a new england girlhood-第34章
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t two magazines were started instead of one。 If the girls who enjoyed writing had not been so many and so scattered； they might have made the better arrange… ment of joining their forces from the beginning。
I was too young a contributor to be at first of much value to either periodical。 They began their regular issues； I think； while I was the nursemaid of my little nephews at Beverly。 When I returned to Lowell； at about sixteen； I found my sister Emilie interested in the 〃Operatives' Magazine；〃 and we both contributed to it regularly； until it was merged in the 〃Lowell Offering；〃 to which we then transferred our writing efforts。 It did not occur to us to call these efforts 〃literary。〃 I know that I wrote just as I did for our little 〃Diving Bell；〃as a sort of pastime； and because my daily toil was mechanical； and furnished no occupation for my thoughts。 Perhaps the fact that most of us wrote in this way accounted for the rather sketchy and fragmentary character of our 〃Magazine。〃 It gave evidence that we thought； and that we thought upon solid and serious matters； but the criticism of one of our superintendents upon it； very kindly given； was undoubtedly just： 〃It has plenty of pith； but it lacks point。
The 〃Offering〃 had always more of the literary spirit and touch。 It was； indeed； for the first two years； edited by a gentleman of acknowledged literary ability。 But people seemed to be more interested in it after it passed entirely into the bands of the girls themselves。
The 〃Operatives' Magazine〃 had a decidedly religious tone。 We who wrote for it were loyal to our Puritanic antecedents； and considered it all…important that our lightest actions should be moved by some earnest impulse from behind。 We might write playfully； but there must be conscience and reverence somewhere within it all。 We had been taught； and we believed； that idle words were a sin； whether spoken or written。 This； no doubt； gave us a gravity of expression rather unnatural to youth。
In looking over the bound volume of this magazine； I am amused at the grown…up style of thought assumed by myself； probably its very youngest contributor。 I wrote a dissertation on 〃Fame；〃 quoting from Pollok； Cowper； and Milton； and ending with Diedrich Knickerbocker's definition of immortal fame；〃Half a page of dirty paper。〃 For other titles I had 〃Thoughts on Beauty；〃 〃Gentility；〃 〃Sympathy；〃 etc。 And in one longish poem； entitled 〃My Childhood〃 （written when I was about fifteen）； I find verses like these； which would seem to have come out of a mature experience：
My childhood！ O those pleasant days； when everything seemed free； And in the broad and verdant fields I frolicked merrily； When joy came to my bounding heart with every wild bird's song； And Nature's music in my ears was ringing all day long！
And yet I would not call them back； those blessed times of yore； For riper years are fraught with joys I dreamed not of before。 The labyrinth of Science opes with wonders every day； And friendship hath full many a flower to cheer life's dreary way。
And glancing through the pages of the 〃Lowell Offering〃 a year or two later； I see that I continued to dismalize myself at times； quite unnecessarily。 The title of one sting of morbid verses is 〃The Complaint of a Nobody；〃 in which I compare myself to a weed growing up in a garden； and the conclusion of it all is this stanza：
〃When the fierce storms are raging； I will not repine； Though I'm heedlessly crushed in the strife； For surely 't were better oblivion were mine Than a worthless； inglorious life。
Now I do not suppose that I really considered myself a weed； though I did sometimes fancy that a different kind of cultivation would tend to make me a more useful plant。 I am glad to remember that these discontented fits were only occasional； for certainly they were unreasonable。 I was not unhappy； this was an affect… ation of unhappiness； and half conscious that it was； I hid it behind a different signature from my usual one
How truly Wordsworth describes this phase of undeveloped feeling：
〃In youth sad fancies we affect； In luxury of disrespect To our own prodigal excess Of too familiar happiness。〃
It is a very youthful weakness to exaggerate passing moods into deep experiences； and if we put them down on paper； we get a fine opportunity of laughing at ourselves； if we live to outgrow them； as most of us do。 I think I must have had a frequent fancy that I was not long for this world。 Perhaps I thought an early death rather picturesque； many young people do。 There is a certain kind of poetry that fosters this idea； that delights in imaginary youthful victims； and has； reciprocally； its youthful devotees。 One of my blank verse poems in the 〃Offering〃 is entitled 〃The Early Doomed。〃 It begins；
And must I die？ The world is bright to me； And everything that looks upon me； smiles。
Another poem is headed 〃Memento Mori；〃 and another； entitled a 〃Song in June；〃 which ought to be cheerful； goes off into the doleful request to somebody； or anybody； to
Weave me a shroud in the month of June！
I was； perhaps； healthier than the average girl； and had no predisposition to a premature decline； and in reviewing these absurdities of my pen； I feel like saying to any young girl who inclines to rhyme； 〃Don't sentimentalize！〃 Write more of what you see than of what you feel； and let your feelings realize themselves to others in the shape of worthy actions。 Then they will be natural； and will furnish you with something worth writing。〃
It is fair to myself to explain； however； that many of these verses of mine were written chiefly as exercises in rhythmic expression。 I remember this distinctly about one of my poems with a terrible title；〃The Murderer's Request；〃in which I made an imaginary criminal pose for me； telling where he would not and where be would like to be buried。 I modeled my verses；
〃Bury ye me on some storm…rifted mountain； O'erhaliging the depths of a yawning abyss；〃
upon Byron's；
〃Know ye the land where the cypress and myrtle Are emblems of deeds that are done in their clime；〃
and I was only trying to see how near I could approach to his exquisite metre。 I do not think I felt at all murderous in writing it； but a more innocent subject would have been in better taste； and would have met the exigencies of the dactyl quite as well。
It is also only fair to myself to say that my rhyming was usually of a more wholesome kind。 I loved Nature as I knew her；in our stern； blustering； stimulating New England；and I chanted the praises of Winter； of snow…storms； and of March winds （I always took pride in my birth month； March）； with hearty delight。
Flowers had begun to bring me messages from their own world when I was a very small child； and they never withdrew their companionship from my thoughts； for there came summers when I could only look out of the mill window and dream about them。
I had one pet window plant of my own； a red rosebush； almost a perpetual bloomer； that I kept beside me at my work for years。 I parted with it only when I went away to the West； and then with regret； for it had been to me like a human little friend。 But the wild flowers had my heart。 I lived and breathed with them； out under the free winds of heaven； and when I could not see them； I wrote about them。 Much that I contributed to those mill…magazine pages； they suggested；my mute teachers； comforters； and inspirers。 It seems to me that any one who does not care for wild flowers misses half the sweetness of this mortal life。
Horace Smith's 〃Hymn to the Flowers〃 was a continual delight to me； after I made its acquaintance。 It seemed as if all the wild blossoms of the woods had wandered in and were twining themselves around the whirring spindles； as I repeated it； verse after verse。 Better still； they drew me out； in fancy； to their own forest…haunts under 〃cloistered boughs；〃 where each swinging 〃floral bell〃 was ringing 〃a call to prayer；〃 and making 〃Sab… bath in the fields。〃
Bryant's 〃Forest Hymn〃 did me an equally beautiful service。 I knew every word of it。 It seemed to me that Bryant understood the very heart and soul of the flowers as hardly anybody else did。 He made me feel as if they were real
