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第18章

the lily of the valley-第18章

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mother's heart; she opened hers; the tyrant only armed herself with

the girl's confidence。 No spy was ever more traitorous and base。 All

the pleasures of girlhood; even her fete days; were dearly purchased;

for she was scolded for her gaiety as much as for her faults。 No

teaching and no training for her position had been given in love;

always with sarcastic irony。 She was not angry against her mother; in

fact she blamed herself for feeling more terror than love for her。

〃Perhaps;〃 she said; dear angel; 〃these severities were needful; they

had certainly prepared her for her present life。〃 As I listened it

seemed to me that the harp of Job; from which I had drawn such savage

sounds; now touched by the Christian fingers gave forth the litanies

of the Virgin at the foot of the cross。



〃We lived in the same sphere before we met in this;〃 I said; 〃you

coming from the east; I from the west。〃



She shook her head with a gesture of despair。



〃To you the east; to me the west;〃 she replied。 〃You will live happy;

I must die of pain。 Life is what we make of it; and mine is made

forever。 No power can break the heavy chain to which a woman is

fastened by this ring of goldthe emblem of a wife's purity。〃



We knew we were twins of one womb; she never dreamed of a half…

confidence between brothers of the same blood。 After a short sigh;

natural to pure hearts when they first open to each other; she told me

of her first married life; her deceptions and disillusions; the

rebirth of her childhood's misery。 Like me; she had suffered under

trifles; mighty to souls whose limpid substance quivers to the least

shock; as a lake quivers on the surface and to its utmost depths when

a stone is flung into it。 When she married she possessed some girlish

savings; a little gold; the fruit of happy hours and repressed

fancies。 These; in a moment when they were needed; she gave to her

husband; not telling him they were gifts and savings of her own。 He

took no account of them; and never regarded himself her debtor。 She

did not even obtain the glance of thanks that would have paid for all。

Ah! how she went from trial to trial! Monsieur de Mortsauf habitually

neglected to give her money for the household。 When; after a struggle

with her timidity; she asked him for it; he seemed surprised and never

once spared her the mortification of petitioning for necessities。 What

terror filled her mind when the real nature of the ruined man's

disease was revealed to her; and she quailed under the first outbreak

of his mad anger! What bitter reflections she had made before she

brought herself to admit that her husband was a wreck! What horrible

calamities had come of her bearing children! What anguish she felt at

the sight of those infants born almost dead! With what courage had she

said in her heart: 〃I will breathe the breath of life into them; I

will bear them anew day by day!〃 Then conceive the bitterness of

finding her greatest obstacle in the heart and hand from which a wife

should draw her greatest succor! She saw the untold disaster that

threatened him。 As each difficulty was conquered; new deserts opened

before her; until the day when she thoroughly understood her husband's

condition; the constitution of her children; and the character of the

neighborhood in which she lived; a day when (like the child taken by

Napoleon from a tender home) she taught her feet to trample through

mud and snow; she trained her nerves to bullets and all her being to

the passive obedience of a soldier。



These things; of which I here make a summary; she told me in all their

dark extent; with every piteous detail of conjugal battles lost and

fruitless struggles。



〃You would have to live here many months;〃 she said; in conclusion;

〃to understand what difficulties I have met with in improving

Clochegourde; what persuasions I have had to use to make him do a

thing which was most important to his interests。 You cannot imagine

the childish glee he has shown when anything that I advised was not at

once successful。 All that turned out well he claimed for himself。 Yes;

I need an infinite patience to bear his complaints when I am half…

exhausted in the effort to amuse his weary hours; to sweeten his life

and smooth the paths which he himself has strewn with stones。 The

reward he gives me is that awful cry: 'Let me die; life is a burden to

me!' When visitors are here and he enjoys them; he forgets his gloom

and is courteous and polite。 You ask me why he cannot be so to his

family。 I cannot explain that want of loyalty in a man who is truly

chivalrous。 He is quite capable of riding at full speed to Paris to

buy me a set of ornaments; as he did the other day before the ball。

Miserly in his household; he would be lavish upon me if I wished it。 I

would it were reversed; I need nothing for myself; but the wants of

the household are many。 In my strong desire to make him happy; and not

reflecting that I might be a mother; I began my married life by

letting him treat me as a victim; I; who at that time by using a few

caresses could have led him like a childbut I was unable to play a

part I should have thought disgraceful。 Now; however; the welfare of

my family requires me to be as calm and stern as the figure of Justice

and yet; I too have a heart that overflows with tenderness。〃



〃But why;〃 I said; 〃do you not use this great influence to master him

and govern him?〃



〃If it concerned myself only I should not attempt either to overcome

the dogged silence with which for days together he meets my arguments;

nor to answer his irrational remarks; his childish reasons。 I have no

courage against weakness; any more than I have against childhood; they

may strike me as they will; I cannot resist。 Perhaps I might meet

strength with strength; but I am powerless against those I pity。 If I

were required to coerce Madeleine in some matter that would save her

life; I should die with her。 Pity relaxes all my fibres and unstrings

my nerves。 So it is that the violent shocks of the last ten years have

broken me down; my feelings; so often battered; are numb at times;

nothing can revive them; even the courage with which I once faced my

troubles begins to fail me。 Yes; sometimes I am beaten。 For want of

restI mean reposeand sea…baths by which to recover my nervous

strength; I shall perish。 Monsieur de Mortsauf will have killed me;

and he will die of my death。〃



〃Why not leave Clochegourde for a few months? Surely you could take

your children and go to the seashore。〃



〃In the first place; Monsieur de Mortsauf would think he were lost if

I left him。 Though he will not admit his condition he is well aware of

it。 He is both sane and mad; two natures in one man; a contradiction

which explains many an irrational action。 Besides this; he would have

good reason for objecting。 Nothing would go right here if I were

absent。 You may have seen in me the mother of a family watchful to

protect her young from the hawk that is hovering over them; a weighty

task; indeed; but harder still are the cares imposed upon me by

Monsieur de Mortsauf; whose constant cry; as he follows me about is;

'Where is Madame?' I am Jacques' tutor and Madeleine's governess; but

that is not all; I am bailiff and steward too。 You will understand

what that means when you come to see; as you will; that the working of

an estate in these parts is the most fatiguing of all employments。 We

get small returns in money; the farms are cultivated on shares; a

system which needs the closest supervision。 We are obliged ourselves

to sell our own produce; our cattle and harvests of all kinds。 Our

competitors in the markets are our own farmers; who meet consumers in

the wine…shops and determine prices by selling first。 I should weary

you if I explained the many difficulties of agriculture in this

region。 No matter what care I give to it; I cannot always prevent our

tenants from putting our manure upon their ground; I ca

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