the lily of the valley-第19章

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region。　No　matter　what　care　I　give　to　it；　I　cannot　always　prevent　our

tenants　from　putting　our　manure　upon　their　ground；　I　cannot　be　ever　on

the　watch　lest　they　take　advantage　of　us　in　the　division　of　the　crops；

neither　can　I　always　know　the　exact　moment　when　sales　should　be　made。

So；　if　you　think　of　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf's　defective　memory；　and　the

difficulty　you　have　seen　me　have　in　persuading　him　to　attend　to

business；　you　can　understand　the　burden　that　is　on　my　shoulders；　and

the　impossibility　of　my　laying　it　down　for　a　single　day。　If　I　were

absent　we　should　be　ruined。　No　one　would　obey　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf。　In

the　first　place　his　orders　are　conflicting；　then　no　one　likes　him；　he

finds　incessant　fault；　and　he　is　very　domineering。　Moreover；　like　all

men　of　feeble　mind；　he　listens　too　readily　to　his　inferiors。　If　I　left

the　house　not　a　servant　would　be　in　it　in　a　week's　time。　So　you　see　I

am　attached　to　Clochegourde　as　those　leaden　finals　are　to　our　roof。　I

have　no　reserves　with　you。　The　whole　country…side　is　still　ignorant　of

the　secrets　of　this　house；　but　you　know　them；　you　have　seen　them。　Say

nothing　but　what　is　kind　and　friendly；　and　you　shall　have　my　esteem

my　gratitude；〃　she　added　in　a　softer　voice。　〃On　those　terms　you　are

welcome　at　Clochegourde；　where　you　will　find　friends。〃



〃Ah！〃　I　exclaimed；　〃I　see　that　I　have　never　really　suffered；　while

you〃



〃No；　no！〃　she　exclaimed；　with　a　smile；　that　smile　of　all　resigned

women　which　might　melt　a　granite　rock。　〃Do　not　be　astonished　at　my

frank　confidence；　it　shows　you　life　as　it　is；　not　as　your　imagination

pictures　it。　We　all　have　our　defects　and　our　good　qualities。　If　I　had

married　a　spendthrift　he　would　have　ruined　me。　If　I　had　given　myself

to　an　ardent　and　pleasure…loving　young　man；　perhaps　I　could　not　have

retained　him；　he　might　have　left　me；　and　I　should　have　died　of

jealousy。　For　I　am　jealous！〃　she　said；　in　a　tone　of　excitement；　which

was　like　the　thunderclap　of　a　passing　storm。　〃But　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf

loves　me　as　much　as　he　is　capable　of　loving；　all　that　his　heart

contains　of　affection　he　pours　at　my　feet；　like　the　Magdalen's　cup　of

ointment。　Believe　me；　a　life　of　love　is　an　exception　to　the　laws　of

this　earth；　all　flowers　fade；　great　joys　and　emotions　have　a　morrow　of

evilif　a　morrow　at　all。　Real　life　is　a　life　of　anguish；　its　image　is

in　that　nettle　growing　there　at　the　foot　of　the　wall；no　sun　can

reach　it　and　it　keeps　green。　Yet；　here；　as　in　parts　of　the　North；

there　are　smiles　in　the　sky；　few　to　be　sure；　but　they　compensate　for

many　a　grief。　Moreover；　women　who　are　naturally　mothers　live　and　love

far　more　through　sacrifices　than　through　pleasures。　Here　I　draw　upon

myself　the　storms　I　fear　may　break　upon　my　children　or　my　people；　and

in　doing　so　I　feel　a　something　I　cannot　explain；　which　gives　me　secret

courage。　The　resignation　of　the　night　carries　me　through　the　day　that

follows。　God　does　not　leave　me　comfortless。　Time　was　when　the

condition　of　my　children　filled　me　with　despair；　to…day　as　they

advance　in　life　they　grow　healthier　and　stronger。　And　then；　after　all；

our　home　is　improved　and　beautified；　our　means　are　improving　also。　Who

knows　but　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf's　old　age　may　be　a　blessing　to　me？　Ah；

