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第2章

the lily of the valley-第2章

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forbidden to stay in the garden after dark。



Such tyrannical restrains intensify a passion in the hearts of

children even more than in those of men; children think of nothing but

the forbidden thing; which then becomes irresistibly attractive to

them。 I was often whipped for my star。 Unable to confide in my kind; I

told it all my troubles in that delicious inward prattle with which we

stammer our first ideas; just as once we stammered our first words。 At

twelve years of age; long after I was at school; I still watched that

star with indescribable delight;so deep and lasting are the

impressions we receive in the dawn of life。



My brother Charles; five years older than I and as handsome a boy as

he now is a man; was the favorite of my father; the idol of my mother;

and consequently the sovereign of the house。 He was robust and well…

made; and had a tutor。 I; puny and even sickly; was sent at five years

of age as day pupil to a school in the town; taken in the morning and

brought back at night by my father's valet。 I was sent with a scanty

lunch; while my school…fellows brought plenty of good food。 This

trifling contrast between my privations and their prosperity made me

suffer deeply。 The famous potted pork prepared at Tours and called

〃rillettes〃 and 〃rillons〃 was the chief feature of their mid…day meal;

between the early breakfast and the parent's dinner; which was ready

when we returned from school。 This preparation of meat; much prized by

certain gourmands; is seldom seen at Tours on aristocratic tables; if

I had ever heard of it before I went to school; I certainly had never

had the happiness of seeing that brown mess spread on slices of bread

and butter。 Nevertheless; my desire for those 〃rillons〃 was so great

that it grew to be a fixed idea; like the longing of an elegant

Parisian duchess for the stews cooked by a porter's wife;longings

which; being a woman; she found means to satisfy。 Children guess each

other's covetousness; just as you are able to read a man's love; by

the look in the eyes; consequently I became an admirable butt for

ridicule。 My comrades; nearly all belonging to the lower bourgeoisie;

would show me their 〃rillons〃 and ask if I knew how they were made and

where they were sold; and why it was that I never had any。 They licked

their lips as they talked of themscraps of pork pressed in their own

fat and looking like cooked truffles; they inspected my lunch…basket;

and finding nothing better than Olivet cheese or dried fruits; they

plagued me with questions: 〃Is that all you have? have you really

nothing else?〃speeches which made me realize the difference between

my brother and myself。



This contrast between my own abandonment and the happiness of others

nipped the roses of my childhood and blighted my budding youth。 The

first time that I; mistaking my comrades' actions for generosity; put

forth my hand to take the dainty I had so long coveted and which was

now hypocritically held out to me; my tormentor pulled back his slice

to the great delight of his comrades who were expecting that result。

If noble and distinguished minds are; as we often find them; capable

of vanity; can we blame the child who weeps when despised and jeered

at? Under such a trial many boys would have turned into gluttons and

cringing beggars。 I fought to escape my persecutors。 The courage of

despair made me formidable; but I was hated; and thus had no

protection against treachery。 One evening as I left school I was

struck in the back by a handful of small stones tied in a

handkerchief。 When the valet; who punished the perpetrator; told this

to my mother she exclaimed: 〃That dreadful child! he will always be a

torment to us。〃



Finding that I inspired in my schoolmates the same repulsion that was

felt for me by my family; I sank into a horrible distrust of myself。 A

second fall of snow checked the seeds that were germinating in my

soul。 The boys whom I most liked were notorious scamps; this fact

roused my pride and I held aloof。 Again I was shut up within myself

and had no vent for the feelings with which my heart was full。 The

master of the school; observing that I was gloomy; disliked by my

comrades; and always alone; confirmed the family verdict as to my

sulky temper。 As soon as I could read and write; my mother transferred

me to Pont…le…Voy; a school in charge of Oratorians who took boys of

my age into a form called the 〃class of the Latin steps〃 where dull

lads with torpid brains were apt to linger。



There I remained eight years without seeing my family; living the life

of a pariah;partly for the following reason。 I received but three

francs a month pocket…money; a sum barely sufficient to buy the pens;

ink; paper; knives; and rules which we were forced to supply

ourselves。 Unable to buy stilts or skipping…ropes; or any of the

things that were used in the playground; I was driven out of the

games; to gain admission on suffrage I should have had to toady the

rich and flatter the strong of my division。 My heart rose against

either of these meannesses; which; however; most children readily

employ。 I lived under a tree; lost in dejected thought; or reading the

books distributed to us monthly by the librarian。 How many griefs were

in the shadow of that solitude; what genuine anguish filled my

neglected life! Imagine what my sore heart felt when; at the first

distribution of prizes;of which I obtained the two most valued;

namely; for theme and for translation;neither my father nor my

mother was present in the theatre when I came forward to receive the

awards amid general acclamations; although the building was filled

with the relatives of all my comrades。 Instead of kissing the

distributor; according to custom; I burst into tears and threw myself

on his breast。 That night I burned my crowns in the stove。 The parents

of the other boys were in town for a whole week preceding the

distribution of the prizes; and my comrades departed joyfully the next

day; while I; whose father and mother were only a few miles distant;

remained at the school with the 〃outremers;〃a name given to scholars

whose families were in the colonies or in foreign countries。



You will notice throughout how my unhappiness increased in proportion

as the social spheres on which I entered widened。 God knows what

efforts I made to weaken the decree which condemned me to live within

myself! What hopes; long cherished with eagerness of soul; were doomed

to perish in a day! To persuade my parents to come and see me; I wrote

them letters full of feeling; too emphatically worded; it may be; but

surely such letters ought not to have drawn upon me my mother's

reprimand; coupled with ironical reproaches for my style。 Not

discouraged even then; I implored the help of my sisters; to whom I

always wrote on their birthdays and fete…days with the persistence of

a neglected child; but it was all in vain。 As the day for the

distribution of prizes approached I redoubled my entreaties; and told

of my expected triumphs。 Misled by my parents' silence; I expected

them with a beating heart。 I told my schoolfellows they were coming;

and then; when the old porter's step sounded in the corridors as he

called my happy comrades one by one to receive their friends; I was

sick with expectation。 Never did that old man call my name!



One day; when I accused myself to my confessor of having cursed my

life; he pointed to the skies; where grew; he said; the promised palm

for the 〃Beati qui lugent〃 of the Saviour。 From the period of my first

communion I flung myself into the mysterious depths of prayer;

attracted to religious ideas whose moral fairyland so fascinates young

spirits。 Burning with ardent faith; I prayed to God to renew in my

behalf the miracles I had read of in martyrology。 At five years of age

I fled to my star; at twelve I took refuge in the sanctuary。 My

ecstasy brought dreams unspeakable; which fed my imagination; fostered

my 

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