the lily of the valley(幽谷百合)-第31章

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〃Ah；〃　she　added；　〃I　have　one　more　promise　to　ask　of　you；　but　grant　it
first。〃

〃Yes；　yes！〃　I　cried；　thinking　it　was　surely　a　promise　of　fidelity。

〃It　does　not　concern　myself；〃　she　said　smiling；　with　some　bitterness。
〃Felix；　do　not　gamble　in　any　house；　no　matter　whose　it　be；　I　except
none。〃

〃I　will　never　play　at　all；〃　I　replied。

〃Good；〃　she　said。　〃I　have　found　a　better　use　for　your　time　than　to
waste　it　on　cards。　The　end　will　be　that　where　others　must　sooner　or
later　be　losers　you　will　invariably　win。〃

〃How　so？〃

〃The　letter　will　tell　you；〃　she　said；　with　a　playful　smile；　which　took
from　her　advice　the　serious　tone　which　might　certainly　have　been　that
of　a　grandfather。

The　countess　talked　to　me　for　an　hour；　and　proved　the　depth　of　her
affection　by　the　study　she　had　made　of　my　nature　during　the　last　three
months。　She　penetrated　the　recesses　of　my　heart；　entering　it　with　her
own；　the　tones　of　her　voice　were　changeful　and　convincing；　the　words
fell　from　maternal　lips；　showing　by　their　tone　as　well　as　by　their
meaning　how　many　ties　already　bound　us　to　each　other。

〃If　you　knew；〃　she　said　in　conclusion；　〃with　what　anxiety　I　shall
follow　your　course；　what　joy　I　shall　feel　if　you　walk　straight；　what
tears　I　must　shed　if　you　strike　against　the　angles！　Believe　that　my
affection　has　no　equal；　it　is　involuntary　and　yet　deliberate。　Ah；　I
would　that　I　might　see　you　happy；　powerful；　respected；you　who　are　to
me　a　living　dream。〃

She　made　me　weep；　so　tender　and　so　terrible　was　she。　Her　feelings　came
boldly　to　the　surface；　yet　they　were　too　pure　to　give　the　slightest
hope　even　to　a　young　man　thirsting　for　pleasure。　Ignoring　my　tortured
flesh；　she　shed　the　rays；　undeviating；　incorruptible；　of　the　divine
love；　which　satisfies　the　soul　only。　She　rose　to　heights　whither　the
prismatic　pinions　of　a　love　like　mine　were　powerless　to　bear　me。　To
reach　her　a　man　must　needs　have　won　the　white　wings　of　the　seraphim。

〃In　all　that　happens　to　me　I　will　ask　myself；〃　I　said；　〃'What　would　my
Henriette　say？'〃

〃Yes；　I　will　be　the　star　and　the　sanctuary　both；〃　she　said；　alluding
to　the　dreams　of　my　childhood。

〃You　are　my　light　and　my　religion；〃　I　cried；　〃you　shall　be　my　all。〃

〃No；〃　she　answered；　〃I　can　never　be　the　source　of　your　pleasures。〃

She　sighed；　the　smile　of　secret　pain　was　on　her　lips；　the　smile　of　the
slave　who　momentarily　revolts。　From　that　day　forth　she　was　to　me；　not
merely　my　beloved；　but　my　only　love；　she　was　not　IN　my　heart　as　a
woman　who　takes　a　place；　who　makes　it　hers　by　devotion　or　by　excess　of
pleasure　given；　but　she　was　my　heart　itself；it　was　all　hers；　a
something　necessary　to　the　play　of　my　muscles。　She　became　to　me　as
Beatrice　to　the　Florentine；　as　the　spotless　Laura　to　the　Venetian；　the
mother　of　great　thoughts；　the　secret　cause　of　resolutions　which　saved
me；　the　support　of　my　future；　the　light　shining　in　the　darkness　like　a
lily　in　a　wood。　Yes；　she　inspired　those　high　resolves　which　pass
through　flames；　which　save　the　thing　in　peril；　she　gave　me　a　constancy
like　Coligny's　to　vanquish　conquerors；　to　rise　above　defeat；　to　weary
the　strongest　wrestler。

The　next　day；　having　breakfasted　at　Frapesle　and　bade　adieu　to　my　kind
hosts；　I　went　to　Clochegourde。　Monsieur　and　Madame　de　Mortsauf　had
arranged　to　drive　with　me　to　Tours；　whence　I　was　to　start　the　same
night　for　Paris。　During　the　drive　the　countess　was　silent；　she
pretended　at　first　to　have　a　headache；　then　she　blushed　at　the
falsehood；　and　expiated　it　by　saying　that　she　could　not　see　me　go
without　regret。　The　count　invited　me　to　stay　with　them　whenever；　in
the　absence　of　the　Chessels；　I　might　long　to　see　the　valley　of　the
Indre　once　more。　We　parted　heroically；　without　apparent　tears；　but
Jacques；　who　like　other　delicate　children　was　quickly　touched；　began
to　cry；　while　Madeleine；　already　a　woman；　pressed　her　mother's　hand。

