a new england girlhood-第22章

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It　was　hardest　of　all　for　my　mother；　who　had　been　accustomed　to　depend　entirely　upon　him。　Left　with　her　eight　children；　the　eldest　a　boy　of　eighteen　years；　and　with　no　property　except　the　roof　that　sheltered　us　and　a　small　strip　of　land；　her　situation　was　full　of　perplexities　which　we　little　ones　could　not　at　all　understand。　To　be　fed　like　the　ravens　and　clothed　like　the　grass　of　the　field　seemed　to　me；　for　one；　a　perfectly　natural　thing；　and　I　often　wondered　why　my　mother　was　so　fretted　and　anxious。

I　knew　that　she　believed　in　God；　and　in　the　promises　of　the　Bible；　and　yet　she　seemed　sometimes　to　forget　everything　but　her　troubles　and　her　helplessness。　I　felt　almost　like　preaching　to　her；　but　I　was　too　small　a　child　to　do　that；　I　well　knew；　so　I　did　the　next　best　thing　I　could　think　ofI　sang　hymns　as　if　singing　to　myself；　while　I　meant　them　for　her。　Sitting　at　the　window　with　my　book　and　my　knitting；　while　she　was　preparing　dinner　or　supper　with　a　depressed　air　because　she　missed　the　abundant　provision　to　which　she　held　been　accustomed；　I　would　go　from　hymn　to　hymn；　selecting　those　which　I　thought　would　be　most　comforting　to　her；　out　of　the　many　that　my　memory…book　contained；　and　taking　care　to　pronounce　the　words　distinctly。

I　was　glad　to　observe　that　she　listened　to

〃Come；　ye　disconsolate；〃

and

〃How　firm　a　foundation；〃

and　that　she　grew　more　cheerful；　though　I　did　not　feel　sure　that　my　singing　cheered　her　so　much　as　some　happier　thought　that　had　come　to　her　out　of　her　own　heart。　Nobody　but　my　mother；　indeed；　would　have　called　my　chirping　singing。　But　as　she　did　not　seem　displeased；　I　went　on；　a　little　more　confidently；　with　some　hymns　that　I　loved　for　their　starry　suggestions；

〃When　marshaled　on　the　nightly　plain；〃

and

〃Brightest　and　best　of　the　sons　of　the　morning；〃

and

〃Watchman；　tell　us　of　the　night？〃

The　most　beautiful　picture　in　the　Bible　to　me；　certainly　the　loveliest　in　the　Old　Testament；　had　always　been　that　one　painted　by　prophecy；　of　the　time　when　wild　and　tame　creatures　should　live　together　in　peace；　and　children　should　be　their　fearless　play…　mates。　Even　the　savage　wolf　Poverty　would　be　pleasant　and　neighborly　then；　no　doubt！　A　Little　Child　among　them；　leading　them；　stood　looking　wistfully　down　through　the　soft　sunrise　of　that　approaching　day；　into　the　cold　and　darkness　of　the　world。　Oh；　it　would　be　so　much　better　than　the　garden　of　Eden！

Yes；　and　it　would　be　a　great　deal　better；　I　thought；　to　live　in　the　millennium；　than　even　to　die　and　go　to　heaven；　although　so　many　people　around　me　talked　as　if　that　were　the　most　desirable　thing　of　all。　But　I　could　never　understand　why；　if　God　sent　us　here；　we　should　be　in　haste　to　get　away；　even　to　go　to　a　pleas…　anter　place。

I　was　perplexed　by　a　good　many　matters　besides。　I　had　learned　to　keep　most　of　my　thoughts　to　myself；　but　I　did　venture　to　ask　about　the　Ressurrectionhow　it　was　that　those　who　had　died　and　gone　straight　to　heaven；　and　had　been　singing　there　for　thousands　of　years；　could　have　any　use　for　the　dust　to　which　their　bodies　had　returned。　Were　they　not　already　as　alive　as　they　could　be？　I　found　that　there　were　different　ideas　of　the　resurrection　among　〃orthodox〃　people；　even　then。　I　was　told　however；　that　this　was　too　deep　a　matter　for　me；　and　so　I　ceased　asking　questions。　But　I　pondered　the　matter　of　death；　what　did　it　mean？　The　Apostle　Paul　gave　me　more　light　on　the　subject　than　any　of　the　ministers　did。　And；　as　usual；　a　poem　helped　me。　It　was　Pope's　Ode；　beginning　with；

〃Vital　spark　of　heavenly　flame；〃

which　I　learned　out　of　a　reading…book。　To　die　was　to　〃languish　into　life。〃　That　was　the　meaning　of　it！　and　I　loved　to　repeat　to　myself　the　words；

〃Hark！　they　whisper：　angels　say；　'Sister　spirit；　come　away！'〃

〃The　world　recedes；　it　disappears！　Heaven　opens　on　my　eyes！　my　ears　With　sounds　seraphic　ring。〃

A　hymn　that　I　learned　a　little　later　expressedto　me　the　same　satisfying　thought：


〃For　strangers　into　life　we　come；　And　dying　is　but　going　home。〃

The　Apostle's　words；　with　which　the　song　of　〃The　Dying　Christian　to　his　Soul〃　ends；　left　the　whole　cloudy　question　lit　up　with　sunshine；　to　my　childish　thoughts：

