the lily of the valley(幽谷百合)-第66章
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had never had the intimate communion which keeps feeling alive； they
had shared neither pains nor pleasures； those strong links which tear
us by a thousand edges when broken； because they touch on all our
fibers； and are fastened to the inmost recesses of our hearts。
Another consideration forbade my return to Clochegourde；Madeleine's
hostility。 That hard young girl was not disposed to modify her hatred
beside her mother's coffin。 Between the count； who would have talked
to me incessantly of himself； and the new mistress of the house； who
would have shown me invincible dislike； I should have found myself
horribly annoyed。 To be treated thus where once the very flowers
welcomed me； where the steps of the portico had a voice； where my
memory clothed with poetry the balconies； the fountains； the
balustrades； the trees； the glimpses of the valleys！ to be hated where
I once was lovedthe thought was intolerable to me。 So； from the
first； my mind was made up。
Alas！ alas！ was this the end of the keenest love that ever entered the
heart of man？ To the eyes of strangers my conduct might be
reprehensible； but it had the sanction of my own conscience。 It is
thus that the noblest feelings； the sublimest dramas of our youth must
end。 We start at dawn； as I from Tours to Clochegourde； we clutch the
world； our hearts hungry for love； then； when our treasure is in the
crucible； when we mingle with men and circumstances； all becomes
gradually debased and we find but little gold among the ashes。 Such is
life！ life as it is； great pretensions； small realities。 I meditated
long about myself； debating what I could do after a blow like this
which had mown down every flower of my soul。 I resolved to rush into
the science of politics； into the labyrinth of ambition； to cast woman
from my life and to make myself a statesman； cold and passionless； and
so remain true to the saint I loved。 My thoughts wandered into far…off
regions while my eyes were fastened on the splendid tapestry of the
yellowing oaks； the stern summits； the bronzed foothills。 I asked
myself if Henriette's virtue were not； after all； that of ignorance；
and if I were indeed guilty of her death。 I fought against remorse。 At
last； in the sweetness of an autumn midday； one of those last smiles
of heaven which are so beautiful in Touraine； I read the letter which
at her request I was not to open before her death。 Judge of my
feelings as I read it。
Madame de Mortsauf to the Vicomte Felix de Vandenesse：
Felix； friend； loved too well； I must now lay bare my heart to
you；not so much to prove my love as to show you the weight of
obligation you have incurred by the depth and gravity of the
wounds you have inflicted on it。 At this moment； when I sink
exhausted by the toils of life； worn out by the shocks of its
battle； the woman within me is； mercifully； dead； the mother alone
survives。 Dear； you are now to see how it was that you were the
original cause of all my sufferings。 Later； I willingly received
your blows； to…day I am dying of the final wound your hand has
given；but there is joy； excessive joy in feeling myself
destroyed by him I love。
My physical sufferings will soon put an end to my mental strength；
I therefore use the last clear gleams of intelligence to implore
you to befriend my children and replace the heart of which you
have deprived them。 I would solemnly impose this duty upon you if
I loved you less； but I prefer to let you choose it for yourself
as an act of sacred repentance； and also in faithful continuance
of your lovelove； for us； was ever mingled with repentant
thoughts and expiatory fears！ butI know it wellwe shall
forever love each other。 Your wrong to me was not so fatal an act
in itself as the power which I let it have within me。 Did I not
tell you I was jealous； jealous unto death？ Well； I die of it。
But； be comforted； we have kept all human laws。 The Church has
told me； by one of her purest voices； that God will be forgiving
to those who subdue their natural desires to His commandments。 My
beloved； you are now to know all； for I would not leave you in
ignorance of any thought of mine。 What I confide to God in my last
hour you； too； must know；you； king of my heart as He is King of
Heaven。
Until the ball given to the Duc d'Angouleme （the only ball at
which I was ever present）； marriage had left me in that ignorance
which gives to the soul of a young girl the beauty of the angels。
True； I was a mother； but love had never surrounded me with its
permitted pleasures。 How did this happen？ I do not know； neither
do I know by what law everything within me changed in a moment。
You remember your kisses？ they have mastered my life； they have
furrowed my soul； the ardor of your blood awoke the ardor of mine；
your youth entered my youth； your desires my soul。 When I rose and
left you proudly I was filled with an emotion for which I know no
name in any languagefor children have not yet found a word to
express the marriage of their eyes with light； nor the kiss of
life laid upon their lips。 Yes； it was sound coming in the echo；
light flashing through the darkness； motion shaking the universe；
at least； it was rapid like all these things； but far more
beautiful； for it was the birth of the soul！ I comprehended then
that something； I knew not what； existed for me in the world；a
force nobler than thought； for it was all thoughts； all forces； it
was the future itself in a shared emotion。 I felt I was but half a
mother。 Falling thus upon my heart this thunderbolt awoke desires
which slumbered there without my knowledge； suddenly I divined all
that my aunt had meant when she kissed my forehead； murmuring；
〃Poor Henriette！〃
When I returned to Clochegourde； the springtime； the first leaves；
the fragrance of the flowers； the white and fleecy clouds； the
Indre； the sky； all spoke to me in a language till then unknown。
If you have forgotten those terrible kisses； I have never been
able to efface them from my memory；I am dying of them！ Yes； each
time that I have met you since； their impress is revived。 I was
shaken from head to foot when I first saw you； the mere
presentiment of your coming overcame me。 Neither time nor my firm
will has enabled me to conquer that imperious sense of pleasure。 I
asked myself involuntarily； 〃What must be such joys？〃 Our mutual
looks； the respectful kisses you laid upon my hand； the pressure
of my arm on yours； your voice with its tender tones；all； even
the slightest things； shook me so violently that clouds obscured
my sight； the murmur of rebellious senses filled my ears。 Ah！ if
in those moments when outwardly I increased my coldness you had
taken me in your arms I should have died of happiness。 Sometimes I
desired it； but prayer subdued the evil thought。 Your name uttered
by my children filled my heart with warmer blood； which gave color
to my cheeks； I laid snares for my poor Madeleine to induce her to
say it； so much did I love the tumults of that sensation。 Ah！ what
shall I say to you？ Your writing had a charm； I gazed at your
letters as we look at a portrait。
If on that first day you obtained some fatal power over me；
conceive； dear friend； how infinite that power became when it was
given to me to read your soul。 What delights filled me when I
found you so pure； so absolutely truthful； gifted with noble
qualities； capable of noblest things； and already so tried！ Man
and child； timid yet brave！ What joy to find we both were
consecrated by a common grief！ Ever since that evening when we
confided our childhoods to each other； I have known that to lose
you would be death；yes； I have kept you by me selfishly。 The
certainty felt by Monsieur de la Berge that I should die if I lost
you touched him deeply； for he read my soul。 He knew how necessary
I was to my children and the count； he did not command me to
forbid you my house； for I promised to continue pure in deed and
thought。 〃Thought；〃 he said to me； 〃is involuntary； but it can be
watched even in the mid
