the conflict-第48章
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see that you could not change； and become what you'd have to be if you lived with me？''
‘‘You can make of me what you please；'' repeated she with loving obstinacy。
‘‘That is not sincere！'' cried he。 ‘‘You may think it is； but it isn't。 Look at me； Jane。''
‘‘I haven't been doing anything else since we met；'' laughed she。
‘‘That's better；'' said he。 ‘‘Let's not be solemn。 Solemnity is pose； and when people are posing they get nowhere。 You say I can make of you what I please。 Do you mean that you are willing to become a woman of my classto be that all your lifeto bring up your children in that wayto give up your fashionable friendsand maidand carriagesand Paris clothesto be a woman who would not make my associates and their families uncomfortable and shy？''
She was silent。 She tried to speak； but lifting her eyes before she began her glance encountered his and her words died upon her lips。
‘‘You know you did not mean that；'' pursued he。 ‘‘Now； I'll tell you what you did mean。 You meant that after you and I were marriedor engagedperhaps you did not intend to go quite so far as marriage just yet。''
The color crept into her averted face。
‘‘Look at me！'' he commanded laughingly。
With an effort she forced her eyes to meet his。
‘‘Nowsmile； Jane！''
His smile was contagious。 The curve of her lips changed； her eyes gleamed。
‘‘Am I not reading your thoughts？'' said he。
‘‘You are very clever； Victor；'' admitted she。
‘‘Good。 We are getting on。 You believed that； once we were engaged； I would gradually begin to yield； to come round to your way of thinking。 You had planned for me a career something like Davy Hull'sonly freer and bolder。 I would become a member of your class； but would pose as a representative of the class I had personally abandoned。 Am I right？''
‘‘Go on； Victor；'' she said。
‘‘That's about all。 Now； there are just two objections to your plan。 The first is； it wouldn't work。 My associates would be ‘on to' me in a very short time。 They are shrewd； practical； practically educated men not at all the sort that follow Davy Hull or are wearing Kelly's and House's nose rings。 In a few months I'd find myself a leader without a following and what is more futile and ridiculous than that？''
‘‘They worship you；'' said Jane。 ‘‘They trust you implicitly。 They know that whatever you did would be for their good。''
He laughed heartily。 ‘‘How little you know my friends；'' said he。 ‘‘I am their leader only because I am working with them； doing what we all see must be done； doing it in the way in which we all see it must be done。''
‘‘But THAT is not power！'' cried Jane。
‘‘No；'' replied Victor。 ‘‘But it is the career I wish the only one I'd have。 Power means that one's followers are weak or misled or ignorant。 To be first among equalsthat's worth while。 The other thing is the poor tawdriness that kings and bosses crave and that shallow； snobbish people admire。''
‘‘I see that；'' said Jane。 ‘‘At least； I begin to see it。 How wonderful you are！''
Victor laughed。 ‘‘Is it that I know so much； or is it that you know so little？''
‘‘You don't like for me to tell you that I admire you？'' said Jane； subtle and ostentatiously timid。
‘‘I don't care much about it one way or the other；'' replied Victor； who had； when he chose； a rare ability to be blunt without being rude。 ‘‘Years ago； for my own safety； I began to train myself to care little for any praise or blame but my own； and to make myself a very searching critic of myself。 So； I am really flattered only when I win my own praiseand I don't often have that pleasure。''
‘‘Really； I don't see why you bother with me；'' said she with sly innocencewhich was as far as she dared let her resentments go。
‘‘For two reasons；'' replied he promptly。 ‘‘It flatters me that you are interested in me。 The second reason is that； when I lost control of myself yesterday； I involved myself in certain responsibilities to you。 It has seemed to me that I owe it to myself and to you to make you see that there is neither present nor future in any relations between us。''
She put out her hand； and before he knew what he was doing he had clasped it。 With a gentle； triumphant smile she said： ‘‘THERE'S the answer to all your reasoning； Victor。''
He released her hand。 ‘‘AN answer；'' he said； ‘‘but not the correct answer。'' He eyed her thoughtfully。 ‘‘You have done me a great service；'' he went on。 ‘‘You have shown me an unsuspected； a dangerous weakness in myself。 At another timeand coming in another way； I might have made a mess of my careerand of the things that have been entrusted to me。'' A long pause； then he added； to himself rather than to her； ‘‘I must look out for that。 I must do something about it。''
Jane turned toward him and settled herself in a resolute attitude and with a resolute expression。 ‘‘Victor；'' she said； ‘‘I've listened to you very patiently。 Now I want you to listen to me。 What is the truth about us？ Why； that we are as if we had been made for each other。 I don't know as much as you do。 I've led a much narrower life。 I've been absurdly mis… educated。 But as soon as I saw you I felt that I had found the man I was looking for。 And I believeI feelI KNOW you were drawn to me in the same way。 Isn't that so？''
‘‘Youfascinated me；'' confessed he。 ‘‘Youor your clothesor your perfume。''
‘‘Explain it as you like；'' said she。 ‘‘The fact remains that we were drawn together。 WellVictor； _I_ am not afraid to face the future； as fate maps it out for us。 Are you？''
He did not answer。
‘‘YouAFRAID；'' she went on。 ‘‘Noyou couldn't be afraid。''
A long silence。 Then he said abruptly： ‘‘IF we loved each other。 But I know that we don't。 I know that you would hate me when you realized that you couldn't move me。 And I know that I should soon get over the infatuation for you。 As soon as it became a question of sympathiescommon tastescongenialityI'd find you hopelessly lacking。''
She felt that he was contrasting her with some one elsewith a certain some one。 And she veiled her eyes to hide their blazing jealousy。 A movement on his part made her raise them in sudden alarm。 He had risen。 His expression told her that the battle was lostfor the day。 Never had she loved him as at that moment； and never had longing to possess him so dominated her willful； self…indulgent； spoiled nature。 Yet she hated him； too； she longed to crush him； to make him sufferto repay him with interest for the suffering he was inflicting upon herthe humiliation。 But she dared not show her feelings。 It would be idle to try upon this man any of the coquetries indicated for such casesto dismiss him coldly； or to make an appeal through an exhibition of weakness or reckless passion。
‘‘You will see the truth； for yourself； as you think things over；'' said he。
She rose； stood before him with downcast eyes； with mouth sad and sweet。 ‘‘No；'' she said； ‘‘It's you who are hiding the truth from yourself。 I hopefor both our sakesthat you'll see it before long。 Good…by dear。'' She stretched out her hand。
Hesitatingly he took it。 As their hands met； her pulse beating against his； she lifted her eyes。 And once more he was holding her close； was kissing her。 And she was lying in his arms unresisting； with two large tears shining in the long lashes of her closed eyes。
‘‘Oh； Janeforgive me！'' he cried； releasing her。 ‘‘I must keep away from you。 I willI WILL！'' And he was rushing down the steep slopedirect； swift； relentless。 But she； looking after him with a tender； dreamy smile； murmured： ‘‘He loves me。 He will come again。 If notI'll go and get him！''
To Jane Victor Dorn's analysis of his feeling toward her and of the reasons against yielding to it seemed of no importance whatever。 Side by side with Selma's
‘‘One may not trifle with love'' she would have put ‘‘In matters of love one does not reason；'' as equally axiomatic。 Victor was simply talking； love would conquer him as it had conquered every man and every woman it had ever entered。 Loveblind； unreasoning； irresistible would have its will and its way。
And about most men she would have been right about any man practically； of
