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第56章

the lily of the valley-第56章

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simply。



〃She is coming to meet you?〃



〃Yes。〃



〃At what hour?〃



〃Half…past eleven。〃



〃Where?〃



〃On the moor。〃



〃Do not deceive me; is it not at the walnut…tree?〃



〃On the moor。〃



〃We will go there;〃 she said; 〃and I shall see her。〃



When I heard these words I regarded my future life as settled。 I at

once resolved to marry Lady Dudley and put an end to the miserable

struggle which threatened to exhaust my sensibilities and destroy by

these repeated shocks the delicate delights which had hitherto

resembled the flower of fruits。 My sullen silence wounded the

countess; the grandeur of whose mind I misjudged。



〃Do not be angry with me;〃 she said; in her golden voice。 〃This; dear;

is my punishment。 You can never be loved as you are here;〃 she

continued; laying my hand upon her heart。 〃I now confess it; but Lady

Dudley has saved me。 To her the stains;I do not envy them;to me

the glorious love of angels! I have traversed vast tracts of thought

since you returned here。 I have judged life。 Lift up the soul and you

rend it; the higher we go the less sympathy we meet; instead of

suffering in the valley; we suffer in the skies; as the soaring eagle

bears in his heart the arrow of some common herdsman。 I comprehend at

last that earth and heaven are incompatible。 Yes; to those who would

live in the celestial sphere God must be all in all。 We must love our

friends as we love our children;for them; not for ourselves。 Self is

the cause of misery and grief。 My soul is capable of soaring higher

than the eagle; there is a love which cannot fail me。 But to live for

this earthly life is too debasing;here the selfishness of the senses

reigns supreme over the spirituality of the angel that is within us。

The pleasures of passion are stormy; followed by enervating anxieties

which impair the vigor of the soul。 I came to the shores of the sea

where such tempests rage; I have seen them too near; they have wrapped

me in their clouds; the billows did not break at my feet; they caught

me in a rough embrace which chilled my heart。 No! I must escape to

higher regions; I should perish on the shores of this vast sea。 I see

in you; as in all others who have grieved me; the guardian of my

virtue。 My life has been mingled with anguish; fortunately

proportioned to my strength; it has thus been kept free from evil

passions; from seductive peace; and ever near to God。 Our attachment

was the mistaken attempt; the innocent effort of two children striving

to satisfy their own hearts; God; and menfolly; Felix! Ah;〃 she said

quickly; 〃what does that woman call you?〃



〃'Amedee;'〃 I answered; 〃'Felix' is a being apart; who belongs to none

but you。〃



〃'Henriette' is slow to die;〃 she said; with a gentle smile; 〃but die

she will at the first effort of the humble Christian; the self…

respecting mother; she whose virtue tottered yesterday and is firm

to…day。 What may I say to you? This。 My life has been; and is;

consistent with itself in all its circumstances; great and small。 The

heart to which the rootlets of my first affection should have clung;

my mother's heart; was closed to me; in spite of my persistence in

seeking a cleft through which they might have slipped。 I was a girl; I

came after the death of three boys; and I vainly strove to take their

place in the hearts of my parents; the wound I gave to the family

pride was never healed。 When my gloomy childhood was over and I knew

my aunt; death took her from me all too soon。 Monsieur de Mortsauf; to

whom I vowed myself; has repeatedly; nay without respite; smitten me;

not being himself aware of it; poor man! His love has the simple…

minded egotism our children show to us。 He has no conception of the

harm he does me; and he is heartily forgiven for it。 My children;

those dear children who are bound to my flesh through their

sufferings; to my soul by their characters; to my nature by their

innocent happiness;those children were surely given to show me how

much strength and patience a mother's breast contains。 Yes; my

children are my virtues。 You know how my heart has been harrowed for

them; by them; in spite of them。 To be a mother was; for me; to buy

the right to suffer。 When Hagar cried in the desert an angel came and

opened a spring of living water for that poor slave; but I; when the

limpid stream to which (do you remember?) you tried to guide me flowed

past Clochegourde; its waters changed to bitterness for me。 Yes; the

sufferings you have inflicted on my soul are terrible。 God; no doubt;

will pardon those who know affection only through its pains。 But if

the keenest of these pains has come to me through you; perhaps I

deserved them。 God is not unjust。 Ah; yes; Felix; a kiss furtively

taken may be a crime。 Perhaps it is just that a woman should harshly

expiate the few steps taken apart from husband and children that she

might walk alone with thoughts and memories that were not of them; and

so walking; marry her soul to another。 Perhaps it is the worst of

crimes when the inward being lowers itself to the region of human

kisses。 When a woman bends to receive her husband's kiss with a mask

upon her face; that is a crime! It is a crime to think of a future

springing from a death; a crime to imagine a motherhood without

terrors; handsome children playing in the evening with a beloved

father before the eyes of a happy mother。 Yes; I sinned; sinned

greatly。 I have loved the penances inflicted by the Church;which did

not redeem the faults; for the priest was too indulgent。 God has

placed the punishment in the faults themselves; committing the

execution of his vengeance to the one for whom the faults were

committed。 When I gave my hair; did I not give myself? Why did I so

often dress in white? because I seemed the more your lily; did you not

see me here; for the first time; all in white? Alas! I have loved my

children less; for all intense affection is stolen from the natural

affections。 Felix; do you not see that all suffering has its meaning。

Strike me; wound me even more than Monsieur de Mortsauf and my

children's state have wounded me。 That woman is the instrument of

God's anger; I will meet her without hatred; I will smile upon her;

under pain of being neither Christian; wife; nor mother; I ought to

love her。 If; as you tell me; I contributed to keep your heart

unsoiled by the world; that Englishwoman ought not to hate me。 A woman

should love the mother of the man she loves; and I am your mother。

What place have I sought in your heart? that left empty by Madame de

Vandenesse。 Yes; yes; you have always complained of my coldness; yes;

I am indeed your mother only。 Forgive me therefore the involuntary

harshness with which I met you on your return; a mother ought to

rejoice that her son is so well loved〃



She laid her head for a moment on my breast; repeating the words;

〃Forgive me! oh; forgive me!〃 in a voice that was neither her girlish

voice with its joyous notes; nor the woman's voice with despotic

endings; not the sighing sound of the mother's woe; but an agonizing

new voice for new sorrows。



〃You; Felix;〃 she presently continued; growing animated; 〃you are the

friend who can do no wrong。 Ah! you have lost nothing in my heart; do

not blame yourself; do not feel the least remorse。 It was the height

of selfishness in me to ask you to sacrifice the joys of life to an

impossible future; impossible; because to realize it a woman must

abandon her children; abdicate her position; and renounce eternity。

Many a time I have thought you higher than I; you were great and

noble; I; petty and criminal。 Well; well; it is settled now; I can be

to you no more than a light from above; sparkling and cold; but

unchanging。 Only; Felix; let me not love the brother I have chosen

without return。 Love me; cherish me! The love of a sister has no

dangerous to…morrow; no hours of difficulty。 You will never find it

necessary to deceive the indulge

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