mrs. bullfrog-第2章

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perceive　Mrs。　Bullfrog　alive；　nor；　though　I　looked　very　sharply

about　the　coach；　could　I　detect　any　traces　of　that　beloved

woman's　dead　body。　There　would　have　been　a　comfort　in　giving　her

Christian　burial。



〃Come；　sir；　bestir　yourself！　Help　this　rascal　to　set　up　the

coach；〃　sai　the　hobgoblin　to　me；　then；　with　a　terrific　screech　at

three　countrymen　at　a　distance；　〃Here；　you　fellows；　ain't　you

ashamed　to　stand　off　when　a　poor　woman　is　in　distress？〃



The　countrymen；　instead　of　fleeing　for　their　lives；　came　running

at　full　speed；　and　laid　hold　of　the　topsy…turvy　coach。　I；　also；

though　a　small…sized　man；　went　to　work　like　a　son　of　Anak。　The

coachman；　too；　with　the　blood　still　streaming　from　his　nose；

tugged　and　toiled　most　manfully；　dreading；　doubtless；　that　the

next　blow　might　break　his　head。　And　yet；　bemauled　as　the　poor

fellow　had　been；　he　seemed　to　glance　at　me　with　an　eye　of　pity；

as　if　my　case　were　more　deplorable　than　his。　But　I　cherished　a

hope　that　all　would　turn　out　a　dream；　and　seized　the　opportunity；

as　we　raised　the　coach；　to　jam　two　of　my　fingers　under　the　wheel；

trusting　that　the　pain　would　awaken　me。



〃Why；　here　we　are；　all　to　rights　again！〃　exclaimed　a　sweet　voice

behind。　〃Thank　you　for　your　assistance；　gentlemen。　My　dear　Mr。

Bullfrog；　how　you　perspire！　Do　let　me　wipe　your　face。　Don't　take

this　little　accident　too　much　to　heart；　good　driver。　We　ought　to

be　thankful　that　none　of　our　necks　are　broken。〃



〃We　might　have　spared　one　neck　out　of　the　three；〃　muttered　the

driver；　rubbing　his　ear　and　pulling　his　nose；　to　ascertain

whether　he　had　been　cuffed　or　not。　〃Why；　the　woman's　a　witch！〃



I　fear　that　the　reader　will　not　believe；　yet　it　is　positively　a

fact；　that　there　stood　Mrs。　Bullfrog；　with　her　glossy　ringlets

curling　on　her　brow；　and　two　rows　of　orient　pearls　gleaming

between　her　parted　lips；　which　wore　a　most　angelic　smile。　She　had

regained　her　riding　habit　and　calash　from　the　grisly　phantom；　and

was；　in　all　respects；　the　lovely　woman　who　had　been　sitting　by　my

side　at　the　instant　of　our　overturn。　How　she　had　happened　to

disappear；　and　who　had　supplied　her　place；　and　whence　she　did　now

return；　were　problems　too　knotty　for　me　to　solve。　There　stood　my

wife。　That　was　the　one　thing　certain　among　a　heap　of　mysteries。

Nothing　remained　but　to　help　her　into　the　coach；　and　plod　on；

through　the　journey　of　the　day　and　the　journey　of　life；　as

comfortably　as　we　could。　As　the　driver　closed　the　door　upon　us；　I

heard　him　whisper　to　the　three　countrymen；〃How　do　you　suppose　a

fellow　feels　shut　up　in　the　cage　with　a　she　tiger？〃



Of　course　this　query　could　have　no　reference　to　my　situation。

Yet；　unreasonable　as　it　may　appear；　I　confess　that　my　feelings

were　not　altogether　so　ecstatic　as　when　I　first　called　Mrs。

Bullfrog　mine。　True；　she　was　a　sweet　woman　and　an　angel　of　a

wife；　but　what　if　a　Gorgon　should　return；　amid　the　transports　of

our　connubial　bliss；　and　take　the　angel's　place。　I　recollected

the　tale　of　a　fairy；　who　half　the　time　was　a　beautiful　woman　and

half　the　time　a　hideous　monster。　Had　I　taken　that　very　fairy　to

be　the　wife　of　my　bosom？　While　such　whims　and　chimeras　were

flitting　across　my　fancy　I　began　to　look　askance　at　Mrs。

Bullfrog；　almost　expecting　that　the　transformation　would　be

wrought　before　my　eyes。



To　divert　my　mind；　I　took　up　the　newspaper　which　had　covered　the

little　basket　of　refreshments；　and　which　now　lay　at　the　bottom　of

the　coach；　blushing　with　a　deep…red　stain　and　emitting　a　potent

spirituous　fume　from　the　contents　of　the　broken　bottle　of

Kalydor。　The　paper　was　two　or　three　years　old；　but　contained　an

article　of　several　columns；　in　which　I　soon　grew　wonderfully

interested。　It　was　the　report　of　a　trial　for　breach　of　promise　of

marriage；　giving　the　testimony　in　full；　with　fervid　extracts　from

both　the　gentleman's　and　lady's　amatory　correspondence。　The

deserted　damsel　had　personally　appeared　in　court；　and　had　borne

