the lily of the valley-第4章

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her　flight；　but　when　the　porter　pulled　the　cord　I　beheld　in　the　street

before　me　Monsieur　Lepitre's　hackney…coach；　and　I　heard　his　pursy

voice　demanding　me！



Three　times　did　fate　interpose　between　the　hell　of　the　Palais…Royal

and　the　heaven　of　my　youth。　On　the　day　when　I；　ashamed　at　twenty　years

of　age　of　my　own　ignorance；　determined　to　risk　all　dangers　to　put　an

end　to　it；　at　the　very　moment　when　I　was　about　to　run　away　from

Monsieur　Lepitre　as　he　got　into　the　coach；a　difficult　process；　for

he　was　as　fat　as　Louis　XVIII。　and　club…footed；well；　can　you　believe

it；　my　mother　arrived　in　a　post…chaise！　Her　glance　arrested　me；　I

stood　still；　like　a　bird　before　a　snake。　What　fate　had　brought　her

there？　The　simplest　thing　in　the　world。　Napoleon　was　then　making　his

last　efforts。　My　father；　who　foresaw　the　return　of　the　Bourbons；　had

come　to　Paris　with　my　mother　to　advise　my　brother；　who　was　employed　in

the　imperial　diplomatic　service。　My　mother　was　to　take　me　back　with

her；　out　of　the　way　of　dangers　which　seemed；　to　those　who　followed　the

march　of　events　intelligently；　to　threaten　the　capital。　In　a　few

minutes；　as　it　were；　I　was　taken　out　of　Paris；　at　the　very　moment　when

my　life　there　was　about　to　become　fatal　to　me。



The　tortures　of　imagination　excited　by　repressed　desires；　the

weariness　of　a　life　depressed　by　constant　privations　had　driven　me　to

study；　just　as　men；　weary　of　fate；　confine　themselves　in　a　cloister。

To　me；　study　had　become　a　passion；　which　might　even　be　fatal　to　my

health　by　imprisoning　me　at　a　period　of　life　when　young　men　ought　to

yield　to　the　bewitching　activities　of　their　springtide　youth。



This　slight　sketch　of　my　boyhood；　in　which　you；　Natalie；　can　readily

perceive　innumerable　songs　of　woe；　was　needful　to　explain　to　you　its

influence　on　my　future　life。　At　twenty　years　of　age；　and　affected　by

many　morbid　elements；　I　was　still　small　and　thin　and　pale。　My　soul；

filled　with　the　will　to　do；　struggled　with　a　body　that　seemed　weakly；

but　which；　in　the　words　of　an　old　physician　at　Tours；　was　undergoing

its　final　fusion　into　a　temperament　of　iron。　Child　in　body　and　old　in

mind；　I　had　read　and　thought　so　much　that　I　knew　life　metaphysically

at　its　highest　reaches　at　the　moment　when　I　was　about　to　enter　the

tortuous　difficulties　of　its　defiles　and　the　sandy　roads　of　its

plains。　A　strange　chance　had　held　me　long　in　that　delightful　period

when　the　soul　awakes　to　its　first　tumults；　to　its　desires　for　joy；　and

the　savor　of　life　is　fresh。　I　stood　in　the　period　between　puberty　and

manhood；the　one　prolonged　by　my　excessive　study；　the　other　tardily

developing　its　living　shoots。　No　young　man　was　ever　more　thoroughly

prepared　to　feel　and　to　love。　To　understand　my　history；　let　your　mind

dwell　on　that　pure　time　of　youth　when　the　mouth　is　innocent　of

falsehood；　when　the　glance　of　the　eye　is　honest；　though　veiled　by　lids

which　droop　from　timidity　contradicting　desire；　when　the　soul　bends

not　to　worldly　Jesuitism；　and　the　heart　throbs　as　violently　from

trepidation　as　from　the　generous　impulses　of　young　emotion。



I　need　say　nothing　of　the　journey　I　made　with　my　mother　from　Paris　to

Tours。　The　coldness　of　her　behavior　repressed　me。　At　each　relay　I

tried　to　speak；　but　a　look；　a　word　from　her　frightened　away　the

speeches　I　had　been　meditating。　At　Orleans；　where　we　had　passed　the

night；　my　mother　complained　of　my　silence。　I　threw　myself　at　her　feet

and　clasped　her　knees；　with　tears　I　opened　my　heart。　I　tried　to　touch

hers　by　the　eloquence　of　my　hungry　love　in　accents　that　might　have

moved　a　stepmother。　She　replied　that　I　was　playing　comedy。　I

complained　that　she　had　abandoned　me。　She　called　me　an　unnatural

child。　My　whole　nature　was　so　wrung　that　at　Blois　I　went　upon　the

bridge　to　drown　myself　in　the　Loire。　The　height　of　the　parapet

prevented　my　suicide。



When　I　reached　home；　my　two　sisters；　who　did　not　know　me；　showed　more

surprise　than　tenderness。　Afterwards；　however；　they　seemed；　by

