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第47章

the lily of the valley-第47章

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count was convalescent; I was lying with Jacques and Madeleine on the

step of the portico intent on a game of spillikins which we were

playing with bits of straw and hooks made of pins; Monsieur de

Mortsauf was asleep。 The doctor; while waiting for his horse to be

harnessed; was talking with the countess in the salon。 Monsieur Origet

went away without my noticing his departure。 After he left; Henriette

leaned against the window; from which she watched us for some time

without our seeing her。 It was one of those warm evenings when the sky

is copper…colored and the earth sends up among the echoes a myriad

mingling noises。 A last ray of sunlight was leaving the roofs; the

flowers in the garden perfumed the air; the bells of the cattle

returning to their stalls sounded in the distance。 We were all

conforming to the silence of the evening hour and hushing our voices

that we might not wake the count。 Suddenly; I heard the guttural sound

of a sob violently suppressed; I rushed into the salon and found the

countess sitting by the window with her handkerchief to her face。 She

heard my step and made me an imperious gesture; commanding me to leave

her。 I went up to her; my heart stabbed with fear; and tried to take

her handkerchief away by force。 Her face was bathed in tears and she

fled into her room; which she did not leave again until the hour for

evening prayer。 When that was over; I led her to the terrace and asked

the cause of her emotion; she affected a wild gaiety and explained it

by the news Monsieur Origet had given her。



〃Henriette; Henriette; you knew that news when I saw you weeping。

Between you and me a lie is monstrous。 Why did you forbid me to dry

your tears? were they mine?〃



〃I was thinking;〃 she said; 〃that for me this illness has been a halt

in pain。 Now that I no longer fear for Monsieur de Mortsauf I fear for

myself。〃



She was right。 The count's recovery was soon attested by the return of

his fantastic humor。 He began by saying that neither the countess; nor

I; nor the doctor had known how to take care of him; we were ignorant

of his constitution and also of his disease; we misunderstood his

sufferings and the necessary remedies。 Origet; infatuated with his own

doctrines; had mistaken the case; he ought to have attended only to

the pylorus。 One day he looked at us maliciously; with an air of

having guessed our thoughts; and said to his wife with a smile; 〃Now;

my dear; if I had died you would have regretted me; no doubt; but pray

admit you would have been quite resigned。〃



〃Yes; I should have mourned you in pink and black; court mourning;〃

she answered laughing; to change the tone of his remarks。



But it was chiefly about his food; which the doctor insisted on

regulating; that scenes of violence and wrangling now took place;

unlike any that had hitherto occurred; for the character of the count

was all the more violent for having slumbered。 The countess; fortified

by the doctor's orders and the obedience of her servants; stimulated

too by me; who thought this struggle a good means to teach her to

exercise authority over the count; held out against his violence。 She

showed a calm front to his demented cries; and even grew accustomed to

his insulting epithets; taking him for what he was; a child。 I had the

happiness of at last seeing her take the reins in hand and govern that

unsound mind。 The count cried out; but he obeyed; and he obeyed all

the better when he had made an outcry。 But in spite of the evidence of

good results; Henriette often wept at the spectacle of this emaciated;

feeble old man; with a forehead yellower than the falling leaves; his

eyes wan; his hands trembling。 She blamed herself for too much

severity; and could not resist the joy she saw in his eyes when; in

measuring out his food; she gave him more than the doctor allowed。 She

was even more gentle and gracious to him than she had been to me; but

there were differences here which filled my heart with joy。 She was

not unwearying; and she sometimes called her servants to wait upon the

count when his caprices changed too rapidly; and he complained of not

being understood。



The countess wished to return thanks to God for the count's recovery;

she directed a mass to be said; and asked if I would take her to

church。 I did so; but I left her at the door; and went to see Monsieur

and Madame Chessel。 On my return she reproached me。



〃Henriette;〃 I said; 〃I cannot be false。 I will throw myself into the

water to save my enemy from drowning; and give him my coat to keep him

warm; I will forgive him; but I cannot forget the wrong。〃



She was silent; but she pressed my arm。



〃You are an angel; and you were sincere in your thanksgiving;〃 I said;

continuing。 〃The mother of the Prince of the Peace was saved from the

hands of an angry populace who sought to kill her; and when the queen

asked; 'What did you do?' she answered; 'I prayed for them。' Women are

ever thus。 I am a man; and necessarily imperfect。〃



〃Don't calumniate yourself;〃 she said; shaking my arm; 〃perhaps you

are more worthy than I。〃



〃Yes;〃 I replied; 〃for I would give eternity for a day of happiness;

and you〃



〃I!〃 she said haughtily。



I was silent and lowered my eyes to escape the lightning of hers。



〃There is many an I in me;〃 she said。 〃Of which do you speak? Those

children;〃 pointing to Jacques and Madeleine; 〃are oneFelix;〃 she

cried in a heartrending voice; 〃do you think me selfish? Ought I to

sacrifice eternity to reward him who devotes to me his life? The

thought is dreadful; it wounds every sentiment of religion。 Could a

woman so fallen rise again? Would her happiness absolve her? These are

questions you force me to consider。Yes; I betray at last the secret

of my conscience; the thought has traversed my heart; often do I

expiate it by penance; it caused the tears you asked me to account for

yesterday〃



〃Do you not give too great importance to certain things which common

women hold at a high price; and〃



〃Oh!〃 she said; interrupting me; 〃do you hold them at a lower?〃



This logic stopped all argument。



〃Know this;〃 she continued。 〃I might have the baseness to abandon that

poor old man whose life I am; but; my friend; those other feeble

creatures there before us; Madeleine and Jacques; would remain with

their father。 Do you think; I ask you do you think they would be alive

in three months under the insane dominion of that man? If my failure

of duty concerned only myself〃 A noble smile crossed her face。 〃But

shall I kill my children! My God!〃 she exclaimed。 〃Why speak of these

things? Marry; and let me die!〃



She said the words in a tone so bitter; so hollow; that they stifled

the remonstrances of my passion。



〃You uttered cries that day beneath the walnut…tree; I have uttered my

cries here beneath these alders; that is all;〃 I said; 〃I will be

silent henceforth。〃



〃Your generosity shames me;〃 she said; raising her eyes to heaven。



We reached the terrace and found the count sitting in a chair; in the

sun。 The sight of that sunken face; scarcely brightened by a feeble

smile; extinguished the last flames that came from the ashes。 I leaned

against the balustrade and considered the picture of that poor wreck;

between his sickly children and his wife; pale with her vigils; worn

out by extreme fatigue; by the fears; perhaps also by the joys of

these terrible months; but whose cheeks now glowed from the emotions

she had just passed through。 At the sight of that suffering family

beneath the trembling leafage through which the gray light of a cloudy

autumn sky came dimly; I felt within me a rupture of the bonds which

hold the body to the spirit。 There came upon me then that moral spleen

which; they say; the strongest wrestlers know in the crisis of their

combats; a species of cold madness which makes a coward of the bravest

man; a bigot of an unbeliever; and renders those it grasps in

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