poor miss finch-第75章

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see。Madame　Pratolungo；　the　day　when　we　had　that　private　talk　of　ours　in
the　rectory　summer…house；　marks　a　memorable　date　in　my　calendar。　My　last
honest　struggle　to　be　true　to　my　poor　Oscar　ended　with　that　day。　The
efforts　I　have　made　since　then　have　been　little　better　than　mere
outbreaks　of　despair。　They　have　done　nothing　to　help　me　against　the
passion　that　has　become　the　one　feeling　and　the　one　misery　of　my　life。
Don't　talk　of　resistance。　All　resistance　stops　at　a　certain　point。　Since
the　time　I　have　told　you　of；　_my_　resistance　has　reached　its　limits。　You
have　heard　how　I　struggled　against　temptation；　as　long　as　I　could　resist
it。　I　have　only　to　tell　you　how　I　have　yielded　to　it　now。〃

The　reckless；　shameless　composure　with　which　he　said　that；　began　to　set
me　against　him　once　more。　The　perpetual　shifts　and　contradictions　in　him；
bewildered　and　irritated　me。　Quicksilver　itself　seemed　to　be　less
slippery　to　lay　hold　of　than　this　man。

〃Do　you　remember　the　day；〃　he　asked；　〃when　Lucilla　lost　her　temper；　and
received　you　so　rudely　at　your　visit　to　Browndown？〃

I　made　a　sign　in　the　affirmative。

〃You　spoke；　a　little　while　since；　of　my　personating　Oscar　to　her。　I
personated　him；　on　the　occasion　I　have　just　mentioned；　for　the　first
time。　You　were　present　and　heard　me。　Did　you　care　to　speculate　on　the
motives　which　made　me　impose　myself　on　her　as　my　brother？〃

〃As　well　as　I　can　remember；〃　I　answered；　〃I　made　the　first　guess　that
occurred　to　me。　I　thought　you　were　indulging　in　a　moment's　mischievous
amusement　at　Lucilla's　expense。

〃I　was　indulging　the　passion　that　consumed　me！　I　longed　to　feel　the
luxury　of　her　touching　me　and　being　familiar　with　me；　under　the
impression　that　I　was　Oscar。　Worse　even　than　that；　I　wanted　to　try　how
completely　I　could　impose　on　herhow　easily　I　might　marry　her；　if　I
could　only　deceive　you　all；　and　take　her　away　somewhere　by　herself。　The
devil　was　in　possession　of　me。　I　don't　know　how　it　might　have　ended；　if
Oscar　had　not　come　in；　and　if　Lucilla　had　not　burst　out　as　she　did。　She
distressed　meshe　frightened　meshe　gave　me　back　again　to　my　better
self。　I　rushed；　without　stopping　to　prepare　her；　into　the　question　of　her
restoration　to　sightas　the　only　way　of　diverting　her　mind　from　the　vile
advantage　that　I　had　taken　of　her　blindness。　That　night；　Madame
Pratolungo；　I　suffered　pangs　of　self…reproach　and　remorse　which　would
even　have　satisfied　_you。_　At　the　very　next　opportunity　that　offered；　I
made　my　atonement　to　Oscar。　I　supported　his　interests；　I　even　put　the
words　he　was　to　say　to　Lucilla　into　his　lips

〃When？〃　I　broke　in。　〃Where？　How？〃

〃When　the　two　surgeons　had　left　us。　In　Lucilla's　sitting…room。　In　the
heat　of　the　discussion　whether　she　should　submit　to　the　operation　at
onceor　whether　she　should　marry　Oscar　first；　and　let　Grosse　try　his
experiment　on　her　eyes　at　a　later　time。　If　you　recall　our　conversation；
you　will　remember　that　I　did　all　I　could　to　persuade　Lucilla　to　marry　my
brother　before　Grosse　tried　his　experiment　on　her　sight。　Quite　useless！
You　threw　all　the　weight　of　your　influence　into　the　opposite　side　of　the
scale。　I　failed。　It　made　no　difference。　I　had　done　what　I　had　done　in
sheer　despair：　mere　impulseit　didn't　last。　When　the　next　temptation
tried　me；　I　behaved　like　a　scoundrelas　you　say。〃

〃I　have　said　nothing；〃　I　answered　shortly。

〃Very　wellas　you　_think；_　then。　Did　you　suspect　me　at　lastwhen　we　met
in　the　village；　yesterday？　Surely；　even　your　eyes　must　have　seen　through
me　on　that　occasion！〃

I　answered　silently；　by　an　inclination　of　my　head。　I　had　no　wish　to　drift
into　another　quarrel。　Sorely　as　he　was　presuming　on　my　endurance；　I
tried；　in　Lucilla's　interests；　to　keep　on　friendly　terms　with　him。

