poor miss finch-第30章

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in　words。　My　face　revealed　to　him　what　was　passing　in　my　mind。

〃You　have　seen　a　person　who　has　taken　Nitrate　of　Silver！〃　he　exclaimed。

〃Have　_you？_〃　I　asked。

〃I　know　the　price　I　pay　for　being　cured；〃　he　answered　quietly。

His　composure　staggered　me。　〃How　long　have　you　been　taking　this　horrible
drug？〃　I　inquired。

〃A　little　more　than　a　week。〃

〃I　see　no　change　in　you　yet。〃

〃The　doctor　tells　me　there　will　be　no　visible　change　for　weeks　and　weeks
to　come。〃

Those　words　roused　a　momentary　hope　in　me。　〃There　is　time　to　alter　your
mind；〃　I　said。　〃For　heaven's　sake　reconsider　your　resolution　before　it　is
too　late！〃

He　smiled　bitterly。　〃Weak　as　I　am；〃　he　answered；　〃for　once；　my　mind　is
made　up。〃

I　suppose　I　took　a　woman's　view　of　the　matter。　I　lost　my　temper　when　I
looked　at　his　beautiful　complexion　and　thought　of　the　future。

〃Are　you　in　your　right　senses？〃　I　burst　out。　〃Do　you　mean　to　tell　me　that
you　are　deliberately　bent　on　making　yourself　an　object　of　horror　to
everybody　who　sees　you？〃

〃The　one　person　whose　opinion　I　care　for；〃　he　replied；　〃will　never　see
me。〃

I　understood　him　at　last。　_That_　was　the　consideration　which　had
reconciled　him　to　it！

Lucilla's　horror　of　dark　people　and　dark　shades　of　color；　of　all　kinds；
was；　it　is　needless　to　say；　recalled　to　my　memory　by　the　turn　the
conversation　was　taking　now。　Had　she　confessed　it　to　him；　as　she　had
confessed　it　to　me？　No！　I　remembered　that　she　had　expressly　warned　me　not
to　admit　him　into　our　confidence　in　this　matter。　At　an　early　period　of
their　acquaintance；　she　had　asked　him　which　of　his　parents　he　resembled。
This　led　him　into　telling　her　that　his　father　had　been　a　dark　man。
Lucilla's　delicacy　had　at　once　taken　the　alarm。　〃He　speaks　very　tenderly
of　his　dead　father；〃　she　said　to　me。　〃It　may　hurt　him　if　he　finds　out　the
antipathy　I　have　to　dark　people。　Let　us　keep　it　to　ourselves。〃　As　things
now　were；　it　was　on　the　tip　of　my　tongue　to　remind　him；　that　Lucilla
would　hear　of　his　disfigurement　from　other　people；　and　then　to　warn　him
of　the　unpleasant　result　that　might　follow。　On　reflection；　however；　I
thought　it　wiser　to　wait　a　little　and　sound　his　motives　first。

〃Before　you　tell　me　how　I　can　help　you；〃　I　said；　〃I　want　to　know　one
thing　more。　Have　you　decided　in　this　serious　matter　entirely　by　yourself？
Have　you　taken　no　advice？〃

〃I　don't　want　advice；〃　he　answered　sharply。　〃My　case　admits　of　no　choice。
Even　such　a　nervous　undecided　creature　as　I　am；　can　judge　for　himself
where　there　is　no　alternative。〃

〃Did　the　doctors　tell　you　there　was　no　alternative？〃　I　asked。

〃The　doctors　were　afraid　to　tell　me。　I　had　to　force　it　out　of　them。　I
said；　'I　appeal　to　your　honor　to　answer　a　plain　question　plainly。　Is
there　any　certain　prospect　of　my　getting　the　better　of　the　fits？'　They
only　said；　'At　your　time　of　life；　we　may　reasonably　hope　so。'　I　pressed
them　closer：'Can　you　fix　a　date　to　which　I　may　look　forward　as　the　date
of　my　deliverance？'　They　could　neither　of　them　do　it。　All　they　could　say
was；　'Our　experience　justifies　us　in　believing　that　you　will　grow　out　of
it；　but　it　does　_not_　justify　us　in　saying　when。'　'Then；　I　may　be　years
growing　out　of　it？'　They　were　obliged　to　own　that　it　might　be　so。　'Or　I
may　never　grow　out　of　it；　at　all？'　They　tried　to　turn　the　conversation。　I
wouldn't　have　it。　I　said；　'Tell　me　honestly；　is　that　one　of　the
possibilities；　in　my　case？'　The　Dimchurch　doctor　looked　at　the　London
doctor。　The　London　man　said；　'If　you　will　have　it；　it　is　one　of　the
possibilities。'　Just　consider　the　prospect　which　his　answer　placed　before
me！　Day　after　day；　week　after　week；　month　after　month；　always　in　danger；
go　where　I　may；　of　falling　down　in　a　fitis　that　a　miserable　position？
or　is　it　not？〃

