poor miss finch-第80章

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reaching　her　ears）　I　could　rely　on　myself　to　protect　her　from　harm　in　the
present；　and　to　preserve　her　for　Oscar　in　the　future。　With　all　my　heart　I
agreed　to　the　arrangements　as　Grosse　proposed　them。　When　we　parted　in　the
garden；　he　went　round　to　the　rector's　side　of　the　house　to　announce　（in
his　medical　capacity）　the　decision　at　which　he　had　arrivedwhile　I；　on
my　side；　went　back　to　Lucilla　to　make　the　best　excuses　that　I　could
invent　for　Oscar；　and　to　prepare　her　for　our　speedy　removal　from
Dimchurch。



〃Gone；　without　coming　to　say　good…bye！　Gone；　without　even　writing　to　me！〃

There　was　the　first　impression　I　produced　on　her；　when　I　had　done　my　best
to　account　harmlessly　for　Oscar's　absence。　I　had；　as　I　thought；　taken　the
shortest　and　simplest　way　out　of　the　difficulty；　by　merely　inverting　the
truth。　In　other　words；　by　telling　her　that　Nugent　had　got　into　some
serious　embarrassment　abroad；　and　that　Oscar　had　been　called　away　at　a
moment's　notice；　to　follow　him　and　help　him。　It　was　in　vain　that　I
reminded　her　of　Oscar's　well…known　horror　of　leave…takings　of　all　kinds；
in　vain　that　I　represented　the　urgency　of　the　matter　as　leaving　him　no
alternative　but　to　confide　his　excuses　and　his　farewells　to　me；　in　vain
that　I　promised　for　him　that　he　would　write　to　her　at　the　first
opportunity。　She　listened；　without　conviction。　The　more　perseveringly　I
tried　to　account　for　it；　the　more　perseveringly　she　dwelt　on　Oscar's
unaccountable　disregard　of　her　claims　on　his　consideration　for　her。　As
for　our　journey　to　Ramsgate；　it　was　impossible　to　interest　her　in　the
subject。　I　gave　it　up　in　despair。

〃Surely　Oscar　has　left　some　address　at　which　I　can　write　to　him？〃　she
said。

I　could　only　answer　that　he　was　not　sure　enough　of　his　movements　to　be
able　to　do　that　before　he　went　away。

〃It　is　more　provoking　than　you　think；〃　she　went　on。　〃I　believe　Oscar　is
afraid　to　bring　his　unfortunate　brother　into　my　presence。　The　blue　face
startled　me　when　I　saw　it；　I　know。　But　I　have　quite　got　over　that。　I　feel
none　of　the　absurd　terror　of　the　poor　man　which　I　felt　when　I　was　blind。
Now　that　I　have　seen　for　myself　what　he　is　really　like；　I　can　feel　for
him。　I　wanted　to　tell　Oscar　thisI　wanted　to　say　that　he　might　bring　his
brother　to　live　with　us　if　he　likedI　wanted　to　prevent　（just　what　has
happened；）　his　going　away　from　_me_　when　he　wishes　to　see　his　brother。
You　are　using　me　very　hardly　among　you；　and　I　have　some　reason　to
complain　of　it。〃

While　she　was　talking　in　this　mortifying　manner；　I　felt　some　consolation
nevertheless。　Oscar's　disfigured　complexion　would　not　be　the　terrible
obstacle　in　the　way　of　his　restoration　to　Lucilla　that　I　had　feared。　All
the　comfort　which　this　reflection　could　give；　I　wanted　badly　enough。
There　was　no　open　hostility　towards　me　on　Lucilla's　partbut　there　was　a
coolness　which　I　found　more　distressing　to　bear　than　hostility　itself。　I
breakfasted　in　bed　the　next　morning；　and　only　rose　towards　noonjust　in
time　to　say　good…bye　to　Grosse　before　he　returned　to　London。

He　was　in　high　good　spirits　about　his　patient。　Her　eyes　were　the　better
instead　of　the　worse　for　the　exertion　to　which　he　had　subjected　them　on
the　previous　day。　The　bracing　air　of　Ramsgate　was　all　that　was　wanting　to
complete　the　success　of　the　operation。　Mr。　Finch　had　started　objections；
all　turning　on　the　question　of　expense。　But　with　a　daughter　who　was　her
own　mistress；　and　who　had　her　own　fortune；　his　objections　mattered
nothing。　By　the　next　day；　or　the　day　after　at　latest；　we　were　to　start
for　Ramsgate。　I　promised　to　write　to　our　good　surgeon　as　soon　as　we　were
established；　and　he　engaged　on　his　side；　to　visit　us　immediately　after。
〃Let　her　use　her　eyes　for　two　goot　hours　every　day；〃　said　Grosse；　at
parting。　〃She　may　do　what　she　likes　with　themexcept　that　she　must　not
peep　into　books；　or　take　up　pens；　till　I　come　to　you　at　Ramsgate。　It　is
most　wonderful…beautiful　to　see　how　those　new　eyes　of　hers　do　get　along。
When　I　next　meet　goot　Mr。　Sebrightshey！　how　I　shall　cock…crow　over　that
spick…span　respectable　man！〃

