the lily of the valley(幽谷百合)-第67章
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thought。 〃Thought；〃 he said to me； 〃is involuntary； but it can be
watched even in the midst of anguish。〃 〃If I think；〃 I replied；
〃all will be lost； save me from myself。 Let him remain beside me
and keep me pure！〃 The good old man； though stern； was moved by my
sincerity。 〃Love him as you would a son； and give him your
daughter；〃 he said。 I accepted bravely that life of suffering that
I might not lose you； and I suffered joyfully； seeing that we were
called to bear the same yokeMy God！ I have been firm； faithful
to my husband； I have given you no foothold； Felix； in your
kingdom。 The grandeur of my passion has reacted on my character； I
have regarded the tortures Monsieur de Mortsauf has inflicted on
me as expiations； I bore them proudly in condemnation of my faulty
desires。 Formerly I was disposed to murmur at my life； but since
you entered it I have recovered some gaiety； and this has been the
better for the count。 Without this strength； which I derived
through you； I should long since have succumbed to the inward life
of which I told you。
If you have counted for much in the exercise of my duty so have my
children also。 I felt I had deprived them of something； and I
feared I could never do enough to make amends to them； my life was
thus a continual struggle which I loved。 Feeling that I was less a
mother； less an honest wife； remorse entered my heart； fearing to
fail in my obligations； I constantly went beyond them。 Often have
I put Madeleine between you and me； giving you to each other；
raising barriers between us；barriers that were powerless！ for
what could stifle the emotions which you caused me？ Absent or
present； you had the same power。 I preferred Madeleine to Jacques
because Madeleine was sometime to be yours。 But I did not yield
you to my daughter without a struggle。 I told myself that I was
only twenty…eight when I first met you； and you were nearly
twenty…two； I shortened the distance between us； I gave myself up
to delusive hopes。 Oh； Felix！ I tell you these things to save you
from remorse； also； perhaps； to show you that I was not cold and
insensible； that our sufferings were cruelly mutual； that Arabella
had no superiority of love over mine。 I too am the daughter of a
fallen race； such as men love well。
There came a moment when the struggle was so terrible that I wept
the long nights through； my hair fell off；you have it！ Do you
remember the count's illness？ Your nobility of soul far from
raising my soul belittled it。 Alas！ I dreamed of giving myself to
you some day as the reward of so much heroism； but the folly was a
brief one。 I laid it at the feet of God during the mass that day
when you refused to be with me。 Jacques' illness and Madeleine's
sufferings seemed to me the warnings of God calling back to Him
His lost sheep。
Then your lovewhich is so naturalfor that Englishwoman
revealed to me secrets of which I had no knowledge。 I loved you
better than I knew。 The constant emotions of this stormy life； the
efforts that I made to subdue myself with no other succor than
that religion gave me； all； all has brought about the malady of
which I die。 The terrible shocks I have undergone brought on
attacks about which I kept silence。 I saw in death the sole
solution of this hidden tragedy。 A lifetime of anger； jealousy；
and rage lay in those two months between the time my mother told
me of your relations with Lady Dudley； and your return to
Clochegourde。 I wished to go to Paris； murder was in my heart； I
desired that woman's death； I was indifferent to my children。
Prayer； which had hitherto been to me a balm； was now without
influence on my soul。 Jealousy made the breach through which death
has entered。 And yet I have kept a placid brow。 Yes； that period
of struggle was a secret between God and myself。 After your return
and when I saw that I was loved； even as I loved you； that nature
had betrayed me and not your thought； I wished to live；it was
then too late！ God had taken me under His protection； filled no
doubt with pity for a being true with herself； true with Him；
whose sufferings had often led her to the gates of the sanctuary。
My beloved！ God has judged me； Monsieur de Mortsauf will pardon
me； but youwill you be merciful？ Will you listen to this voice
which now issues from my tomb？ Will you repair the evils of which
we are equally guilty？you； perhaps； less than I。 You know what I
wish to ask of you。 Be to Monsieur de Mortsauf what a sister of
charity is to a sick man； listen to him； love himno one loves
him。 Interpose between him and his children as I have done。 Your
task will not be a long one。 Jacques will soon leave home to be in
Paris near his grandfather； and you have long promised me to guide
him through the dangers of that life。 As for Madeleine； she will
marry； I pray that you may please her。 She is all myself； but
stronger； she has the will in which I am lacking； the energy
necessary for the companion of a man whose career destines him to
the storms of political life； she is clever and perceptive。 If
your lives are united she will be happier than her mother。 By
acquiring the right to continue my work at Clochegourde you will
blot out the faults I have not sufficiently expiated； though they
are pardoned in heaven and also on earth； for HE is generous and
will forgive me。 You see I am ever selfish； is it not the proof of
a despotic love？ I wish you to still love me in mine。 Unable to be
yours in life； I bequeath to you my thoughts and also my duties。
If you do not wish to marry Madeleine you will at least seek the
repose of my soul by making Monsieur de Mortsauf as happy as he
ever can be。
Farewell； dear child of my heart； this is the farewell of a mind
absolutely sane； still full of life； the farewell of a spirit on
which thou hast shed too many and too great joys to suffer thee to
feel remorse for the catastrophe they have caused。 I use that word
〃catastrophe〃 thinking of you and how you love me； as for me； I
reach the haven of my rest； sacrificed to duty and not without
regretah！ I tremble at that thought。 God knows better than I
whether I have fulfilled his holy laws in accordance with their
spirit。 Often； no doubt； I have tottered； but I have not fallen；
the most potent cause of my wrong…doing lay in the grandeur of the
seductions that encompassed me。 The Lord will behold me trembling
when I enter His presence as though I had succumbed。 Farewell
again； a long farewell like that I gave last night to our dear
valley； where I soon shall rest and where you will oftenwill you
not？return。
Henriette。
I fell into an abyss of terrible reflections； as I perceived the
depths unknown of the life now lighted up by this expiring flame。 The
clouds of my egotism rolled away。 She had suffered as much as Imore
than I； for she was dead。 She believed that others would be kind to
her friend； she was so blinded by love that she had never so much as
suspected the enmity of her daughter。 That last proof of her
tenderness pained me terribly。 Poor Henriette wished to give me
Clochegourde and her daughter。
Natalie； from that dread day when first I entered a graveyard
following the remains of my noble Henriette； whom now you know； the
sun has been less warm； less luminous； the nights more gloomy；
movement less agile； thought more dull。 There are some departed whom
we bury in the earth； but there are others more deeply loved for whom
our souls are winding…sheets； whose memory mingles daily with our
heart…beats； we think of them as we breathe； they are in us by the
tender law of a metempsychosis special to love。 A soul is within my
soul。 When some good thing is done by me； when some true word is
spoken； that soul acts and speaks。 All that is good within me issues
from that grave； as the fragrance of a lily fills the air； sarcasm；
bitterness； all that you blame in me is mine。 Natalie； when next my
eyes are darkened by a cloud or raised to heaven after long
contemplation of earth； when my