How　could　I　answer　him？　What　could　I　say？

He　went　on：

〃Add　to　that　wretched　state　of　things　that　I　am　engaged　to　be　married。
The　hardest　disappointment　which　can　fall　on　a　man；　falls　on　me。　The
happiness　of　my　life　is　within　my　reachand　I　am　forbidden　to　enjoy　it。
It　is　not　only　my　health　that　is　broken　up；　my　prospects　in　life　are
ruined　as　well。　The　woman　I　love　is　a　woman　forbidden　to　me　while　I
suffer　as　I　suffer　now。　Realize　thatand　then　fancy　you　see　a　man
sitting　at　this　table　here；　with　pen；　ink；　and　paper　before　him；　who　has
only　to　scribble　a　line　or　two；　and　to　begin　the　cure　of　you　from　that
moment。　Deliverance　in　a　few　months　from　the　horror　of　the　fits；　marriage
in　a　few　months　to　the　woman　you　love。　That　heavenly　prospect　in　exchange
for　the　hellish　existence　that　you　are　enduring　now。　And　the　one　price　to
pay　for　it；　a　discolored　face　for　the　rest　of　your　lifewhich　the　one
person　who　is　dearest　to　you　will　never　see？　Would　you　have　hesitated？
When　the　doctor　took　up　the　pen　to　write　the　prescriptiontell　me；　if
you　had　been　in　my　place；　would　you　have　said；　No？〃

I　still　sat　silent。　My　obstinacywomen　are　such　mules！declined　to　give
way；　even　when　my　conscience　told　me　that　he　was　right。

He　sprang　to　his　feet；　in　the　same　fever　of　excitement　which　I　remembered
so　well；　when　I　had　irritated　him　at　Browndown　into　telling　me　who　he
really　was。

〃Would　you　have　said；　No？〃　he　reiterated；　stooping　over　me；　flushed　and
heated；　as　he　had　stooped　on　that　first　occasion；　when　he　had　whispered
his　name　in　my　ear。　〃Would　you？〃　he　repeated；　louder　and　louder〃would
you？〃

At　the　third　reiteration　of　the　words；　the　frightful　contortion　that　I
knew　so　well；　seized　on　his　face。　The　wrench　to　the　right　twisted　his
body。　He　dropped　at　my　feet。　Good　God！　who　could　have　declared　that　he
was　wrong；　with　such　an　argument　in　his　favor　as　I　saw　at　that　moment？
Who　would　not　have　said　that　any　disfigurement　would　be　welcome　as　a
refuge　from　this？

The　servant　ran　in；　and　helped　me　to　move　the　furniture　to　a　safe
distance　from　him；　〃There　won't　be　much　more　of　it；　ma'am；〃　said　the　man；
noticing　my　agitation；　and　trying　to　compose　me。　〃In　a　month　or　two；　the
doctor　says　the　medicine　will　get　hold　of　him。〃　I　could　say　nothing　on　my
sideI　could　only　reproach　myself　bitterly　for　disputing　with　him　and
exciting　him；　and　leading　perhaps　to　the　hideous　seizure　which　had
attacked　him　in　my　presence　for　the　second　time。

The　fit　on　this　occasion　was　a　short　one。　Perhaps　the　drug　was　already
beginning　to　have　some　influence　over　him？　In　twenty　minutes；　he　was　able
to　resume　his　chair；　and　to　go　on　talking　to　me。

〃You　think　I　shall　horrify　you　when　my　face　has　turned　blue；〃　he　said
with　a　faint　smile。　〃Don't　I　horrify　you　now　when　you　see　me　in
convulsions　on　the　floor？〃

I　entreated　him　to　dwell　on　it　no　more。

〃God　knows；〃　I　said；　〃you　have　convinced　meobstinate　as　I　am。　Let　us
try　to　think　of　nothing　now　but　of　the　prospect　of　your　being　cured。　What
do　you　wish　me　to　do？〃

〃You　have　great　influence　over　Lucilla；〃　he　said。　〃If　she　expresses　any
curiosity；　in　future　conversations　with　you；　about　the　effect　of　the
medicine；　check　her　at　once。　Keep　her　as　ignorant　of　it　as　she　is　now！〃

〃Why？〃

〃Why！　If　she　knows　what　you　know；　how　will　she　feel？　Shocked　and
horrified；　as　you　felt。　What　will　she　do？　She　will　come　straight　here；
and　try；　as　you　have　tried；　to　persuade　me　to　give　it　up。　Is　that　true　or
not？〃

（Impossible　to　deny　that　it　was　true。）

〃I　am　so　fond　of　her；〃　he　went　on；　〃that　I　can　refuse　her　nothing。　She
would　end　in　making　me　give　it　up。　The　instant　her　back　was　turned；　I
should　repent　my　own　weakness；　and　return　to　the　medicine。　Here　is　a
perpetual　struggle　in　prospect；　for　a　man　who　is　already　worn　out。　Is　it
desirable；　after　what　you　have　just　seen；　to　expose　me　to　that？〃

It　would　have　been　useless　cruelty　to　expose　him　to　it。　How　could　I　do
otherwise　than　consent　to　make　his　sacrifice　of　himselfhis　_necessary_
sacrificeas　easy　as　I　could？　At　the　same　time；　I　implored　him　to
remember　one　thing。

〃Mind；〃　I　said；　〃we　can　never　hope　to　keep　her　in　ignorance　of　the　change
in　you；　when　the　change　comes。　Sooner　or　later；　some　one　will　let　the
secret　out。〃

〃I　only　want　it　to　be　concealed　from　her　while　the　disfigurement　of　me　is
in　progress；〃　he　answered。　〃When　nothing　she　can　say　or　do　will　alter
itI　will　tell　her　myself。　She