energetic　evidence　to　her　lover's　perfidy　and　the　strength　of　her

blighted　affections。　On　the　defendant's　part　there　had　been　an

attempt；　though　insufficiently　sustained；　to　blast　the

plaintiff's　character；　and　a　plea；　in　mitigation　of　damages；　on

account　of　her　unamiable　temper。　A　horrible　idea　was　suggested　by

the　lady's　name。



〃Madam；〃　said　I；　holding　the　newspaper　before　Mrs。　Bullfrog's

eyes；and；　though　a　small；　delicate；　and　thin…visaged　man；　I

feel　assured　that　I　looked　very　terrific；〃madam；〃　repeated　I；

through　my　shut　teeth；　〃were　you　the　plaintiff　in　this　cause？〃



〃Oh；　my　dear　Mr。　Bullfrog；〃　replied　my　wife；　sweetly；　〃I　thought

all　the　world　knew　that！〃



〃Horror！　horror！〃　exclaimed　I；　sinking　back　on　the　seat。



Covering　my　face　with　both　hands；　I　emitted　a　deep　and　deathlike

groan；　as　if　my　tormented　soul　were　rending　me　asunderI；　the

most　exquisitely　fastidious　of　men；　and　whose　wife　was　to　have

been　the　most　delicate　and　refined　of　women；　with　all　the　fresh

dew…drops　glittering　on　her　virgin　rosebud　of　a　heart！



I　thought　of　the　glossy　ringlets　and　pearly　teeth；　I　thought　of

the　Kalydor；　I　thought　of　the　coachman's　bruised　ear　and　bloody

nose；　I　thought　of　the　tender　love　secrets　which　she　had

whispered　to　the　judge　and　jury　and　a　thousand　tittering

auditors；and　gave　another　groan！



〃Mr。　Bullfrog；〃　said　my　wife。



As　I　made　no　reply；　she　gently　took　my　hands　within　her　own；

removed　them　from　my　face；　and　fixed　her　eyes　steadfastly　on

mine。



〃Mr。　Bullfrog；〃　said　she；　not　unkindly；　yet　with　all　the　decision

of　her　strong　character；　〃let　me　advise　you　to　overcome　this

foolish　weakness；　and　prove　yourself；　to　the　best　of　your

ability；　as　good　a　husband　as　I　will　be　a　wife。　You　have

discovered；　perhaps；　some　little　imperfections　in　your　bride。

Well；　what　did　you　expect？　Women　are　not　angels。　If　they　were；

they　would　go　to　heaven　for　husbands；　or；　at　least；　be　more

difficult　in　their　choice　on　earth。〃



〃But　why　conceal　those　imperfections？〃　interposed　I；　tremulously。



〃Now；　my　love；　are　not　you　a　most　unreasonable　little　man？〃　said

Mrs。　Bullfrog；　patting　me　on　the　cheek。　〃Ought　a　woman　to

disclose　her　frailties　earlier　than　the　wedding　day？　Few

husbands；　I　assure　you；　make　the　discovery　in　such　good　season；

and　still　fewer　complain　that　these　trifles　are　concealed　too

long。　Well；　what　a　strange　man　you　are！　Poh！　you　are　joking。〃



〃But　the　suit　for　breach　of　promise！〃　groaned　I。



〃Ah；　and　is　that　the　rub？〃　exclaimed　my　wife。　〃Is　it　possible

that　you　view　that　affair　in　an　objectionable　light？　Mr。

Bullfrog；　I　never　could　have　dreamed　it！　Is　it　an　objection　that

I　have　triumphantly　defended　myself　against　slander　and

vindicated　my　purity　in　a　court　of　justice？　Or　do　you　complain

because　your　wife　has　shown　the　proper　spirit　of　a　woman；　and

punished　the　villain　who　trifled　with　her　affections？〃



〃But；〃　persisted　I；　shrinking　into　a　corner　of　the　coach；

however；for　I　did　not　know　precisely　how　much　contradiction　the

proper　spirit　of　a　woman　would　endure；〃but；　my　love；　would　it

not　have　been　more　dignified　to　treat　the　villain　with　the　silent

contempt　he　merited？〃



〃That　is　all　very　well；　Mr。　Bullfrog；〃　said　my　wife；　slyly；　〃but；

in　that　case；　where　would　have　been　the　five　thousand　dollars

which　are　to　stock　your　dry　goods　store？〃



〃Mrs。　Bullfrog；　upon　your　honor；〃　demanded　I；　as　if　my　life　hung

upon　her　words；　〃is　there　no　mistake　about　those　five　thousand

dollars？〃



〃Upon　my　word　and　honor　there　is　none；〃　replied　she。　〃The　jury

gave　me　every　cent　the　rascal　had；　and　I　have　kept　it　all　for　my

dear　Bullfrog。〃



〃Then；　thou　dear　woman；〃　cried　I；　with　an　overwhelming　gush　of

tenderness；　〃let　me　fold　thee　to　my　heart。　The　basis　of

matrimonial　bliss　is　secure；　and　all　thy　little　defects　and

frailties　are　forgiven。　Nay；　since　the　result　has　been　so

fortunate；　I　rejoice　at　the　wrongs　which　drove　thee　to　this

blessed　lawsuit。　Happy　Bullfrog　that　I　a