adam bede(亚当[1].比德)-第114章
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shrank from believing in—the irrevocableness of his own
wrongdoing。 The words of scorn； the refusal to shake hands； the
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mastery asserted over him in their last conversation in the
Hermitage—above all； the sense of having been knocked down； to
which a man does not very well reconcile himself； even under the
most heroic circumstances—pressed on him with a galling pain
which was stronger than compunction。 Arthur would so gladly
have persuaded himself that he had done no harm！ And if no one
had told him the contrary； he could have persuaded himself so
much better。 Nemesis can seldom forge a sword for herself out of
our consciences—out of the suffering we feel in the suffering we
may have caused： there is rarely metal enough there to make an
effective weapon。 Our moral sense learns the manners of good
society and smiles when others smile； but when some rude person
gives rough names to our actions； she is apt to take part against us。
And so it was with Arthur： Adam’s judgment of him； Adam’s
grating words； disturbed his self…soothing arguments。
Not that Arthur had been at ease before Adam’s discovery。
Struggles and resolves had transformed themselves into
compunction and anxiety。 He was distressed for Hetty’s sake； and
distressed for his own； that he must leave her behind。 He had
always； both in making and breaking resolutions； looked beyond
his passion and seen that it must speedily end in separation； but
his nature was too ardent and tender for him not to suffer at this
parting； and on Hetty’s account he was filled with uneasiness。 He
had found out the dream in which she was living—that she was to
be a lady in silks and satins—and when he had first talked to her
about his going away； she had asked him tremblingly to let her go
with him and be married。 It was his painful knowledge of this
which had given the most exasperating sting to Adam’s
reproaches。 He had said no word with the purpose of deceiving
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her—her vision was all spun by her own childish fancy—but he
was obliged to confess to himself that it was spun half out of his
own actions。 And to increase the mischief； on this last evening he
had not dared to hint the truth to Hetty； he had been obliged to
soothe her with tender； hopeful words； lest he should throw her
into violent distress。 He felt the situation acutely； felt the sorrow of
the dear thing in the present； and thought with a darker anxiety of
the tenacity which her feelings might have in the future。 That was
the one sharp point which pressed against him； every other he
could evade by hopeful self…persuasion。 The whole thing had been
secret； the Poysers had not the shadow of a suspicion。 No one；
except Adam； knew anything of what had passed—no one else was
likely to know； for Arthur had impressed on Hetty that it would be
fatal to betray； by word or look； that there had been the least
intimacy between them； and Adam； who knew half their secret；
would rather help them to keep it than betray it。 It was an
unfortunate business altogether； but there was no use in making it
worse than it was by imaginary exaggerations and forebodings of
evil that might never come。 The temporary sadness for Hetty was
the worst consequence； he resolutely turned away his eyes from
any bad consequence that was not demonstrably inevitable。 But—
but Hetty might have had the trouble in some other way if not in
this。 And perhaps hereafter he might be able to do a great deal for
her and make up to her for all the tears she would shed about him。
She would owe the advantage of his care for her in future years to
the sorrow she had incurred now。 So good comes out of evil。 Such
is the beautiful arrangement of things！
Are you inclined to ask whether this can be the same Arthur
who； two months ago； had that freshness of feeling； that delicate
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honour which shrinks from wounding even a sentiment； and does
not contemplate any more positive offence as possible for it？—who
thought that his own self…respect was a higher tribunal than any
external opinion？ The same； I assure you； only under different
conditions。 Our deeds determine us； as much as we determine our
deeds； and until we know what has been or will be the peculiar
combination of outward with inward facts； which constitutes a
man’s critical actions； it will be better not to think ourselves wise
about his character。 There is a terrible coercion in our deeds；
which may first turn the honest man into a deceiver and then
reconcile him to the change； for this reason—that the second
wrong presents itself to him in the guise of the only practicable
right。 The action which before commission has been seen with
that blended common sense and fresh untarnished feeling which
is the healthy eye of the soul； is looked at afterwards with the lens
of apologetic ingenuity； through which all things that men call
beautiful and ugly are seen to be made up of textures very much
alike。 Europe adjusts itself to a fait accompli ； and so does an
individual character—until the placid adjustment is disturbed by a
convulsive retribution。
No man can escape this vitiating effect of an offence against his
own sentiment of right； and the effect was the stronger in Arthur
because of that very need of self…respect which； while his
conscience was still at ease； was one of his best safeguards。 Self…
accusation was too painful to him—he could not face it。 He must
persuade himself that he had not been very much to blame； he
began even to pity himself for the necessity he was under of
deceiving Adam—it was a course so opposed to the honesty of his
own nature。 But then； it was the only right thing to do。
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Well； whatever had been amiss in him； he was miserable
enough in consequence： miserable about Hetty； miserable about
this letter that he had promised to write； and that seemed at one
moment to be a gross barbarity； at another perhaps the greatest
kindness he could do to her。 And across all this reflection would
dart every now and then a sudden impulse of passionate defiance
towards all consequences。 He would carry Hetty away；
