the lily of the valley-第3章

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ecstasy　brought　dreams　unspeakable；　which　fed　my　imagination；　fostered

my　susceptibilities；　and　strengthened　my　thinking　powers。　I　have　often

attributed　those　sublime　visions　to　the　guardian　angel　charged　with

moulding　my　spirit　to　its　divine　destiny；　they　endowed　my　soul　with

the　faculty　of　seeing　the　inner　soul　of　things；　they　prepared　my　heart

for　the　magic　craft　which　makes　a　man　a　poet　when　the　fatal　power　is

his　to　compare　what　he　feels　within　him　with　reality；the　great

things　aimed　for　with　the　small　things　gained。　Those　visions　wrote

upon　my　brain　a　book　in　which　I　read　that　which　I　must　voice；　they

laid　upon　my　lips　the　coal　of　utterance。



My　father　having　conceived　some　doubts　as　to　the　tendency　of　the

Oratorian　teachings；　took　me　from　Pont…le…Voy；　and　sent　me　to　Paris　to

an　institution　in　the　Marais。　I　was　then　fifteen。　When　examined　as　to

my　capacity；　I；　who　was　in　the　rhetoric　class　at　Pont…le…Voy；　was

pronounced　worthy　of　the　third　class。　The　sufferings　I　had　endured　in

my　family　and　in　school　were　continued　under　another　form　during　my

stay　at　the　Lepitre　Academy。　My　father　gave　me　no　money；　I　was　to　be

fed；　clothed；　and　stuffed　with　Latin　and　Greek；　for　a　sum　agreed　on。

During　my　school　life　I　came　in　contact　with　over　a　thousand　comrades；

but　I　never　met　with　such　an　instance　of　neglect　and　indifference　as

mine。　Monsieur　Lepitre；　who　was　fanatically　attached　to　the　Bourbons；

had　had　relations　with　my　father　at　the　time　when　all　devoted

royalists　were　endeavoring　to　bring　about　the　escape　of　Marie

Antoinette　from　the　Temple。　They　had　lately　renewed　acquaintance；　and

Monsieur　Lepitre　thought　himself　obliged　to　repair　my　father's

oversight；　and　to　give　me　a　small　sum　monthly。　But　not　being

authorized　to　do　so；　the　amount　was　small　indeed。



The　Lepitre　establishment　was　in　the　old　Joyeuse　mansion　where；　as　in

all　seignorial　houses；　there　was　a　porter's　lodge。　During　a　recess；

which　preceded　the　hour　when　the　man…of…all…work　took　us　to　the

Charlemagne　Lyceum；　the　well…to…do　pupils　used　to　breakfast　with　the

porter；　named　Doisy。　Monsieur　Lepitre　was　either　ignorant　of　the　fact

or　he　connived　at　this　arrangement　with　Doisy；　a　regular　smuggler　whom

it　was　the　pupils'　interest　to　protect；he　being　the　secret　guardian

of　their　pranks；　the　safe　confidant　of　their　late　returns　and　their

intermediary　for　obtaining　forbidden　books。　Breakfast　on　a　cup　of

〃cafe…au…lait〃　is　an　aristocratic　habit；　explained　by　the　high　prices

to　which　colonial　products　rose　under　Napoleon。　If　the　use　of　sugar

and　coffee　was　a　luxury　to　our　parents；　with　us　it　was　the　sign　of

self…conscious　superiority。　Doisy　gave　credit；　for　he　reckoned　on　the

sisters　and　aunts　of　the　pupils；　who　made　it　a　point　of　honor　to　pay

their　debts。　I　resisted　the　blandishments　of　his　place　for　a　long

time。　If　my　judges　knew　the　strength　of　its　seduction；　the　heroic

efforts　I　made　after　stoicism；　the　repressed　desires　of　my　long

resistance；　they　would　pardon　my　final　overthrow。　But；　child　as　I　was；

could　I　have　the　grandeur　of　soul　that　scorns　the　scorn　of　others？

Moreover；　I　may　have　felt　the　promptings　of　several　social　vices　whose

power　was　increased　by　my　longings。



About　the　end　of　the　second　year　my　father　and　mother　came　to　Paris。

My　brother　had　written　me　the　day　of　their　arrival。　He　lived　in　Paris；

but　had　never　been　to　see　me。　My　sisters；　he　said；　were　of　the　party；

we　were　all　to　see　Paris　together。　The　first　day　we　were　to　dine　in

the　Palais…Royal；　so　as　to　be　near　the　Theatre…Francais。　In　spite　of

the　intoxication　such　a　programme　of　unhoped…for　delights　excited；　my

joy　was　dampened　by　the　wind　of　a　coming　storm；　which　those　who　are

used　to　unhappiness　apprehend　instinctively。　I　was　forced　to　own　a

debt　of　a　hundred　francs　to　the　Sieur　Doisy；　who　threatened　to　ask　my

parents　himself　for　the　money。　I　bethought　me　of　making　my　brother　the

emissary　of　Doisy；　the　mouth…piece　of　my　repentance　and　the　mediator

