the lily of the valley(幽谷百合)-第69章
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travelling dress； into a salon where I found her sumptuously dressed
and surrounded by four persons。 Lord Dudley； one of the most
distinguished old statesmen of England； was standing with his back to
the fireplace； stiff； haughty； frigid； with the sarcastic air he
doubtless wore in parliament； he smiled when he heard my name。
Arabella's two children； who were amazingly like de Marsay （a natural
son of the old lord）； were near their mother； de Marsay himself was on
the sofa beside her。 As soon as Arabella saw me she assumed a distant
air； and glanced at my travelling cap as if to ask what brought me
there。 She looked me over from head to foot； as though I were some
country gentlemen just presented to her。 As for our intimacy； that
eternal passion； those vows of suicide if I ceased to love her； those
visions of Armida； all had vanished like a dream。 I had never clasped
her hand； I was a stranger； she knew me not。 In spite of the
diplomatic self…possession to which I was gradually being trained； I
was confounded； and all others in my place would have felt the same。
De Marsay smiled at his boots； which he examined with remarkable
interest。 I decided at once upon my course。 From any other woman I
should modestly have accepted my defeat； but； outraged at the glowing
appearance of the heroine who had vowed to die for love； and who had
scoffed at the woman who was really dead； I resolved to meet insolence
with insolence。 She knew very well the misfortunes of Lady Brandon； to
remind her of them was to send a dagger to her heart； though the
weapon might be blunted by the blow。
〃Madame；〃 I said； 〃I am sure you will pardon my unceremonious
entrance； when I tell you that I have just arrived from Touraine； and
that Lady Brandon has given me a message for you which allows of no
delay。 I feared you had already started for Lancashire； but as you are
still in Paris I will await your orders at any hour you may be pleased
to appoint。〃
She bowed； and I left the room。 Since that day I have only met her in
society； where we exchange a friendly bow； and occasionally a sarcasm。
I talk to her of the inconsolable women of Lancashire； she makes
allusion to Frenchwomen who dignify their gastric troubles by calling
them despair。 Thanks to her； I have a mortal enemy in de Marsay； of
whom she is very fond。 In return； I call her the wife of two
generations。
So my disaster was complete； it lacked nothing。 I followed the plan I
had laid out for myself during my retreat at Sache； I plunged into
work and gave myself wholly to science； literature； and politics。 I
entered the diplomatic service on the accession of Charles X。； who
suppressed the employment I held under the late king。 From that moment
I was firmly resolved to pay no further attention to any woman； no
matter how beautiful； witty； or loving she might be。 This
determination succeeded admirably； I obtained a really marvellous
tranquillity of mind； and great powers of work； and I came to
understand how much these women waste our lives； believing； all the
while； that a few gracious words will repay us。
Butall my resolutions came to naught； you know how and why。 Dear
Natalie； in telling you my life； without reserve； without concealment；
precisely as I tell it to myself； in relating to you feelings in which
you have had no share； perhaps I have wounded some corner of your
sensitive and jealous heart。 But that which might anger a common woman
will be to youI feel sure of itan additional reason for loving me。
Noble women have indeed a sublime mission to fulfil to suffering and
sickened hearts；the mission of the sister of charity who stanches
the wound； of the mother who forgives a child。 Artists and poets are
not the only ones who suffer； men who work for their country； for the
future destiny of the nations； enlarging thus the circle of their
passions and their thoughts； often make for themselves a cruel
solitude。 They need a pure； devoted love beside them；believe me；
they understand its grandeur and its worth。
To…morrow I shall know if I have deceived myself in loving you。
Felix。
ANSWER TO THE ENVOI
Madame la Comtesse Natalie de Manerville to Monsieur le Comte
Felix de Vandenesse。
Dear Count；You received a letter from poor Madame de Mortsauf；
which； you say； was of use in guiding you through the world；a
letter to which you owe your distinguished career。 Permit me to
finish your education。
Give up； I beg of you； a really dreadful habit； do not imitate
certain widows who talk of their first husband and throw the
virtues of the deceased in the face of their second。 I am a
Frenchwoman； dear count； I wish to marry the whole of the man I
love； and I really cannot marry Madame de Mortsauf too。 Having
read your tale with all the attention it deserves；and you know
the interest I feel in you；it seems to me that you must have
wearied Lady Dudley with the perfections of Madame de Mortsauf；
and done great harm to the countess by overwhelming her with the
experiences of your English love。 Also you have failed in tact to
me； poor creature without other merit than that of pleasing you；
you have given me to understand that I cannot love as Henriette or
Arabella loved you。 I acknowledge my imperfections； I know them；
but why so roughly make me feel them？
Shall I tell you whom I pity？the fourth woman whom you love。 She
will be forced to struggle against three others。 Therefore； in
your interests as well as in hers； I must warn you against the
dangers of your tale。 For myself； I renounce the laborious glory
of loving you；it needs too many virtues； Catholic or Anglican；
and I have no fancy for rivalling phantoms。 The virtues of the
virgin of Clochegourde would dishearten any woman； however sure of
herself she might be； and your intrepid English amazon discourages
even a wish for that sort of happiness。 No matter what a poor
woman may do； she can never hope to give you the joys she will
aspire to give。 Neither heart nor senses can triumph against these
memories of yours。 I own that I have never been able to warm the
sunshine chilled for you by the death of your sainted Henriette。 I
have felt you shuddering beside me。
My friend；for you will always be my friend；never make such
confidences again； they lay bare your disillusions； they
discourage love； and compel a woman to feel doubtful of herself。
Love； dear count； can only live on trustfulness。 The woman who
before she says a word or mounts her horse； must ask herself
whether a celestial Henriette might not have spoken better；
whether a rider like Arabella was not more graceful； that woman
you may be very sure； will tremble in all her members。 You
certainly have given me a desire to receive a few of those
intoxicating bouquetsbut you say you will make no more。 There
are many other things you dare no longer do； thoughts and
enjoyments you can never reawaken。 No woman； and you ought to know
this； will be willing to elbow in your heart the phantom whom you
hold there。
You ask me to love you out of Christian charity。 I could do much；
I candidly admit； for charity； in fact I could do allexcept
love。 You are sometimes wearisome and wearied； you call your
dulness melancholy。 Very good；so be it； but all the same it is
intolerable； and causes much cruel anxiety to one who loves you。 I
have often found the grave of that saint between us。 I have
searched my own heart； I know myself； and I own I do not wish to
die as she did。 If you tired out Lady Dudley； who is a very
distinguished woman； I； who have not her passionate desires；
should； I fear； turn coldly against you even sooner than she did。
Come； let us suppress love between us； inasmuch as you can find
happiness only with the dead； and let us be merely friendsI wish
it。
Ah！ my dear count； what a history you have told me！ At your
entrance into life you found an adorable woman； a perfect
mistress； who thought of your future； made you a peer； loved you
to distraction； only asked that you would be faithful to her； and
you killed her！ I know nothing more monstro
