the lily of the valley(幽谷百合)-第46章

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being　understood。

The　countess　wished　to　return　thanks　to　God　for　the　count's　recovery；
she　directed　a　mass　to　be　said；　and　asked　if　I　would　take　her　to
church。　I　did　so；　but　I　left　her　at　the　door；　and　went　to　see　Monsieur
and　Madame　Chessel。　On　my　return　she　reproached　me。

〃Henriette；〃　I　said；　〃I　cannot　be　false。　I　will　throw　myself　into　the
water　to　save　my　enemy　from　drowning；　and　give　him　my　coat　to　keep　him
warm；　I　will　forgive　him；　but　I　cannot　forget　the　wrong。〃

She　was　silent；　but　she　pressed　my　arm。

〃You　are　an　angel；　and　you　were　sincere　in　your　thanksgiving；〃　I　said；
continuing。　〃The　mother　of　the　Prince　of　the　Peace　was　saved　from　the
hands　of　an　angry　populace　who　sought　to　kill　her；　and　when　the　queen
asked；　'What　did　you　do？'　she　answered；　'I　prayed　for　them。'　Women　are
ever　thus。　I　am　a　man；　and　necessarily　imperfect。〃

〃Don't　calumniate　yourself；〃　she　said；　shaking　my　arm；　〃perhaps　you
are　more　worthy　than　I。〃

〃Yes；〃　I　replied；　〃for　I　would　give　eternity　for　a　day　of　happiness；
and　you〃

〃I！〃　she　said　haughtily。

I　was　silent　and　lowered　my　eyes　to　escape　the　lightning　of　hers。

〃There　is　many　an　I　in　me；〃　she　said。　〃Of　which　do　you　speak？　Those
children；〃　pointing　to　Jacques　and　Madeleine；　〃are　oneFelix；〃　she
cried　in　a　heartrending　voice；　〃do　you　think　me　selfish？　Ought　I　to
sacrifice　eternity　to　reward　him　who　devotes　to　me　his　life？　The
thought　is　dreadful；　it　wounds　every　sentiment　of　religion。　Could　a
woman　so　fallen　rise　again？　Would　her　happiness　absolve　her？　These　are
questions　you　force　me　to　consider。Yes；　I　betray　at　last　the　secret
of　my　conscience；　the　thought　has　traversed　my　heart；　often　do　I
expiate　it　by　penance；　it　caused　the　tears　you　asked　me　to　account　for
yesterday〃

〃Do　you　not　give　too　great　importance　to　certain　things　which　common
women　hold　at　a　high　price；　and〃

〃Oh！〃　she　said；　interrupting　me；　〃do　you　hold　them　at　a　lower？〃

This　logic　stopped　all　argument。

〃Know　this；〃　she　continued。　〃I　might　have　the　baseness　to　abandon　that
poor　old　man　whose　life　I　am；　but；　my　friend；　those　other　feeble
creatures　there　before　us；　Madeleine　and　Jacques；　would　remain　with
their　father。　Do　you　think；　I　ask　you　do　you　think　they　would　be　alive
in　three　months　under　the　insane　dominion　of　that　man？　If　my　failure
of　duty　concerned　only　myself〃　A　noble　smile　crossed　her　face。　〃But
shall　I　kill　my　children！　My　God！〃　she　exclaimed。　〃Why　speak　of　these
things？　Marry；　and　let　me　die！〃

She　said　the　words　in　a　tone　so　bitter；　so　hollow；　that　they　stifled
the　remonstrances　of　my　passion。

〃You　uttered　cries　that　day　beneath　the　walnut…tree；　I　have　uttered　my
cries　here　beneath　these　alders；　that　is　all；〃　I　said；　〃I　will　be
silent　henceforth。〃

〃Your　generosity　shames　me；〃　she　said；　raising　her　eyes　to　heaven。

We　reached　the　terrace　and　found　the　count　sitting　in　a　chair；　in　the
sun。　The　sight　of　that　sunken　face；　scarcely　brightened　by　a　feeble
smile；　extinguished　the　last　flames　that　came　from　the　ashes。　I　leaned
against　the　balustrade　and　considered　the　picture　of　that　poor　wreck；
between　his　sickly　children　and　his　wife；　pale　with　her　vigils；　worn
out　by　extreme　fatigue；　by　the　fears；　perhaps　also　by　the　joys　of
these　terrible　months；　but　whose　cheeks　now　glowed　from　the　emotions
she　had　just　passed　through。　At　the　sight　of　that　suffering　family
beneath　the　trembling　leafage　through　which　the　gray　light　of　a　cloudy
autumn　sky　came　dimly；　I　felt　within　me　a　rupture　of　the　bonds　which
hold　the　body　to　the　spirit。　There　came　upon　me　then　that　moral　spleen
which；　they　say；　the　strongest　wrestlers　know　in　the　crisis　of　their
combats；　a　species　of　cold　madness　which　makes　a　coward　of　the　bravest
man；　a　bigot　of　an　unbeliever；　and　renders　those　it　grasps　indifferent
to　all　things；　even　to　vital　sentiments；　to　honor；　to　lovefor　the
doubt　it　brings　takes　from　us　the　knowledge　of　ourselves　and　disgusts
us　with　life　itself。　Poor；　nervous　creatures；　whom　the　very　richness
of　your　organization　delivers　over　to　this　mysterious；　fatal　power；
who　are　your　peers　and　who　your　judges？　Horrified　by　the　thoughts　that
rose　within　me；　and　demanding；　like　the　wicked　man；　〃Where　is　now　thy
God？〃　I　could　not　restrain　the　tears　that　rolled　down　my　cheeks。