believe　me！　those　who　stand　before　the　Great　Judge　with　palms　in　their

hands；　leading　comforted　to　Him　the　beings　who　cursed　their　lives；

they；　they　have　turned　their　sorrows　into　joy。　If　my　sufferings　bring

about　the　happiness　of　my　family；　are　they　sufferings　at　all？〃



〃Yes；〃　I　said；　〃they　are；　but　they　were　necessary；　as　mine　have　been；

to　make　us　understand　the　true　flavor　of　the　fruit　that　has　ripened　on

our　rocks。　Now；　surely；　we　shall　taste　it　together；　surely　we　may

admire　its　wonders；　the　sweetness　of　affection　it　has　poured　into　our

souls；　that　inward　sap　which　revives　the　searing　leavesGood　God！　do

you　not　understand　me？〃　I　cried；　falling　into　the　mystical　language　to

which　our　religious　training　had　accustomed　us。　〃See　the　paths　by

which　we　have　approached　each　other；　what　magnet　led　us　through　that

ocean　of　bitterness　to　these　springs　of　running　water；　flowing　at　the

foot　of　those　hills　above　the　shining　sands　and　between　their　green

and　flowery　meadows？　Have　we　not　followed　the　same　star？　We　stand

before　the　cradle　of　a　divine　child　whose　joyous　carol　will　renew　the

world　for　us；　teach　us　through　happiness　a　love　of　life；　give　to　our

nights　their　long…lost　sleep；　and　to　the　days　their　gladness。　What

hand　is　this　that　year　by　year　has　tied　new　cords　between　us？　Are　we

not　more　than　brother　and　sister？　That　which　heaven　has　joined　we　must

not　keep　asunder。　The　sufferings　you　reveal　are　the　seeds　scattered　by

the　sower　for　the　harvest　already　ripening　in　the　sunshine。　Shall　we

not　gather　it　sheaf　by　sheaf？　What　strength　is　in　me　that　I　dare

address　you　thus！　Answer；　or　I　will　never　again　recross　that　river！〃



〃You　have　spared　me　the　word　LOVE；〃　she　said；　in　a　stern　voice；　〃but

you　have　spoken　of　a　sentiment　of　which　I　know　nothing　and　which　is

not　permitted　to　me。　You　are　a　child；　and　again　I　pardon　you；　but　for

the　last　time。　Endeavor　to　understand；　Monsieur；　that　my　heart　is；　as

it　were；　intoxicated　with　motherhood。　I　love　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf

neither　from　social　duty　nor　from　a　calculated　desire　to　win　eternal

blessings；　but　from　an　irresistible　feeling　which　fastens　all　the

fibres　of　my　heart　upon　him。　Was　my　marriage　a　mistake？　My　sympathy

for　misfortune　led　to　it。　It　is　the　part　of　women　to　heal　the　woes

caused　by　the　march　of　events；　to　comfort　those　who　rush　into　the

breach　and　return　wounded。　How　shall　I　make　you　understand　me？　I　have

felt　a　selfish　pleasure　in　seeing　that　you　amused　him；　is　not　that

pure　motherhood？　Did　I　not　make　you　see　by　what　I　owned　just　now；　the

THREE　children　to　whom　I　am　bound；　to　whom　I　shall　never　fail；　on　whom

I　strive　to　shed　a　healing　dew　and　the　light　of　my　own　soul　without

withdrawing　or　adulterating　a　single　particle？　Do　not　embitter　the

mother's　milk！　though　as　a　wife　I　am　invulnerable；　you　must　never

again　speak　thus　to　me。　If　you　do　not　respect　this　command；　simple　as

it　is；　the　door　of　this　house　will　be　closed　to　you。　I　believed　in

pure　friendship；　in　a　voluntary　brotherhood；　more　real；　I　thought；

than　the　brotherhood　of　blood。　I　was　mistaken。　I　wanted　a　friend　who

was　not　a　judge；　a　friend　who　would　listen　to　me　in　those　moments　of

weakness　when　reproof　is　killing；　a　sacred　friend　from　whom　I　should

have　nothing　to　fear。　Youth　is　noble；　truthful；　capable　of　sacrifice；

disinterested；　seeing　your　persistency　in　coming　to　us；　I　believed；

yes；　I　will　admit　that　I　believed　in　some　divine　purpose；　I　thought　I

should　find　a　soul　that　would　be　mine；　as　the　priest　is　the　soul　of

all；　a　heart　in　which　to　pour　my　troubles　when　they　deluged　mine；　a

friend　to　hear　my　cries　when　if　I　continued　to　smother　them　they　would

strangle　me。　Could　I　but　have　this　friend；　my　life；　so　precious　to

these　children；　might　be　prolonged　until　Jacques　had　grown　to　manhood。

But　that　is　selfish！　The　Laura　of　Petrarch　cannot　be　lived　again。　I

must　die　at　my　post；　like　a　soldier；　friendless。　My　confessor　is

harsh；　austere；　andmy　aunt　is　dead。〃



Two　large　tears　filled　her　eyes；　gleamed　in　the　moonlight；　and　rolled

down　her　cheeks；　but　I　stretched　my　hand　in　time　to　catch　them；　and　I

drank　them　with　an　avidity　excited　by　her　words；　by　the　thought　of

those　ten　years　of　secret　woe；　of　wasted　feelings；　of　constant　care；

of　ceaseless　dreadyears　of　the　lofty　heroism　of　her　sex。　She　looked

at　me　with　gentle　stupefaction。



〃It　is　the　first　communion　of　love；〃　I　said。　〃Yes；　I　am　now　a　sharer

of　your　sorrows。　I　am　united　to　your　soul　as　our　souls　are　united　to

Christ　in　the　sacrament。　To　love；　even　without　hope；　is　happiness。　Ah！

what　woman　on　earth　could　give　me　a　joy　equal　to　that　of　receiving

your　tears！　I　accept　the　contract　which　must　end　in　suffering　to

myself。　I　give　myself　to　you　with　no　ul