adam bede(亚当[1].比德)-第116章
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sealed enclosure directed to Hetty。 On the inside of the cover
Adam read：
“In the enclosed letter I have written everything you wish。 I
leave it to you to decide whether you will be doing best to deliver it
to Hetty or to return it to me。 Ask yourself once more whether you
are not taking a measure which may pain her more than mere
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silence。
“There is no need for our seeing each other again now。 We shall
meet with better feelings some months hence。
A。D。”
“Perhaps he’s i’ th’ right on ’t not to see me；” thought Adam。
“It’s no use meeting to say more hard words； and it’s no use
meeting to shake hands and say we’re friends again。 We’re not
friends； an’ it’s better not to pretend it。 I know forgiveness is a
man’s duty； but； to my thinking； that can only mean as you’re to
give up all thoughts o’ taking revenge： it can never mean as you’re
t’ have your old feelings back again； for that’s not possible。 He’s
not the same man to me； and I can’t feel the same towards him。
God help me！ I don’t know whether I feel the same towards
anybody： I seem as if I’d been measuring my work from a false
line； and had got it all to measure over again。”
But the question about delivering the letter to Hetty soon
absorbed Adam’s thoughts。 Arthur had procured some relief to
himself by throwing the decision on Adam with a warning； and
Adam； who was not given to hesitation； hesitated here。 He
determined to feel his way—to ascertain as well as he could what
was Hetty’s state of mind before he decided on delivering the
letter。
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Adam Bede 418
Chapter XXX
The Delivery of the Letter
he next Sunday Adam joined the Poysers on their way out
of church； hoping for an invitation to go home with them。
T
He had the letter in his pocket； and was anxious to have an
opportunity of talking to Hetty alone。 He could not see her face at
church； for she had changed her seat； and when he came up to her
to shake hands； her manner was doubtful and constrained。 He
expected this； for it was the first time she had met him since she
had been aware that he had seen her with Arthur in the Grove。
“Come； you’ll go on with us； Adam；” Mr。 Poyser said when they
reached the turning； and as soon as they were in the fields Adam
ventured to offer his arm to Hetty。 The children soon gave them
an opportunity of lingering behind a little； and then Adam said：
“Will you contrive for me to walk out in the garden a bit with
you this evening； if it keeps fine； Hetty？ I’ve something partic’lar
to talk to you about。”
Hetty said； “Very well。” She was really as anxious as Adam was
that she should have some private talk with him。 She wondered
what he thought of her and Arthur。 He must have seen them
kissing； she knew； but she had no conception of the scene that had
taken place between Arthur and Adam。 Her first feeling had been
that Adam would be very angry with her； and perhaps would tell
her aunt and uncle； but it never entered her mind that he would
dare to say anything to Captain Donnithorne。 It was a relief to her
that he behaved so kindly to her to…day； and wanted to speak to
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her alone； for she had trembled when she found he was going
home with them lest he should mean “to tell。” But； now he wanted
to talk to her by herself； she should learn what he thought and
what he meant to do。 She felt a certain confidence that she could
persuade him not to do anything she did not want him to do； she
could perhaps even make him believe that she didn’t care for
Arthur； and as long as Adam thought there was any hope of her
having him； he would do just what she liked； she knew。 Besides；
she must go on seeming to encourage Adam； lest her uncle and
aunt should be angry and suspect her of having some secret lover。
Hetty’s little brain was busy with this combination as she hung
on Adam’s arm and said “yes” or “no” to some slight observations
of his about the many hawthorn…berries there would be for the
birds this next winter； and the low…hanging clouds that would
hardly hold up till morning。 And when they rejoined her aunt and
uncle； she could pursue her thoughts without interruption； for Mr。
Poyser held that though a young man might like to have the
woman he was courting on his arm； he would nevertheless be glad
of a little reasonable talk about business the while； and； for his
own part； he was curious to heal the most recent news about the
Chase Farm。 So； through the rest of the walk； he claimed Adam’s
conversation for himself； and Hetty laid her small plots and
imagined her little scenes of cunning blandishment； as she walked
along by the hedgerows on honest Adam’s arm； quite as well as if
she had been an elegantly clad coquette alone in her boudoir。 For
if a country beauty in clumsy shoes be only shallow…hearted
enough； it is astonishing how closely her mental processes may
resemble those of a lady in society and crinoline； who applies her
refined intellect to the problem of committing indiscretions
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without compromising herself。 Perhaps the resemblance was not
much the less because Hetty felt very unhappy all the while。 The
parting with Arthur was a double pain to her—mingling with the
tumult of passion and vanity there was a dim undefined fear that
the future might shape itself in some way quite unlike her dream。
She clung to the comforting hopeful words Arthur had uttered in
their last meeting—“I shall come again at Christmas； and then we
will see what can be done。” She clung to the belief that he was so
fond of her； he would never be happy without her； and she still
hugged her secret—that a great gentleman loved her—with
gratified pride； as a superiority over all the girls she knew。 But the
uncertainty of the future； the possibilities to which she could give
no shape； began to press upon her like the invisible weight of air；
she was alone on her little island of dreams； and all around her
was the dark unknown water where Arthur was gone。 She could
gather no elation of spirits now by looking forward； but only by
