the lily of the valley(幽谷百合)-第29章
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hideous； for his yellow eyes had a savage expression which made him
look like a wild beast rushing out of a wood。 Henriette slid from her
chair to the ground to avoid a blow； which however was not given； she
lay at full length on the floor and lost consciousness； completely
exhausted。 The count was like a murderer who feels the blood of his
victim spurting in his face； he stopped short； bewildered。 I took the
poor woman in my arms； and the count let me take her； as though he
felt unworthy to touch her； but he went before me to open the door of
her bedroom next the salon；a sacred room I had never entered。 I put
the countess on her feet and held her for a moment in one arm； passing
the other round her waist； while Monsieur de Mortsauf took the eider…
down coverlet from the bed； then together we lifted her and laid her；
still dressed； on the bed。 When she came to herself she motioned to us
to unfasten her belt。 Monsieur de Mortsauf found a pair of scissors；
and cut through it； I made her breathe salts； and she opened her eyes。
The count left the room； more ashamed than sorry。 Two hours passed in
perfect silence。 Henriette's hand lay in mine； she pressed it to mine；
but could not speak。 From time to time she opened her eyes as if to
tell me by a look that she wished to be still and silent； then
suddenly； for an instant； there seemed a change； she rose on her elbow
and whispered； 〃Unhappy man！ah！ if you did but know〃
She fell back upon the pillow。 The remembrance of her past sufferings；
joined to the present shock； threw her again into the nervous
convulsions I had just calmed by the magnetism of love；a power then
unknown to me； but which I used instinctively。 I held her with gentle
force； and she gave me a look which made me weep。 When the nervous
motions ceased I smoothed her disordered hair； the first and only time
that I ever touched it； then I again took her hand and sat looking at
the room； all brown and gray； at the bed with its simple chintz
curtains； at the toilet table draped in a fashion now discarded； at
the commonplace sofa with its quilted mattress。 What poetry I could
read in that room！ What renunciations of luxury for herself； the only
luxury being its spotless cleanliness。 Sacred cell of a married nun；
filled with holy resignation； its sole adornments were the crucifix of
her bed； and above it the portrait of her aunt； then； on each side of
the holy water basin； two drawings of the children made by herself；
with locks of their hair when they were little。 What a retreat for a
woman whose appearance in the great world of fashion would have made
the handsomest of her sex jealous！ Such was the chamber where the
daughter of an illustrious family wept out her days； sunken at this
moment in anguish； and denying herself the love that might have
comforted her。 Hidden； irreparable woe！ Tears of the victim for her
slayer； tears of the slayer for his victim！ When the children and
waiting…woman came at length into the room I left it。 The count was
waiting for me； he seemed to seek me as a mediating power between
himself and his wife。 He caught my hands； exclaiming； 〃Stay； stay with
us； Felix！〃
〃Unfortunately；〃 I said； 〃Monsieur de Chessel has a party； and my
absence would cause remark。 But after dinner I will return。〃
He left the house when I did； and took me to the lower gate without
speaking； then he accompanied me to Frapesle； seeming not to know what
he was doing。 At last I said to him； 〃For heaven's sake； Monsieur le
comte； let her manage your affairs if it pleases her； and don't
torment her。〃
〃I have not long to live；〃 he said gravely； 〃she will not suffer long
through me； my head is giving way。〃
He left me in a spasm of involuntary self…pity。 After dinner I
returned for news of Madame de Mortsauf； who was already better。 If
such were the joys of marriage； if such scenes were frequent； how
could she survive them long？ What slow； unpunished murder was this？
During that day I understood the tortures by which the count was
wearing out his wife。 Before what tribunal can we arraign such crimes？
These thoughts stunned me； I could say nothing to Henriette by word of
mouth； but I spent the night in writing to her。 Of the three or four
letters that I wrote I have kept only the beginning of one； with which
I was not satisfied。 Here it is； for though it seems to me to express
nothing； and to speak too much of myself when I ought only to have
thought of her； it will serve to show you the state my soul was in：
To Madame de Mortsauf：
How many things I had to say to you when I reached the house！ I
thought of them on the way； but I forgot them in your presence。
Yes； when I see you； dear Henriette； I find my thoughts no longer
in keeping with the light from your soul which heightens your
beauty； then； too； the happiness of being near you is so ineffable
as to efface all other feelings。 Each time we meet I am born into
a broader life； I am like the traveller who climbs a rock and sees
before him a new horizon。 Each time you talk with me I add new
treasures to my treasury。 There lies； I think； the secret of long
and inexhaustible affections。 I can only speak to you of yourself
when away from you。 In your presence I am too dazzled to see； too
happy to question my happiness； too full of you to be myself； too
eloquent through you to speak； too eager in seizing the present
moment to remember the past。 You must think of this state of
intoxication and forgive me its consequent mistakes。
When near you I can only feel。 Yet； I have courage to say； dear
Henriette； that never； in all the many joys you have given me；
never did I taste such joy as filled my soul when； after that
dreadful storm through which you struggled with superhuman
courage； you came to yourself alone with me； in the twilight of
your chamber where that unhappy scene had brought me。 I alone
know the light that shines from a woman when through the portals
of death she re…enters life with the dawn of a rebirth tinting her
brow。 What harmonies were in your voice！ How words； even your
words； seemed paltry when the sound of that adored voicein
itself the echo of past pains mingled with divine consolations
blessed me with the gift of your first thought。 I knew you were
brilliant with all human splendor； but yesterday I found a new
Henriette； who might be mine if God so willed； I beheld a spirit
freed from the bodily trammels which repress the ardors of the
soul。 Ah！ thou wert beautiful indeed in thy weakness； majestic in
thy prostration。 Yesterday I found something more beautiful than
thy beauty； sweeter than thy voice； lights more sparkling than the
light of thine eyes； perfumes for which there are no words
yesterday thy soul was visible and palpable。 Would I could have
opened my heart and made thee live there！ Yesterday I lost the
respectful timidity with which thy presence inspires me； thy
weakness brought us nearer together。 Then； when the crisis passed
and thou couldst bear our atmosphere once more； I knew what it was
to breathe in unison with thy breath。 How many prayers rose up to
heaven in that moment！ Since I did not die as I rushed through
space to ask of God that he would leave thee with me； no human
creature can die of joy nor yet of sorrow。 That moment has left
memories buried in my soul which never again will reappear upon
its surface and leave me tearless。 Yes； the fears with which my
soul was tortured yesterday are incomparably greater than all
sorrows that the future can bring upon me； just as the joys which
thou hast given me； dear eternal thought of my life！ will be
forever greater than any future joy God may be pleased to grant
me。 Thou hast made me comprehend the love divine； that sure love；
sure in strength and in duration； that knows no doubt or jealousy。
Deepest melancholy gnawed my soul； the glimpse into that hidden life
was agonizing to a young heart new to social emotions； it was an awful
thing to find this abyss at the opening of life；a bottomless abyss；
a Dead Sea。 This dreadful aggregation of misfortunes suggested many
thought
