the lily of the valley-第69章

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　　Indre；　the　sky；　all　spoke　to　me　in　a　language　till　then　unknown。

　　If　you　have　forgotten　those　terrible　kisses；　I　have　never　been

　　able　to　efface　them　from　my　memory；I　am　dying　of　them！　Yes；　each

　　time　that　I　have　met　you　since；　their　impress　is　revived。　I　was

　　shaken　from　head　to　foot　when　I　first　saw　you；　the　mere

　　presentiment　of　your　coming　overcame　me。　Neither　time　nor　my　firm

　　will　has　enabled　me　to　conquer　that　imperious　sense　of　pleasure。　I

　　asked　myself　involuntarily；　〃What　must　be　such　joys？〃　Our　mutual

　　looks；　the　respectful　kisses　you　laid　upon　my　hand；　the　pressure

　　of　my　arm　on　yours；　your　voice　with　its　tender　tones；all；　even

　　the　slightest　things；　shook　me　so　violently　that　clouds　obscured

　　my　sight；　the　murmur　of　rebellious　senses　filled　my　ears。　Ah！　if

　　in　those　moments　when　outwardly　I　increased　my　coldness　you　had

　　taken　me　in　your　arms　I　should　have　died　of　happiness。　Sometimes　I

　　desired　it；　but　prayer　subdued　the　evil　thought。　Your　name　uttered

　　by　my　children　filled　my　heart　with　warmer　blood；　which　gave　color

　　to　my　cheeks；　I　laid　snares　for　my　poor　Madeleine　to　induce　her　to

　　say　it；　so　much　did　I　love　the　tumults　of　that　sensation。　Ah！　what

　　shall　I　say　to　you？　Your　writing　had　a　charm；　I　gazed　at　your

　　letters　as　we　look　at　a　portrait。



　　If　on　that　first　day　you　obtained　some　fatal　power　over　me；

　　conceive；　dear　friend；　how　infinite　that　power　became　when　it　was

　　given　to　me　to　read　your　soul。　What　delights　filled　me　when　I

　　found　you　so　pure；　so　absolutely　truthful；　gifted　with　noble

　　qualities；　capable　of　noblest　things；　and　already　so　tried！　Man

　　and　child；　timid　yet　brave！　What　joy　to　find　we　both　were

　　consecrated　by　a　common　grief！　Ever　since　that　evening　when　we

　　confided　our　childhoods　to　each　other；　I　have　known　that　to　lose

　　you　would　be　death；yes；　I　have　kept　you　by　me　selfishly。　The

　　certainty　felt　by　Monsieur　de　la　Berge　that　I　should　die　if　I　lost

　　you　touched　him　deeply；　for　he　read　my　soul。　He　knew　how　necessary

　　I　was　to　my　children　and　the　count；　he　did　not　command　me　to

　　forbid　you　my　house；　for　I　promised　to　continue　pure　in　deed　and

　　thought。　〃Thought；〃　he　said　to　me；　〃is　involuntary；　but　it　can　be

　　watched　even　in　the　midst　of　anguish。〃　〃If　I　think；〃　I　replied；　

　　〃all　will　be　lost；　save　me　from　myself。　Let　him　remain　beside　me

　　and　keep　me　pure！〃　The　good　old　man；　though　stern；　was　moved　by　my

　　sincerity。　〃Love　him　as　you　would　a　son；　and　give　him　your　

　　daughter；〃　he　said。　I　accepted　bravely　that　life　of　suffering　that

　　I　might　not　lose　you；　and　I　suffered　joyfully；　seeing　that　we　were

　　called　to　bear　the　same　yokeMy　God！　I　have　been　firm；　faithful

　　to　my　husband；　I　have　given　you　no　foothold；　Felix；　in　your

　　kingdom。　The　grandeur　of　my　passion　has　reacted　on　my　character；　I

　　have　regarded　the　tortures　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf　has　inflicted　on

