poor miss finch-第45章

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matters　stand　now；　may　be　mischief　that　you　can　never　repair。　It's
useless　to　ask　you　to　alter　your　mind。　I　only　ask　you　to　wait　a　little。
There　is　plenty　of　time　before　the　wedding…day。　Something　may　happen
which　will　spare　you　the　necessity　of　enlightening　Lucilla　with　your　own
lips。〃

〃What　can　happen？〃　I　asked。

〃Lucilla　may　yet　see　him；　as　we　see　him；〃　Nugent　answered。　〃Lucilla's　own
eyes　may　discover　the　truth。〃

〃What！　have　you　not　abandoned　the　mad　notion　of　curing　her　blindness；
yet？〃

〃I　will　abandon　my　notion　when　the　German　surgeon　tells　me　it　is　mad。　Not
before。〃

〃Have　you　said　anything　about　it　to　Oscar？〃

〃Not　a　word。　I　shall　say　nothing　about　it　to　anybody　but　you；　until　the
German　is　safe　on　the　shores　of　England。〃

〃Do　you　expect　him　to　arrive　before　the　marriage？〃

〃Certainly！　He　would　have　left　New　York　with　me；　but　for　one　patient　who
still　required　his　care。　No　new　patients　will　tempt　him　to　stay　in
America。　His　extraordinary　success　has　made　his　fortune。　The　ambition　of
his　life　is　to　see　England：　and　he　can　afford　to　gratify　it。　He　may　be
here　by　the　next　steamer　that　reaches　Liverpool。〃

〃And　when　he　does　come；　you　mean　to　bring　him　to　Dimchurch？〃

〃Yesunless　Lucilla　objects　to　it。〃

〃Suppose　Oscar　objects？　She　is　resigned　to　be　blind　for　life。　If　you
disturb　that　resignation　with　no　useful　result；　you　may　make　an　unhappy
woman　of　her　for　the　rest　of　her　days。　In　your　brother's　place；　I　should
object　to　running　that　risk。〃

〃My　brother　is　doubly　interested　in　running　the　risk。　I　repeat　what　I
have　already　told　you。　The　physical　result　will　not　be　the　only　result；
if　her　sight　can　be　restored。　There　will　be　a　new　mind　put　into　her　as
well　as　a　new　sense。　Oscar　has　everything　to　dread　from　this　morbid　fancy
of　hers　as　long　as　she　is　blind。　Only　let　her　eyes　correct　her
fancyonly　let　her　see　him　as　we　see　him；　and　get　used　to　him；　as　we
have　got　used　to　him；　and　Oscar's　future　with　her　is　safe。　Will　you　leave
things　as　they　are　for　the　present；　on　the　chance　that　the　German　surgeon
may　get　here　before　the　wedding…day？〃

I　consented　to　that；　being　influenced；　in　spite　of　myself；　by　the
remarkable　coincidence　between　what　Nugent　had　just　said　of　Lucilla；　and
what　Lucilla　had　said　to　me　of　herself　earlier　in　the　day。　It　was
impossible　to　deny　that　Nugent's　theory；　wild　as　it　sounded；　found　its
confirmation；　so　far；　in　Lucilla's　view　of　her　own　case。　Having　settled
the　difference　between　us　in　this　way；　for　the　time　being；　I　shifted　our
talk　next　to　the　difficult　question　of　Nugent's　relations　towards
Lucilla。　〃How　are　you　to　meet　her　again；〃　I　said；　〃after　the　effect　you
produced　on　her　at　the　meeting　to…day？〃

He　spoke　far　more　pleasantly　in　discussing　this　side　of　the　subject。　His
language　and　his　manner　both　improved　together。

〃If　I　could　have　had　my　own　way；〃　he　said；　〃Lucilla　would　have　been
relieved；　by　this　time；　of　all　fear　of　meeting　with　me　again。　She　would
have　heard　from　you；　or　from　Oscar；　that　business　had　obliged　me　to　leave
Dimchurch。〃

〃Does　Oscar　object　to　let　you　go？〃

〃He　won't　hear　of　my　going。　I　did　my　best　to　persuade　himI　promised　to
return　for　the　marriage。　Quite　useless！　'If　you　leave　me　here　by　myself；'
he　said；　'to　think　over　the　mischief　I　have　done；　and　the　sacrifices　I
have　forced　on　youyou　will　break　my　heart。　You　don't　know　what　an
encouragement　your　presence　is　to　me；　you　don't　know　what　a　blank　you
will　leave　in　my　life　if　you　go！'　I　am　as　weak　as　Oscar　is；　when　Oscar
speaks　to　me　in　that　way。　Against　my　own　convictions；　against　my　own
wishes；　I　yielded。　I　should　have　been　better　awayfar；　far　better　away！〃

He　said　those　closing　words　in　a　tone　that　startled　me。　It　was　nothing
less　than　a　tone　of　despair。　How　little　I　understood　him　then！　how　well　I
understand　him　now！　In　those　melancholy　accents；　spoke　the　last　of　his
honor；　the　last　of　his　truth。　Miserable；　innocent　Lucia！　Miserable；
guilty　Nugent！

