the lily of the valley-第5章

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gathered　in　to　the　knot　of　my　cravat。　When　dressed　in　this　apparel　I

looked　so　little　like　myself　that　my　sister's　compliments　nerved　me　to

face　all　Touraine　at　the　ball。　But　it　was　a　bold　enterprise。　Thanks　to

my　slimness　I　slipped　into　a　tent　set　up　in　the　gardens　of　the　Papion

house；　and　found　a　place　close　to　the　armchair　in　which　the　duke　was

seated。　Instantly　I　was　suffocated　by　the　heat；　and　dazzled　by　the

lights；　the　scarlet　draperies；　the　gilded　ornaments；　the　dresses；　and

the　diamonds　of　the　first　public　ball　I　had　ever　witnessed。　I　was

pushed　hither　and　thither　by　a　mass　of　men　and　women；　who　hustled　each

other　in　a　cloud　of　dust。　The　brazen　clash　of　military　music　was

drowned　in　the　hurrahs　and　acclamations　of　〃Long　live　the　Duc

d'Angouleme！　Long　live　the　King！　Long　live　the　Bourbons！〃　The　ball　was

an　outburst　of　pent…up　enthusiasm；　where　each　man　endeavored　to　outdo

the　rest　in　his　fierce　haste　to　worship　the　rising　sun；an　exhibition

of　partisan　greed　which　left　me　unmoved；　or　rather；　it　disgusted　me

and　drove　me　back　within　myself。



Swept　onward　like　a　straw　in　the　whirlwind；　I　was　seized　with　a

childish　desire　to　be　the　Duc　d'Angouleme　himself；　to　be　one　of　these

princes　parading　before　an　awed　assemblage。　This　silly　fancy　of　a

Tourangean　lad　roused　an　ambition　to　which　my　nature　and　the

surrounding　circumstances　lent　dignity。　Who　would　not　envy　such

worship？a　magnificent　repetition　of　which　I　saw　a　few　months　later；

when　all　Paris　rushed　to　the　feet　of　the　Emperor　on　his　return　from

Elba。　The　sense　of　this　dominion　exercised　over　the　masses；　whose

feelings　and　whose　very　life　are　thus　merged　into　one　soul；　dedicated

me　then　and　thenceforth　to　glory；　that　priestess　who　slaughters　the

Frenchmen　of　to…day　as　the　Druidess　once　sacrificed　the　Gauls。



Suddenly　I　met　the　woman　who　was　destined　to　spur　these　ambitious

desires　and　to　crown　them　by　sending　me　into　the　heart　of　royalty。　Too

timid　to　ask　any　one　to　dance；fearing；　moreover；　to　confuse　the

figures；I　naturally　became　very　awkward；　and　did　not　know　what　to　do

with　my　arms　and　legs。　Just　as　I　was　suffering　severely　from　the

pressure　of　the　crowd　an　officer　stepped　on　my　feet；　swollen　by　the

new　leather　of　my　shoes　as　well　as　by　the　heat。　This　disgusted　me　with

the　whole　affair。　It　was　impossible　to　get　away；　but　I　took　refuge　in

a　corner　of　a　room　at　the　end　of　an　empty　bench；　where　I　sat　with

fixed　eyes；　motionless　and　sullen。　Misled　by　my　puny　appearance；　a

womantaking　me　for　a　sleepy　childslid　softly　into　the　place　beside

me；　with　the　motion　of　a　bird　as　she　drops　upon　her　nest。　Instantly　I

breathed　the　woman…atmosphere；　which　irradiated　my　soul　as；　in　after

days；　oriental　poesy　has　shone　there。　I　looked　at　my　neighbor；　and　was

more　dazzled　by　that　vision　than　I　had　been　by　the　scene　of　the　fete。



If　you　have　understood　this　history　of　my　early　life　you　will　guess

the　feelings　which　now　welled　up　within　me。　My　eyes　rested　suddenly　on

white；　rounded　shoulders　where　I　would　fain　have　laid　my　head；

shoulders　faintly　rosy；　which　seemed　to　blush　as　if　uncovered　for　the

first　time；　modest　shoulders；　that　possessed　a　soul；　and　reflected

light　from　their　satin　surface　as　from　a　silken　texture。　These

shoulders　were　parted　by　a　line　along　which　my　eyes　wandered。　I　raised

myself　to　see　the　bust　and　was　spell…bound　by　the　beauty　of　the　bosom；

chastely　covered　with　gauze；　where　blue…veined　globes　of　perfect

outline　were　softly　hidden　in　waves　of　lace。　The　slightest　details　of

the　head　were　each　and　all　enchantments　which　awakened　infinite

delights　within　me；　the　brilliancy　of　the　hair　laid　smoothly　above　a

neck　as　soft　and　velvety　as　a　child's；　the　white　lines　drawn　by　the

comb　where　my　imagination　ran　as　along　a　dewy　path；all　these　things

put　me；　as　it　were；　beside　myself。　Glancing　round　to　be　sure　that　no

one　saw　me；　I　threw　myself　upon　those　shoulders　as　a　child　upon　the

