the lily of the valley-第56章

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simply。



〃She　is　coming　to　meet　you？〃



〃Yes。〃



〃At　what　hour？〃



〃Half…past　eleven。〃



〃Where？〃



〃On　the　moor。〃



〃Do　not　deceive　me；　is　it　not　at　the　walnut…tree？〃



〃On　the　moor。〃



〃We　will　go　there；〃　she　said；　〃and　I　shall　see　her。〃



When　I　heard　these　words　I　regarded　my　future　life　as　settled。　I　at

once　resolved　to　marry　Lady　Dudley　and　put　an　end　to　the　miserable

struggle　which　threatened　to　exhaust　my　sensibilities　and　destroy　by

these　repeated　shocks　the　delicate　delights　which　had　hitherto

resembled　the　flower　of　fruits。　My　sullen　silence　wounded　the

countess；　the　grandeur　of　whose　mind　I　misjudged。



〃Do　not　be　angry　with　me；〃　she　said；　in　her　golden　voice。　〃This；　dear；

is　my　punishment。　You　can　never　be　loved　as　you　are　here；〃　she

continued；　laying　my　hand　upon　her　heart。　〃I　now　confess　it；　but　Lady

Dudley　has　saved　me。　To　her　the　stains；I　do　not　envy　them；to　me

the　glorious　love　of　angels！　I　have　traversed　vast　tracts　of　thought

since　you　returned　here。　I　have　judged　life。　Lift　up　the　soul　and　you

rend　it；　the　higher　we　go　the　less　sympathy　we　meet；　instead　of

suffering　in　the　valley；　we　suffer　in　the　skies；　as　the　soaring　eagle

bears　in　his　heart　the　arrow　of　some　common　herdsman。　I　comprehend　at

last　that　earth　and　heaven　are　incompatible。　Yes；　to　those　who　would

live　in　the　celestial　sphere　God　must　be　all　in　all。　We　must　love　our

friends　as　we　love　our　children；for　them；　not　for　ourselves。　Self　is

the　cause　of　misery　and　grief。　My　soul　is　capable　of　soaring　higher

than　the　eagle；　there　is　a　love　which　cannot　fail　me。　But　to　live　for

this　earthly　life　is　too　debasing；here　the　selfishness　of　the　senses

reigns　supreme　over　the　spirituality　of　the　angel　that　is　within　us。

The　pleasures　of　passion　are　stormy；　followed　by　enervating　anxieties

which　impair　the　vigor　of　the　soul。　I　came　to　the　shores　of　the　sea

where　such　tempests　rage；　I　have　seen　them　too　near；　they　have　wrapped

me　in　their　clouds；　the　billows　did　not　break　at　my　feet；　they　caught

me　in　a　rough　embrace　which　chilled　my　heart。　No！　I　must　escape　to

higher　regions；　I　should　perish　on　the　shores　of　this　vast　sea。　I　see

in　you；　as　in　all　others　who　have　grieved　me；　the　guardian　of　my

virtue。　My　life　has　been　mingled　with　anguish；　fortunately

proportioned　to　my　strength；　it　has　thus　been　kept　free　from　evil

passions；　from　seductive　peace；　and　ever　near　to　God。　Our　attachment

was　the　mistaken　attempt；　the　innocent　effort　of　two　children　striving

to　satisfy　their　own　hearts；　God；　and　menfolly；　Felix！　Ah；〃　she　said

quickly；　〃what　does　that　woman　call　you？〃



〃'Amedee；'〃　I　answered；　〃'Felix'　is　a　being　apart；　who　belongs　to　none

but　you。〃



〃'Henriette'　is　slow　to　die；〃　she　said；　with　a　gentle　smile；　〃but　die

she　will　at　the　first　effort　of　the　humble　Christian；　the　self…

respecting　mother；　she　whose　virtue　tottered　yesterday　and　is　firm

to…day。　What　may　I　say　to　you？　This。　My　life　has　been；　and　is；

consistent　with　itself　in　all　its　circumstances；　great　and　small。　The

heart　to　which　the　rootlets　of　my　first　affection　should　have　clung；

my　mother's　heart；　was　closed　to　me；　in　spite　of　my　persistence　in

seeking　a　cleft　through　which　they　might　have　slipped。　I　was　a　girl；　I

came　after　the　death　of　three　boys；　and　I　vainly　strove　to　take　their

place　in　the　hearts　of　my　parents；　the　wound　I　gave　to　the　family

pride　was　never　healed。　When　my　gloomy　childhood　was　over　and　I　knew

my　aunt；　death　took　her　from　me　all　too　soon。　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf；　to

