the lily of the valley-第54章
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seems like madness。 No; I have not loved; but I have thirsted in the
desert。〃
〃The desert!〃 she said bitterly; pointing to the valley。 〃Ah!〃 she
exclaimed; 〃how he reasons! what subtle distinctions! Faithful hearts
are not so learned。〃
〃Henriette;〃 I said; 〃do not quarrel with me for a chance expression。
No; my soul has not vacillated; but I have not been master of my
senses。 That woman is not ignorant that you are the only one I ever
loved。 She plays a secondary part in my life; she knows it and is
resigned。 I have the right to leave her as men leave courtesans。〃
〃And then?〃
〃She tells me that she will kill herself;〃 I answered; thinking that
this resolve would startle Henriette。 But when she heard it a
disdainful smile; more expressive than the thoughts it conveyed;
flickered on her lips。 〃My dear conscience;〃 I continued; 〃if you
would take into account my resistance and the seductions that led to
my fall you would understand the fatal〃
〃Yes; fatal!〃 she cried。 〃I believed in you too much。 I believed you
capable of the virtue a priest practises。 All is over;〃 she continued;
after a pause。 〃I owe you much; my friend; you have extinguished in me
the fires of earthly life。 The worst of the way is over; age is coming
on。 I am ailing now; soon I may be ill; I can never be the brilliant
fairy who showers you with favors。 Be faithful to Lady Dudley。
Madeleine; whom I was training to be yours; ah! who will have her now?
Poor Madeleine; poor Madeleine!〃 she repeated; like the mournful
burden of a song。 〃I would you had heard her say to me when you came:
'Mother; you are not kind to Felix!' Dear creature!〃
She looked at me in the warm rays of the setting sun as they glided
through the foliage。 Seized with compassion for the shipwreck of our
lives she turned back to memories of our pure past; yielding to
meditations which were mutual。 We were silent; recalling past scenes;
our eyes went from the valley to the fields; from the windows of
Clochegourde to those of Frapesle; peopling the dream with my
bouquets; the fragrant language of our desires。 It was her last hour
of pleasure; enjoyed with the purity of her Catholic soul。 This scene;
so grand to each of us; cast its melancholy on both。 She believed my
words; and saw where I placed herin the skies。
〃My friend;〃 she said; 〃I obey God; for his hand is in all this。〃
I did not know until much later the deep meaning of her words。 We
slowly returned up the terraces。 She took my arm and leaned upon it
resignedly; bleeding still; but with a bandage on her wound。
〃Human life is thus;〃 she said。 〃What had Monsieur de Mortsauf done to
deserve his fate? It proves the existence of a better world。 Alas; for
those who walk in happier ways!〃
She went on; estimating life so truly; considering its diverse aspects
so profoundly that these cold judgments revealed to me the disgust
that had come upon her for all things here below。 When we reached the
portico she dropped my arm and said these last words: 〃If God has
given us the sentiment and the desire for happiness ought he not to
take charge himself of innocent souls who have found sorrow only in
this low world? Either that must be so; or God is not; and our life is
no more than a cruel jest。〃
She entered and turned the house quickly; I found her on the sofa;
crouching; as though blasted by the voice which flung Saul to the
ground。
〃What is the matter?〃 I asked。
〃I no longer know what is virtue;〃 she replied; 〃I have no
consciousness of my own。〃
We were silent; petrified; listening to the echo of those words which
fell like a stone cast into a gulf。
〃If I am mistaken in my life SHE is right in HERS;〃 Henriette said at
last。
Thus her last struggle followed her last happiness。 When the count
came in she complained of illness; she who never complained。 I
conjured her to tell me exactly where she suffered; but she refused to
explain and went to bed; leaving me a prey to unending remorse。
Madeleine went with her mother; and the next day I heard that the
countess had been seized with nausea; caused; she said; by the violent
excitements of that day。 Thus I; who longed to give my life for hers;
I was killing her。
〃Dear count;〃 I said to Monsieur de Mortsauf; who obliged me to play
backgammon; 〃I think the countess very seriously ill。 There is still
time to save her; pray send for Origet; and persuade her to follow his
advice。〃
〃Origet; who half killed me?〃 cried the count。 〃No; no; I'll consult
Carbonneau。〃
During this week; especially the first days of it; everything was
anguish to methe beginning of paralysis of the heartmy vanity was
mortified; my soul rent。 One must needs have been the centre of all
looks and aspirations; the mainspring of the life about him; the torch
from which all others drew their light; to understand the horror of
the void that was now about me。 All things were there; the same; but
the spirit that gave life to them was extinct; like a blown…out flame。
I now understood the desperate desire of lovers never to see each
other again when love has flown。 To be nothing where we were once so
much! To find the chilling silence of the grave where life so lately
sparkled! Such comparisons are overwhelming。 I came at last to envy
the dismal ignorance of all happiness which had darkened my youth。 My
despair became so great that the countess; I thought; felt pity for
it。 One day after dinner as we were walking on the meadows beside the
river I made a last effort to obtain forgiveness。 I told Jacques to go
on with his sister; and leaving the count to walk alone; I took
Henriette to the punt。
〃Henriette;〃 I said; 〃one word of forgiveness; or I fling myself into
the Indre! I have sinned;yes; it is true; but am I not like a dog in
his faithful attachments? I return like him; like him ashamed。 If he
does wrong he is struck; but he loves the hand that strikes him;
strike me; bruise me; but give me back your heart。〃
〃Poor child;〃 she said; 〃are you not always my son?〃
She took my arm and silently rejoined her children; with whom she
returned to Clochegourde; leaving me to the count; who began to talk
politics apropos of his neighbors。
〃Let us go in;〃 I said; 〃you are bare…headed; and the dew may do you
an injury。〃
〃You pity me; my dear Felix;〃 he answered; 〃you understand me; but my
wife never tries to comfort me;on principle; perhaps。〃
Never would she have left me to walk home with her husband; it was now
I who had to find excuses to join her。 I found her with her children;
explaining the rules of backgammon to Jacques。
〃See there;〃 said the count; who was always jealous of the affection
she showed for her children; 〃it is for them that I am neglected。
Husbands; my dear Felix; are always suppressed。 The most virtuous
woman in the world has ways of satisfying her desire to rob conjugal
affection。〃
She said nothing and continued as before。
〃Jacques;〃 he said; 〃come here。〃
Jacques objected slightly。
〃Your father wants you; go at once; my son;〃 said his mother; pushing
him。
〃They love me by order;〃 said the old man; who sometimes perceived his
situation。
〃Monsieur;〃 she answered; passing her hand over Madeleine's smooth
tresses; which were dressed that day 〃a la belle Ferronniere〃; 〃do not
be unjust to us poor women; life is not so easy for us to bear。
Perhaps the children are the virtues of a mother。〃
〃My dear;〃 said the count; who took it into his head to be logical;
〃what you say signifies that women who have no children would have no
virtue; and would leave their husbands in the lurch。〃
The countess rose hastily and took Madeleine to the portico。
〃That's marriage; my dear fellow;〃 remarked the count to me。 〃Do you
mean to imply by going off in that manner that I am talking nonsense?〃
he cried to his wife; taking his son by the hand and go