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第23章

the lily of the valley-第23章

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that cold; calculating; ambitious woman and a daughter abounding in

the tender natural kindness that never faileth; you must imagine a

lily; to which my heart has always compared her; bruised beneath the

polished wheels of a steel car。 That mother had nothing in common with

her daughter; she was unable even to imagine the real difficulties

which hindered her from taking advantage of the Restoration and forced

her to continue a life of solitude。 Though families bury their

internal dissensions with the utmost care; enter behind the scenes;

and you will find in nearly all of them deep; incurable wounds; which

lessen the natural affections。 Sometimes these wounds are given by

passions real and most affecting; rendered eternal by the dignity of

those who feel them; sometimes by latent hatreds which slowly freeze

the heart and dry all tears when the hour of parting comes。 Tortured

yesterday and to…day; wounded by all; even by the suffering children

who were guiltless of the ills they endured; how could that poor soul

fail to love the one human being who did not strike her; who would

fain have built a wall of defence around her to guard her from storms;

from harsh contacts and cruel blows? Though I suffered from a

knowledge of these debates; there were moments when I was happy in the

sense that she rested upon my heart; for she told me of these new

troubles。 Day by day I learned more fully the meaning of her words;

〃Love me as my aunt loved me。〃



〃Have you no ambition?〃 the duchess said to me at dinner; with a stern

air。



〃Madame;〃 I replied; giving her a serious look; 〃I have enough in me

to conquer the world; but I am only twenty…one; and I am all alone。〃



She looked at her daughter with some astonishment。 Evidently she

believed that Henriette had crushed my ambition in order to keep me

near her。 The visit of Madame de Lenoncourt was a period of unrelieved

constraint。 The countess begged me to be cautious; she was frightened

by the least kind word; to please her I wore the harness of deceit。

The great Thursday came; it was a day of wearisome ceremonial;one of

those stiff days which lovers hate; when their chair is no longer in

its place; and the mistress of the house cannot be with them。 Love has

a horror of all that does not concern itself。 But the duchess returned

at last to the pomps and vanities of the court; and Clochegourde

recovered its accustomed order。



My little quarrel with the count resulted in making me more at home in

the house than ever; I could go there at all times without hindrance;

and the antecedents of my life inclined me to cling like a climbing

plant to the beautiful soul which had opened to me the enchanting

world of shared emotions。 Every hour; every minute; our fraternal

marriage; founded on trust; became a surer thing; each of us settled

firmly into our own position; the countess enfolded me with her

nurturing care; with the white draperies of a love that was wholly

maternal; while my love for her; seraphic in her presence; seared me

as with hot irons when away from her。 I loved her with a double love

which shot its arrows of desire; and then lost them in the sky; where

they faded out of sight in the impermeable ether。 If you ask me why;

young and ardent; I continued in the deluding dreams of Platonic love;

I must own to you that I was not yet man enough to torture that woman;

who was always in dread of some catastrophe to her children; always

fearing some outburst of her husband's stormy temper; martyrized by

him when not afflicted by the illness of Jacques or Madeleine; and

sitting beside one or the other of them when her husband allowed her a

little rest。 The mere sound of too warm a word shook her whole being;

a desire shocked her; what she needed was a veiled love; support

mingled with tenderness;that; in short; which she gave to others。

Then; need I tell you; who are so truly feminine? this situation

brought with it hours of delightful languor; moments of divine

sweetness and content which followed by secret immolation。 Her

conscience was; if I may call it so; contagious; her self…devotion

without earthly recompense awed me by its persistence; the living;

inward piety which was the bond of her other virtues filled the air

about her with spiritual incense。 Besides; I was young;young enough

to concentrate my whole being on the kiss she allowed me too seldom to

lay upon her hand; of which she gave me only the back; and never the

palm; as though she drew the line of sensual emotions there。 No two

souls ever clasped each other with so much ardor; no bodies were ever

more victoriously annihilated。 Later I understood the cause of this

sufficing joy。 At my age no worldly interests distracted my heart; no

ambitions blocked the stream of a love which flowed like a torrent;

bearing all things on its bosom。 Later; we love the woman in a woman;

but the first woman we love is the whole of womanhood; her children

are ours; her interests are our interests; her sorrows our greatest

sorrow; we love her gown; the familiar things about her; we are more

grieved by a trifling loss of hers than if we knew we had lost

everything。 This is the sacred love that makes us live in the being of

another; whereas later; alas! we draw another life into ours; and

require a woman to enrich our pauper spirit with her young soul。



I was now one of the household; and I knew for the first time an

infinite sweetness; which to a nature bruised as mine was like a bath

to a weary body; the soul is refreshed in every fibre; comforted to

its very depths。 You will hardly understand me; for you are a woman;

and I am speaking now of a happiness women give but do not receive。 A

man alone knows the choice happiness of being; in the midst of a

strange household; the privileged friend of its mistress; the secret

centre of her affections。 No dog barks at you; the servants; like the

dogs; recognize your rights; the children (who are never misled; and

know that their power cannot be lessened; and that you cherish the

light of their life); the children possess the gift of divination;

they play with you like kittens and assume the friendly tyranny they

show only to those they love; they are full of intelligent discretion

and come and go on tiptoe without noise。 Every one hastens to do you

service; all like you; and smile upon you。 True passions are like

beautiful flowers all the more charming to the eye when they grow in a

barren soil。



But if I enjoyed the delightful benefits of naturalization in a family

where I found relations after my own heart; I had also to pay some

costs for it。 Until then Monsieur de Mortsauf had more or less

restrained himself before me。 I had only seen his failings in the

mass; I was now to see the full extent of their application and

discover how nobly charitable the countess had been in the account she

had given me of these daily struggles。 I learned now all the angles of

her husband's intolerable nature; I heard his perpetual scolding about

nothing; complaints of evils of which not a sign existed; I saw the

inward dissatisfaction which poisoned his life; and the incessant need

of his tyrannical spirit for new victims。 When we went to walk in the

evenings he selected the way; but whichever direction we took he was

always bored; when we reached home he blamed others; his wife had

insisted on going where she wanted; why was he governed by her in all

the trifling things of life? was he to have no will; no thought of his

own? must he consent to be a cipher in his own house? If his harshness

was to be received in patient silence he was angry because he felt a

limit to his power; he asked sharply if religion did not require a

wife to please her husband; and whether it was proper to despise the

father of her children? He always ended by touching some sensitive

chord in his wife's mind; and he seemed to find a domineering pleasure

in making it sound。 Sometimes he tried gloomy 

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