a new england girlhood-第8章
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A little later； I was much puzzled as to whether I was a Jew or Gentile。 The Bible seemed to divide people into these two classes only。 The Gentiles were not well spoken of： I did not want to be one of them。 The talked about Abraham and Isaac and Jacob and the rest； away back to Adam； as if they were our forefathers （there was a time when I thought that Adam and Eve and Cain and Abel were our four fathers）； and yet I was very sure that I was not a Jew。 When I ventured to ask； I was told that we were all Christians or heathen now。 That did not help me for I thought that only grown…up persons could be Christians； from which it followed that all children must be heathen。 Must I think of Myself as a heathen； then； until I should be old enough to be a Christian？ It was a shocking conclusion； but I could see no other answer to my question； and I felt ashamed to ask again。 My self…invented theory about the human race was that Adam and Eve were very tall people； taller than the tallest trees in the Garden of Eden； before they were sent out of it； but that they then began to dwindle； that their children had ever since been getting smaller and smaller； and that by and by the inhabitants of the world would be no bigger than babies。 I was afraid I should stop growing while I was a child； and I used to stand on the footstool in the pew； and try to stretch myself up to my mother's height； to imagine how it would seem to be a woman。 I hoped I should be a tall one。 I did not wish to be a diminishing specimen of the race； an anxiety which proved to be entirely groundless。
The Sabbath mornings in those old times had a peculiar charm。 They seemed so much cleaner than other mornings！ The roads and the grassy footpaths seemed fresher； and the air itself purer and more wholesome than on week…days。 Saturday afternoon and evening were regarded as part of the Sabbath （we were taught that it was heathenish to call the day Sunday）； work and playthings were laid aside； and every body； as well as every thing； was subjected to a rigid renovation。 Sabbath morning would not have seemed like itself without a clean house； a clean skin； and tidy and spotless clothing。
The Saturday's baking was a great event； the brick oven being heated to receive the flour bread； the flour…and…Indian； and the rye…and…Indian bread； the traditional pot of beans； the Indian pudding； and the pies； for no further cooking was to be done until Monday。 We smaller girls thought it a great privilege to be allowed to watch the oven till the roof of it should be 〃white… hot；〃 so that the coals could be shoveled out。
Then it was so still； both out of doors and within！ We were not allowed to walk anywhere except in the yard or garden。 I remember wondering whether it was never Sabbath…day over the fence； in the next field； whether the field was not a kind of heathen field； since we could only go into it on week…days。 The wild flowers over there were perhaps Gentile blossoms。 Only the flowers in the garden were well…behaved Christians。 It was Sabbath in the house； and possibly even on the doorstep； but not much farther。 The town itself was so quiet that it scarcely seemed to breathe。 The sound of wheels was seldom heard in the streets on that day； if we heard it； we expected some unusual explanation。
I liked to go to meeting；not wholly oblivious to the fact that going there sometimes implied wearing a new bonnet and my best white dress and muslin 〃vandyke；〃 of which adornments； if very new； I vainly supposed the whole congregation to be as admiringly aware as I was myself。
But my Sabbath…day enjoyment was not wholly without drawbacks。 It was so hard； sometimes； to stand up through the 〃long prayer；〃 and to sit still through the 〃ninthlies；〃 and 〃tenthlies；〃 and 〃finallys〃 of the sermon！ It was impressed upon me that good children were never restless in meeting； and never laughed or smiled； however their big brothers tempted them with winks or grimaces。 And I did want to be good。
I was not tall enough to see very far over the top of the pew。 I think there were only three persons that came within range of my eyes。 One was a dark man with black curly hair brushed down in 〃bangs〃 over his eyebrows； who sat behind a green baize curtain near the outside door； peeping out at me； as I thought。 I had an impression that he was the 〃tidy…man；〃 though that personage had become mythical long before my day。 He had a dragonish look； to me； and I tried never to meet his glance。
But I did sometimes gaze more earnestly than was polite at a dear； demure little lady who sat in the corner of the pew next ours； her downcast eyes shaded by a green calash； and her hidden right hand gently swaying a long…handled Chinese fan。 She was the deacon's wife； and I felt greatly interested in her movements and in the expression of her face； because I thought she represented the people they called 〃saints；〃 who were； as I supposed； about the same as first cousins to the angels。
The third figure in sight was the minister。 I did not think he ever saw me； he was talking to the older people；usually telling them how wicked they were。 He often said to them that there was not one good person among them； but I supposed he excepted himself。 He seemed to me so very good that I was very much afraid of him。 I was a little afraid of my father； but then he sometimes played with us children： and besides； my father was only a man。 I thought the minister belonged to some different order of beings。 Up there in the pulpit he seemed to me so far offoh！ a great deal farther off than God did。 His distance made my reverence for him take the form of idolatry。 The pulpit was his pedestal。 If any one had told me that the minister ever did or thought anything that was wrong； I should have felt as if the foundations of the earth under me were shaken。 I wondered if he ever did laugh。 Perhaps it was wicked for a minister even to smile。
One day； when I was very little； I met the minister in the street； and he； probably recognizing me as the child of one of his parishioners； actually bowed to me！ His bows were always ministerially profound； and I was so overwhelmed with surprise and awe that I forgot to make the proper response of a 〃curtsey；〃 but ran home as fast as I could go to proclaim the wonder。 It would not have astonished me any more； if one of the tall Lombardy poplars that stood along the sidewalk had laid itself down at my feet。
I do not remember anything that the preacher ever said； except some words which I thought sounded well；such as 〃dispensations；〃 〃decrees；〃 〃ordinances；〃 〃covenants；〃 although I attached no meaning to them。 He seemed to be trying to explain the Bible by putting it into long words。 I did not understand them at all。 It was from Aunt Hannah that I received my first real glimpses of the beautiful New Testament revelation。 In her unconscious wisdom she chose for me passages and chapters that were like openings into heaven。 They contained the great； deep truths which are simple because they are great。 It was not explanations of those grand words that I required； or that anybody requires。 In reading them we are all children together； and need only to be led to the banks of the river of God； which is full of water； that we may look down into its pellucid depths for ourselves。
Our minister was not unlike other ministers of the time； and his seeming distance from his congregation was doubtless owing to the deep reverence in which the ministerial office was universally held among our predecessors。 My own graven…image worship of him was only a childish exageration of the general feeling of grown people around me。 He seemed to us an inhabitant of a Sabbath…day sphere； while we belonged to the every…day world。 I distinctly remember the day of my christening； when I was between three and four years old。 My parents did not make a public profession of their faith until after the birth of all their children； eight of whomI being my father's ninth child and seventh daughterwere baptized at one time。 My two half…sisters were then grown…up young women。 My mother had told us that the minister would be speaking directly to us； and that we must pay close attention to what he said。 I felt that it was an important event； a
