the lily of the valley(幽谷百合)-第58章
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〃Then I stay；〃 I said； kissing her on the eyelids。
Frightened at the words； she escaped from my arms and leaned against a
tree； then she turned and walked rapidly homeward without looking
back。 But I followed her； she was weeping and praying。 When we reached
the lawn I took her hand and kissed it respectfully。 This submission
touched her。
〃I am yoursforever； and as you will；〃 I said； 〃for I love you as
your aunt loved you。〃
She trembled and wrung my hand。
〃One look；〃 I said； 〃one more； one last of our old looks！ The woman
who gives herself wholly；〃 I cried； my soul illumined by the glance
she gave me； 〃gives less of life and soul than I have now received。
Henriette； thou art my best…belovedmy only love。〃
〃I shall live！〃 she said； 〃but cure yourself as well。〃
That look had effaced the memory of Arabella's sarcasms。 Thus I was
the plaything of the two irreconcilable passions I have now described
to you； I was influenced by each alternately。 I loved an angel and a
demon； two women equally beautiful；one adorned with all the virtues
which we decry through hatred of our own imperfections； the other with
all the vices which we deify through selfishness。 Returning along that
avenue； looking back again and again at Madame de Mortsauf； as she
leaned against a tree surrounded by her children who waved their
handkerchiefs； I detected in my soul an emotion of pride in finding
myself the arbiter of two such destinies； the glory； in ways so
different； of women so distinguished； proud of inspiring such great
passions that death must come to whichever I abandoned。 Ah！ believe
me； that passing conceit has been doubly punished！
I know not what demon prompted me to remain with Arabella and await
the moment when the death of the count might give me Henriette； for
she would ever love me。 Her harshness； her tears； her remorse； her
Christian resignation； were so many eloquent signs of a sentiment that
could no more be effaced from her heart than from mine。 Walking slowly
down that pretty avenue and making these reflections； I was no longer
twenty…five； I was fifty years old。 A man passes in a moment； even
more quickly than a woman； from youth to middle age。 Though long ago I
drove these evil thoughts away from me； I was then possessed by them；
I must avow it。 Perhaps I owed their presence in my mind to the
Tuileries； to the king's cabinet。 Who could resist the polluting
spirit of Louis XVIII。？
When I reached the end of the avenue I turned and rushed back in the
twinkling of an eye； seeing that Henriette was still there； and alone！
I went to bid her a last farewell； bathed in repentant tears； the
cause of which she never knew。 Tears sincere indeed； given； although I
knew it not； to noble loves forever lost； to virgin emotionsthose
flowers of our life which cannot bloom again。 Later； a man gives
nothing； he receives； he loves himself in his mistress； but in youth
he loves his mistress in himself。 Later； we inoculate with our tastes；
perhaps our vices； the woman who loves us； but in the dawn of life she
whom we love conveys to us her virtues； her conscience。 She invites us
with a smile to the noble life； from her we learn the self…devotion
which she practises。 Woe to the man who has not had his Henriette。 Woe
to that other one who has never known a Lady Dudley。 The latter； if he
marries； will not be able to keep his wife； the other will be
abandoned by his mistress。 But joy to him who can find the two women
in one woman； happy the man； dear Natalie； whom you love。
After my return to Paris Arabella and I became more intimate than
ever。 Soon we insensibly abandoned all the conventional restrictions I
had carefully imposed； the strict observance of which often makes the
world forgive the false position in which Lady Dudley had placed
herself。 Society； which delights in looking behind appearances；
sanctions much as soon as it knows the secrets they conceal。 Lovers
who live in the great world make a mistake in flinging down these
barriers exacted by the law of salons； they do wrong not to obey
scrupulously all conventions which the manners and customs of a
community impose；less for the sake of others than for their own。
Outward respect to be maintained； comedies to play； concealments to be
managed； all such strategy of love occupies the life； renews desire；
and protects the heart against the palsy of habit。 But all young
passions； being； like youth itself； essentially spendthrift； raze
their forests to the ground instead of merely cutting the timber。
Arabella adopted none of these bourgeois ideas； and yielded to them
only to please me； she wished to exhibit me to the eyes of all Paris
as her 〃sposo。〃 She employed her powers of seduction to keep me under
her roof； for she was not content with a rumored scandal which； for
want of proof； was only whispered behind the fans。 Seeing her so happy
in committing an imprudence which frankly admitted her position； how
could I help believing in her love？
But no sooner was I plunged into the comforts of illegal marriage than
despair seized upon me； I saw my life bound to a course in direct
defiance of the ideas and the advice given me by Henriette。
Thenceforth I lived in the sort of rage we find in consumptive
patients who； knowing their end is near； cannot endure that their
lungs should be examined。 There was no corner in my heart where I
could fly to escape suffering； an avenging spirit filled me
incessantly with thoughts on which I dared not dwell。 My letters to
Henriette depicted this moral malady and did her infinite harm。 〃At
the cost of so many treasures lost； I wished you to be at least
happy；〃 she wrote in the only answer I received。 But I was not happy。
Dear Natalie； happiness is absolute； it allows of no comparisons。 My
first ardor over； I necessarily compared the two women；a contrast I
had never yet studied。 In fact； all great passions press so strongly
on the character that at first they check its asperities and cover the
track of habits which constitute our defects and our better qualities。
But later； when two lovers are accustomed to each other； the features
of their moral physiognomies reappear； they mutually judge each other；
and it often happens during this reaction of the character after
passion； that natural antipathies leading to disunion （which
superficial people seize upon to accuse the human heart of
instability） come to the surface。 This period now began with me。 Less
blinded by seductions； and dissecting； as it were； my pleasure； I
undertook； without perhaps intending to do so； a critical examination
of Lady Dudley which resulted to her injury。
In the first place； I found her wanting in the qualities of mind which
distinguish Frenchwomen and make them so delightful to love； as all
those who have had the opportunity of loving in both countries
declare。 When a Frenchwoman loves she is metamorphosed； her noted
coquetry is used to deck her love； she abandons her dangerous vanity
and lays no claim to any merit but that of loving well。 She espouses
the interests； the hatreds； the friendships； of the man she loves； she
acquires in a day the experience of a man of business； she studies the
code； she comprehends the mechanism of credit； and could manage a
banker's office； naturally heedless and prodigal； she will make no
mistakes and waste not a single louis。 She becomes； in turn； mother；
adviser； doctor； giving to all her transformations a grace of
happiness which reveals； in its every detail； her infinite love。 She
combines the special qualities of the women of other countries and
gives unity to the mixture by her wit； that truly French product；
which enlivens； sanctions； justifies； and varies all； thus relieving
the monotony of a sentiment which rests on a single tense of a single
verb。 The Frenchwoman loves always； without abatement and without
fatigue； in public or in solitude。 In public she uses a tone which has
meaning for one only； she speaks by silence； she looks at you with
lowered eyelids。 If the occasion prevents both speech and look she
will use the sand and write a word with the point of her little foot；
her love will find expression even in sleep； in
