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第31章

the lily of the valley-第31章

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petty。



The next day when I entered the salon she was there alone。 She looked

at me for a moment; held out her hand; and said; 〃My friend is always

too tender。〃 Her eyes grew moist; she rose; and then she added; in a

tone of desperate entreaty; 〃Never write thus to me again。〃



Monsieur de Mortsauf was very kind。 The countess had recovered her

courage and serenity; but her pallor betrayed the sufferings of the

previous night; which were calmed; but not extinguished。 That evening

she said to me; as she paced among the autumn leaves which rustled

beneath our footsteps; 〃Sorrow is infinite; joys are limited;〃words

which betrayed her sufferings by the comparison she made with the

fleeting delights of the previous week。



〃Do not slander life;〃 I said to her。 〃You are ignorant of love; love

gives happiness which shines in heaven。〃



〃Hush!〃 she said。 〃I wish to know nothing of it。 The Icelander would

die in Italy。 I am calm and happy beside you; I can tell you all my

thoughts; do not destroy my confidence。 Why will you not combine the

virtue of the priest with the charm of a free man。〃



〃You make me drink the hemlock!〃 I cried; taking her hand and laying

it on my heart; which was beating fast。



〃Again!〃 she said; withdrawing her hand as if it pained her。 〃Are you

determined to deny me the sad comfort of letting my wounds be stanched

by a friendly hand? Do not add to my sufferings; you do not know them

all; those that are hidden are the worst to bear。 If you were a woman

you would know the melancholy disgust that fills her soul when she

sees herself the object of attentions which atone for nothing; but are

thought to atone for all。 For the next few days I shall be courted and

caressed; that I may pardon the wrong that has been done。 I could then

obtain consent to any wish of mine; however unreasonable。 I am

humiliated by his humility; by caresses which will cease as soon as he

imagines that I have forgotten that scene。 To owe our master's good

graces to his faults〃



〃His crimes!〃 I interrupted quickly。



〃Is not that a frightful condition of existence?〃 she continued; with

a sad smile。 〃I cannot use this transient power。 At such times I am

like the knights who could not strike a fallen adversary。 To see in

the dust a man whom we ought to honor; to raise him only to enable him

to deal other blows; to suffer from his degradation more than he

suffers himself; to feel ourselves degraded if we profit by such

influence for even a useful end; to spend our strength; to waste the

vigor of our souls in struggles that have no grandeur; to have no

power except for a moment when a fatal crisis comesah; better death!

If I had no children I would let myself drift on the wretched current

of this life; but if I lose my courage; what will become of them? I

must live for them; however cruel this life may be。 You talk to me of

love。 Ah! my dear friend; think of the hell into which I should fling

myself if I gave that pitiless being; pitiless like all weak

creatures; the right to despise me。 The purity of my conduct is my

strength。 Virtue; dear friend; is holy water in which we gain fresh

strength; from which we issue renewed in the love of God。〃



〃Listen to me; dear Henriette; I have only another week to stay here;

and I wish〃



〃Ah; you mean to leave us!〃 she exclaimed。



〃You must know what my father intends to do with me;〃 I replied。 〃It

is now three months〃



〃I have not counted the days;〃 she said; with momentary self…

abandonment。 Then she checked herself and cried; 〃Come; let us go to

Frapesle。〃



She called the count and the children; sent for a shawl; and when all

were ready she; usually so calm and slow in all her movements; became

as active as a Parisian; and we started in a body to pay a visit at

Frapesle which the countess did not owe。 She forced herself to talk to

Madame de Chessel; who was fortunately discursive in her answers。 The

count and Monsieur de Chessel conversed on business。 I was afraid the

former might boast of his carriage and horses; but he committed no

such solecisms。 His neighbor questioned him about his projected

improvements at the Cassine and the Rhetoriere。 I looked at the count;

wondering if he would avoid a subject of conversation so full of

painful memories to all; so cruelly mortifying to him。 On the

contrary; he explained how urgent a duty it was to better the

agricultural condition of the canton; to build good houses and make

the premises salubrious; in short; he glorified himself with his

wife's ideas。 I blushed as I looked at her。 Such want of scruple in a

man who; on certain occasions; could be scrupulous enough; this

oblivion of the dreadful scene; this adoption of ideas against which

he had fought so violently; this confident belief in himself;

petrified me。



When Monsieur de Chessel said to him; 〃Do you expect to recover your

outlay?〃



〃More than recover it!〃 he exclaimed; with a confident gesture。



Such contradictions can be explained only by the word 〃insanity。〃

Henriette; celestial creature; was radiant。 The count was appearing to

be a man of intelligence; a good administrator; an excellent

agriculturist; she played with her boy's curly head; joyous for him;

happy for herself。 What a comedy of pain; what mockery in this drama;

I was horrified by it。 Later in life; when the curtain of the world's

stage was lifted before me; how many other Mortsaufs I saw without the

loyalty and the religious faith of this man。 What strange; relentless

power is it that perpetually awards an angel to a madman; to a man of

heart; of true poetic passion; a base woman; to the petty; grandeur;

to this demented brain; a beautiful; sublime being; to Juana; Captain

Diard; whose history at Bordeaux I have told you; to Madame de

Beauseant; an Ajuda; to Madame d'Aiglemont; her husband; to the

Marquis d'Espard; his wife! Long have I sought the meaning of this

enigma。 I have ransacked many mysteries; I have discovered the reason

of many natural laws; the purport of some divine hieroglyphics; of the

meaning of this dark secret I know nothing。 I study it as I would the

form of an Indian weapon; the symbolic construction of which is known

only to the Brahmans。 In this dread mystery the spirit of Evil is too

visibly the master; I dare not lay the blame to God。 Anguish

irremediable; what power finds amusement in weaving you? Can Henriette

and her mysterious philosopher be right? Does their mysticism contain

the explanation of humanity?



The autumn leaves were falling during the last few days which I passed

in the valley; days of lowering clouds; which do sometimes obscure the

heaven of Touraine; so pure; so warm at that fine season。 The evening

before my departure Madame de Mortsauf took me to the terrace before

dinner。



〃My dear Felix;〃 she said; after we had taken a turn in silence under

the leafless trees; 〃you are about to enter the world; and I wish to

go with you in thought。 Those who have suffered much have lived and

known much。 Do not think that solitary souls know nothing of the

world; on the contrary; they are able to judge it。 Hear me: If I am to

live in and for my friend I must do what I can for his heart and for

his conscience。 When the conflict rages it is hard to remember rules;

therefore let me give you a few instructions; the warnings of a mother

to her son。 The day you leave us I shall give you a letter; a long

letter; in which you will find my woman's thoughts on the world; on

society; on men; on the right methods of meeting difficulty in this

great clash of human interests。 Promise me not to read this letter

till you reach Paris。 I ask it from a fanciful sentiment; one of those

secrets of womanhood not impossible to understand; but which we grieve

to find deciphered; leave me this covert way where as a woman I wish

to walk alone。〃



〃Yes; I promise it;〃 I said; kissing her hand。



〃Ah;〃 she added; 〃I have one 

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