poor miss finch-第57章

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time　will　have　gone　by　for　ever。　He　has　told　us　in　the　plainest
termswhen　once　the　operation　is　performed；　nothing　must　be　said　to
agitate　or　distress　her；　for　months　afterwards。　The　preservation　of　her
tranquillity　is　the　condition　of　the　recovery　of　her　sight。　You　will　soon
have　an　excuse　for　your　silence；　Mr。　Oscar　Dubourg！〃

The　tone　in　which　I　said　those　last　words　stung　him　to　some　purpose。

〃Spare　your　sneers；　you　heartless　Frenchwoman！〃　he　broke　out　angrily。　〃I
don't　care　how　I　stand　in　_your_　estimation。　Lucilla　loves　me。　Nugent
feels　for　me。〃

My　vile　temper　instantly　hit　on　the　most　merciless　answer　that　I　could
make　to　him　in　return。

〃Ah；　poor　Lucilla！〃　I　said。　〃What　a　much　happier　prospect　hers　might　have
been！　What　a　thousand　pities　it　is　that　she　is　not　going　to　marry　your
brother；　instead　of　marrying　_you！_〃

He　winced　under　that　reply；　as　if　I　had　cut　him　with　a　knife。　His　head
dropped　on　his　breast。　He　started　back　from　me　like　a　beaten　dogand
suddenly　and　silently　left　the　room。

I　had　not　been　a　minute　by　myself；　before　my　anger　cooled。　I　tried　to
keep　it　hot；　I　tried　to　remember　that　he　had　aspersed　my　nation　in
calling　me　a　〃heartless　Frenchwoman。〃　No！　it　was　not　to　be　done。　In　spite
of　myself；　I　repented　what　I　had　said　to　him。

In　a　moment　more；　I　was　out　on　the　stairs　to　try　if　I　could　overtake　him。

I　was　too　late。　I　heard　the　garden…gate　bang；　before　I　was　out　of　the
house。　Twice　I　approached　the　gate　to　follow　him。　And　twice　I　drew　back；
in　the　fear　of　making　bad　worse。　It　ended　in　my　returning　to　the
sitting…room；　very　seriously　dissatisfied　with　myself。

The　first　welcome　interruption　to　my　solitude　camenot　from　Lucillabut
from　the　old　nurse。　Zillah　appeared　with　a　letter　for　me：　left　that
moment　at　the　rectory　by　the　servant　from　Browndown。　The　direction　was　in
Oscar's　handwriting。　I　opened　the　envelope；　and　read　these　words：

〃MADAME　PRATOLUNGO；YOU　have　distressed　and　pained　me　more　than　I　can
say。　There　are　faults；　and　serious　ones；　on　my　side；　I　know。　I　heartily
beg　your　pardon　for　anything　that　I　may　have　said　or　done　to　offend　you。
I　cannot　submit　to　your　hard　verdict　on　me。　If　you　knew　how　I　adore
Lucilla；　you　would　make　allowances　for　meyou　would　understand　me　better
than　you　do。　I　cannot　get　your　last　cruel　words　out　of　my　ears。　I　cannot
meet　you　again　without　some　explanation　of　them。　You　stabbed　me　to　the
heart；　when　you　said　to　me　this　evening　that　it　would　be　a　happier
prospect　for　Lucilla　if　she　had　been　going　to　marry　my　brother　instead　of
marrying　me。　I　hope　you　did　not　really　mean　that？　Will　you　please　write
and　tell　me　whether　you　did　or　not？

〃OSCAR。〃

Write　and　tell　him？　It　was　absurd　enoughwhen　we　were　within　a　few
minutes'　walk　of　each　otherthat　Oscar　should　prefer　the　cold　formality
of　a　letter；　to　the　friendly　ease　of　a　personal　interview。　Why　could　he
not　have　called；　and　spoken　to　me？　We　should　have　made　it　up　together　far
more　comfortably　in　that　wayand　in　half　the　time。　At　any　rate；　I
determined　to　go　to　Browndown；　and　be　good　friends　again；　viva^…voce；
with　this　poor；　weak；　well…meaning；　ill…judging　boy。　Was　it　not　monstrous
to　have　attached　serious　meaning　to　what　Oscar　had　said　when　he　was　in　a
panic　of　nervous　terror！　His　tone　of　writing　so　keenly　distressed　me　that
I　resented　his　letter　on　that　very　account。　It　was　one　of　the　chilly
evenings　of　an　English　June。　A　small　fire　was　burning　in　the　grate。　I
crumpled　up　the　letter；　and　threw　it；　as　I　supposed；　into　the　fire。
（After…events　showed　that　I　only　threw　it　into　a　corner　of　the　fender
instead。）　Then；　I　put　on　my　hat；　without　stopping　to　think　of　Lucilla；　or
of　what　she　was　writing　for　the　post；　and　ran　off　to　Browndown。

Where　do　you　think　I　found　him？　Locked　up　in　his　own　room！　His　insane
shynessit　was　really　nothing　lessmade　him　shrink　from　that　very
personal　explanation　which　（with　such　a　temperament　as　mine）　was　the　only
possible　explanation　under　the　circumstances。　I　had　to　threaten　him　with
forcing　his　door；　before　I　could　get　him　to　show　himself；　and　take　my
hand。

