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第65章

the lily of the valley-第65章

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Rance a Trappist。 I; who hoped to remain ever beautiful and noble in

your memory; to live there eternally a lily; I it is who destroy your

illusions! True love cannot calculate。 But stay; do not go; stay。

Monsieur Origet said I was much better this morning; I shall recover。

Your looks will bring me back to life。 When I regain a little

strength; when I can take some nourishment; I shall be beautiful

again。 I am scarcely thirty…five; there are many years of happiness

before me;happiness renews our youth; yes; I must know happiness! I

have made delightful plans;we will leave Clochegourde and go to

Italy。〃



Tears filled my eyes and I turned to the window as if to look at the

flowers。 The abbe followed me hastily; and bending over the bouquet

whispered; 〃No tears!〃



〃Henriette; do you no longer care for our dear valley;〃 I said; as if

to explain my sudden movement。



〃Oh; yes!〃 she said; turning her forehead to my lips with a fond

motion。 〃But without you it is fatal to me;without THEE;〃 she added;

putting her burning lips to my ear and whispering the words like a

sigh。



I was horror…struck at the wild caress; and my will was not strong

enough to repress the nervous agitation I felt throughout this scene。

I listened without reply; or rather I replied by a fixed smile and

signs of comprehension; wishing not to thwart her; but to treat her as

a mother does a child。 Struck at first with the change in her person;

I now perceived that the woman; once so dignified in her bearing;

showed in her attitude; her voice; her manners; in her looks and her

ideas; the naive ignorance of a child; its artless graces; its eager

movements; its careless indifference to everything that is not its own

desire;in short all the weaknesses which commend a child to our

protection。 Is it so with all dying persons? Do they strip off social

disguises till they are like children who have never put them on? Or

was it that the countess feeling herself on the borders of eternity;

rejected every human feeling except love?



〃You will bring me health as you used to do; Felix;〃 she said; 〃and

our valley will still be my blessing。 How can I help eating what you

will give me? You are such a good nurse。 Besides; you are so rich in

health and vigor that life is contagious beside you。 My friend; prove

to me that I need not diedie blighted。 They think my worst suffering

is thirst。 Oh; yes; my thirst is great; dear friend。 The waters of the

Indre are terrible to see; but the thirst of my heart is greater far。

I thirsted for thee;〃 she said in a smothered voice; taking my hands

in hers; which were burning; and drawing me close that she might

whisper in my ear。 〃My anguish has been in not seeing thee! Did you

not bid me live? I will live; I too will ride on horseback; I will

know life; Paris; fetes; pleasures; all!〃



Ah! Natalie; that awful crywhich time and distance render coldrang

in the ears of the old priest and in mine; the tones of that glorious

voice pictured the battles of a lifetime; the anguish of a true love

lost。 The countess rose with an impatient movement like that of a

child which seeks a plaything。 When the confessor saw her thus the

poor man fell upon his knees and prayed with clasped hands。



〃Yes; to live!〃 she said; making me rise and support her; 〃to live

with realities and not with delusions。 All has been delusions in my

life; I have counted them up; these lies; these impostures! How can I

die; I who have never lived? I who have never roamed a moor to meet

him!〃 She stopped; seemed to listen; and to smell some odor through

the walls。 〃Felix; the vintagers are dining; and I; I;〃 she said; in

the voice of a child; 〃I; the mistress; am hungry。 It is so in love;

they are happy; they; they!〃



〃Kyrie eleison!〃 said the poor abbe; who with clasped hands and eyes

raised to heaven was reciting his litanies。



She flung an arm around my neck; kissed me violently; and pressed me

to her; saying; 〃You shall not escape me now!〃 She gave the little nod

with which in former days she used; when leaving me for an instant; to

say she would return。 〃We will dine together;〃 she said; 〃I will go

and tell Manette。〃 She turned to go; but fainted; and I laid her;

dressed as she was; upon the bed。



〃You carried me thus before;〃 she murmured; opening her eyes。



She was very light; but burning; as I took her in my arms I felt the

heat of her body。 Monsieur Deslandes entered and seemed surprised at

the decoration of the room; but seeing me; all was explained to him。



〃We must suffer much to die;〃 she said in a changed voice。



The doctor sat down and felt her pulse; then he rose quickly and said

a few words in a low voice to the priest; who left the room beckoning

me to follow him。



〃What are you going to do?〃 I said to the doctor。



〃Save her from intolerable agony;〃 he replied。 〃Who could have

believed in so much strength? We cannot understand how she can have

lived in this state so long。 This is the forty…second day since she

has either eaten or drunk。〃



Monsieur Deslandes called for Manette。 The Abbe Birotteau took me to

the gardens。



〃Let us leave her to the doctor;〃 he said; 〃with Manette's help he

will wrap her in opium。 Well; you have heard her nowif indeed it is

she herself。〃



〃No;〃 I said; 〃it is not she。〃



I was stupefied with grief。 I left the grounds by the little gate of

the lower terrace and went to the punt; in which I hid to be alone

with my thoughts。 I tried to detach myself from the being in which I

lived;a torture like that with which the Tartars punish adultery by

fastening a limb of the guilty man in a piece of wood and leaving him

with a knife to cut it off if he would not die of hunger。 My life was

a failure; too! Despair suggested many strange ideas to me。 Sometimes

I vowed to die beside her; sometimes to bury myself at Meilleraye

among the Trappists。 I looked at the windows of the room where

Henriette was dying; fancying I saw the light that was burning there

the night I betrothed my soul to hers。 Ah! ought I not to have

followed the simple life she had created for me; keeping myself

faithfully to her while I worked in the world? Had she not bidden me

become a great man expressly that I might be saved from base and

shameful passions? Chastity! was it not a sublime distinction which I

had not know how to keep? Love; as Arabella understood it; suddenly

disgusted me。 As I raised my humbled head asking myself where; in

future; I could look for light and hope; what interest could hold me

to life; the air was stirred by a sudden noise。 I turned to the

terrace and there saw Madeleine walking alone; with slow steps。 During

the time it took me to ascend the terrace; intending to ask the dear

child the reason of the cold look she had given me when kneeling at

the foot of the cross; she had seated herself on the bench。 When she

saw me approach her; she rose; pretending not to have seen me; and

returned towards the house in a significantly hasty manner。 She hated

me; she fled from her mother's murderer。



When I reached the portico I saw Madeleine like a statue; motionless

and erect; evidently listening to the sound of my steps。 Jacques was

sitting in the portico。 His attitude expressed the same insensibility

to what was going on about him that I had noticed when I first saw

him; it suggested ideas such as we lay aside in some corner of our

mind to take up and study at our leisure。 I have remarked that young

persons who carry death within them are usually unmoved at funerals。 I

longed to question that gloomy spirit。 Had Madeleine kept her thoughts

to herself; or had she inspired Jacques with her hatred?



〃You know; Jacques;〃 I said; to begin the conversation; 〃that in me

you have a most devoted brother。〃



〃Your friendship is useless to me; I shall follow my mother;〃 he said;

giving me a sullen look of pain。



〃Jacques!〃 I cried; 〃you; too; against m

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