the lily of the valley-第2章

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forbidden　to　stay　in　the　garden　after　dark。



Such　tyrannical　restrains　intensify　a　passion　in　the　hearts　of

children　even　more　than　in　those　of　men；　children　think　of　nothing　but

the　forbidden　thing；　which　then　becomes　irresistibly　attractive　to

them。　I　was　often　whipped　for　my　star。　Unable　to　confide　in　my　kind；　I

told　it　all　my　troubles　in　that　delicious　inward　prattle　with　which　we

stammer　our　first　ideas；　just　as　once　we　stammered　our　first　words。　At

twelve　years　of　age；　long　after　I　was　at　school；　I　still　watched　that

star　with　indescribable　delight；so　deep　and　lasting　are　the

impressions　we　receive　in　the　dawn　of　life。



My　brother　Charles；　five　years　older　than　I　and　as　handsome　a　boy　as

he　now　is　a　man；　was　the　favorite　of　my　father；　the　idol　of　my　mother；

and　consequently　the　sovereign　of　the　house。　He　was　robust　and　well…

made；　and　had　a　tutor。　I；　puny　and　even　sickly；　was　sent　at　five　years

of　age　as　day　pupil　to　a　school　in　the　town；　taken　in　the　morning　and

brought　back　at　night　by　my　father's　valet。　I　was　sent　with　a　scanty

lunch；　while　my　school…fellows　brought　plenty　of　good　food。　This

trifling　contrast　between　my　privations　and　their　prosperity　made　me

suffer　deeply。　The　famous　potted　pork　prepared　at　Tours　and　called

〃rillettes〃　and　〃rillons〃　was　the　chief　feature　of　their　mid…day　meal；

between　the　early　breakfast　and　the　parent's　dinner；　which　was　ready

when　we　returned　from　school。　This　preparation　of　meat；　much　prized　by

certain　gourmands；　is　seldom　seen　at　Tours　on　aristocratic　tables；　if

I　had　ever　heard　of　it　before　I　went　to　school；　I　certainly　had　never

had　the　happiness　of　seeing　that　brown　mess　spread　on　slices　of　bread

and　butter。　Nevertheless；　my　desire　for　those　〃rillons〃　was　so　great

that　it　grew　to　be　a　fixed　idea；　like　the　longing　of　an　elegant

Parisian　duchess　for　the　stews　cooked　by　a　porter's　wife；longings

which；　being　a　woman；　she　found　means　to　satisfy。　Children　guess　each

other's　covetousness；　just　as　you　are　able　to　read　a　man's　love；　by

the　look　in　the　eyes；　consequently　I　became　an　admirable　butt　for

ridicule。　My　comrades；　nearly　all　belonging　to　the　lower　bourgeoisie；

would　show　me　their　〃rillons〃　and　ask　if　I　knew　how　they　were　made　and

where　they　were　sold；　and　why　it　was　that　I　never　had　any。　They　licked

their　lips　as　they　talked　of　themscraps　of　pork　pressed　in　their　own

fat　and　looking　like　cooked　truffles；　they　inspected　my　lunch…basket；

and　finding　nothing　better　than　Olivet　cheese　or　dried　fruits；　they

plagued　me　with　questions：　〃Is　that　all　you　have？　have　you　really

nothing　else？〃speeches　which　made　me　realize　the　difference　between

my　brother　and　myself。



This　contrast　between　my　own　abandonment　and　the　happiness　of　others

nipped　the　roses　of　my　childhood　and　blighted　my　budding　youth。　The

first　time　that　I；　mistaking　my　comrades'　actions　for　generosity；　put

forth　my　hand　to　take　the　dainty　I　had　so　long　coveted　and　which　was

now　hypocritically　held　out　to　me；　my　tormentor　pulled　back　his　slice

to　the　great　delight　of　his　comrades　who　were　expecting　that　result。

If　noble　and　distinguished　minds　are；　as　we　often　find　them；　capable

of　vanity；　can　we　blame　the　child　who　weeps　when　despised　and　jeered

at？　Under　such　a　trial　many　boys　would　have　turned　into　gluttons　and

cringing　beggars。　I　fought　to　escape　my　persecutors。　The　courage　of

despair　made　me　formidable；　but　I　was　hated；　and　thus　had　no

protection　against　treachery。　One　evening　as　I　left　school　I　was

struck　in　the　back　by　a　handful　of　small　stones　tied　in　a

handkerchief。　When　the　valet；　who　punished　the　perpetrator；　told　this

to　my　mother　she　exclaimed：　〃That　dreadful　child！　he　will　always　be　a

torment　to　us。〃



Finding　that　I　inspired　in　my　schoolmates　the　same　repulsion　that　was

felt　for　me　by　my　family；　I　sank　into　a　horrible　distrust　of　myself。　A

second　fall　of　snow　checked　the　seeds　that　were　germinating　in　my