〃You　concealed　it　wonderfully　well；〃　he　went　on；　〃when　I　tried　to　find
out　whether　you　had；　or　had　not　discovered　me。　You　virtuous　people　are
not　bad　hands　at　deception；　when　it　suits　your　interests　to　deceive。　I
needn't　tell　you　what　my　temptation　was　yesterday。　The　first　look　of　her
eyes　when　they　opened　on　the　world；　the　first　light　of　love　and　joy
breaking　on　her　heavenly　facewhat　madness　to　expect　me　to　let　that　look
fall　on　another　man；　that　light　show　itself　to　other　eyes！　No　living
being；　adoring　her　as　I　adored　her；　would　have　acted　otherwise　than　I
did。　I　could　have　fallen　down　on　my　knees　and　worshipped　Grosse；　when　he
innocently　proposed　to　me　to　take　the　very　place　in　the　room　which　I　was
determined　to　occupy。　You　saw　what　I　had　in　my　mind！　You　did　your
bestand　did　it　admirablyto　defeat　me。　Oh；　you　pattern　peopleyou　can
be　as　shifty　with　your　resources；　when　a　cunning　trick　is　to　be　played；
as　the　worst　of　us！　You　saw　how　it　ended。　Fortune　stood　my　friend　at　the
eleventh　hour；　fortune　can　shine；　like　the　sun；　on　the　just　and　the
unjust！　_I_　had　the　first　look　of　her　eyes！　_I_　felt　the　first　light　of
love　and　joy　in　her　face　falling　on　_me！　I_　have　had　her　arms　round　me；
and　her　bosom　on　mine〃

I　could　endure　it　no　longer。

〃Open　the　door！〃　I　said。　〃I　am　ashamed　to　be　in　the　same　room　with　you！〃

〃I　don't　wonder　at　it；〃　he　answered。　〃You　may　well　be　ashamed　of　me。　I　am
ashamed　of　myself。〃

There　was　nothing　cynical　in　his　tone；　nothing　insolent　in　his　manner。
The　same　man　who　had　just　gloried　in　that　abominable　way；　in　his　victory
over　innocence　and　misfortune；　now　spoke　and　looked　like　a　man　who　was
honestly　ashamed　of　himself。　If　I　could　only　have　felt　convinced　that　he
was　mocking　me；　or　playing　the　hypocrite　with　me；　I　should　have　known
what　to　do。　But　I　say　againimpossible　as　it　seemshe　was；　beyond　all
doubt；　genuinely　penitent　for　what　he　had　said；　the　instant　after　he　had
said　it！　With　all　my　experience　of　humanity；　and　all　my　practice　in
dealing　with　strange　characters；　I　stopped　mid…way　between　Nugent　and　the
locked　door；　thoroughly　puzzled。

〃Do　you　believe　me？〃　he　asked。

〃I　don't　understand　you；〃　I　answered。

He　took　the　key　of　the　door　out　of　his　pocket；　and　put　it　on　the
tableclose　to　the　chair　from　which　I　had　just　risen。

〃I　lose　my　head　when　I　talk　of　her；　or　think　of　her；〃　he　went　on。　〃I
would　give　everything　I　possess　not　to　have　said　what　I　said　just　now。　No
language　you　can　use　is　too　strong　to　condemn　it。　The　words　burst　out　of
me：　if　Lucilla　herself　had　been　present；　I　couldn't　have　controlled　them。
Go；　if　you　like。　I　have　no　right　to　keep　you　here；　after　behaving　as　I
have　done。　There　is　the　key；　at　your　service。　Only　think　first；　before
you　leave　me。　You　had　something　to　propose　when　you　came　in。　You　might
influence　meyou　might　shame　me　into　behaving　like　an　honorable　man。　Do
as　you　please。　It　rests　with　you。〃

Which　was　I；　a　good　Christian？　or　a　contemptible　fool？　I　went　back　once
more　to　my　chair；　and　determined　to　give　him　a　last　chance。

〃That's　kind；〃　he　said。　〃You　encourage　me；　you　show　me　that　I　am　worth
trying　again。　I　had　a　generous　impulse　in　this　room；　yesterday。　It　might
have　been　something　better　than　an　impulseif　I　had　not　had　another
temptation　set　straight　in　my　way。〃

〃What　temptation？〃　I　asked。

〃Oscar's　letter　has　told　you：　Oscar　himself　put　the　temptation　in　my　way。
You　must　have　seen　it。〃

〃I　saw　nothing　of　the　sort。〃

〃Doesn't　he　tell　you　that　I　offered　to　leave　Dimchurch　for　ever？　I　meant
it。　I　saw　the　misery　in　the　poor　fellow's　face；　when　Grosse　and　I　were
leading　Lucilla　out　of　the　room。　With　my　whole　heart；　I　meant　it。　If　he
had　taken　my　hand；　and　had　said　Good…bye；　I　should　have　gone。　He　wouldn't
take　my　hand。　He　insisted　on　thinking　it　over　by　himself。　He　came　back；
resolved　to　make　the　sacrifice；　on　his　side〃

〃Why　did　you　accept　the　sacrifice？〃

〃Because　he　tempted　me。〃

〃Tempted　you？〃

〃Yes！　What　else　can　you　call　itwhen　he　offered　to　leave　me　free　to
plead　my　own　cause　with　Lucilla？　What　else　can　you　call　itwhen　he
showed　me　a　future　life；　which　was　a　life　with　Lucilla？　Poor；　dear；
generous　fellow；　he　tempted　me　to　stay　when　he　ought　to　have　encouraged
me　to　go。　How　could　I　resist　him？　Blame　the　passion　that　has　got　me　body
and　soul：　don't　blame　_me！_〃

I　looked　at　the　book　on　the　tablethe　book　that　he　had　been　reading　when
I　entered　the　room。　These　sophistical　confidences