breast　of　its　mother；　kissing　them　as　I　laid　my　head　there。　The　woman

uttered　a　piercing　cry；　which　the　noise　of　the　music　drowned；　she

turned；　saw　me；　and　exclaimed；　〃Monsieur！〃　Ah！　had　she　said；　〃My

little　lad；　what　possesses　you？〃　I　might　have　killed　her；　but　at　the

word　〃Monsieur！〃　hot　tears　fell　from　my　eyes。　I　was　petrified　by　a

glance　of　saintly　anger；　by　a　noble　face　crowned　with　a　diadem　of

golden　hair　in　harmony　with　the　shoulders　I　adored。　The　crimson　of

offended　modesty　glowed　on　her　cheeks；　though　already　it　was　appeased

by　the　pardoning　instinct　of　a　woman　who　comprehends　a　frenzy　which

she　inspires；　and　divines　the　infinite　adoration　of　those　repentant

tears。　She　moved　away　with　the　step　and　carriage　of　a　queen。



I　then　felt　the　ridicule　of　my　position；　for　the　first　time　I　realized

that　I　was　dressed　like　the　monkey　of　a　barrel　organ。　I　was　ashamed。

There　I　stood；　stupefied；tasting　the　fruit　that　I　had　stolen；

conscious　of　the　warmth　upon　my　lips；　repenting　not；　and　following

with　my　eyes　the　woman　who　had　come　down　to　me　from　heaven。　Sick　with

the　first　fever　of　the　heart　I　wandered　through　the　rooms；　unable　to

find　mine　Unknown；　until　at　last　I　went　home　to　bed；　another　man。



A　new　soul；　a　soul　with　rainbow　wings；　had　burst　its　chrysalis。

Descending　from　the　azure　wastes　where　I　had　long　admired　her；　my　star

had　come　to　me　a　woman；　with　undiminished　lustre　and　purity。　I　loved；

knowing　naught　of　love。　How　strange　a　thing；　this　first　irruption　of

the　keenest　human　emotion　in　the　heart　of　a　man！　I　had　seen　pretty

women　in　other　places；　but　none　had　made　the　slightest　impression　upon

me。　Can　there　be　an　appointed　hour；　a　conjunction　of　stars；　a　union　of

circumstances；　a　certain　woman　among　all　others　to　awaken　an　exclusive

passion　at　the　period　of　life　when　love　includes　the　whole　sex？



The　thought　that　my　Elect　lived　in　Touraine　made　the　air　I　breathed

delicious；　the　blue　of　the　sky　seemed　bluer　than　I　had　ever　yet　seen

it。　I　raved　internally；　but　externally　I　was　seriously　ill；　and　my

mother　had　fears；　not　unmingled　with　remorse。　Like　animals　who　know

when　danger　is　near；　I　hid　myself　away　in　the　garden　to　think　of　the

kiss　that　I　had　stolen。　A　few　days　after　this　memorable　ball　my　mother

attributed　my　neglect　of　study；　my　indifference　to　her　tyrannical

looks　and　sarcasms；　and　my　gloomy　behavior　to　the　condition　of　my

health。　The　country；　that　perpetual　remedy　for　ills　that　doctors

cannot　cure；　seemed　to　her　the　best　means　of　bringing　me　out　of　my

apathy。　She　decided　that　I　should　spend　a　few　weeks　at　Frapesle；　a

chateau　on　the　Indre　midway　between　Montbazon　and　Azay…le…Rideau；

which　belonged　to　a　friend　of　hers；　to　whom；　no　doubt；　she　gave

private　instructions。



By　the　day　when　I　thus　for　the　first　time　gained　my　liberty　I　had　swum

so　vigorously　in　Love's　ocean　that　I　had　well…nigh　crossed　it。　I　knew

nothing　of　mine　unknown　lady；　neither　her　name；　nor　where　to　find　her；

to　whom；　indeed；　could　I　speak　of　her？　My　sensitive　nature　so

exaggerated　the　inexplicable　fears　which　beset　all　youthful　hearts　at

the　first　approach　of　love　that　I　began　with　the　melancholy　which

often　ends　a　hopeless　passion。　I　asked　nothing　better　than　to　roam

about　the　country；　to　come　and　go　and　live　in　the　fields。　With　the

courage　of　a　child　that　fears　no　failure；　in　which　there　is　something

really　chivalrous；　I　determined　to　search　every　chateau　in　Touraine；

travelling　on　foot；　and　saying　to　myself　as　each　old　tower　came　in

sight；　〃She　is　there！〃



Accordingly；　of　a　Thursday　morning　I　left　Tours　by　the　barrier　of

Saint…Eloy；　crossed　the　bridges　of　Saint…Sauveur；　reached　Poncher

whose　every　house　I　examined；　and　took　the　road　to　Chinon。　For　the

first　time　in　my　life　I　could　sit　down　under　a　tree　or　walk　fast　or

slow　as　I　pleased　without　being　dictated　to　by　any　one。　To　a　poor　lad

crushed　under　all　sorts　of　despotism　（which　more　or　less　does　weigh

upon　all　youth）　the　first　employment　of　freedom；　even　though　it　be

expended　upon　nothing；　lifts　the　sou