poor miss finch-第101章

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help　of　these；　I　made　myself　of　some　use　（under　the　regular　surgeons　and
dressers）　in　nursing　the　poor　mutilated；　crippled　men；　and　I　have　helped
a　little　afterwards；　from　my　own　resources；　in　starting　them　comfortably
in　new　ways　of　life。〃

In　those　manly　and　simple　words；　he　told　me　his　story。

Once　more　I　felt；　what　I　had　felt　already；　that　there　were　hidden
reserves　of　strength　in　the　character　of　this　innocent　young　fellow；
which　had　utterly　escaped　my　superficial　observation　of　him。　In　choosing
his　vocation；　he　was；　no　doubt；　only　following　the　conventional　modern
course　in　such　cases。　Despair　has　its　fashions；　as　well　as　dress。　Ancient
despair　（especially　of　Oscar's　sort）　used　to　turn　soldier；　or　go　into　a
monastery。　Modern　despair　turns　nurse；　binds　up　wounds；　gives　physic；　and
gets　cured　or　not　in　that　useful　but　nasty　way。　Oscar　had　certainly
struck　out　nothing　new　for　himself：　he　had　only　followed　the　fashion。
Still；　it　implied；　as　I　thought；　both　courage　and　resolution　to　have
conquered　the　obstacles　which　he　must　have　overcome；　and　to　have　held
steadily　on　his　course　after　he　had　once　entered　it。　Having　begun　by
quarreling　with　him；　I　was　in　a　fair　way　to　end　by　respecting　him。　Surely
this　man　was　worth　preserving　for　Lucilla；　after　all！

〃May　I　ask　where　you　were　going；　when　we　met　at　the　port？〃　I　continued。
〃Have　you　left　Italy　because　there　were　no　more　wounded　soldiers　to　be
cured？〃

〃There　was　no　more　work　for　me　at　the　hospital　to　which　I　was　attached；〃
he　said。　〃And　there　were　certain　obstacles　in　my　way；　as　a　stranger　and　a
Protestant；　among　the　poor　and　afflicted　population　outside　the　hospital。
I　might　have　overcome　those　obstacles；　with　little　trouble；　among　a
people　so　essentially　good…tempered　and　courteous　as　the　Italians；　if　I
had　tried。　But　it　occurred　to　me　that　my　first　duty　was　to　my　own
countrymen。　The　misery　crying　for　relief　in　London；　is　misery　not
paralleled　in　any　city　of　Italy。　When　you　met　me；　I　was　on　my　way　to
London；　to　place　my　services　at　the　disposal　of　any　clergyman；　in　a　poor
neighborhood；　who　would　accept　such　help　as　I　can　offer　him。〃　He　paused　a
littlehesitatedand　added　in　lower　tones：〃That　was　one　of　my　objects
in　returning　to　England。　It　is　only　honest　to　own　to　you　that　I　had
another　motive　besides。〃

〃A　motive　connected　with　your　brother　and　with　Lucilla？〃　I　suggested。

〃Yes。　Don't　misinterpret　me！　I　am　not　returning　to　England　to　retract
what　I　said　to　Nugent。　I　still　leave　him　free　to　plead　his　own　cause　with
Lucilla　in　his　own　person。　I　am　still　resolved　not　to　distress　myself　and
distress　them；　by　returning　to　Dimchurch。　But　I　have　a　longing　that
nothing　can　subdue；　to　know　how　it　has　ended　between　them。　Don't　ask　me
to　say　more　than　that！　In　spite　of　the　time　that　has　passed；　it　breaks　my
heart　to　talk　of　Lucilla。　I　had　looked　forward　to　a　meeting　with　you　in
London；　and　to　hearing　what　I　longed　to　hear；　from　your　lips。　Judge　for
yourself　what　my　hopes　were　when　I　first　saw　your　face；　and　forgive　me　if
I　felt　my　disappointment　bitterly；　when　I　found　that　you　had　really　no
news　to　tell；　and　when　you　spoke　of　Nugent　as　you　did。〃　He　stopped；　and
pressed　my　arm　earnestly。　〃Suppose　I　am　right　about　Miss　Finch's　letter？'
he　added。　〃Suppose　it　should　really　be　waiting　for　you　at　the　post？〃

〃Well？〃

〃The　letter　may　contain　the　news　which　I　most　want　to　hear。〃

I　checked　him　there。　〃I　am　not　sure　of　that；〃　I　answered。　〃I　don't　know
what　it　is　that　you　most　want　to　hear。〃

I　said　those　words　with　a　purpose。　What　was　the　news　he　was　longing　for？
In　spite　of　all　that　he　had　told　me；　my　instincts　answered：　News　that
Lucilla　is　still　a　single　woman。　My　object　in　speaking　as　I　had　just
spoken；　was　to　tempt　him　into　a　reply　which　might　confirm　me　in　this
opinion。　He　evaded　the　reply。　Was　that　confirmation　in　itself？　Yesas
_I_　think！

〃Will　you　tell　me　what　there　is　in　the　letter？〃　he　askedpassing；　as　you
see；　entirely　over　what　I　had　just　said　to　him。

〃Yesif　you　wish　it；〃　I　answered：　not　over　well　pleased　with　his　want　of
confidence　in　me。