〃What　is　it；　dear　Felix？〃　said　Madeleine　in　her　childish　voice。

Then　Henriette　put　to　flight　these　dark　horrors　of　the　mind　by　a　look
of　tender　solicitude　which　shone　into　my　soul　like　a　sunbeam。　Just
then　the　old　huntsman　brought　me　a　letter　from　Tours；　at　sight　of
which　I　made　a　sudden　cry　of　surprise；　which　made　Madame　de　Mortsauf
tremble。　I　saw　the　king's　signet　and　knew　it　contained　my　recall。　I
gave　her　the　letter　and　she　read　it　at　a　glance。

〃What　will　become　of　me？〃　she　murmured；　beholding　her　desert　sunless。

We　fell　into　a　stupor　of　thought　which　oppressed　us　equally；　never　had
we　felt　more　strongly　how　necessary　we　were　to　one　another。　The
countess；　even　when　she　spoke　indifferently　of　other　things；　seemed　to
have　a　new　voice；　as　if　the　instrument　had　lost　some　chords　and　others
were　out　of　tune。　Her　movements　were　apathetic；　her　eyes　without
light。　I　begged　her　to　tell　me　her　thoughts。

〃Have　I　any？〃　she　replied　in　a　dazed　way。

She　drew　me　into　her　chamber；　made　me　sit　upon　the　sofa；　took　a
package　from　the　drawer　of　her　dressing…table；　and　knelt　before　me；
saying：　〃This　hair　has　fallen　from　my　head　during　the　last　year；　take
it；　it　is　yours；　you　will　some　day　know　how　and　why。〃

Slowly　I　bent　to　meet　her　brow；　and　she　did　not　avoid　my　lips。　I
kissed　her　sacredly；　without　unworthy　passion；　without　one　impure
impulse；　but　solemnly；　with　tenderness。　Was　she　willing　to　make　the
sacrifice；　or　did　she　merely　come；　as　I　did　once；　to　the　verge　of　the
precipice？　If　love　were　leading　her　to　give　herself　could　she　have
worn　that　calm；　that　holy　look；　would　she　have　asked；　in　that　pure
voice　of　hers；　〃You　are　not　angry　with　me；　are　you？〃

I　left　that　evening；　she　wished　to　accompany　me　on　the　road　to
Frapesle；　and　we　stopped　under　my　walnut…tree。　I　showed　it　to　her；　and
told　her　how　I　had　first　seen　her　four　years　earlier　from　that　spot。
〃The　valley　was　so　beautiful　then！〃　I　cried。

〃And　now？〃　she　said　quickly。

〃You　are　beneath　my　tree；　and　the　valley　is　ours！〃

She　bowed　her　head　and　that　was　our　farewell；　she　got　into　her
carriage　with　Madeleine；　and　I　into　mine　alone。

On　my　return　to　Paris　I　was　absorbed　in　pressing　business　which　took
all　my　time　and　kept　me　out　of　society；　which　for　a　while　forgot　me。　I
corresponded　with　Madame　de　Mortsauf；　and　sent　her　my　journal　once　a
week。　She　answered　twice　a　month。　It　was　a　life　of　solitude　yet
teeming；　like　those　sequestered　spots；　blooming　unknown；　which　I　had
sometimes　found　in　the　depths　of　woods　when　gathering　the　flowers　for
my　poems。

Oh；　you　who　love！　take　these　obligations　on　you；　accept　these　daily
duties；　like　those　the　Church　imposes　upon　Christians。　The　rigorous
observances　of　the　Roman　faith　contain　a　great　idea；　they　plough　the
furrow　of　duty　in　the　soul　by　the　daily　repetition　of　acts　which　keep
alive　the　sense　of　hope　and　fear。　Sentiments　flow　clearer　in　furrowed
channels　which　purify　their　stream；　they　refresh　the　heart；　they
fertilize　the　life　from　the　abundant　treasures　of　a　hidden　faith；　the
source　divine　in　which　the　single　thought　of　a　single　love　is
multiplied　indefinitely。

My　love；　an　echo　of　the　Middle　Ages　and　of　chivalry；　was　known；　I　know
not　how；　possibly　the　king　and　the　Duc　de　Lenoncourt　had　spoken　of　it。
From　that　upper　sphere　the　romantic　yet　simple　story　of　a　young　man
piously　adoring　a　beautiful　woman　remote　from　the　world；　noble　in　her
solitude；　faithful　without　support　to　duty；　spread；　no　doubt　quickly；
through　the　faubourg　St。　Germain。　In　the　salons　I　was　the　object　of
embarrassing　notice；　for　retired　life　has　advantages　which　if　once
experienced　make　the　burden　of　a　constant　social　intercourse
insupportable。　Certain　minds　are　painfully　affected　by　violent
contrasts；　just　as　eyes　accustomed　to　soft　colors　are　hurt　by　glaring
light。　This　was　my　condition　then；　you　may　be　surprised　at　it　now；　but
have　patience；　the　inconsistencies　of