adam bede(亚当[1].比德)-第183章
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had now a self…forgetful questioning in them—for a moment he
forgot that he wanted to say anything； or that it was necessary to
tell her what he meant。
“Dinah；” he said suddenly； taking both her hands between his；
“I love you with my whole heart and soul。 I love you next to God
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who made me。”
Dinah’s lips became pale； like her cheeks； and she trembled
violently under the shock of painful joy。 Her hands were cold as
death between Adam’s。 She could not draw them away； because
he held them fast。
“Don’t tell me you can’t love me； Dinah。 Don’t tell me we must
part and pass our lives away from one another。”
The tears were trembling in Dinah’s eyes； and they fell before
she could answer。 But she spoke in a quiet low voice。
“Yes； dear Adam； we must submit to another Will。 We must
part。”
“Not if you love me； Dinah—not if you love me；” Adam said
passionately。 “Tell me—tell me if you can love me better than a
brother？”
Dinah was too entirely reliant on the Supreme guidance to
attempt to achieve any end by a deceptive concealment。 She was
recovering now from the first shock of emotion； and she looked at
Adam with simple sincere eyes as she said； “Yes； Adam； my heart
is drawn strongly towards you； and of my own will； if I had no
clear showing to the contrary； I could find my happiness in being
near you and ministering to you continually。 I fear I should forget
to rejoice and weep with others； nay； I fear I should forget the
Divine presence； and seek no love but yours。”
Adam did not speak immediately。 They sat looking at each
other in delicious silence—for the first sense of mutual love
excludes other feelings； it will have the soul all to itself。
“Then； Dinah；” Adam said at last； “how can there be anything
contrary to what’s right in our belonging to one another and
spending our lives together？ Who put this great love into our
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hearts？ Can anything be holier than that？ For we can help one
another in everything as is good。 I’d never think o’ putting myself
between you and God； and saying you oughtn’t to do this and you
oughtn’t to do that。 You’d follow your conscience as much as you
do now。”
“Yes； Adam；” Dinah said； “I know marriage is a holy state for
those who are truly called to it； and have no other drawing； but
from my childhood upwards I have been led towards another path；
all my peace and my joy have come from having no life of my own；
no wants； no wishes for myself； and living only in God and those of
his creatures whose sorrows and joys he has given me to know。
Those have been very blessed years to me； and I feel that if I was
to listen to any voice that would draw me aside from that path； I
should be turning my back on the light that has shone upon me；
and darkness and doubt would take hold of me。 We could not bless
each other； Adam； if there were doubts in my soul； and if I
yearned； when it was too late； after that better part which had
once been given me and I had put away from me。”
“But if a new feeling has come into your mind； Dinah； and if
you love me so as to be willing to be nearer to me than to other
people； isn’t that a sign that it’s right for you to change your life？
Doesn’t the love make it right when nothing else would？”
“Adam； my mind is full of questionings about that； for now；
since you tell me of your strong love towards me； what was clear to
me has become dark again。 I felt before that my heart was too
strongly drawn towards you； and that your heart was not as mine；
and the thought of you had taken hold of me； so that my soul had
lost its freedom； and was becoming enslaved to an earthly
affection； which made me anxious and careful about what should
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befall myself。 For in all other affection I had been content with any
small return； or with none； but my heart was beginning to hunger
after an equal love from you。 And I had no doubt that I must
wrestle against that as a great temptation； and the command was
clear that I must go away。”
“But now； dear； dear Dinah； now you know I love you better
than you love me 。 。 。 it’s all different now。 You won’t think o’
going。 You’ll stay； and be my dear wife； and I shall thank God for
giving me my life as I never thanked him before。”
“Adam； it’s hard to me to turn a deaf ear 。 。 。 you know it’s hard；
but a great fear is upon me。 It seems to me as if you were
stretching out your arms to me； and beckoning me to come and
take my ease and live for my own delight； and Jesus； the Man of
Sorrows； was standing looking towards me； and pointing to the
sinful； and suffering； and afflicted。 I have seen that again and
again when I have been sitting in stillness and darkness； and a
great terror has come upon me lest I should become hard； and a
lover of self； and no more bear willingly the Redeemer’s cross。”
Dinah had closed her eyes； and a faint shudder went through
her。 “Adam；” she went on； “you wouldn’t desire that we should
seek a good through any unfaithfulness to the light that is in us；
you wouldn’t believe that could be a good。 We are of one mind in
that。”
“Yes； Dinah；” said Adam sadly； “I’ll never be the man t’ urge
you against your conscience。 But I can’t give up the hope that you
may come to see different。 I don’t believe your loving me could
shut up your heart—it’s only adding to what you’ve been before；
not taking away from it。 For it seems to me it’s the same with love
and happiness as with sorrow—the more we know of it the better
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we can feel what other people’s lives are or might be； and so we
shall only be more tender to ’em； and wishful to help ’em。 The
more knowledge a man has； the better he’ll do’s work； and
feeling’s a sort o’ knowledge。”
Dinah was silent； her eyes were fixed in contemplation of
something visible only to herself。 Adam went on presently with his
pleading； “And you can do almost as much as you do now。 I won’t
ask you to go to church with me of a Sunday。 You shall go where
you like among the people； and teach ’em； for though I like church
best； I don’t put my soul above yours； as if my