I　felt　a　little　nervous　as　to　how　the　day　would　passwhen　the　German
left　me　alone　with　Lucilla。

To　my　amazement；　she　not　only　met　me　with　the　needful　excuses　for　her
behavior　on　the　previous　day；　but　showed　herself　to　be　perfectly　resigned
to　the　temporary　loss　of　Oscar's　society。　It　was　she　（not　I）　who　remarked
that　he　could　not　have　chosen　a　better　time　for　being　away　from　her；　than
the　humiliating　time　when　she　was　learning　to　distinguish　between　round
and　square。　It　was　she　（not　I）　who　welcomed　the　little　journey　to
Ramsgate　as　a　pleasant　change　in　her　dull　life；　which　would　help　to
reconcile　her　to　Oscar's　absence。　In　brief；　if　she　had　actually　received
a　letter　from　Oscar；　relieving　her　of　all　anxiety　about　him；　her　words
and　looks　could　hardly　have　offered　a　completer　contrast　than　they　now
showed　to　her　words　and　looks　of　the　previous　day。


If　I　had　noticed　no　other　alteration　in　her　than　this　welcome　change　for
the　better；　my　record　of　the　day　would　have　ended　here；　as　the　record　of
unmixed　happiness。

But；　I　grieve　to　say；　I　have　something　unpleasant　to　add。　While　she　was
making　her　excuses　to　me；　and　speaking　in　the　sensible　and　satisfactory
terms　which　I　have　just　repeated；　I　noticed　a　curious　underlying
embarrassment　in　her　manner；　entirely　unlike　any　previous　embarrassment
which　had　ever　intruded　itself　between　us。　And；　stranger　still；　on　the
first　occasion　when　Zillah　came　into　the　room；　while　I　was　in　it；　I
observed　that　Lucilla's　embarrassment　was　reflected　（when　the　old　woman
spoke　to　me）　in　the　face　and　manner　of　Lucilla's　nurse。

But　one　conclusion　could　possibly　follow　from　what　I　saw：they　were　both
concealing　something　from　me；　and　they　were　both　more　or　less　ashamed　of
what　they　were　doing。

Somewherenot　very　far　back　in　these　pagesI　have　said　of　myself　that　I
am　not　by　nature　a　woman　who　is　easily　ready　to　suspect　others。　On　this
very　account；　when　I　find　suspicion　absolutely　forced　on　meas　it　was
nowI　am　apt　to　fly　into　the　opposite　extreme。　In　the　present　case；　I
fixed　on　the　person　to　suspectall　the　more　readily　from　having　been
slow　to　suspect　him　in　bygone　days。　〃In　some　way　or　other；〃　I　said　to
myself；　〃Nugent　Dubourg　is　at　the　bottom　of　this。〃

Was　he　communicating　with　her　privately；　in　the　name　and　in　the　character
of　Oscar？

The　bare　idea　of　it　hurried　me　headlong　into　letting　her　know　that　I　had
noticed　the　change　in　her。

〃Lucilla！〃　I　said。　〃Has　anything　happened？〃

〃What　do　you　mean？〃　she　asked　coldly。

〃I　fancy　I　see　some　change〃　I　began。

〃I　don't　understand　you；〃　she　answered；　walking　away　from　me　as　she
spoke。

I　said　no　more。　If　our　intimacy　had　been　less　close　and　less
affectionate；　I　might　have　openly　avowed　to　her　what　was　passing　in　my
mind。　But　how　could　I　say　to　Lucilla；　You　are　deceiving　me？　It　would　have
been　the　end　of　our　sisterhoodthe　end　of　our　friendship。　When
confidence　is　withdrawn　between　two　people　who　love　each
othereverything　is　withdrawn。　They　are　on　the　footing　of　strangers　from
that　moment；　and　must　stand　on　ceremony。　Delicate　minds　will　understand
why　I　accepted　the　check　she　had　administered　to　me；　and　said　no　more。

I　went　into　the　village　alone。　Managing　matters　so　as　to　excite　no
surprise；　I　contrived　to　have　a　little　gossip　about　Nugent　with
Gootheridge　at　the　inn；　and　with　the　servant　at　Browndown。　If　Nugent　had
returned　secretly　to　Dimchurch；　one　of　those　two　men；　in　our　little
village；　must　almost　certainly　have　seen　him。　Neither　of　them　had　seen
him。

I　inferred　from　this　that　he　had　not　tried　to　communicate　with　her
personally。　Had　he　attempted　it　（more　cunningly　and　more　safely）　by
letter？

I　went　back　to　the　rectory。　It　was　close　on　the　hour　which　I　had
appointed　with　Lucillanow　that　the　responsibility　rested　on　my
shouldersfor　allowing　her　to　use　her　eyes。　On　taking　off　the　bandage；　I
noticed　a　circumstance　which　confirmed　the　conclusion　at　which　I　had
already　arrived。　Her　eyes　deliberately　avoided　looking　into　mine。
Suppressing　as　well　as　I　could　the　pain　which　this　new　discovery　caused
me；　I　repeated　Grosse's　words；　prohibiting　her　f