of　pardon。　My　father　inclined　to　forgiveness；　but　my　mother　was

pitiless；　her　dark　blue　eye　froze　me；　she　fulminated　cruel　prophecies：

〃What　should　I　be　later　if　at　seventeen　years　of　age　I　committed　such

follies？　Was　I　really　a　son　of　hers？　Did　I　mean　to　ruin　my　family？　Did

I　think　myself　the　only　child　of　the　house？　My　brother　Charles's

career；　already　begun；　required　large　outlay；　amply　deserved　by　his

conduct　which　did　honor　to　the　family；　while　mine　would　always

disgrace　it。　Did　I　know　nothing　of　the　value　of　money；　and　what　I　cost

them？　Of　what　use　were　coffee　and　sugar　to　my　education？　Such　conduct

was　the　first　step　into　all　the　vices。〃



After　enduring　the　shock　of　this　torrent　which　rasped　my　soul；　I　was

sent　back　to　school　in　charge　of　my　brother。　I　lost　the　dinner　at　the

Freres　Provencaux；　and　was　deprived　of　seeing　Talma　in　Britannicus。

Such　was　my　first　interview　with　my　mother　after　a　separation　of

twelve　years。



When　I　had　finished　school　my　father　left　me　under　the　guardianship　of

Monsieur　Lepitre。　I　was　to　study　the　higher　mathematics；　follow　a

course　of　law　for　one　year；　and　begin　philosophy。　Allowed　to　study　in

my　own　room　and　released　from　the　classes；　I　expected　a　truce　with

trouble。　But；　in　spite　of　my　nineteen　years；　perhaps　because　of　them；

my　father　persisted　in　the　system　which　had　sent　me　to　school　without

food；　to　an　academy　without　pocket…money；　and　had　driven　me　into　debt

to　Doisy。　Very　little　money　was　allowed　to　me；　and　what　can　you　do　in

Paris　without　money？　Moreover；　my　freedom　was　carefully　chained　up。

Monsieur　Lepitre　sent　me　to　the　law　school　accompanied　by　a　man…of…

all…work　who　handed　me　over　to　the　professor　and　fetched　me　home

again。　A　young　girl　would　have　been　treated　with　less　precaution　than

my　mother's　fears　insisted　on　for　me。　Paris　alarmed　my　parents；　and

justly。　Students　are　secretly　engaged　in　the　same　occupation　which

fills　the　minds　of　young　ladies　in　their　boarding…schools。　Do　what　you

will；　nothing　can　prevent　the　latter　from　talking　of　lovers；　or　the

former　of　women。　But　in　Paris；　and　especially　at　this　particular　time；

such　talk　among　young　lads　was　influenced　by　the　oriental　and　sultanic

atmosphere　and　customs　of　the　Palais…Royal。



The　Palais…Royal　was　an　Eldorado　of　love　where　the　ingots　melted　away

in　coin；　there　virgin　doubts　were　over；　there　curiosity　was　appeased。

The　Palais…Royal　and　I　were　two　asymptotes　bearing　one　towards　the

other；　yet　unable　to　meet。　Fate　miscarried　all　my　attempts。　My　father

had　presented　me　to　one　of　my　aunts　who　lived　in　the　Ile　St。　Louis。

With　her　I　was　to　dine　on　Sundays　and　Thursdays；　escorted　to　the　house

by　either　Monsieur　or　Madame　Lepitre；　who　went　out　themselves　on　those

days　and　were　to　call　for　me　on　their　way　home。　Singular　amusement　for

a　young　lad！　My　aunt；　the　Marquise　de　Listomere；　was　a　great　lady；　of

ceremonious　habits；　who　would　never　have　dreamed　of　offering　me　money。

Old　as　a　cathedral；　painted　like　a　miniature；　sumptuous　in　dress；　she

lived　in　her　great　house　as　though　Louis　XV。　were　not　dead；　and　saw

none　but　old　women　and　men　of　a　past　day；a　fossil　society　which　made

me　think　I　was　in　a　graveyard。　No　one　spoke　to　me　and　I　had　not　the

courage　to　speak　first。　Cold　and　alien　looks　made　me　ashamed　of　my

youth；　which　seemed　to　annoy　them。　I　counted　on　this　indifference　to

aid　me　in　certain　plans；　I　was　resolved　to　escape　some　day　directly

after　dinner　and　rush　to　the　Palais…Royal。　Once　seated　at　whist　my

aunt　would　pay　no　attention　to　me。　Jean；　the　footman；　cared　little　for

Monsieur　Lepitre　and　would　have　aided　me；　but　on　the　day　I　chose　for

my　adventure　that　luckless　dinner　was　longer　than　usual；either

because　the　jaws　employed　were　worn　out　or　the　false　teeth　more

imperfect。　At　last；　between　eight　and　nine　o'clock；　I　reached　the

staircase；　my　heart　beating　like　that　of　Bianca　Capello　on　the　day　of

her　flight；　but　when　the　porter　pulled　the　cord　I　beheld　in　the　street

before　me　Monsieur　Lepitre