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第19章

the lily of the valley-第19章

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region。 No matter what care I give to it; I cannot always prevent our

tenants from putting our manure upon their ground; I cannot be ever on

the watch lest they take advantage of us in the division of the crops;

neither can I always know the exact moment when sales should be made。

So; if you think of Monsieur de Mortsauf's defective memory; and the

difficulty you have seen me have in persuading him to attend to

business; you can understand the burden that is on my shoulders; and

the impossibility of my laying it down for a single day。 If I were

absent we should be ruined。 No one would obey Monsieur de Mortsauf。 In

the first place his orders are conflicting; then no one likes him; he

finds incessant fault; and he is very domineering。 Moreover; like all

men of feeble mind; he listens too readily to his inferiors。 If I left

the house not a servant would be in it in a week's time。 So you see I

am attached to Clochegourde as those leaden finals are to our roof。 I

have no reserves with you。 The whole country…side is still ignorant of

the secrets of this house; but you know them; you have seen them。 Say

nothing but what is kind and friendly; and you shall have my esteem

my gratitude;〃 she added in a softer voice。 〃On those terms you are

welcome at Clochegourde; where you will find friends。〃



〃Ah!〃 I exclaimed; 〃I see that I have never really suffered; while

you〃



〃No; no!〃 she exclaimed; with a smile; that smile of all resigned

women which might melt a granite rock。 〃Do not be astonished at my

frank confidence; it shows you life as it is; not as your imagination

pictures it。 We all have our defects and our good qualities。 If I had

married a spendthrift he would have ruined me。 If I had given myself

to an ardent and pleasure…loving young man; perhaps I could not have

retained him; he might have left me; and I should have died of

jealousy。 For I am jealous!〃 she said; in a tone of excitement; which

was like the thunderclap of a passing storm。 〃But Monsieur de Mortsauf

loves me as much as he is capable of loving; all that his heart

contains of affection he pours at my feet; like the Magdalen's cup of

ointment。 Believe me; a life of love is an exception to the laws of

this earth; all flowers fade; great joys and emotions have a morrow of

evilif a morrow at all。 Real life is a life of anguish; its image is

in that nettle growing there at the foot of the wall;no sun can

reach it and it keeps green。 Yet; here; as in parts of the North;

there are smiles in the sky; few to be sure; but they compensate for

many a grief。 Moreover; women who are naturally mothers live and love

far more through sacrifices than through pleasures。 Here I draw upon

myself the storms I fear may break upon my children or my people; and

in doing so I feel a something I cannot explain; which gives me secret

courage。 The resignation of the night carries me through the day that

follows。 God does not leave me comfortless。 Time was when the

condition of my children filled me with despair; to…day as they

advance in life they grow healthier and stronger。 And then; after all;

our home is improved and beautified; our means are improving also。 Who

knows but Monsieur de Mortsauf's old age may be a blessing to me? Ah;

believe me! those who stand before the Great Judge with palms in their

hands; leading comforted to Him the beings who cursed their lives;

they; they have turned their sorrows into joy。 If my sufferings bring

about the happiness of my family; are they sufferings at all?〃



〃Yes;〃 I said; 〃they are; but they were necessary; as mine have been;

to make us understand the true flavor of the fruit that has ripened on

our rocks。 Now; surely; we shall taste it together; surely we may

admire its wonders; the sweetness of affection it has poured into our

souls; that inward sap which revives the searing leavesGood God! do

you not understand me?〃 I cried; falling into the mystical language to

which our religious training had accustomed us。 〃See the paths by

which we have approached each other; what magnet led us through that

ocean of bitterness to these springs of running water; flowing at the

foot of those hills above the shining sands and between their green

and flowery meadows? Have we not followed the same star? We stand

before the cradle of a divine child whose joyous carol will renew the

world for us; teach us through happiness a love of life; give to our

nights their long…lost sleep; and to the days their gladness。 What

hand is this that year by year has tied new cords between us? Are we

not more than brother and sister? That which heaven has joined we must

not keep asunder。 The sufferings you reveal are the seeds scattered by

the sower for the harvest already ripening in the sunshine。 Shall we

not gather it sheaf by sheaf? What strength is in me that I dare

address you thus! Answer; or I will never again recross that river!〃



〃You have spared me the word LOVE;〃 she said; in a stern voice; 〃but

you have spoken of a sentiment of which I know nothing and which is

not permitted to me。 You are a child; and again I pardon you; but for

the last time。 Endeavor to understand; Monsieur; that my heart is; as

it were; intoxicated with motherhood。 I love Monsieur de Mortsauf

neither from social duty nor from a calculated desire to win eternal

blessings; but from an irresistible feeling which fastens all the

fibres of my heart upon him。 Was my marriage a mistake? My sympathy

for misfortune led to it。 It is the part of women to heal the woes

caused by the march of events; to comfort those who rush into the

breach and return wounded。 How shall I make you understand me? I have

felt a selfish pleasure in seeing that you amused him; is not that

pure motherhood? Did I not make you see by what I owned just now; the

THREE children to whom I am bound; to whom I shall never fail; on whom

I strive to shed a healing dew and the light of my own soul without

withdrawing or adulterating a single particle? Do not embitter the

mother's milk! though as a wife I am invulnerable; you must never

again speak thus to me。 If you do not respect this command; simple as

it is; the door of this house will be closed to you。 I believed in

pure friendship; in a voluntary brotherhood; more real; I thought;

than the brotherhood of blood。 I was mistaken。 I wanted a friend who

was not a judge; a friend who would listen to me in those moments of

weakness when reproof is killing; a sacred friend from whom I should

have nothing to fear。 Youth is noble; truthful; capable of sacrifice;

disinterested; seeing your persistency in coming to us; I believed;

yes; I will admit that I believed in some divine purpose; I thought I

should find a soul that would be mine; as the priest is the soul of

all; a heart in which to pour my troubles when they deluged mine; a

friend to hear my cries when if I continued to smother them they would

strangle me。 Could I but have this friend; my life; so precious to

these children; might be prolonged until Jacques had grown to manhood。

But that is selfish! The Laura of Petrarch cannot be lived again。 I

must die at my post; like a soldier; friendless。 My confessor is

harsh; austere; andmy aunt is dead。〃



Two large tears filled her eyes; gleamed in the moonlight; and rolled

down her cheeks; but I stretched my hand in time to catch them; and I

drank them with an avidity excited by her words; by the thought of

those ten years of secret woe; of wasted feelings; of constant care;

of ceaseless dreadyears of the lofty heroism of her sex。 She looked

at me with gentle stupefaction。



〃It is the first communion of love;〃 I said。 〃Yes; I am now a sharer

of your sorrows。 I am united to your soul as our souls are united to

Christ in the sacrament。 To love; even without hope; is happiness。 Ah!

what woman on earth could give me a joy equal to that of receiving

your tears! I accept the contract which must end in suffering to

myself。 I give myself to you with no ul

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