〃No　matter　what　the　letter　contains？〃　he　went　on；　evidently　doubting　me。

I　said　Yes；　againthat　one　word；　and　no　more。

〃I　suppose　it　would　be　asking　too　much；〃　he　persisted；　〃to　ask　you　to　let
me　read　the　letter　myself？〃

My　temper；　as　you　are　well　aware　by　this　time；　is　not　the　temper　of　a
saint。　I　drew　my　arm　smartly　out　of　his　arm；　and　I　surveyed　him　with；
what　poor　Pratolungo　used　to　call；　〃my　Roman　look。〃

〃Mr。　Oscar　Dubourg！　say；　in　plain　words；　that　you　distrust　me。〃

He　protested　of　course　that　he　did　nothing　of　the　kindwithout　producing
the　slightest　effect　on　me。　Just　run　over　in　your　mind　the　insults；
worries；　and　anxieties　which　had　assailed　me；　as　the　reward　for　my
friendly　interest　in　this　man's　welfare。　Or；　if　that　is　too　great　an
effort；　be　so　good　as　to　remember　that　Lucilla's　farewell　letter　to　me　at
Dimchurch；　was　now　followed　by　the　equally　ungracious　expression　of
Oscar's　distrustand　this　at　a　time　when　I　had　had　serious　trials　of　my
own　to　sustain　at　my　father's　bedside。　I　think　you　will　admit　that　a
sweeter　temper　than　mine　might　have　not　unnaturally　turned　a　little　sour
under　present　circumstances。

I　answered　not　a　word　to　Oscar's　protestationsI　only　searched
vehemently　in　the　pocket　of　my　dress。

〃Here；〃　I　said；　opening　my　card…case；　〃is　my　address　in　this　place；　and
here；〃　I　went　on；　producing　the　document；　〃is　my　passport；　if　they　want
it。〃

I　forced　the　card　and　the　passport　into　his　hands。　He　took　them　in
helpless　astonishment。

〃What　am　I　to　do　with　these？〃　he　asked。

〃Take　them　to　the　Poste…Restante。　If　there　is　a　letter　for　me　with　the
Dimchurch　post…mark；　I　authorize　you　to　open　it。　Read　it　before　it　comes
into　my　handsand　then　perhaps　you　will　be　satisfied？〃

He　declared　that　he　would　do　nothing　of　the　sortand　tried　to　force　my
documents　back　into　my　own　possession。

〃Please　yourself；〃　I　said。　〃I　have　done　with　you　and　your　affairs。　Mrs。
Finch's　letter　is　of　no　earthly　consequence　to　me。　If　it　_is_　at　the
Poste…Restante；　I　shall　not　trouble　myself　to　ask　for　it。　What　concern
have　I　with　news　about　Lucilla？　What　does　it　matter　to　_me_　whether　she
is　married　or　not？　I　am　going　back　to　my　father　and　my　sisters。　Decide
for　yourself　whether　you　want　Mrs。　Finch's　letter　or　not。〃

That　settled　it。　He　went　his　way　with　my　documents　to　the　post…office；
and　I　went　mine　back　to　the　lodging。

Arrived　in　my　room；　I　still　held　to　the　resolution　which　I　had　expressed
to　Oscar　in　the　street。　Why　should　I　leave　my　poor　old　father　to　go　back
to　England；　and　mix　myself　up　in　Lucilla's　affairs？　After　the　manner　in
which　she　had　taken　her　leave　of　me；　had　I　any　reasonable　prospect　of
being　civilly　received？　Oscar　was　on　his　way　to　Englandlet　Oscar　manage
his　own　affairs；　let　them　all　three　（Oscar；　Nugent；　Lucilla）　fight　it　out
together　among　themselves。　What　had　I；　Pratolungo's　widow；　to　do　with
this　trumpery　family　entanglement？　Nothing！　It　was　a　warm　day　for　the
time　of　yearPratolungo's　widow；　like　a　wise　woman；　determined　to　make
herself　comfortable。　She　unlocked　her　packed　box；　she　removed　her
traveling　costume；　and　put　on　her　dressing…gown；　she　took　a　turn　in　the
roomand；　if　you　had　come　across　her　at　that　moment；　I　wouldn't　have
stood　in　your　shoes　for　something；　I　can　tell　you！

（What　do　you　think　of　my　consistency　by　this　time？　How　often　have　I
changed　my　mind　about　Lucilla　and　Oscar？　Reckon　it　up；　from　the　time　when
I　left　Dimchurch。　What　a　picture　of　perpetual　self…contradiction　I
presentand　how　improbable　it　is　that　I　should　act　in　this　illogical
way！　_You_　never　alter　your　mind　under　the　influence　of　your　temper　or
your　circumstances。　No：　you　are；　what　they　call；　a　consistent　character。
And　I？　Oh；　I　am　only　a　human　beingand　I　feel　painfully　conscious　that　I
have　no　business　to　be　in　a　book。）

In　about　half　an　hour's　time；　the　servant　appeared　with　a　little　paper
parcel　for　me。　It　had　been　left　by　a　stranger　with　an　English　accent　and
a　terrible　face。　He　had　announced　his　intention　of　calling　a　little
later。　The　servant；　a　bouncing　fat　wench；　trembled　as　she　repeated　the
mes