Once　face　to　face　with　him；　I　soon　set　things　right。　I　really　believe　he
had　been　half　mad　with　his　own　self…imposed　troubles；　when　he　had
declared　he　would　give　me　the　lie　at　the　door　of　Lucilla's　room。

It　is　needless　to　dwell　on　what　took　place　between　us。　I　shall　only　say
here　that　I　had　serious　reason；　at　a　later　timeas　you　will　soon　seeto
regret　not　having　humoured　Oscar's　request　that　I　should　reconcile　myself
to　him　by　writing；　instead　of　by　word　of　mouth。　If　I　had　only　placed　on
record；　in　pen　and　ink；　what　I　actually　said　in　the　way　of　making
atonement　to　him；　I　might　have　spared　some　suffering　to　myself　and　to
others。　As　it　was；　the　only　proof　that　I　had　absolved　myself　in　his
estimation　consisted　in　his　cordially　shaking　hands　with　me　at　the　door；
when　I　left　him。

〃Did　you　meet　Nugent？〃　he　asked；　as　he　walked　with　me　across　the
enclosure　in　front　of　the　house。

I　had　gone　to　Browndown　by　a　short　cut　at　the　back　of　the　garden；　instead
of　going　through　the　village。　Having　mentioned　this；　I　asked　if　Nugent
had　returned　to　the　rectory。

〃He　went　back　to　see　you；〃　said　Oscar。

〃Why？〃

〃Only　his　usual　kindness。　He　takes　your　views　of　things。　He　laughed　when
he　heard　I　had　sent　a　letter　to　you；　and　he　ran　off　（dear　fellow！）　to　see
you　on　my　behalf。　You　must　have　met　him；　if　you　had　come　here　by　the
village。〃

On　getting　back　to　the　rectory；　I　questioned　Zillah。　Nugent；　in　my
absence；　had　run　up　into　the　sitting…room；　had　waited　there　a　few　minutes
alone；　on　the　chance　of　my　return；　had　got　tired　of　waiting；　and　had　gone
away　again。　I　inquired　about　Lucilla　next。　A　few　minutes　after　Nugent　had
gone；　she　had　left　her　room；　and　she　too　had　asked　for　me。　Hearing　that　I
was　not　to　be　found　in　the　house；　she　had　given　Zillah　a　letter　to
postand　had　then　returned　to　her　bed…chamber。

I　happened　to　be　standing　by　the　hearth；　looking　into　the　dying　fire；
while　the　nurse　was　speaking。　Not　a　vestige　of　Oscar's　letter　to　me　（as　I
now　well　remember）　was　to　be　seen。　In　my　position；　the　plain　conclusion
was　that　I　had　really　done　what　I　supposed　myself　to　have　donethat　is
to　say；　thrown　the　letter　into　the　flames。

Entering　Lucilla's　room；　soon　afterwards；　to　make　my　apologies　for　having
forgotten　to　wait　and　take　her　letter　to　the　post；　I　found　her；　weary
enough　after　the　events　of　the　day；　getting　ready　for　bed。

〃I　don't　wonder　at　your　being　tired　of　waiting　for　me；〃　she　said。
〃Writing　is　long；　long　work　for　me。　But　this　was　a　letter　which　I　felt
bound　to　write　myself；　if　I　could。　Can　you　guess　who　I　am　corresponding
with？　It　is　done；　my　dear！　I　have　written　to　Herr　Grosse！〃

〃Already！〃

〃What　is　there　to　wait　for？　What　is　there　left　to　determine　on？　I　have
told　Herr　Grosse　that　our　family　consultation　is　over；　and　that　I　am
entirely　at　his　disposal　for　any　length　of　time　he　may　think　right。　And　I
warn　him；　if　he　attempts　to　put　it　off；　that　he　will　be　only　forcing　on
me　the　inconvenience　of　going　to　him　in　London。　I　have　expressed　that
part　of　my　letter　stronglyI　can　tell　you！　He　will　get　it　to…morrow；　by
the　afternoon　post。　And　the　next　dayif　he　is　a　man　of　his　wordhe　will
be　here。〃

〃Oh；　Lucilla！　not　to　operate　on　your　eyes？〃

〃Yesto　operate　on　my　eyes！〃


CHAPTER　THE　THIRTY…THIRD

The　Day　Between

THE　interval…day　before　the　second　appearance　of　Herr　Grosse；　and　the
experiment　on　Lucilla's　sight　that　was　to　follow　it；　was　marked　by　two
incidents　which　ought　to　be　noticed　in　this　place。

The　first　incident　was　the　arrival；　early　in　the　morning；　of　another
letter　addressed　to　me　privately　by　Oscar　Dubourg。　Like　many　other　shy
people；　he　had　a　perfect　mania；　where　any　embarrassing　circumstances　were
concerned；　for　explaining　himself；　with　difficulty；　by　means　of　his　pen；
in　preference　to　explaining　himself；　with　ease；　by　means　of　his　tongue。

Oscar's　present　communication　informed　me　that　he　had　left　us　for　London
by　the　first　morning　train；　and　that　his　object　in　taking　this　sudden
journey　wasto　state　his　present　position　towards　Lucilla　to　a　gentleman
especially　conversant　with　the　peculiarities