　　me　as　expiations；　I　bore　them　proudly　in　condemnation　of　my　faulty

　　desires。　Formerly　I　was　disposed　to　murmur　at　my　life；　but　since

　　you　entered　it　I　have　recovered　some　gaiety；　and　this　has　been　the

　　better　for　the　count。　Without　this　strength；　which　I　derived

　　through　you；　I　should　long　since　have　succumbed　to　the　inward　life

　　of　which　I　told　you。



　　If　you　have　counted　for　much　in　the　exercise　of　my　duty　so　have　my

　　children　also。　I　felt　I　had　deprived　them　of　something；　and　I

　　feared　I　could　never　do　enough　to　make　amends　to　them；　my　life　was

　　thus　a　continual　struggle　which　I　loved。　Feeling　that　I　was　less　a

　　mother；　less　an　honest　wife；　remorse　entered　my　heart；　fearing　to

　　fail　in　my　obligations；　I　constantly　went　beyond　them。　Often　have

　　I　put　Madeleine　between　you　and　me；　giving　you　to　each　other；

　　raising　barriers　between　us；barriers　that　were　powerless！　for

　　what　could　stifle　the　emotions　which　you　caused　me？　Absent　or

　　present；　you　had　the　same　power。　I　preferred　Madeleine　to　Jacques

　　because　Madeleine　was　sometime　to　be　yours。　But　I　did　not　yield

　　you　to　my　daughter　without　a　struggle。　I　told　myself　that　I　was

　　only　twenty…eight　when　I　first　met　you；　and　you　were　nearly

　　twenty…two；　I　shortened　the　distance　between　us；　I　gave　myself　up

　　to　delusive　hopes。　Oh；　Felix！　I　tell　you　these　things　to　save　you

　　from　remorse；　also；　perhaps；　to　show　you　that　I　was　not　cold　and

　　insensible；　that　our　sufferings　were　cruelly　mutual；　that　Arabella

　　had　no　superiority　of　love　over　mine。　I　too　am　the　daughter　of　a

　　fallen　race；　such　as　men　love　well。



　　There　came　a　moment　when　the　struggle　was　so　terrible　that　I　wept

　　the　long　nights　through；　my　hair　fell　off；you　have　it！　Do　you

　　remember　the　count's　illness？　Your　nobility　of　soul　far　from

　　raising　my　soul　belittled　it。　Alas！　I　dreamed　of　giving　myself　to

　　you　some　day　as　the　reward　of　so　much　heroism；　but　the　folly　was　a

　　brief　one。　I　laid　it　at　the　feet　of　God　during　the　mass　that　day

　　when　you　refused　to　be　with　me。　Jacques'　illness　and　Madeleine's

　　sufferings　seemed　to　me　the　warnings　of　God　calling　back　to　Him

　　His　lost　sheep。



　　Then　your　lovewhich　is　so　naturalfor　that　Englishwoman

　　revealed　to　me　secrets　of　which　I　had　no　knowledge。　I　loved　you

　　better　than　I　knew。　The　constant　emotions　of　this　stormy　life；　the

　　efforts　that　I　made　to　subdue　myself　with　no　other　succor　than

　　that　religion　gave　me；　all；　all　has　brought　about　the　malady　of

　　which　I　die。　The　terrible　shocks　I　have　undergone　brought　on

　　attacks　about　which　I　kept　silence。　I　saw　in　death　the　sole

　　solution　of　this　hidden　tragedy。　A　lifetime　of　anger；　jealousy；

　　and　rage　lay　in　those　two　months　between　the　time　my　mother　told

　　me　of　your　relations　with　Lady　Dudley；　and　your　return　to

　　Clochegourde。　I　wished　to　go　to　Paris；　murder　was　in　my　heart；　I

　　desired　that　woman's　death；　I　was　indifferent　to　my　children。

　　Prayer；　which　had　hitherto　been　to　me　a　balm；　was　now　without

　　influence　on　my　soul。　Jealousy　made　the　breach　through　which　death

　　has　entered。　And　yet　I　have　kept　a　placid　brow。　Yes；　that　period

　　of　struggle　was　a　secret　between　God　and　myself。　After　your　return

　　and　when　I　saw　that　I　was　loved；　even　as　I　loved　you；　that　nature

　　had　betrayed　me　and　not　your　thought；　I　wished　to　live；it　was

　　then　too　late！　God　had　taken　me　under　His　protection；　filled　no

　　doubt　with　pity　for　a　being　true　with　herself；　true　with　Him；

　　whose　sufferings　had　often　led　her　to　the　gates　of　the　sanctuary。



　　My　beloved！　God　has　judged　me；　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf　will　pardon

　　me；　but　youwill　you　be　merciful？　Will　you　listen　to　this　voice

　　which　now　issues　from　my　tomb？　Will　you　repair　the　evils　of　which

　　we　are　equally　guilty？you；　perhaps；　less　than　I。　You　know　what　I

　　wish　to　ask　of　you。　Be　to　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf　what　a　sister　of

　　charity　is　to　a　sick　man；　listen　to　him；　love　himno　one　loves

　　him。　Interpose　between　him　and　his　children　as　I　have　done。　Your

　　task　will　not　be　a　long　one。　Jacques　will　soon　leave　home　to　be　in

　　Paris　near　his　grandfather；　and　you　have　long　promised　me　to　guide

　　him　through　the　dangers　of　that　life。　As　for　Madeleine；　she　will

　　marry；　I　pray　that　you　may　please　her。　She　is　all　myself；　but

　　stronger；　she　has　the　will　in　which　I　am　lacking；　the　energy

　　necessary　for　the　companion　of　a　man　whose　career　destines　him　to

　　the　storms　of　political　life；　she　is　clever　and　perceptive。　If

　　your　lives　are　united　she　will　be　happier　than　her　mother。　By

　　acquiring　the　right　to　continue　my　work　at　Clochegourde　you　will

　　blot　out　the　faults　I　have　not　sufficiently　expiated；　though　they

　　are　pardoned　in　heaven　and　also　on　earth；　for　HE　is　generous　and

　　will　forgive　me。　You　see　I　am　ever　selfish；　is　it　not　the　proof　of

　　a　despotic　love？　I　wish　you　to　still　love　me　in　mine。　Unable　to　be

　　yours　in　life；　I　bequeath　to　you　my　thoughts　and　also　my　duties。

　　If　you　do　not　wish　to　marry　Madeleine　you　will　at　least　seek　the

　　repose　of　my　soul　by　making　Monsieur