〃And　now　you　remain　at　Dimchurch；〃　I　resumed；　〃what　are　you　to　do？〃

〃I　must　do　my　best　to　spare　her　the　nervous　suffering　which　I　unwillingly
inflicted　on　her　to…day。　The　morbid　repulsion　that　she　feels　in　my
presence　is　not　to　be　controlledI　can　see　that　plainly。　I　shall　keep
out　of　her　way；　gradually　withdrawing　myself；　so　as　not　to　force　my
absence　on　her　attention。　I　shall　pay　fewer　and　fewer　visits　at　the
rectory；　and　remain　longer　and　longer　at　Browndown　every　day。　After　they
are　married〃　He　suddenly　stopped；　the　words　seemed　to　stick　in　his
throat。　He　busied　himself　in　relighting　his　cigar；　and　took　a　long　time
to　do　it。

〃After　they　are　married；〃　I　repeated。　〃What　then？〃

〃When　Oscar　is　married；　Oscar　will　not　find　my　presence　indispensable　to
his　happiness。　I　shall　leave　Dimchurch。〃

〃You　will　have　to　give　a　reason。〃

〃I　shall　give　the　true　reason。　I　can　find　no　studio　here　big　enough　for
meas　I　have　told　you。　And；　even　if　I　could　find　a　studio；　I　should　be
doing　no　good；　if　I　remained　at　Dimchurch。　My　intellect　would　contract；
my　brains　would　rust；　in　this　remote　place。　Let　Oscar　live　his　quiet
married　life　here。　And　let　me　go　to　the　atmosphere　that　is　fitter　for
methe　atmosphere　of　London　or　Paris。〃

He　sighed；　and　fixed　his　eyes　absently　on　the　open　hilly　view　from　the
summer…house　door。

〃It's　strange　to　see　_you_　depressed；〃　I　said。　〃Your　spirits　seemed　to　be
quite　inexhaustible　on　that　first　evening　when　you　interrupted　Mr。　Finch
over　_Hamlet。_〃

He　threw　away　the　end　of　his　cigar；　and　laughed　bitterly。

〃We　artists　are　always　in　extremes；〃　he　said。　〃What　do　you　think　I　was
wishing　just　before　you　spoke　to　me？〃

〃I　can't　guess。〃

〃I　was　wishing　I　had　never　come　to　Dimchurch！〃

Before　I　could　return　a　word；　on　my　side；　Lucilla's　voice　reached　our
ears；　calling　to　me　from　the　garden。　Nugent　instantly　sprang　to　his　feet。

〃Have　we　said　all　we　need　say？〃　he　asked。

〃Yesfor　to…day；　at　any　rate。〃

〃For　to…day；　thengood…bye。〃

He　leapt　up；　caught　the　cross…bar　of　wood　over　the　entrance　to　the
summer…house；　and；　swinging　himself　on　to　the　low　garden…wall　beyond；
disappeared　in　the　field　on　the　other　side。　I　answered　Lucilla's　call；
and　hastened　away　to　find　her。　We　met　on　the　lawn。　She　looked　wild　and
pale；　as　if　something　had　frightened　her。

〃Anything　wrong　at　the　rectory？〃　I　asked。

〃Nothing　wrong；〃　she　answered〃except　with　Me。　The　next　time　I　complain
of　fatigue；　don't　advise　me　to　go　and　lie　down　on　my　bed。〃

〃Why　not？　I　looked　in　at　you；　before　I　came　out　here。　You　were　fast
asleepthe　picture　of　repose。〃

〃Repose？　You　never　were　more　mistaken　in　your　life。　I　was　in　the　agony　of
a　horrid　dream。〃

〃You　were　perfectly　quiet　when　I　saw　you。〃

〃It　must　have　been　after　you　saw　me；　then。　Let　me　come　and　sleep　with　you
to…night。　I　daren't　be　by　myself；　if　I　dream　of　it　again。〃

〃What　did　you　dream　of？〃

〃I　dreamt　that　I　was　standing；　in　my　wedding　dress；　before　the　altar　of　a
strange　church；　and　that　a　clergyman　whose　voice　I　had　never　heard
before；　was　marrying　me〃　She　stopped；　impatiently　waving　her　hand
before　her　in　the　air。　〃Blind　as　I　am；〃　she　said；　〃I　see　him　again　now！〃

〃The　bridegroom？〃

〃Yes。〃

〃Oscar？〃

〃No。〃

〃Who　then？〃

〃Oscar's　brother。　Nugent　Dubourg。〃

（Have　I　mentioned　before；　that　I　am　sometimes　a　great　fool？　If　I　have
not；　I　beg　to　mention　it　now。　I　burst　out　laughing。）

〃What　is　there　to　laugh　at？〃　she　asked　angrily。　〃I　saw　his　hideous；
discolored　faceI　am　never　blind　in　my　dreams！　I　felt　his　blue　hand　put
the　ring　on　my　finger。　Wait！　The　worst　part　of　it　is　to　come。　I　married
Nugent　Dubourg　willinglymarried　him　without　a　thought　of　my　engagement
to　Oscar。　Yes！　yes！　I　know　it's　only　a　dream。　I　can't　bear　to　think　of
it；　for　all　that。　I　don't　like　to　be　false　to　Oscar　even　in　a　dream。　Let
us　go　to　him。　I　want　to　hear　him　tell　me　that　he　loves　me。　Come　to
Browndown。　I'm　so　nervous；　I　don't　like　going　by　myself。　Come　to
Browndown！〃

I　have　another　humiliating　confession　to　makeI　tried　to　get　off　going
to　Browndown。　（So　like　those　unfeeling　French　people；　isn't　it？）

But　I　had　my　reason　too。　If　I　disapproved　of　the　resolution　at　which
Nugent　had　arrived；　I　viewed　far　mo