〃Dear　little　one！〃　said　the　countess；　kissing　Jacques　passionately。

When　I　was　alone　at　Tours　after　dinner　a　wild；　inexplicable　desire
known　only　to　young　blood　possessed　me。　I　hired　a　horse　and　rode　from
Tours　to　Pont…de…Ruan　in　an　hour　and　a　quarter。　There；　ashamed　of　my
folly；　I　dismounted；　and　went　on　foot　along　the　road；　stepping
cautiously　like　a　spy　till　I　reached　the　terrace。　The　countess　was　not
there；　and　I　imagined　her　ill；　I　had　kept　the　key　of　the　little　gate；
by　which　I　now　entered；　she　was　coming　down　the　steps　of　the　portico
with　the　two　children　to　breathe　in　sadly　and　slowly　the　tender
melancholy　of　the　landscape；　bathed　at　that　moment　in　the　setting　sun。

〃Mother；　here　is　Felix；〃　said　Madeleine。

〃Yes；〃　I　whispered；　〃it　is　I。　I　asked　myself　why　I　should　stay　at
Tours　while　I　still　could　see　you；　why　not　indulge　a　desire　that　in　a
few　days　more　I　could　not　gratify。〃

〃He　won't　leave　us　again；　mother；〃　cried　Jacques；　jumping　round　me。

〃Hush！〃　said　Madeleine；　〃if　you　make　such　a　noise　the　general　will
come。〃

〃It　is　not　right；〃　she　said。　〃What　folly！〃

The　tears　in　her　voice　were　the　payment　of　what　must　be　called　a
usurious　speculation　of　love。

〃I　had　forgotten　to　return　this　key；〃　I　said　smiling。

〃Then　you　will　never　return；〃　she　said。

〃Can　we　ever　be　really　parted？〃　I　asked；　with　a　look　which　made　her
drop　her　eyelids　for　all　answer。

I　left　her　after　a　few　moments　passed　in　that　happy　stupor　of　the
spirit　where　exaltation　ends　and　ecstasy　begins。　I　went　with　lagging
step；　looking　back　at　every　minute。　When；　from　the　summit　of　the　hill；
I　saw　the　valley　for　the　last　time　I　was　struck　with　the　contrast　it
presented　to　what　it　was　when　I　first　came　there。　Then　it　was　verdant；
then　it　glowed；　glowed　and　blossomed　like　my　hopes　and　my　desires。
Initiated　now　into　the　gloomy　secrets　of　a　family；　sharing　the　anguish
of　a　Christian　Niobe；　sad　with　her　sadness；　my　soul　darkened；　I　saw
the　valley　in　the　tone　of　my　own　thoughts。　The　fields　were　bare；　the
leaves　of　the　poplars　falling；　the　few　that　remained　were　rusty；　the
vine…stalks　were　burned；　the　tops　of　the　trees　were　tan…colored；　like
the　robes　in　which　royalty　once　clothed　itself　as　if　to　hide　the
purple　of　its　power　beneath　the　brown　of　grief。　Still　in　harmony　with
my　thoughts；　the　valley；　where　the　yellow　rays　of　the　setting　sun　were
coldly　dying；　seemed　to　me　a　living　image　of　my　heart。

To　leave　a　beloved　woman　is　terrible　or　natural；　according　as　the　mind
takes　it。　For　my　part；　I　found　myself　suddenly　in　a　strange　land　of
which　I　knew　not　the　language。　I　was　unable　to　lay　hold　of　things　to
which　my　soul　no　longer　felt　attachment。　Then　it　was　that　the　height
and　the　breadth　of　my　love　came　before　me；　my　Henriette　rose　in　all
her　majesty　in　this　desert　where　I　existed　only　through　thoughts　of
her。　That　form　so　worshipped　made　me　vow　to　keep　myself　spotless
before　my　soul's　divinity；　to　wear　ideally　the　white　robe　of　the
Levite；　like　Petrarch；　who　never　entered　Laura's　presence　unless
clothed　in　white。　With　what　impatience　I　awaited　the　first　night　of　my
return　to　my　father's　roof；　when　I　could　read　the　letter　which　I　felt
of　during　the　journey　as　a　miser　fingers　the　bank…bills　he　carries
about　him。　During　the　night　I　kissed　the　paper　on　which　my　Henriette
had　manifested　her　will；　I　sought　to　gather　the　mysterious　emanations
of　her　hand；　to　recover　the　intonations　of　her　voice　in　the　hush　of　my
being。　Since　then　I　have　never　read　her　letters　except　as　I　read　that
first　letter；　in　bed；　amid　total　silence。　I　cannot　understand　how　the
letters　of　our　beloved　can　be　read　in　any　other　way；　yet　there　are
men；　unworthy　to　be　loved；　who　read　such　letters　in　the　turmoil　of　the
day；　laying　them　aside　and　taking　them　up　again　with　odious　composure。

Here；　Natalie；　is　the　voice　which　echoed　through　the　silence　of　that
night。　Behold　the　noble　figure　which　stood　before　me　and　pointed　to
the　right　path　among　the　cross…ways　at　which　I　stood。

　　To　Monsieur　le　Vicomte　Felix　de　Vandenesse：

　　What　happiness　for　me；　dear　friend；　to　gather　the　scattered
　　elements　of　my　experience　that　I　may　arm　you　against　the　dangers
　　of　the　world；　through　which　I　pray　that　you　pass　scatheless。　I
　　have　felt　the　highest　pleasures　of　maternal　love　as　night　after
　　night　I