the lily of the valley(幽谷百合)-第19章

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address　you　thus！　Answer；　or　I　will　never　again　recross　that　river！〃

〃You　have　spared　me　the　word　LOVE；〃　she　said；　in　a　stern　voice；　〃but
you　have　spoken　of　a　sentiment　of　which　I　know　nothing　and　which　is
not　permitted　to　me。　You　are　a　child；　and　again　I　pardon　you；　but　for
the　last　time。　Endeavor　to　understand；　Monsieur；　that　my　heart　is；　as
it　were；　intoxicated　with　motherhood。　I　love　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf
neither　from　social　duty　nor　from　a　calculated　desire　to　win　eternal
blessings；　but　from　an　irresistible　feeling　which　fastens　all　the
fibres　of　my　heart　upon　him。　Was　my　marriage　a　mistake？　My　sympathy
for　misfortune　led　to　it。　It　is　the　part　of　women　to　heal　the　woes
caused　by　the　march　of　events；　to　comfort　those　who　rush　into　the
breach　and　return　wounded。　How　shall　I　make　you　understand　me？　I　have
felt　a　selfish　pleasure　in　seeing　that　you　amused　him；　is　not　that
pure　motherhood？　Did　I　not　make　you　see　by　what　I　owned　just　now；　the
THREE　children　to　whom　I　am　bound；　to　whom　I　shall　never　fail；　on　whom
I　strive　to　shed　a　healing　dew　and　the　light　of　my　own　soul　without
withdrawing　or　adulterating　a　single　particle？　Do　not　embitter　the
mother's　milk！　though　as　a　wife　I　am　invulnerable；　you　must　never
again　speak　thus　to　me。　If　you　do　not　respect　this　command；　simple　as
it　is；　the　door　of　this　house　will　be　closed　to　you。　I　believed　in
pure　friendship；　in　a　voluntary　brotherhood；　more　real；　I　thought；
than　the　brotherhood　of　blood。　I　was　mistaken。　I　wanted　a　friend　who
was　not　a　judge；　a　friend　who　would　listen　to　me　in　those　moments　of
weakness　when　reproof　is　killing；　a　sacred　friend　from　whom　I　should
have　nothing　to　fear。　Youth　is　noble；　truthful；　capable　of　sacrifice；
disinterested；　seeing　your　persistency　in　coming　to　us；　I　believed；
yes；　I　will　admit　that　I　believed　in　some　divine　purpose；　I　thought　I
should　find　a　soul　that　would　be　mine；　as　the　priest　is　the　soul　of
all；　a　heart　in　which　to　pour　my　troubles　when　they　deluged　mine；　a
friend　to　hear　my　cries　when　if　I　continued　to　smother　them　they　would
strangle　me。　Could　I　but　have　this　friend；　my　life；　so　precious　to
these　children；　might　be　prolonged　until　Jacques　had　grown　to　manhood。
But　that　is　selfish！　The　Laura　of　Petrarch　cannot　be　lived　again。　I
must　die　at　my　post；　like　a　soldier；　friendless。　My　confessor　is
harsh；　austere；　andmy　aunt　is　dead。〃

Two　large　tears　filled　her　eyes；　gleamed　in　the　moonlight；　and　rolled
down　her　cheeks；　but　I　stretched　my　hand　in　time　to　catch　them；　and　I
drank　them　with　an　avidity　excited　by　her　words；　by　the　thought　of
those　ten　years　of　secret　woe；　of　wasted　feelings；　of　constant　care；
of　ceaseless　dreadyears　of　the　lofty　heroism　of　her　sex。　She　looked
at　me　with　gentle　stupefaction。

〃It　is　the　first　communion　of　love；〃　I　said。　〃Yes；　I　am　now　a　sharer
of　your　sorrows。　I　am　united　to　your　soul　as　our　souls　are　united　to
Christ　in　the　sacrament。　To　love；　even　without　hope；　is　happiness。　Ah！
what　woman　on　earth　could　give　me　a　joy　equal　to　that　of　receiving
your　tears！　I　accept　the　contract　which　must　end　in　suffering　to
myself。　I　give　myself　to　you　with　no　ulterior　thought。　I　will　be　to
you　that　which　you　will　me　to　be〃

She　stopped　me　with　a　motion　of　her　hand；　and　said　in　her　deep　voice；
〃I　consent　to　this　agreement　if　you　will　promise　never　to　tighten　the
bonds　which　bind　us　together。〃

〃Yes；〃　I　said；　〃but　the　less　you　grant　the　more　evidence　of　possession
I　ought　to　have。〃

〃You　begin　by　distrusting　me；〃　she　replied；　with　an　expression　of
melancholy　doubt。

〃No；　I　speak　from　pure　happiness。　Listen；　give　me　a　name　by　which　no
one　calls　you；　a　name　to　be　ours　only；　like　the　feeling　which　unites
us。〃

〃That　is　much　to　ask；〃　she　said；　〃but　I　will　show　you　that　I　am　not
petty。　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf　calls　me　Blanche。　One　only　person；　the　one
I　have　most　loved；　my　dear　aunt；　called　me　Henriette。　I　will　be
Henriette　once　more；　to　you。〃

I　took　her　hand　and　kissed　it。　She　left　it　in　mine　with　the
trustfulness　that　makes　a　woman　so　far　superior　to　men；　a　trustfulness
that　shames　us。　She　was　leaning　on　the　brick　balustrade　and　gazing　at
the　river。