〃O　grave；　where　is　thy　'victory？　O　death；　where　is　thy　sting？〃

My　father　was　dead；　but　that　only　meant　that　be　bad　gone　to　a　better　home　than　the　one　be　lived　in　with　us；　and　by　and　by　we　should　go　home；　too。

Meanwhile　the　millennium　was　coming；　and　some　people　thought　it　was　very　near。　And　what　was　the　millennium？　Why；　the　time　when　everybody　on　earth　would　live　just　as　they　do　in　heaven。　Nobody　would　be　selfish；　nobody　would　be　unkind；　no！　not　so　much　as　in　a　single　thought。　What　a　delightful　world　this　would　be　to　live　in　then！　Heaven　itself　could　scarcely　be　much　better！　Perhaps　people　would　not　die　at　all；　but；　when　the　right　time　came；　would　slip　quietly　away　into　heaven；　just　as　Enoch　did。

My　father　had　believed　in　the　near　millennium。　His　very　last　writing；　in　his　sick…room；　was　a　penciled　computation；　from　the　prophets；　of　the　time　when　it　would　begin。　The　first　minister　who　preached　in　our　church；　long　before　I　was　born；　had　studied　the　subject　much；　and　had　written　books　upon　this；　his　favorite　theme。　The　thought　of　it　was　continually　breaking　out；　like　bloom　and　sunshine；　from　the　stern　doctrines　of　the　period。

One　question　in　this　connection　puzzled　me　a　good　deal。　Were　people　going　to　be　made　good　in　spite　of　themselves；　whether　they　wanted　to　or　not？　And　what　would　be　done　with　the　bad　ones；　if　there　were　any　left？　I　did　not　like　to　think　of　their　being　killed　off；　and　yet　everybody　must　be　good；　or　it　would　not　be　a　true　millennium。

It　certainly　would　not　matter　much　who　was　rich；　and　who　was　poor；　if　goodness；　and　not　money；　was　the　thing　everybody　cared　for。　Oh；　if　the　millennium　would　only　begin　now！　I　felt　as　if　it　were　hardly　fair　to　me　that　I　should　not　be　here　during　those　happy　thousand　years；　when　I　wanted　to　so　much。　But　I　had　not　lived　even　my　short　life　in　the　world　without　leading　something　of　my　own　faults　and　perversities；　and　when　I　saw　that　there　was　no　sign　of　an　approaching　millennium　in　my　heart　I　had　to　conclude　that　it　might　be　a　great　way　off；　after　all。　Yet　the　very　thought　of　it　brought　warmth　and　illumination　to　my　dreams　by　day　and　by　night。　It　was　coming；　some　time！　And　the　people　who　were　in　heaven　would　be　as　glad　of　it　as　those　who　remained　on　earth。

That　it　was　a　hard　world　for　my　mother　and　her　children　to　live　in　at　present　I　could　not　help　seeing。　The　older　members　of　the　family　found　occupations　by　which　the　domestic　burdens　were　lifted　a　little；　but；　with　only　the　three　youngest　to　clothe　and　to　keep　at　school；　there　was　still　much　more　outgo　than　income；　and　my　mother's　discouragement　every　day　increased。

My　eldest　brother　had　gone　to　sea　with　a　relative　who　was　master　of　a　merchant　vessel　in　the　South　American　trade。　His　inclination　led　him　that　way；　it　seemed　to　open　before　him　a　prospect　of　profitable　business；　and　my　mother　looked　upon　him　as　her　future　stay　and　support。

One　day　she　came　in　among　us　children　looking　strangely　excited。　I　heard　her　tell　some　one　afterwards　that　she　had　just　been　to　hear　Father　Taylor　preach；　the　sailors　minister；　whose　coming　to　our　town　must　have　been　a　rare　occurrence。　His　words　had　touched　her　personally；　for　he　had　spoken　to　mothers　whose　first…born　had　left　them　to　venture　upon　strange　seas　and　to　seek　unknown　lands。　He　had　even　given　to　the　wanderer　he　described　the　name　of　her　own　absent　son　Benjamin。　〃As　she　left　the　church　she　met　a　neighbor　who　informed　her　that　the　brig　〃Mexican〃　had　arrived　at　Salem；　in　trouble。　It　was　the　vessel　in　which　my　brother　had　sailed　only　a　short　time　before；　expecting　to　be　absent　for　months。　〃Pirates〃　was　the　only　word　we　children　caught；　as　she　hastened　away　from　the　house；　not　knowing　whether　her　son　was　alive　or　not。　Fortunately；　the　news　hardly　reached　the　town　before　my　brother　himself　did。　She　met　him　in　the　street；　and　brought　him　home　with　her；　forgetting　all　her　anxieties　in　her　joy　at　his　safety。

The　〃Mexican〃　had　been　attacked　on　the　high　seas　by　the　piratical　craft　〃Panda；〃　robbed　of　twenty　thousand　dollars　in　specie；　se

fire；　and