comparison；　to　be　full　of　kindness　towards　me。　I　was　given　a　room　on

the　third　story。　You　will　understand　the　extent　of　my　hardships　when　I

tell　you　that　my　mother　left　me；　a　young　man　of　twenty；　without　other

linen　than　my　miserable　school　outfit；　or　any　other　outside　clothes

than　those　I　had　long　worn　in　Paris。　If　I　ran　from　one　end　of　the　room

to　the　other　to　pick　up　her　handkerchief；　she　took　it　with　the　cold

thanks　a　lady　gives　to　her　footman。　Driven　to　watch　her　to　find　if

there　were　any　soft　spot　where　I　could　fasten　the　rootlets　of

affection；　I　came　to　see　her　as　she　was；a　tall；　spare　woman；　given

to　cards；　egotistical　and　insolent；　like　all　the　Listomeres；　who　count

insolence　as　part　of　their　dowry。　She　saw　nothing　in　life　except

duties　to　be　fulfilled。　All　cold　women　whom　I　have　known　made；　as　she

did；　a　religion　of　duty；　she　received　our　homage　as　a　priest　receives

the　incense　of　the　mass。　My　elder　brother　appeared　to　absorb　the

trifling　sentiment　of　maternity　which　was　in　her　nature。　She　stabbed

us　constantly　with　her　sharp　irony；the　weapon　of　those　who　have　no

heart；and　which　she　used　against　us；　who　could　make　her　no　reply。



Notwithstanding　these　thorny　hindrances；　the　instinctive　sentiments

have　so　many　roots；　the　religious　fear　inspired　by　a　mother　whom　it　is

dangerous　to　displease　holds　by　so　many　threads；　that　the　sublime

mistakeif　I　may　so　call　itof　our　love　for　our　mother　lasted　until

the　day；　much　later　in　our　lives；　when　we　judged　her　finally。　This

terrible　despotism　drove　from　my　mind　all　thoughts　of　the　voluptuous

enjoyments　I　had　dreamed　of　finding　at　Tours。　In　despair　I　took　refuge

in　my　father's　library；　where　I　set　myself　to　read　every　book　I　did

not　know。　These　long　periods　of　hard　study　saved　me　from　contact　with

my　mother；　but　they　aggravated　the　dangers　of　my　moral　condition。

Sometimes　my　eldest　sistershe　who　afterwards　married　our　cousin；　the

Marquis　de　Listomeretried　to　comfort　me；　without；　however；　being

able　to　calm　the　irritation　to　which　I　was　a　victim。　I　desired　to　die。



Great　events；　of　which　I　knew　nothing；　were　then　in　preparation。　The

Duc　d'Angouleme；　who　had　left　Bordeaux　to　join　Louis　XVIII。　in　Paris；

was　received　in　every　town　through　which　he　passed　with　ovations

inspired　by　the　enthusiasm　felt　throughout　old　France　at　the　return　of

the　Bourbons。　Touraine　was　aroused　for　its　legitimate　princes；　the

town　itself　was　in　a　flutter；　every　window　decorated；　the　inhabitants

in　their　Sunday　clothes；　a　festival　in　preparation；　and　that　nameless

excitement　in　the　air　which　intoxicates；　and　which　gave　me　a　strong

desire　to　be　present　at　the　ball　given　by　the　duke。　When　I　summoned

courage　to　make　this　request　of　my　mother；　who　was　too　ill　to　go

herself；　she　became　extremely　angry。　〃Had　I　come　from　Congo？〃　she

inquired。　〃How　could　I　suppose　that　our　family　would　not　be

represented　at　the　ball？　In　the　absence　of　my　father　and　brother；　of

course　it　was　my　duty　to　be　present。　Had　I　no　mother？　Was　she　not

always　thinking　of　the　welfare　of　her　children？〃



In　a　moment　the　semi…disinherited　son　had　become　a　personage！　I　was

more　dumfounded　by　my　importance　than　by　the　deluge　of　ironical

reasoning　with　which　my　mother　received　my　request。　I　questioned　my

sisters；　and　then　discovered　that　my　mother；　who　liked　such　theatrical

plots；　was　already　attending　to　my　clothes。　The　tailors　in　Tours　were

fully　occupied　by　the　sudden　demands　of　their　regular　customers；　and

my　mother　was　forced　to　employ　her　usual　seamstress；　whoaccording　to

provincial　customcould　do　all　kinds　of　sewing。　A　bottle…blue　coat

had　been　secretly　made　for　me；　after　a　fashion；　and　silk　stockings　and

pumps　provided；　waistcoats　were　then　worn　short；　so　that　I　could　wear

one　of　my　father's；　and　for　the　first　time　in　my　life　I　had　a　shirt

with　a　frill；　the　pleatings　of　which　puffed　out　my　chest　and　were

gathered　in　to　the　knot　of　my　cravat。　When　dressed　in　this　apparel　I

looked　so　little　like　myself　that　my　siste