whom　I　vowed　myself；　has　repeatedly；　nay　without　respite；　smitten　me；

not　being　himself　aware　of　it；　poor　man！　His　love　has　the　simple…

minded　egotism　our　children　show　to　us。　He　has　no　conception　of　the

harm　he　does　me；　and　he　is　heartily　forgiven　for　it。　My　children；

those　dear　children　who　are　bound　to　my　flesh　through　their

sufferings；　to　my　soul　by　their　characters；　to　my　nature　by　their

innocent　happiness；those　children　were　surely　given　to　show　me　how

much　strength　and　patience　a　mother's　breast　contains。　Yes；　my

children　are　my　virtues。　You　know　how　my　heart　has　been　harrowed　for

them；　by　them；　in　spite　of　them。　To　be　a　mother　was；　for　me；　to　buy

the　right　to　suffer。　When　Hagar　cried　in　the　desert　an　angel　came　and

opened　a　spring　of　living　water　for　that　poor　slave；　but　I；　when　the

limpid　stream　to　which　（do　you　remember？）　you　tried　to　guide　me　flowed

past　Clochegourde；　its　waters　changed　to　bitterness　for　me。　Yes；　the

sufferings　you　have　inflicted　on　my　soul　are　terrible。　God；　no　doubt；

will　pardon　those　who　know　affection　only　through　its　pains。　But　if

the　keenest　of　these　pains　has　come　to　me　through　you；　perhaps　I

deserved　them。　God　is　not　unjust。　Ah；　yes；　Felix；　a　kiss　furtively

taken　may　be　a　crime。　Perhaps　it　is　just　that　a　woman　should　harshly

expiate　the　few　steps　taken　apart　from　husband　and　children　that　she

might　walk　alone　with　thoughts　and　memories　that　were　not　of　them；　and

so　walking；　marry　her　soul　to　another。　Perhaps　it　is　the　worst　of

crimes　when　the　inward　being　lowers　itself　to　the　region　of　human

kisses。　When　a　woman　bends　to　receive　her　husband's　kiss　with　a　mask

upon　her　face；　that　is　a　crime！　It　is　a　crime　to　think　of　a　future

springing　from　a　death；　a　crime　to　imagine　a　motherhood　without

terrors；　handsome　children　playing　in　the　evening　with　a　beloved

father　before　the　eyes　of　a　happy　mother。　Yes；　I　sinned；　sinned

greatly。　I　have　loved　the　penances　inflicted　by　the　Church；which　did

not　redeem　the　faults；　for　the　priest　was　too　indulgent。　God　has

placed　the　punishment　in　the　faults　themselves；　committing　the

execution　of　his　vengeance　to　the　one　for　whom　the　faults　were

committed。　When　I　gave　my　hair；　did　I　not　give　myself？　Why　did　I　so

often　dress　in　white？　because　I　seemed　the　more　your　lily；　did　you　not

see　me　here；　for　the　first　time；　all　in　white？　Alas！　I　have　loved　my

children　less；　for　all　intense　affection　is　stolen　from　the　natural

affections。　Felix；　do　you　not　see　that　all　suffering　has　its　meaning。

Strike　me；　wound　me　even　more　than　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf　and　my

children's　state　have　wounded　me。　That　woman　is　the　instrument　of

God's　anger；　I　will　meet　her　without　hatred；　I　will　smile　upon　her；

under　pain　of　being　neither　Christian；　wife；　nor　mother；　I　ought　to

love　her。　If；　as　you　tell　me；　I　contributed　to　keep　your　heart

unsoiled　by　the　world；　that　Englishwoman　ought　not　to　hate　me。　A　woman

should　love　the　mother　of　the　man　she　loves；　and　I　am　your　mother。

What　place　have　I　sought　in　your　heart？　that　left　empty　by　Madame　de

Vandenesse。　Yes；　yes；　you　have　always　complained　of　my　coldness；　yes；

I　am　indeed　your　mother　only。　Forgive　me　therefore　the　involuntary

harshness　with　which　I　met　you　on　your　return；　a　mother　ought　to

rejoice　that　her　son　is　so　well　loved〃



She　laid　her　head　for　a　moment　on　my　breast；　repeating　the　words；

〃Forgive　me！　oh；　forgive　me！〃　in　a　voice　that　was　neither　her　girlish

voice　with　its　joyous　notes；　nor　the　woman's　voice　with　despotic

endings；　not　the　sighing　sound　of　the　mother's　woe；　but　an　agonizing

new　voice　for　new　sorrows。



〃You；　Felix；〃　she　presently　continued；　growing　animated；　〃you　are　the

friend　who　can　do　no　wrong。　Ah！　you　have　lost　nothing　in　my　heart；　do

not　blame　yourself；　do　not　feel　the　least　remorse。　It　was　the　height

of　selfishness　in　me　to　ask　you　to　sacrifice　the　joys　of　life　to　an

impossible　future；　impossible；　because　to　realize　it　a　woman　must

abandon　her　children；　abdicate　her　position；　and　renounce　eternity。

Many　a　time　I　have　thought　you　higher　than　I；　you　were　great　and

noble；　I；　petty　and　criminal。　Well；　well；　it　is　settled　now；　I　can　be

to　you　no　more　than　a　light　from　above；　sparkling　and　cold；　but

unchanging。　Only；　Felix；　let　me　not　love　the　brother　I　have　chosen

without　return。　Love　me；　cherish　me！　The　love　of　a　sister　has　no

dangerous　to…morrow；　no　hours　of　difficulty。　You　will　never　find　it

necessary　to　deceive　the　indulge