〃Are　you　not　unwise；　my　friend；　to　rush　at　a　bound　to　the　extremes　of
friendship？　You　have　drained　the　cup；　offered　in　all　sincerity；　at　a
draught。　It　is　true　that　a　real　feeling　is　never　piecemeal；　it　must　be
whole；　or　it　does　not　exist。　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf；〃　she　added　after　a
short　silence；　〃is　above　all　things　loyal　and　brave。　Perhaps　for　my
sake　you　will　forget　what　he　said　to　you　to…day；　if　he　has　forgotten
it　to…morrow；　I　will　myself　tell　him　what　occurred。　Do　not　come　to
Clochegourde　for　a　few　days；　he　will　respect　you　more　if　you　do　not。
On　Sunday；　after　church；　he　will　go　to　you。　I　know　him；　he　will　wish
to　undo　the　wrong　he　did；　and　he　will　like　you　all　the　better　for
treating　him　as　a　man　who　is　responsible　for　his　words　and　actions。〃

〃Five　days　without　seeing　you；　without　hearing　your　voice！〃

〃Do　not　put　such　warmth　into　your　manner　of　speaking　to　me；〃　she　said。

We　walked　twice　round　the　terrace　in　silence。　Then　she　said；　in　a　tone
of　command　which　proved　to　me　that　she　had　taken　possession　of　my
soul；　〃It　is　late；　we　will　part。〃

I　wished　to　kiss　her　hand；　she　hesitated；　then　gave　it　to　me；　and　said
in　a　voice　of　entreaty：　〃Never　take　it　unless　I　give　it　to　you；　leave
me　my　freedom；　if　not；　I　shall　be　simply　a　thing　of　yours；　and　that
ought　not　to　be。〃

〃Adieu；〃　I　said。

I　went　out　by　the　little　gate　of　the　lower　terrace；　which　she　opened
for　me。　Just　as　she　was　about　to　close　it　she　opened　it　again　and
offered　me　her　hand；　saying：　〃You　have　been　truly　good　to　me　this
evening；　you　have　comforted　my　whole　future；　take　it；　my　friend；　take
it。〃

I　kissed　her　hand　again　and　again；　and　when　I　raised　my　eyes　I　saw　the
tears　in　hers。　She　returned　to　the　upper　terrace　and　I　watched　her　for
a　moment　from　the　meadow。　When　I　was　on　the　road　to　Frapesle　I　again
saw　her　white　robe　shimmering　in　a　moonbeam；　then；　a　few　moments
later；　a　light　was　in　her　bedroom。

〃Oh；　my　Henriette！〃　I　cried；　〃to　you　I　pledge　the　purest　love　that
ever　shone　upon　this　earth。〃

I　turned　at　every　step　as　I　regained　Frapesle。　Ineffable　contentment
filled　my　mind。　A　way　was　open　for　the　devotion　that　swells　in　all
youthful　hearts　and　which　in　mine　had　been　so　long　inert。　Like　the
priest　who　by　one　solemn　step　enters　a　new　life；　my　vows　were　taken；　I
was　consecrated。　A　simple　〃Yes〃　had　bound　me　to　keep　my　love　within　my
soul　and　never　to　abuse　our　friendship　by　leading　this　woman　step　by
step　to　love。　All　noble　feelings　were　awakened　within　me；　and　I　heard
the　murmur　of　their　voices。　Before　confining　myself　within　the　narrow
walls　of　a　room；　I　stopped　beneath　the　azure　heavens　sown　with　stars；
I　listened　to　the　ring…dove　plaints　of　my　own　heart；　I　heard　again　the
simple　tones　of　that　ingenuous　confidence；　I　gathered　in　the　air　the
emanations　of　that　soul　which　henceforth　must　ever　seek　me。　How　grand
that　woman　seemed　to　me；　with　her　absolute　forgetfulness　of　self；　her
religion　of　mercy　to　wounded　hearts；　feeble　or　suffering；　her　declared
allegiance　to　her　legal　yoke。　She　was　there；　serene　upon　her　pyre　of
saint　and　martyr。　I　adored　her　face　as　it　shone　to　me　in　the　darkness。
Suddenly　I　fancied　I　perceived　a　meaning　in　her　words；　a　mysterious
significance　which　made　her　to　my　eyes　sublime。　Perhaps　she　longed
that　I　should　be　to　her　what　she　was　to　the　little　world　around　her。
Perhaps　she　sought　to　draw　from　me　her　strength　and　consolation；
putting　me　thus　within　her　sphere；　her　equal；　or　perhaps　above　her。
The　stars；　say　some　bold　builders　of　the　universe；　communicate　to　each
other　light　and　motion。　This　thought　lifted　me　to　ethereal　regions。　I
entered　once　more　the　heaven　of　my　former　visions；　I　found　a　meaning
for　the　miseries　of　my　childhood　in　the　illimitable　happiness　to　which
they　had　led　me。

Spirits　quenched　by　tears；　hearts　misunderstood；　saintly　Clarissa
Harlowes　forgotten　or　ignored；　children　neglected；　exiles　innocent　of
wrong；　all　ye　who　enter　life　through　barren　ways；　on　whom　men's　faces
everywhere　look　coldly；　to　whom　ears　close　and　hearts　are　shut；　cease