　Oscar　rather　than　knew　it　was　Oscar。　My　father's　grey　head；　and　Mrs。
Finch's　woman's　dress；　would　no　doubt　have　helped　anybody　in　my　place　to
fix　as　I　did　on　the　right　man。　But　this　is　all　different　now。　I　can　see
his　features　in　detailand　the　result　is　（though　I　won't　own　it　to　any
of　them）　that　I　find　my　idea　of　him　in　the　days　of　my　blindnessoh；　so
unlike　the　reality！　The　one　thing　that　is　not　a　disappointment　to　me；　is
his　voice。　When　he　cannot　see　me；　I　close　my　eyes；　and　let　my　ears　feel
the　old　charm　againso　far。

And　this　is　what　I　have　gained；　by　submitting　to　the　operation；　and
enduring　my　imprisonment　in　the　darkened　room！

What　am　I　writing？　I　ought　to　be　ashamed　of　myself！　Is　it　nothing　to　have
had　all　the　beauty　of　land　and　sea；　all　the　glory　of　cloud　and　sunshine；
revealed　to　me？　Is　it　nothing　to　be　able　to　look　at　my
fellow…creaturesto　see　the　bright　faces　of　children　smile　at　me　when　I
speak　to　them？　Enough　of　myself！　I　am　unhappy　and　ungrateful　when　I　think
of　myself。

Let　me　write　about　Oscar。

My　aunt　approves　of　him。　She　thinks　him　handsome；　and　says　he　has　the
manners　of　a　gentleman。　This　last　is　high　praise　from　Miss　Batchford。　She
despises　the　present　generation　of　young　men。　〃In　my　time；〃　she　said　the
other　day；　〃I　used　to　see　young　gentlemen。　I　only　see　young　animals　now；
well…fed；　well…washed；　well…dressed；　riding　animals；　rowing　animals；
betting　animalsnothing　more。〃

Oscar；　on　his　side；　seems　to　like　Miss　Batchford　on　better　acquaintance。
When　I　first　presented　him　to　her；　he　rather　surprised　me　by　changing
color　and　looking　very　uneasy。　He　is　almost　distressingly　nervous；　on
certain　occasions。　I　suppose　my　aunt's　grand　manner　daunted　him。

＇Note。I　really　must　break　in　here。　Her　aunt's　〃grand　manner〃　makes　me
sick。　It　is　nothing　（between　ourselves）　but　a　hook…nose　and　a　stiff　pair
of　stays。　What　daunted　Nugent　Dubourg；　when　he　first　found　himself　in　the
old　lady's　presence；　was　the　fear　of　discovery。　He　would　no　doubt　have
learnt　from　his　brother　that　Oscar　and　Miss　Batchford　had　never　met。　You
will　see；　if　you　look　back；　that　it　was；　in　the　nature　of　things；
impossible　they　should　have　met。　But　is　it　equally　clear　that　Nugent
could　find　out　beforehand　that　Miss　Batchford　had　been　left　in　ignorance
of　what　had　happened　at　Dimchurch？　He　could　do　nothing　of　the　sorthe
could　feel　no　assurance　of　his　security　from　exposure；　until　he　had　tried
the　ground　in　his　own　proper　person　first。　The　risk　here　was　certainly
serious　enough　to　make　even　Nugent　Dubourg　feel　uneasy。　And　Lucilla　talks
of　her　aunt's　〃grand　manner！〃　Poor　innocent！　I　leave　her　to　go　on。P。＇

As　soon　as　my　aunt　left　us　together；　the　first　words　I　said　to　Oscar；
referred　（of　course）　to　his　letter　about　Madame　Pratolungo。

He　made　a　little　sign　of　entreaty；　and　looked　distressed。

〃Why　should　we　spoil　the　pleasure　of　our　first　meeting　by　talking　of
her？〃　he　said。　〃It　is　so　inexpressibly　painful　to　you　and　to　me。　Let　us
return　to　it　in　a　day　or　two。　Not　now；　Lucillanot　now！〃

His　brother　was　the　next　subject　in　my　mind。　I　was　not　at　all　sure　how　he
would　take　my　speaking　about　it。　I　risked　a　question　however；　for　all
that。　He　made　another　sign　of　entreaty；　and　looked　distressed　again。

〃My　brother　and　I　understand　each　other；　Lucilla。　He　will　remain　abroad
for　the　present。　Shall　we　drop　that　subject；　too？　Let　me　hear　your　own
newsI　want　to　know　what　is　going　on　at　the　rectory。　I　have　heard
nothing　since　you　wrote　me　word　that　you　were　here　with　your　aunt；　and
that　Madame　Pratolungo　had　gone　abroad　to　her　father。　Is　Mr。　Finch　well？
Is　he　coming　to　Ramsgate　to　see　you？〃

I　was　unwilling　to　tell　him　of　the　misunderstanding　at　home。　〃I　have　not
heard　from　my　father　since　I　have　been　here；〃　I　said。　〃Now　you　have　come
back；　I　can　write　and　announce　your　return；　and　get　all　the　news　from　the
rectory。〃

He　looked　at　me　rather　strangelyin　a　way　which　led　me　to　fear　that　he
saw　some　objection　to　my　writing　to　my　father。

〃I　suppose　you　would　like　Mr。　Finch　to　come　here？〃　he　saidand　then
stopped　suddenly；　and　looked　at　me　again。

〃There　is　very　little　chance　of　his　coming　here；〃　I　answered。

Oscar　seemed　to　be　wonderfully　interested　about　my　father。　〃Very　little
chance！〃　he　repeated。　〃Why？〃

I　was　obliged　to　refer　to　the　family　quarrelstill；　however；　saying
nothing　of　the　unjust　manner　in　which　my　father　had　spoken　of　my　aunt。

〃As　long　as　I　am　with　Miss　Batchford；〃　I　said；　〃it　is　useless　to　hope
that　my　father　will　come　here。　They　are　on　bad　terms；　and　I　am　afraid
there　is　no　prospect；　at　present；　of　their　being　friends　again。　Do　you
object　to　my　writing　home　to　say　you　have　come　to　Ramsgate？〃　I　asked。

〃I？〃　he　exclaimed；　looking　the　picture　of　astonishment。　〃What　could
possibly　make　you　think　that？　Write　by　all　meansand　leave　a　little
space　for　me。　I　will　ad