soul。　The　boys　whom　I　most　liked　were　notorious　scamps；　this　fact

roused　my　pride　and　I　held　aloof。　Again　I　was　shut　up　within　myself

and　had　no　vent　for　the　feelings　with　which　my　heart　was　full。　The

master　of　the　school；　observing　that　I　was　gloomy；　disliked　by　my

comrades；　and　always　alone；　confirmed　the　family　verdict　as　to　my

sulky　temper。　As　soon　as　I　could　read　and　write；　my　mother　transferred

me　to　Pont…le…Voy；　a　school　in　charge　of　Oratorians　who　took　boys　of

my　age　into　a　form　called　the　〃class　of　the　Latin　steps〃　where　dull

lads　with　torpid　brains　were　apt　to　linger。



There　I　remained　eight　years　without　seeing　my　family；　living　the　life

of　a　pariah；partly　for　the　following　reason。　I　received　but　three

francs　a　month　pocket…money；　a　sum　barely　sufficient　to　buy　the　pens；

ink；　paper；　knives；　and　rules　which　we　were　forced　to　supply

ourselves。　Unable　to　buy　stilts　or　skipping…ropes；　or　any　of　the

things　that　were　used　in　the　playground；　I　was　driven　out　of　the

games；　to　gain　admission　on　suffrage　I　should　have　had　to　toady　the

rich　and　flatter　the　strong　of　my　division。　My　heart　rose　against

either　of　these　meannesses；　which；　however；　most　children　readily

employ。　I　lived　under　a　tree；　lost　in　dejected　thought；　or　reading　the

books　distributed　to　us　monthly　by　the　librarian。　How　many　griefs　were

in　the　shadow　of　that　solitude；　what　genuine　anguish　filled　my

neglected　life！　Imagine　what　my　sore　heart　felt　when；　at　the　first

distribution　of　prizes；of　which　I　obtained　the　two　most　valued；

namely；　for　theme　and　for　translation；neither　my　father　nor　my

mother　was　present　in　the　theatre　when　I　came　forward　to　receive　the

awards　amid　general　acclamations；　although　the　building　was　filled

with　the　relatives　of　all　my　comrades。　Instead　of　kissing　the

distributor；　according　to　custom；　I　burst　into　tears　and　threw　myself

on　his　breast。　That　night　I　burned　my　crowns　in　the　stove。　The　parents

of　the　other　boys　were　in　town　for　a　whole　week　preceding　the

distribution　of　the　prizes；　and　my　comrades　departed　joyfully　the　next

day；　while　I；　whose　father　and　mother　were　only　a　few　miles　distant；

remained　at　the　school　with　the　〃outremers；〃a　name　given　to　scholars

whose　families　were　in　the　colonies　or　in　foreign　countries。



You　will　notice　throughout　how　my　unhappiness　increased　in　proportion

as　the　social　spheres　on　which　I　entered　widened。　God　knows　what

efforts　I　made　to　weaken　the　decree　which　condemned　me　to　live　within

myself！　What　hopes；　long　cherished　with　eagerness　of　soul；　were　doomed

to　perish　in　a　day！　To　persuade　my　parents　to　come　and　see　me；　I　wrote

them　letters　full　of　feeling；　too　emphatically　worded；　it　may　be；　but

surely　such　letters　ought　not　to　have　drawn　upon　me　my　mother's

reprimand；　coupled　with　ironical　reproaches　for　my　style。　Not

discouraged　even　then；　I　implored　the　help　of　my　sisters；　to　whom　I

always　wrote　on　their　birthdays　and　fete…days　with　the　persistence　of

a　neglected　child；　but　it　was　all　in　vain。　As　the　day　for　the

distribution　of　prizes　approached　I　redoubled　my　entreaties；　and　told

of　my　expected　triumphs。　Misled　by　my　parents'　silence；　I　expected

them　with　a　beating　heart。　I　told　my　schoolfellows　they　were　coming；

and　then；　when　the　old　porter's　step　sounded　in　the　corridors　as　he

called　my　happy　comrades　one　by　one　to　receive　their　friends；　I　was

sick　with　expectation。　Never　did　that　old　man　call　my　name！



One　day；　when　I　accused　myself　to　my　confessor　of　having　cursed　my

life；　he　pointed　to　the　skies；　where　grew；　he　said；　the　promised　palm

for　the　〃Beati　qui　lugent〃　of　the　Saviour。　From　the　period　of　my　first

communion　I　flung　myself　into　the　mysterious　depths　of　prayer；

attracted　to　religious　ideas　whose　moral　fairyland　so　fascinates　young

spirits。　Burning　with　ardent　faith；　I　prayed　to　God　to　renew　in　my

behalf　the　miracles　I　had　read　of　in　martyrology。　At　five　years　of　age

I　fled　to　my　star；　at　twelve　I　took　refuge　in　the　sanctuary。　My

ecstasy　brought　dreams　unspeakable；　which　fed　my　imagination；　fostered

my