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第54章

the lily of the valley-第54章

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seems like madness。 No; I have not loved; but I have thirsted in the

desert。〃



〃The desert!〃 she said bitterly; pointing to the valley。 〃Ah!〃 she

exclaimed; 〃how he reasons! what subtle distinctions! Faithful hearts

are not so learned。〃



〃Henriette;〃 I said; 〃do not quarrel with me for a chance expression。

No; my soul has not vacillated; but I have not been master of my

senses。 That woman is not ignorant that you are the only one I ever

loved。 She plays a secondary part in my life; she knows it and is

resigned。 I have the right to leave her as men leave courtesans。〃



〃And then?〃



〃She tells me that she will kill herself;〃 I answered; thinking that

this resolve would startle Henriette。 But when she heard it a

disdainful smile; more expressive than the thoughts it conveyed;

flickered on her lips。 〃My dear conscience;〃 I continued; 〃if you

would take into account my resistance and the seductions that led to

my fall you would understand the fatal〃



〃Yes; fatal!〃 she cried。 〃I believed in you too much。 I believed you

capable of the virtue a priest practises。 All is over;〃 she continued;

after a pause。 〃I owe you much; my friend; you have extinguished in me

the fires of earthly life。 The worst of the way is over; age is coming

on。 I am ailing now; soon I may be ill; I can never be the brilliant

fairy who showers you with favors。 Be faithful to Lady Dudley。

Madeleine; whom I was training to be yours; ah! who will have her now?

Poor Madeleine; poor Madeleine!〃 she repeated; like the mournful

burden of a song。 〃I would you had heard her say to me when you came:

'Mother; you are not kind to Felix!' Dear creature!〃



She looked at me in the warm rays of the setting sun as they glided

through the foliage。 Seized with compassion for the shipwreck of our

lives she turned back to memories of our pure past; yielding to

meditations which were mutual。 We were silent; recalling past scenes;

our eyes went from the valley to the fields; from the windows of

Clochegourde to those of Frapesle; peopling the dream with my

bouquets; the fragrant language of our desires。 It was her last hour

of pleasure; enjoyed with the purity of her Catholic soul。 This scene;

so grand to each of us; cast its melancholy on both。 She believed my

words; and saw where I placed herin the skies。



〃My friend;〃 she said; 〃I obey God; for his hand is in all this。〃



I did not know until much later the deep meaning of her words。 We

slowly returned up the terraces。 She took my arm and leaned upon it

resignedly; bleeding still; but with a bandage on her wound。



〃Human life is thus;〃 she said。 〃What had Monsieur de Mortsauf done to

deserve his fate? It proves the existence of a better world。 Alas; for

those who walk in happier ways!〃



She went on; estimating life so truly; considering its diverse aspects

so profoundly that these cold judgments revealed to me the disgust

that had come upon her for all things here below。 When we reached the

portico she dropped my arm and said these last words: 〃If God has

given us the sentiment and the desire for happiness ought he not to

take charge himself of innocent souls who have found sorrow only in

this low world? Either that must be so; or God is not; and our life is

no more than a cruel jest。〃



She entered and turned the house quickly; I found her on the sofa;

crouching; as though blasted by the voice which flung Saul to the

ground。



〃What is the matter?〃 I asked。



〃I no longer know what is virtue;〃 she replied; 〃I have no

consciousness of my own。〃



We were silent; petrified; listening to the echo of those words which

fell like a stone cast into a gulf。



〃If I am mistaken in my life SHE is right in HERS;〃 Henriette said at

last。



Thus her last struggle followed her last happiness。 When the count

came in she complained of illness; she who never complained。 I

conjured her to tell me exactly where she suffered; but she refused to

explain and went to bed; leaving me a prey to unending remorse。

Madeleine went with her mother; and the next day I heard that the

countess had been seized with nausea; caused; she said; by the violent

excitements of that day。 Thus I; who longed to give my life for hers;

I was killing her。



〃Dear count;〃 I said to Monsieur de Mortsauf; who obliged me to play

backgammon; 〃I think the countess very seriously ill。 There is still

time to save her; pray send for Origet; and persuade her to follow his

advice。〃



〃Origet; who half killed me?〃 cried the count。 〃No; no; I'll consult

Carbonneau。〃



During this week; especially the first days of it; everything was

anguish to methe beginning of paralysis of the heartmy vanity was

mortified; my soul rent。 One must needs have been the centre of all

looks and aspirations; the mainspring of the life about him; the torch

from which all others drew their light; to understand the horror of

the void that was now about me。 All things were there; the same; but

the spirit that gave life to them was extinct; like a blown…out flame。

I now understood the desperate desire of lovers never to see each

other again when love has flown。 To be nothing where we were once so

much! To find the chilling silence of the grave where life so lately

sparkled! Such comparisons are overwhelming。 I came at last to envy

the dismal ignorance of all happiness which had darkened my youth。 My

despair became so great that the countess; I thought; felt pity for

it。 One day after dinner as we were walking on the meadows beside the

river I made a last effort to obtain forgiveness。 I told Jacques to go

on with his sister; and leaving the count to walk alone; I took

Henriette to the punt。



〃Henriette;〃 I said; 〃one word of forgiveness; or I fling myself into

the Indre! I have sinned;yes; it is true; but am I not like a dog in

his faithful attachments? I return like him; like him ashamed。 If he

does wrong he is struck; but he loves the hand that strikes him;

strike me; bruise me; but give me back your heart。〃



〃Poor child;〃 she said; 〃are you not always my son?〃



She took my arm and silently rejoined her children; with whom she

returned to Clochegourde; leaving me to the count; who began to talk

politics apropos of his neighbors。



〃Let us go in;〃 I said; 〃you are bare…headed; and the dew may do you

an injury。〃



〃You pity me; my dear Felix;〃 he answered; 〃you understand me; but my

wife never tries to comfort me;on principle; perhaps。〃



Never would she have left me to walk home with her husband; it was now

I who had to find excuses to join her。 I found her with her children;

explaining the rules of backgammon to Jacques。



〃See there;〃 said the count; who was always jealous of the affection

she showed for her children; 〃it is for them that I am neglected。

Husbands; my dear Felix; are always suppressed。 The most virtuous

woman in the world has ways of satisfying her desire to rob conjugal

affection。〃



She said nothing and continued as before。



〃Jacques;〃 he said; 〃come here。〃



Jacques objected slightly。



〃Your father wants you; go at once; my son;〃 said his mother; pushing

him。



〃They love me by order;〃 said the old man; who sometimes perceived his

situation。



〃Monsieur;〃 she answered; passing her hand over Madeleine's smooth

tresses; which were dressed that day 〃a la belle Ferronniere〃; 〃do not

be unjust to us poor women; life is not so easy for us to bear。

Perhaps the children are the virtues of a mother。〃



〃My dear;〃 said the count; who took it into his head to be logical;

〃what you say signifies that women who have no children would have no

virtue; and would leave their husbands in the lurch。〃



The countess rose hastily and took Madeleine to the portico。



〃That's marriage; my dear fellow;〃 remarked the count to me。 〃Do you

mean to imply by going off in that manner that I am talking nonsense?〃

he cried to his wife; taking his son by the hand and go

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