a new england girlhood-第25章
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that I was prepared for the high school。
But alas！ I could not go。 The little money I could earnone dollar a week； besides the price of my boardwas needed in the family； and I must return to the mill。 It was a severe dis… appointment to me； though I did not say so at home。 I did not at all accept the conclusion of a neighbor whom I heard talking about it with my mother。 His daughter was going to the high school； and my mother was telling him how sorry she was that I could not。
〃Oh；〃 he said； in a soothing tone； 〃my girl hasn't got any such head…piece as yours has。 Your girl doesn't need to go。〃
Of course I knew that whatever sort of a 〃head…piece〃 I had； I did need and want just that very opportunity to study。 I think the solution was then formed； inwardly； that I would go to school again； some time； whatever happened。 I went back to my work； but now without enthusiasm。 I had looked through an open door that I was not willing to see shut upon me。
I began to reflect upon life rather seriously for a girl of twelve or thirteen。 What was I here for？ What could I make of myself？ Must I submit to be carried along with the current； and do just what everybody else did？ No： I knew I should not do that； for there was a certain Myself who was always starting up with her own original plan or aspiration before me； and who was quite indifferent as to what people； generally thought。 Well； I would find out what this Myself was good for； and that she should be！ It was but the presumption of extreme youth。 How gladly would I know now； after these long years； just why I was sent into the world； and whether I have in any degree fulfilled the purpose of my being！
In the older times it was seldom said to little girls； as it always has been said to boys； that they ought to have some definite plan； while they were children； what to be and do when they were grown up。 There was usually but one path open before them； to become good wives and housekeepers。 And the ambition of most girls was to follow their mothers' footsteps in this direction； a natural and laudable ambition。 But girls； as well as boys； must often have been conscious of their own peculiar capabilities；must have desired to cultivate and make use of their individual powers。 When I was growing up； they had already begun to be encouraged to do so。 We were often told that it was our duty to develop any talent we might possess； or at least to learn how to do some one thing which the world needed； or which would make it a pleasanter world。
When I thought what I should best like to do； my first dream almost a baby's dreamabout it was that it would be a fine thing to be a schoolteacher； like Aunt Hannah。 Afterward； when I heard that there were artists； I wished I could some time be one。 A slate and pencil； to draw pictures； was my first request whenever a day's ailment kept me at home from school； and I rather enjoyed being a little ill； for the sake of amusing myself in that way。 The wish grew up with me； but there were no good drawing… teachers in those days； and if there had been； the cost of instruction would have been beyond the family means。 My sister Emilie； however； who saw my taste and shared it herself； did her best to assist me； furnishing me with pencil and paper and paint…box。
If I could only make a rose bloom on paper； I thought I should be happy！ or if I could at last succeed in drawing the outline of winter…stripped boughs as I saw them against the sky； it seemed to me that I should be willing to spend years in trying。 I did try a little； and very often。 Jack Frost was my most inspiring teacher。 His sketches on the bedroom window…pane in cold mornings were my ideal studies of Swiss scenery； crags and peaks and chalets and fir…trees；and graceful tracery of ferns； like those that grew in the woods where we went huckleberrying； all blended together by his touch of enchantment。 I wondered whether human fingers ever succeeded in imitating that lovely work。
The taste has followed me all my life through； but I could never indulge it except as a recreation。 I was not to be an artist； and I am rather glad that I was hindered； for I had even stronger in… clinations in other directions； and art； really noble art； requires the entire devotion of a lifetime。
I seldom thought seriously of becoming an author； although it seemed to me that anybody who had written a book would have a right to feel very proud。 But I believed that a person must be exceedingly wise before presuming to attempt it： although now and then I thought I could feel ideas growing in my mind that it might be worth while to put into a book；if I lived and studied until I was forty or fifty years old。
I wrote my little verses； to be sure； but that was nothing； they just grew。 They were the same as breathing or singing。 I could not help writing them； and I thought and dreamed a great many that were ever put on paper。 They seemed to fly into my mind and away again； like birds with a carol through the air。 It seemed strange to me that people should notice them； or should think my writing verses anything peculiar； for I supposed that they were in everybody's mind； just as they were in mine； and that anybody could write them who chose。
One day I heard a relative say to my mother；
〃Keep what she writes till she grows up； and perhaps she will get money for it。 I have heard of somebody who earned a thousand dollars by writing poetry。〃
It sounded so absurd to me。 Money for writing verses！ One dollar would be as ridiculous as a thousand。 I should as soon have thought of being paid for thinking！ My mother； fortunately； was sensible enough never to flatter me or let me be flattered about my scribbling。 It never was allowed to hinder any work I had to do。 I crept away into a corner to write what came into my head； just as I ran away to play； and I looked upon it only as my most agreeable amusement； never thinking of preserving anything which did not of itself stay in my memory。 This too was well； for the time did lot come when I could afford to look upon verse… writing as an occupation。 Through my life； it has only been permitted to me as an aside from other more pressing employments。 Whether I should have written better verses had circumstances left me free to do what I chose； it is impossible now to know。
All my thoughts about my future sent me back to Aunt Hannah and my first infantile idea of being a teacher。 I foresaw that I should be that before I could be or do any thing else。 It had been impressed upon me that I must make myself useful in the world； and certainly one could be useful who could 〃keep school〃 as Aunt Hannah did。 I did not see anything else for a girl to do who wanted to use her brains as well as her hands。 So the plan of preparing myself to be a teacher gradually and almost uncon… sciously shaped itself in my mind as the only practicable one。 I could earn my living in that way；all…important consideration。
I liked the thought of self…support； but I would have chosen some artistic or beautiful work if I could。 I had no especial aptitude for teaching； and no absorbing wish to be a teacher； but it seemed to me that I might succeed if I tried。 What I did like about it was that one must know something first。 I must acquire knowledge before I could impart it； and that was just what I wanted。 I could be a student； wherever I was and whatever else I had to be or do； and I would！
I knew I should write； I could not help doing that； for my hand seemed instinctively to move towards pen and paper in moments of leisure。 But to write anything worth while； I must have mental cultivation； so； in preparing myself to teach； I could also be preparing myself to write。
This was the plan that indefinitely shaped itself in my mind as I returned to my work in the spinning…room； and which I followed out； not without many breaks and hindrances and neglects； during the next six or seven years；to learn all I could； so that I should be fit to teach or to write； as the way opened。 And it turned out that fifteen or twenty of my best years were given to teaching。
VIII。
BY THE RIVER。
IT did not take us younger ones long to get acquainted with our new home； and to love it。
To live beside a river ha
